Consistency

Once upon a time, there was a magical land known to all as

Meet Peter Capaldi.

Everyone was happy in the magical land of Meet Peter Capaldi, everyone except the evil wizard

Laff-A-Lympics

For you see, Laff-A-Lympics had an evil plan he couldn't carry out. This evil plan was to

Rig the 'Win a shopping trip with One Direction' contest so you win.

The plan was working just fine, right up until Laff-A-Lympics ran into a small problem. Namely,

Philosophi-Kill Inc. is not responsible for any injury incurred by the use of its products, so tough luck, buddy!

And so Laff-A-Lympics lost his lawsuit against Philosophi-Kill Inc., which meant he didn't have the money to spare on bribing contest officials. This meant that he needed to come up with a new plan, so he decided to

Excise gold.

More specifically, he decided to excise gold from birds, since birds in the land of Meet Peter Capaldi ate lots of gold and often laid golden eggs.

But he soon ran into a snag. As he did some research on the best birds to excise gold from, he discovered that

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"

That was a concern. It was a good deal easier to catch birds in the Bush region of Meet Peter Capaldi, but time was essential - the contest deadline was in only three days. The Hand region, by contrast, was a good deal more dangerous, as it was a vast hand-shaped sea of ice. But all the data suggested that the birds there had twice as much gold to excise, which would save him a lot of time.

In the end, Laff-A-Lympics decided to go to the Hand, where he discovered that the ice only went up to his knees. All he had to do was cast a spell warming his feet and lower legs, and he had nothing to fear. He easily caught enough Hand birds, excised their gold, and had plenty of time to bribe officials and rig the contest so he won the shopping trip with One Direction.

It was only after all the bribes had gone through and the contest had concluded that Laff-A-Lympics discovered he was the only one who had entered.

The moral of the story is,

a
vast
sea
of
ice
is
only
knee
deep

and also that nobody particularly likes One Direction.