Consistency

this isn't even an actual problem. you don't have to do anything

Well, no. But if you don't do anything it's going to be tough to justify charging as much as you are. You've got to at least look like you're fixing it. Admittedly there isn't really anything to fix, but again, you can't exactly tell the client that.

The only thing you can think of is to spout indecipherable technobabble as a diversion while pretending to actually do something with the device, without actually moving anything or taking out any wires or anything.

Unfortunately, you were never very good at coming up with indecipherable technobabble. So now you need a plan to stall for time while you come up with some technobabble so you can stall for time until you claim you've fixed the problem that doesn't actually exist.

Now, just how are you going to do that?

"THEY ARE ALL SHLUBS!" you think.

You think it as hard as you can. The inquisitor simply stares at you.

Really? All of them? The entire orchestra? he thinks at you. You claim that there is an entire orchestra of Shlubs working to undermine us, and somehow we failed to notice this? Do you actually have any evidence of this absurd claim, prisoner? Or are you simply desperate enough to tell us preposterous stories in hopes that we may release you?

Great, looks like you're in even more trouble now. Unless you can think up some good evidence to show him, and fast.

give me 50 and i'll get it pregnant

You make the offer, smiling as hard as you can. But the potential customer just stares at you awkwardly.

"I honestly can't see why I would want a pregnant fifty-dollar bill, and I neither know nor want to know exactly how you would impregnate it," he says, after an uncomfortable silence.

Okay, this is it. This could make or break the sale. He's skeptical, but also clearly curious. You just need to give him a good explanation that assuages his doubts.

So what are you going to tell him?

Color outside the lines.

Ah, of course! You can paint the floor between the lines, and you won't have to close down the store. You just need to keep the customers off the wet paint all day. Well, that shouldn't be too hard, right?

But now you're faced with a very difficult and important decision. Just what color of paint are you going to use?

Install every mod.

Of course! That's why your message board of artificial intelligences is such a disaster, you forgot to install any moderator intelligences! You quickly do that so everything can be fixed before it gets any worse. You then head off to bed, excited to see the results in the morning.

When you wake up, you discover that two of the moderator intelligences have started a civil war, a third is simply spouting highly offensive political opinions in every thread, and the fourth has broken down in virtual tears. Somehow the perfect solution didn't work out as expected.

Well, what are you going to do now?

Hammerman, Hammer
Hammerman, Hammer

Right, yeah. Hammerman and Hammer will go in the main team, and Hammerman and Hammer will go in the team that's rescuing the hostages.

That leaves Hammerman and Hammer. If you just leave them with nothing to do, they're sure to get into trouble. So what kind of mission can you give them to keep them busy?

Punch your roommate in the face.

Oh, yes, that's a practical solution. Why didn't you think of that earlier? It's not like your roommate is an entire alternate universe where not a single living being has a face or anything like that OH WAIT YES SHE IS.

So if you're going to insist on this course of action, you'd better have a plan for how you punch something that doesn't have a face in the face.

Well? Do you?

> Do that. No, not that, that.

But you already did that! Twice, even! Right after you did that, then before you did that. You really can't do that again, at least not unless you can figure out how to do that and that first.

While you consider that, they do that and oh great, now you really can't do that. You're out of options, looks like you'll have to do... this.

But just what is this, exactly?