The thread for flipping shits (and tables)

so my new laptop didn't come with separate headphone and mic jacks, which is a major issue for me, because i need that mic port to a) digitize records and b) turn the songs i make on my computer with those records into files that other people can listen to by routing the headphone port into the mic port. so i buy a jack splitter for like $7 that gives me both in my one headphone jack and keep going on my merry way.

today i decide i'm gonna finally just finish the album i've been procrastinating about and putting the finishing touches on for, like, 7 months: make the last few handful of necessary mastering tweaks, and ship it out finally before i move away from home + computer in 4 days. i do about 3 songs and they're sounding a little weird to my ears, like the reverb plug-in changed when i updated the DAW or something, but it's not exactly bad and i can live with it if it means being done. i do a listen-through of one of the files i've ripped and discover, to my horror, that i am only getting one channel.

that is to say, you're supposed to have a left and right channel, but instead, i am getting only one of the left or right channel, duplicated. my music is now presented in glorious monophonic sound, against my will. now there's nothing wrong with mono, i even did a special mono mixdown of one stereo-heavy song just because i've met too many people with one ear or one headphone or one speaker, but if i'm working in mono i certainly want to KNOW i'm working in mono and intend to! (this also means that the records i ripped on my digitizing spree this week are also complete trash files and i'll have to find a way to redo them later, and to compound this issue that means in this instance suffering through some really terrible albums again!)

so if i want to finish my album i'm gonna have to shell out the $75 for actually registering the freeware DAW i'm using so i can use its render function, which comes on top of the $25 i already payed for an hour of session bass guitar and... probably over $100 in records i used for sample grist, all for an album i'm going to give away for free and nobody's actually going to listen to anyway, while unemployed. art sucks

TRRS to TRS-TRS splitters are your friend. It splits a combined headphone/mic jack into two TRS connectors, one for headphones and one for mic.

TRRS to TRS-TRS splitters are your friend. It splits a combined headphone/mic jack into two TRS connectors, one for headphones and one for mic.

these splitters are exactly what got me into this mess in the first place (and i actually bought another one at radioshack (which i had thought went out of business) since that post, one which ALSO didn't work and crushed the signal to mono but in a different way.) i think i figured out a workaround that won't cost me any money i'll try tomorrow though. thanks anyway

I'm here at 12 AM, and there's an exam today. What am I doing with my life

I meant to post this in the 2am thread but I was 2slowam thread

I wish I could care about people and things the way I think I used to. I think I got so good at tamping down/pre-empting any expression of shit that annoys me/upsets me/makes me uncomfortable, I'm running all my positive thoughts about things through those same filters.

Then again idk maybe I've always been like this? My words always flowed out faster/sharper/fearlessly when I was angry, until I figured I only do that to hurt people.

Guess which of those things are depression symptoms?

(hint: its all of them)

(sending you hugs across the equator)

the not caring isn't really apathy, because I still know how to talk to people...... It just doesn't feel effortless like I think it used to. I do things like be a good listener because that's the thing a Decent Person does. It's a rational decision based in, idk "maintaining maximum harmony" rather than something I do without rationalizing it, something I do because fuck it, I want to.

If happiness/effusively positive moods are unconsciously achieved states like I suspect from personal experience (where it's when my brain is pleasantly distracted from all the usual cannibalistic missiles ricocheting around in there), then I think this whole rational approach broke my ability to achieve that state.

I'm probably not making sense rn, eh

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It's mid-january and I have yet to see a doctor. mostly because i don't want to ask dad about it.

last night i was telling him about some plans i had to go out-of-state coming up soon, and the few simple questions he asked (who are you visiting? where are you getting the money for plane tickets?) were enough to make my heart race and just make me feel really shaky and upset for a little while. he wasn't even yelling, his voice was just slightly frustrated-sounding because my plans seemed to be coming out of nowhere, despite my having brought this up with him multiple times over the past month or so (meaning, he wasn't paying attention, or wasn't taking me seriously, so this was technically the first time he actually had to ask for details)

i'm really not sure how i'm ever going to see the doctor, i'm past the threshold of being able to just ask. i'm going to have to wait until i'm sick with a cold or something so i can see the doctor for that, and ask about mental issues as a side thing.

edit: has it been a year since i started seeking advice from you guys on this? it feels like it's been a year. it feels like this should have been done with by now.

