Potched Kumquat [Victory!]

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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Feeling relatively safe, Jordan examined the books on the various shelves. The titles were numerous and varied, but they all shared one thing in common.

Every book on every shelf had an obvious error in its name.

A Taile of Two Citties, Wart and Piese, Frunkenstein. Even the titles in languages incomprehensible to Jordan struck him as somehow off. It seemed that the library was a copy of one that existed elsewhere, but it was a poor replica; when one looked closely enough at the details, this was clearly inferior to the original.

And then he saw an alcove of nine books. Somehow, it jumped out at him.

The titles were as erroneous as the others he had come across. The Graind Bottle, The Gorand Batle Ii, The Battel Royl...

The next book, Potched Kumquat, caught his attention. He grabbed it and looked at the first page.

Contestrants:
Hotman
Jordain Smoth
Elmper, Rihat, and Wrong
Annelbee
Ilex Comendar
Copt. Veasilly Rurikovichoff
O Nomlesk Mannuqin
Lairrey

Despite the mangled words, Jordan realized what it was.

This was a book about this battle. The Organizer's battle. A skim through the first chapter or so confirmed this suspicion, as eerily familiar events were described through terrible spelling.

He considered flipping to the last page, but decided that was a risk he'd rather not take. If his fate was to die, he didn't need that confirmed; he was pretty sure of it already.

He replaced the book, and looked again at the shelf.

It was clear that the rest of the books contained information on other battles. Could he find something useful in them, perhaps? Maybe some way another fighter had won against the kind of odds he faced now?

Then he noticed the ninth book. It was titled simply Ale-Starrs.

Curiously, he opened it. There was also a list of contestants here, but it looked incomplete.

The first line read "Aximo Pluvis". The third read "White O'Donalds". The rest were blank.

On a hunch, Jordan looked at the first and third books, checking their respective lists of combatants. "Exismo Palves" was in the first book, and "What E'Donno" was in the third.

Jordan nearly screamed at the grim realization. Even if he managed, against all odds, to defeat the dragons and claim victory, his only reward would be to face seven more opponents in another battle. And glancing at the descriptions of the confirmed fighters, one of them was the "duckiest man alove", which didn't make Jordan feel any better about his odds of surviving that one.

He groaned. It seemed his fate was either to die here and now, or to die in another battle. Even if he miraculously won that one, how could he be sure that he wouldn't be flung into yet another one? And another after that?

Jordan grabbed the nine books and ran to a secluded corner of the library to read them. Perhaps one of these tomes would hold a clue to escaping his dilemma.