The Battle Royale S2 [Round 4: Burnination Studios]

Most mortals would panic at the sight of a gigantic bearded pangolin wielding an enormous sword. The more curious among them might attempt to communicate with it and attempt to work out what exactly it was doing.

Sirius' prefered approach was to ignore it for as long as possible in hopes that it would go away. He didn't especially care why the pangolin was there in the first place - there was no reason he could imagine that would make him more comfortable with the situation.

Of course, as difficult as it can be to ignore a gigantic bearded sword-wielding pangolin, it becomes even more difficult when said pangolin leans down to whisper in your ear. Especially when said whisper is, due to the sheer size of the vocal chords producing it, about as quiet as someone speaking through a bullhorn.

"I THINK YOU'RE ON THE WRONG SET," it boomed. "WE DON'T GET OUR BIG SCENE TOGETHER UNTIL LATE IN THE ROUND." It lifted a paw and pointed as subtly as it could considering it was two hundred feet tall. "PRETTY SURE YOU'RE OVER AT THE CLOCK TOWER RIGHT NOW."

Sirius was too dazed from the attempted whispers to consider the various implications of what the pangolin had just said to him. All he was able to gather was that he had just been given a reason not to stay here, which meant not having to work out why a giant pangolin was trying to whisper things to him.

"Thank you," he said awkwardly, before flying off towards the tower.

---

Geoff's introduction to the world of Burnination Studios had been more low-key. Granted, he was still surrounded by strangely-dressed humans, robots, and monsters, but somehow they all seemed much less intimidating when they were sitting in a waiting room reading magazines while soothing music played.

He hadn't even thought to raise a fuss when the secretary handed him a number. True, he probably wasn't meant to be there, but whoever he was evidently meeting with could probably give him some answers about what was going on here. The explanation that had been broadcast didn't readily fit with what he was seeing, and the easiest way to find out what was really going on was to play along with it.

"Number 136!" a woman called out suddenly.

Geoff glanced at his slip of paper, and stood up.

"That's me," he said. He walked over to the door, and the woman glanced at him.

"Name?"

"Geoff Wilson."

"Wilson... oh, the detective." She looked at him again. "I suppose you need help coming across as a bit more hardboiled. Well, this shouldn't take too long."

Geoff was surprised, but he'd been working long enough not to let it show. Most likely it was just a coincidence. In a transfinite multiverse, there must be more than one Geoff Wilson who did some detective work, after all.

He followed her down a hallway filled with doors. Geoff took a glance at the nameplates on them all as he passed and scribbled them down on his notepad.

"Well, you're not having trouble getting into character, at least," the woman said, stopping in front of a door labeled "HOLLY WOOD". She opened it and Geoff followed her in. "But you still need the right attitude. I've seen the script, Geoff Wilson's not just some kid who thinks he's tough. He's jaded, bitter. To him, being abducted to take part in a battle to the death is no different from another day at the office."

"Sorry, what?" Geoff said. This time, he couldn't hide his surprise. "I'm not sure I heard you right."

"See, that's what I mean," Holly sighed. "You sound like you don't know what you're doing. But you're Geoff Wilson, private eye. You've seen it all. You've seen men kill their wives, women kill their husbands, children kill their parents. You think everyone's out to get you and most of the time you're right. And that's gotta show even when you're not saying any lines."

Geoff tried to wrap his head around what she was even talking about, and then decided it would be easiest to just go with it.

"Listen here, sweetheart," he said. "I don't know who you think you are, but I don't take that kinda crap from nobody. I got a job to do here, and you got a choice. You can help me with it, or you can stay the hell outta my way."

"A bit rough, but it's a good start," Holly said, smiling. "Listen, I'm running late today, so I don't think I can give you a full coaching session. But I can give you a little something to get you through your scenes."

Holly walked over to her desk, rummaged through her drawer, and pulled out a small egg.

"It's cold now, but don't worry," she said. "It still counts. You're not the first detective I've had to help out, Mr. Wilson."

She held up the egg and closed her eyes. Geoff watched as it vanished from her hand.

He didn't feel anything. Holly opened her eyes, puzzled.

"It didn't work," she said. "I'm sorry. Perhaps I did something wrong?"

---

Sirius hadn't really given any thought to what he was going to find at the clock tower. This was, largely, a defense mechanism. Rather than trying to guess what specific absurdity he was going to encounter next, he opted for a general assumption that he was going to run into the silliest thing yet.

When he arrived at the clock tower, he realized he hadn't been nearly pessimistic enough.

"Whoa! Rolls, is it just me or are you seeing double?"

Standing before him were two strange sights, and the robotic armadillo was the less surprising one. A human, dressed in his armor, with synthetic wings (though you had to look very closely to tell the difference).

"Wonderful-just-what-I-needed-as-if-one-Sirius-was-not-bad-enough," the armadillo beeped.

"Excuse me?" the real Sirius asked, unwilling to believe what he had just heard. "What was that name again?"

"Oh, I see!" the actor said. "You want to know if I'm really Sirius!" He leaned in and whispered to his double. "Well, just between you and me, I'm never Sirius."

Acting on pure reflex, Sirius punched himself in the face.