Consistency

It's time to take Presidential action. The first step to saving the nation - and also the world, that's important too - from these monsters is to...

> open mailbox

...open your mailbox and see if anyone's got any suggestions to offer. Seriously, you need all the help you can get. The first letter says:

an intelligent heart is one that can communicate and think for itself. Using its telepathic mind control, it could hypothetically gather an army large enough to take over the world. You must destroy it before this happens!

Is this trying to tell you that an intelligent heart is controlling these monsters? Or is it just junk mail? Oh well, you can send some agents into the past to investigate. The possibility.

Regardless, now that you've done the important task of checking your Presidential mail, it's time to boldly take action!

make a bong out of a beaker

Namely, by making a bong out of a beaker. Because man, with this kind of crazy stuff going on, you really need to mellow out. So you persuade Congress to spend millions on research and development to convert a beaker into a bong. With that done, you move onto the next step.

make a beaker out of that bong

That being the part where you realize the bong is useless to you. Being skeletal, you don't actually have a body chemistry to affect - which raises questions as to how exactly you got that hangover, you really should try to get in touch with that ugly scientist again.

So having concluded this, you get Congress to approve millions more in research to turn the bong back into a beaker.

This has really been a productive session! You should try to keep up the momentum.

Make a bonger out of a beak.

You then get Congress to approve millions more in research to make a bonger out of a beak. You have no idea what that actually means but you're sure it will be helpful in the fight against the monsters from the depths of the Atlantic HOLY CRAP IS THAT ONE RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW?

Yes. Yes, it is. And it is terrifying. But you are the President, and you are not letting some monstrosity from the depths of the Atlantic Ocean get the better of you! You run up to the window and boldly shout out

88 Lines About 44 Women

and by the time you finish the 88th line, the White House is a smoldering wreck. Well, that didn't work out like you'd hoped.

You're going to need a new plan. What is it?