Consistency

Loather of Irk, that's what

That's right! What must be the Loather of Irk. All the clues fit together perfectly, there's no other possibility.

That still leaves the question of which of these people are actually Who and Why, though. How are you going to figure that out?

wear... pants.

Yes... pants... will... be... the... perfect... disguise.

These... Earth... creatures... will... not... suspect... a... thing.

But... what... color... will... the... pants... be?

Now merge the two

You merge the two, leaving the three, seven, and nine. Your current total is fourteen.

Available operations remaining are expunge, reciprocate, divide. Which will you select next?

Um, a peanut donut, OBVIOUSLY.

Yes, seriously, how can this waitress not already know what you want? Any server worth your time would have mastered the art of telepathy for the sole purpose of knowing what you want before you even arrive. You will definitely not be leaving a tip.

Oh, and what kind of nonsense is this? She insists you order something that is actually on the lunch menu. As if a peanut donut were not the perfect lunch already! What sort of inferior restaurant is this?

Why, if you weren't so hungry, you'd walk right out of here this instant. But you have little choice. You'll have to settle for the least unpleasant item on the menu. This is an outrage, but one you will have to deal with on a full stomach.

So what item will you order?

I am completely out of cream cheese.

The officer looks at you in horror, and you quickly realize why. You forgot just how important cream cheese is in this country. You might as well have confessed to murder.

He's already reaching for his gun. You've got to do something, quick. How are you going to get out of this mess?

spaghettonia, the planet of well-toned spaghetti people

Ah, yes. "Spaghettonia, the planet of well-toned spaghetti people" is the perfect name for your new town... except it won't fit on these signs. You told the city council they should have budgeted for bigger signs, but no, they said it was a waste of money that could have gone to welfare programs and public schools. What a bunch of jerks.

Well, there's no way you're compromising on this after coming up with the perfect name. So what are you going to do about the sign problem?