Agree re: faking sick. You could even use some of the physical symptoms of depression like being tired all the time or something.

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im so cold and pathetic and completely driveless lmao

Spent the entire morning feeling awful about how fat I am, managed to drag myself to the mall to buy some cheap clothes to exercise in before we go to a friends house. Ren told her we would be late and we bought snacks and stuff to take. She messaged complaining at us for not being there yet and whoops, now I'm crying in the middle of the mall.

Now I feel like absolute shit and I'm not seeing any friends today. Cool.

7 hours later, still crying on and off

I have difficulty forming emotional attachments with anyone, to the point where I wouldn't emotionally care if my best friend disappeared. I would care, I just wouldn't feel anything. That makes me feel terrible, because it would make people feel terrible if I told them.
Makes it hard to cure loneliness.

I spent all day sleeping (again) and Ren came in to bother me every hour? Which already pissed me off a bit and fucked up my sleep

Then when i woke up properly at 7pm they came in and told me the bad news which is why they kept bothering me, presumably: Their work visa can only be extended once and the residency costs more than they thought. $1250. Because i was half asleep i thought this was $12500, which we have no hope of raising in time, since the work visa extension only last another year and a bit and the residency application takes 6-9 months to process. Anyway. We can easily make enough money with Ren working to cover the residency application costs since my parents are letting us live at their place rent free. On top of that we can also cover it with my student allowance, which is pretty hefty now that i'm over 24 and we will be relying on to move out later in the year.

The problem there is that it was supposed to have been processed by now, so i talked to the school and they told me they couldn't find my application (which i submitted digitally through their site. I can see it, confirmed finished and sent). They're just trading it around departments at this point, by the sounds of it. I'm stressed about this, Ren is super anxious about it and my parents keep bugging me despite their being not a lot i can do about it.

Ughhhh

Sister has been home less than 2 days and she has already yelled at mum (who was trying to help her at the time), screamed at me that i'm always angry and taking it out on everyone else, and laughed at my outfit and made me feel like shit about myself

Cool, love it

lately walking's been causing absolutely incredible amounts of pain in my lower back, which I probably should do something about but my experience with medicine has taught me there's probably nothing that can be done

being disabled fuckin' sucks.

the more time goes on the less sustainable all of my facades seem to be lol

cool I feel like throwing up

me organising events is literally the most reliable way for them to make sure nothing fucking works smoothly ever

I've never had a GF

I've never had a GF

Me neither. I feel like it's not the lack of kissing, huggy cuddly stuff or sex that stings. Rather, it's when you feel like going to a restaurant, or to a movie or going out wherever and you realize that you have nobody you can ask to go with you and it'd be weird to go there alone.

Do it anyway. Nobody judges you, and even if they do, what are they gonna do? How will their opinion of you materially affect your life? Nothing and it doesn't. This is very hard to do at first because letting go of that anxiety and need for approval takes self-training and practice, but it's worth it. Awkwardness is a prison and breaking out of it hurts, but it's great when you do. You may or may not be able to make yourself do it depending on your situation and mental health (and mood and energy at a specific time), but if you can even start to take the small steps, I feel it's worth trying. It was for me, and continues to be hard sometimes, but it's a pretty big quality of life improvement.

Just remember that there's nothing wrong with you if you can't, and what worked for me might not for you!

Going to all those places on your own is actually kinda nice! i personally prefer doing those things alone. Slorange is right re: people judging; nobody is paying attention to you. :o