Zoostuck 2

Call the Skeleton President. He probably has nothing else better to do.

Thinking quickly, you shout "The Skeleton President! He probably has nothing else better to do!"

You aren't actually sure why you did that. Luckily, no one else is, either. Everyone else is either running around in a panic or just staring at their cards in confusion.

So clearly your plan the whole time was to create a distraction! And it was a total success. Now you can proceed with phase two of your plan, namely,

Look up what two pair is.

running to the window and looking up the side of the What Two Pair Is Hotel and Casino where you're playing.

Wait, why did you do that, it doesn't even have anything to do with your phone book powers... oh. There's a secret message carved into the underside of the window! You must have known that was there all along. Now if you can just figure out what it says, you can win this hand and get big piles of money.

Oh, wait, what? It says "STOP WASTING TIME YOU IDIOT". Well, that can't be for you, it must be a secret message for someone else. You'll need to think of another plan...

Oh. Everyone else folded because they were completely unable to read you. This was your plan the whole time! And it was perfect! You collect your winnings and proceed to... to... oh, you'll figure it out sometime. Who cares right now, you're rich.

You are now a zombified photograph. You used to be a forum account, but then you died and some evil wizard reanimated you as a photograph for some stupid reason.

You don't even know who you're a photograph of. All you know is that whoever it is, they've never heard of a Municipal Sewage Production Academy. Well, you'd never heard of that either until the wizard mentioned it, and you still don't know what it actually is.

Anyways, you've been magically bound to obey the stupid wizard. Something about an experiment to make sure a squirrel would obey him. But he just died of a heart attack, so now you can make your escape.

Except your buddy, another dead forum account reanimated as a photograph, refuses to help out and insists that being a zombie photograph slave is the best thing that's ever happened to him. And goddamn it, you aren't just leaving him behind.

So how are you going to convince him to rebel?