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**OTTO** · 03-13-2013, 12:47 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

> Your own head.
> Hamperspace.
> Teh Interwebz.
> The party, who lives in a party? No one, nobody lives in parties.

**OTTO** · 03-13-2013, 07:37 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by Hob.

Your happy place.
Aka, that one shop which has all the useless junk nobody else wants or needs. The perfect hideout.

Dragon Fogel · 03-13-2013, 09:40 PM

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

snuffysam Wrote:> Into the dungeon!

Hob Wrote:Your happy place.
Aka, that one shop which has all the useless junk nobody else wants or needs. The perfect hideout.

Oh, yeah. The Dungeon. That run-down shop that only sells useless things. You're their only customer, which means it's the perfect store for you.

You head over to the Dungeon and leave those jerks to do their stupid mainstream dancing in your house. You were in your house before it was cool, man. But now it's just sold out.

Anyways, you head into the Dungeon and...

Wait a second. You're not the only customer here. There's some old lady, and she's glaring at you.

You are now Great-Aunt Gertrude. Your good-for-nothing wealthy nephew left you to live in a stupid run-down shack. You also work for a mysterious nefarious force who wants some dead hipster to make a blog post, damned if you know why the boss wants it or even what a "blog" is, but at least the pay's good.

Your mysterious employer told you to go to Portland and ensure nothing interfered with the blog post, whatever that is, but along the way you got sidetracked by this little shop. They've got nothing good, but at least it's cheap.

Anyhow, that dead hipster just wandered in. And your phone's ringing.

Oh, it's the boss. He says the blog post thingy should've been up by now. You guess you should get this hipster back on track. So what are you going to do?

**OTTO** · 03-13-2013, 10:11 PM

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

> Ask what brings him here, he looks like he was in the middle of something.

**OTTO** · 03-13-2013, 11:20 PM

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

> Pick him up and drag him to the nearest computer.
> Have no idea what a computer is.

**OTTO** · 03-14-2013, 05:08 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by Professor Science.

> Point to the hipster's shirt and say "Oh, how nice! I've got one just like it at home."

**OTTO** · 03-14-2013, 07:11 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by Hob.

Pinch his cheek

Dragon Fogel · 03-15-2013, 01:32 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

Professor Science Wrote:> Point to the hipster's shirt and say "Oh, how nice! I've got one just like it at home."

Hmm, what's that shirt he's wearing? Oh, it's from the 1945 World's Fair! Well, he looks a little young to have been there, but on the other hand, he's dead. Who can say?

You tell him you have the same shirt back at home. He seems very uncomfortable all of a sudden. Oh, this won't do, he can't post a blog or whatever it is if he's not feeling well. You'll need to calm him down.

Hob Wrote:Pinch his cheek

You pinch him on the cheek and reassure him that it's going to be fine, that he's a very handsome dead young man and you're sure he'll have no trouble finding a nice young dead lady, and you're sure he'll be the most popular dead young man in town before long.

He whimpers. This isn't working so well. How is he supposed to blog any posts if he's in this shape?

snuffysam Wrote:> Pick him up and drag him to the nearest computer.
> Have no idea what a computer is.

You lift the poor dead hipster up on your shoulder. You suppose that you'll just have to take him to a computer and make him blogpost that postblog. There's just one problem; you don't know where they keep these newfangled computer things.

Where are you going to look for one?

**OTTO** · 03-15-2013, 02:00 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

> Try his house, he has to own one, they're all the rage these days with kids his age. Dead years not counting.

**OTTO** · 03-15-2013, 04:08 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by Professor Science.

> Search the local graveyard. Surely those mysterious gadgets are found in mysterious places.

**OTTO** · 03-15-2013, 01:01 PM

Originally posted on MSPA by omegawill.

oh wait you're in portland go to powell's or something
they uh... I assume there's computers there somewhere

Dragon Fogel · 03-16-2013, 01:29 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

DS Piron Wrote:> Try his house, he has to own one, they're all the rage these days with kids his age. Dead years not counting.

