What ARE birds?

schazer:
in order for me establish whether something is a bird
it must first have a particular attribute that not all species have
there's no point counting how many toes an animal has if it doesn't have legs
similarly, there's no way I can determine an organism's bird-ness if it doesn't have ____________

btp:
Oh my god!
Birds are creatures that don't have a maned sloth!
BRILLIANT

schazer:
what have you found out about the maned sloth?
a final hint, for now, cuz i should sleep
you may, based on the way I tend to structure my answers, be tempted to order birds and not-birds taxonomically when trying to figure out the commonalities
this however is unhelpful

Woah Mirdini that is a super helpful post!
Orcas are dolphins which means they are not birds.

Are birds creatures that have something particular on their wikipedia page?

orcas/killer whales are not birds.

No species in the subfamily Pantherinae are birds.
While the pantanal cat, Andean mountain cat, cougar, jaguarundi, fishing cat, leopard cat, and extinct Giant Cheetah are birds, the same cannot be said for other species of the subfamily Felinae.

Subspecies of the aforementioned may or may not be birds, I'd have to look them up.

Revision on dolphins, because I'm tired and fuck up easily: Not all oceanic dolphins are birds.

Northern and Southern right whale dolphins are birds. Atlantic humpback dolphins are birds. Atlantic spotted dolphins are birds. Pantropical spotted dolphins are birds. Atlantic white-sided dolphins are birds. Hourglass dolphins are still birds.

Not all creatures that have something particular on their wikipedia page are birds.

Are birds species that exhibit sexual dimorphism?

birds are not species that exhibit sexual dimorphism!

Updoot:

MASTERPOST

I've removed things from the 'not all' category when there's examples of the larger group in both the Yes and No answers. (Reasonably) larger groups in straight Yes or No are bolded.

Yes: Atlantic Humpback, Atlantic White-Sided & Spotted Dolphins, Andean mountain cat, Antarctic Knobbled Octopuses, Arctic Foxes, Bandicoots, Bearded Dragons, Boxer Octopuses, Boxfish, Bullet Ants, Caimans, Common Whelks, Cougar, Elephants, Fennec Foxes, Fishing cat, Giant Antarctic Octopuses, Giant Anteaters, Giant Cheetah, Giant Pandas, Glass Octopuses, Golden Orb Weaver Spiders, Hourglass Dolphins, Howler Monkeys, Jaguarundi, Keelbilled Toucans, Leopard cat, Naked Mole Rats, Northern & Southern Right Whale Dolphin, Pantanal cat, Pantropical Spotted Dolphin, Pink Fairy Armadillos, Pyramid Butterflyfish, Rattlesnakes, Red Foxes, Screaming Hairy Armadillos, Silky Anteaters, Tree Wasps, True crocodiles, Venus Fly Traps

Kind Of: Four toed Hedgehogs

Probably Not: Indominus rex

Not All: Angiosperms, Bears, Carnivorous Plants, Dinosaurs, Gymnosperms, Mosquitos, Mosses, Pitcher Plants, Pufferfish, RiverDolphins, Robins, Sessile Animals, Spiders, Sundew Plants

No: 9-Banded Armadillos, Alligators, American Robins, Anacondas, Anomalocaridids, Blue-ringed Octopuses, Cats, Chickens, Common Octopuses, Dimetrodons, Dogs, European Robins, Ewoks, False Gharials, Felidae (except those in yes), Four toed Earless Skinks, Four toed Elephant Shrews, Gharials, Gungans, Hippopotami, Honeybees, Humans, Japanese Robins, Jerboas, Komodo Dragons, Maned Sloths, Manta Rays, Metroids, Orbfish, Orcas, Pantherinae, Platypuses, Ptarmigans, Red Pandas, Rhinoceri, Sarlaccs, Stegosauruses, Tamandua, Toco Toucans, Tribbles, Two-toed Sloths, White-Sided Dolphins, Yoshis

• Birdness is determined taxonomically, so "birds are species which _______" is a good way to think about it, yes.
  
• A hint: birdness is not predicated on scientific names. All species have a scientific name.
  
• Not all unicellular organisms are birds, nor are all prokaryotes. Probably. There's a chance that either of the above are not birds, and establishing as such is really goddamn time-consuming.
  
• I cannot without extensive research confirm whether or not all ferns are not birds.
  
• No species of anomalocaridid have the requisite feature to qualify as birds.
  
• As-yet undiscovered species lack the required feature to qualify as birds.
  
• Four toed hedgehogs are kind of birds? I'd feel bad calling it one way or another.
  

• Birds are not animals with sharp teeth or pincers.
  
• Birds are not the lesser extant species of their given subfamily.
  
• Birds are not organisms which have had their taxonomic classifications changed.
  
• Birds are not creatures that remind us of our limited time on earth.
  
• Birds are not species which hide for some time then reappear later.
  
• Birds are not species that exhibit sexual dimorphism.
  

Does being a bird depend on when the species was discovered by humans?

[19:14] schazer birdness is not predicated on date of discovery, akumu

Does being a bird depend on your (Schazer's) personal feelings/perception about the species or a feature they possess?

Are giant squids birds?
Are red pandas birds?

giant squids are birds.
red pandas are still not birds.

[19:25] schazer Dini: looking at the animals I have listed as birds, i would admit there is an aspect of subjectivity to it

Are birds species with pleasing textures or colors?

birds are not species with pleasing textures or colors.

On subjectivity a la hedgehogs: Of the birds previously listed as "are birds", the following I would consider strong candidates for people going "wait this one's kinda bullshit": Arctic Foxes, Boxer Octopuses, Boxfish, Bullet Ants, Fennec Foxes, Glass Octopuses, Hourglass Dolphins, Red Foxes, Tree Wasps

To make up for nine borderlines, have nine definite Birds: Bearded seals, spider octopuses, wolffishes, red carpenter ants, crab-eating foxes, bumblebee two-spot octopuses, Gervais' beaked whale, gray wolves, and potter wasps are definitely birds, cross my heart.

Are birds named after other things?

MMM.

Are Honey Badgers birds?

Wait are hedgehogs a yes because otherwise guilty because they aren't (other animal) animal, but they do have "hog" in the name, which is a different animal?

Honey badgers are not birds, but I feel it would not be completely correct to claim that Mellivora capensis are just as unbirdful as the thing you asked.

The Burmese ferret-badger, however, is definitely a bird.

Are birds organisms which have other animal's names in their common name?

Birds are animals whose common names incorporate the name of another animal!

Good job well done team and I am very sorry

I AM SEETHING WITH JOY

I was so close. But, why were Bearded Seals birds?

Bear!

Bears

(bear)ded seals.