Oh, right, he probably has one at his house. You ask him for his address, but he just mumbles something, sounds kind of like "not underground". Well, that's not helpful. Guess you'll have to try somewhere else.

Professor Science Wrote:> Search the local graveyard. Surely those mysterious gadgets are found in mysterious places.

You head over to a nearby graveyard, but the hipster starts freaking out. Maybe it's something to do with being dead. Well, guess you'd better try somewhere else.

omegawill Wrote:oh wait you're in portland go to powell's or something
they uh... I assume there's computers there somewhere

You head into some big bookstore called Powell's. This is a big place, they probably have one of those newfangled computer-thingies.

It's pretty crowded in here, and the hipster's mumbling something about "too popular, can't stay here".

Confound it, what's wrong with this youngster? Isn't there anywhere you can take him where he won't freak out? And what's so important about this postblog thingy, anyways? Can't your unknown nefarious employer just get someone else to do it?

You are now a clerk at Powell's. Some old lady has dragged a dead hipster into your store. What are you going to do about it?

**OTTO** · 03-16-2013, 01:39 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

> Welcome them the the most popular store in Portland!*

*In comparison to 'stores' that are actually holes in the ground. Pain Holes.

**OTTO** · 03-16-2013, 09:46 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

> Send the woman away. You only allow dead people.

Dragon Fogel · 03-16-2013, 09:12 PM

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

DS Piron Wrote:> Welcome them the the most popular store in Portland!*

*In comparison to 'stores' that are actually holes in the ground. Pain Holes.

Well, when in doubt, go with what you know. You walk over to the old woman and the dead hipster and ask in your politest tone if there's something you can help them with.

"Well, young man, this dead boy here needs to boast on his plog or something, and we need a complicuticator so he can do that. Do you have any of those around here?"

You have no idea what this woman is talking about, and the dead hipster seems to just be in a state of shock and unable to clarify anything she's saying. You may need to try a different approach.

snuffysam Wrote:> Send the woman away. You only allow dead people.

Suddenly, you recall the memo that was posted last night. The new store policy is that only dead customers are allowed in.

You apologetically inform the old woman that under new store policies, she has to leave, though the hipster can stay. You have to repeat yourself a few times until she finally gets the idea and walks out.

Now you're left with this dead hipster in a state of shock. However, by a fortunate coincidence, you read through "How To Deal With A Dead Hipster In A State Of Shock" just the other day.

Now, what did the book recommend for this situation?

**OTTO** · 03-16-2013, 11:38 PM

Originally posted on MSPA by Xindaris.

>Explain that everyone is in shock these days, it's totally all the rage.

Dragon Fogel · 03-16-2013, 11:53 PM

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

Xindaris Wrote:>Explain that everyone is in shock these days, it's totally all the rage.

Oh, yes, that was it. Amazing that they needed three hundred pages to explain that.

Anyhow, you inform the dead hipster that all the cool kids are in shock nowadays, and he promptly snaps out of it. Then he demands to know where the exit is. You point it out to him, and he thanks you, then turns to leave.

He promptly comes back and informs you that exit is too mainstream. This could take a while to sort out.

You are now Stupid Jerk. You go by the name stupidJerk on the internet. You work for some unknown nefarious entity who requests your aid for vague plans that you don't understand. But hey, he sends you free video games, so what do you care?

The boss just called a few minutes ago to tell you that another of his minions screwed up and lost track of the hipster who's supposed to put something critically important to The Plan up on his blog. But it seems the post is all ready to go on the dead hipster's computer, so all you need to do is hack in and post the thing.

Of course, you're the best hacker on the planet; that's why the boss picked you, after all. But even you aren't quite good enough to hack without a computer, and yours is a mess right now because Pooplord somehow managed to upload a virus to it by pure dumb luck.

Even without that issue, the hipster uses some ridiculously obscure computer that you don't know anything about. It'd take you a whole afternoon to figure it out enough to code a program that'll work right, and that's way too boring. You could be using that time to play video games.

So how are you going to do this?

**OTTO** · 03-16-2013, 11:57 PM

Originally posted on MSPA by Xindaris.

>Do you live anywhere near portland? If so, infiltration might be an option...

**OTTO** · 03-17-2013, 09:44 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

> Just hack into his house.
> With an axe.

**OTTO** · 03-17-2013, 10:46 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

Bluh bluh behind post

SpoilerShow

>Hack the afterlife's computers for contact info, preferably something quick, like a phone number.

Dragon Fogel · 03-18-2013, 12:16 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

DS Piron Wrote:>Hack the afterlife's computers for contact info, preferably something quick, like a phone number.

Why would you do that? You already hacked the afterlife's computers to make sure he'd end up in Portland. You even hacked the address into there. You already know all his contact info, you set half of it up.

Xindaris Wrote:>Do you live anywhere near portland? If so, infiltration might be an option...

Oh, you live near Portland, all right. In fact, you live real close, because you're in Portland.

Portland, Maine, that is. Unless you find some kind of machine that can teleport you from one town to another with the same name, though, that doesn't help you much.

Oh, but maybe one of the bosses' other minions is there. You check your phone for their locations... hmm, Sun God is on the sun, no surprise there. The old lady is in Portland, but you already know she can't handle this job.

Oh, but what's this? Lizardguy's planet-ship is over Portland, Oregon. Maybe you can get this taken care of after all. You contact the tattooed lizardman and ask him to find a way to ground level and start checking the hipster's house. Maybe he's already written enough of the post; it's been three weeks, after all.

You are now a four-armed, three-legged lizardman covered in tattoos. You work for some unknown nefarious entity, and one of your associates just called with some instructions for you.

You still need to find a way destroy your civilization with that strange game, but it can wait. This is a critical part of the plan that you don't understand, after all. You've made it to the surface of this Port-Land and have already found the homedwelling of the hipster-beast. There seems to be quite a lot of noise, but this does not concern you. You only need to find a way in; the door is not automatically opening the way dwelling-doors on your planet-ship do. This world's global computer system must be malfunctioning.

So you need to find another way in, but what?

snuffysam Wrote:> Just hack into his house.
> With an axe.

Ah, yes, the perfect plan. All you need is an axe.

But where are you going to find one?

**OTTO** · 03-18-2013, 12:37 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

> Notice windows, jump through them, the global computer system can't be so broken as allow you to defenestrate yourself...

**OTTO** · 03-18-2013, 01:53 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by Xindaris.

>Obviously the firemen have an axe specifically for the purpose of breaking down doors and such. Stop by the firemen's firehouse.

**OTTO** · 03-18-2013, 08:17 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

Xindaris Wrote:>Obviously the firemen have an axe specifically for the purpose of breaking down doors and such. Stop by the firemen's firehouse.

> Firehouse: Be literally a firehouse.

Dragon Fogel · 03-18-2013, 07:00 PM

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

Xindaris Wrote:>Obviously the firemen have an axe specifically for the purpose of breaking down doors and such. Stop by the firemen's firehouse.

You suddenly recall from your brief studies of Earth culture that there is a race known as "firemen", who carry a strange assortment of equipment. Among them is an axe for breaking down doors; no doubt they are a savage tribe of looters. You will look for one of their homedwellings and retrieve the axe.

snuffysam Wrote:> Firehouse: Be literally a firehouse.

You soon come across what must be a fireman's homedwelling. You can tell because it appears to be made of fire.

However, you are not alone here; there is also a large truck, and some humanthings carrying a large hose. You also see that they have axes much like the firemen.

You reach the only logical conclusion: these must be watermen, the sworn enemies of the firemen. Clearly they have come for a raid on the fireman homedwelling. You could aid them in their battle, and claim an axe as spoils of war; or you could simply take an axe from the watermen and leave them to their own squabble.

You decide upon the latter. It will take less time, and there have been enough delays already.

You are now a firefighter. You are trying to fight a fire. However, some weird four-armed three-legged lizardman covered in tattoos is charging at you.

What will you do about this?