Re: The Great Belligerency [Round 3: Eternity Plateau]
07-27-2012, 01:40 AM
Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.
As it turned out, it was rather difficult to escape notice when you were a hideous creature covered in insects, a fact that Cole had almost forgotten. Of course, in general when he was noticed, he was greeted by screams of terror, not screams of "COLE! COLE!" from hundreds - perhaps thousands? - of spectators. Some of them even held up signs saying "ARAN'S OUR MAN" or "BUGGING OUT".
On the whole, Cole would have preferred the screams of terror.
The crowd's enthusiasm was not the only oddity with the scene. Cole soon discovered that his "47" shirt had inexplicably reappeared on his body, and the god-killing sword was now a wooden bat, which might or might not be effective against gods.
A crow flew over and perched on his shoulder. After receiving a mild shock, it flew off and instead opted to simply fly beside his head.
"Pardon me. I've had a glance over this field, and you seem to be the sanest person here," Crow said. "Do you think you could tell me what's going on? I took a little trip to the sun, and it seems everything's gone topsy-turvy while I was gone."
"You're a talking crow and you've been to the sun," Cole repeated.
"Well, it's not as if it's hard! You just have to fly up... oh, I see. You think I'm one of the topsy-turvy things. Well, that's rather presumptuous of you! No, I'm Crow, one of the local deities, and..."
Cole grabbed the bird in his fist.
"I'm not fond of gods," he snarled.
"Oh? What a shame," Crow said, doing his best to come off as unshaken while being electrically shocked. "Then I suppose I won't bother telling you how to use that god-killing weapon properly."
Cole released his grip on the bird.
"You mean this baseball bat?"
"It changes shape, you ninny. Normally 'sdone with the user's will and all that, but I think whatever's going on down here is getting in the way. Well, either that or you really like baseball."
"I don't," Cole grumbled.
"Didn't think so. Outfit aside, you don't strike me as the type. Anyhow, best I can figure, the balance of nature is all out of whack, and unless you fix it, you've got a god-killing baseball bat. 'Cept it won't be as simple as whacking them with it."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, sure, a bat works like a club, but it's primarily for playin' ball. And that means, you're not killing any gods with it unless you're playing the game at the time. That's just how the magic works."
Cole glanced at the field, where the two coaches were talking to Balance and Phil.
"Wonderful," he sighed. Resignedly, he made his way to the dugout and waited for the game to begin.
***
"Good day, sports fans!" Carl's voice shouted from the announcer's booth. "The championship game between the Plateau Eternals and the Multiverse Outsiders is about to begin!"
"This unknown game of yours will destroy us all!" the Elder shouted. "You have no idea what you have wrought!"
"Please ignore my co-commentator, everyone. Unless he actually talks about the game, of course. And now, the first inning!"
It didn't take long for Cole to decide that this whole mess would be more tolerable without his hearing. He stepped up to the pitcher's mound and picked up the sun with his glove.
It took him about a minute to come to terms with the fact that he had just picked up the sun. Then he hurled it at the tribesman holding the bat.
The batter swung, and hit it! The sun went flying towards Phil in right field, at a great height.
And then the field changed into a swamp. The batter slogged through it towards first base, while Phil shot the sun down. It fell back to the field, right over the first baseman, who grabbed it and tapped the batter out just as he'd finished slogging through, giving him a nasty sunburn in the process.
Cole was not intimately familiar with the rules of baseball, but he was fairly certain it wasn't supposed to go like this.
The next batter stepped up. Cole decided not to even bother throwing in any particular way; if the game was going to continue in this fashion, what was the point? At this rate, the field would do more to determine the winner.
The second batter swung, hitting the ball easily. He began to slog through the swamp...
And then, suddenly, he was on a motorcycle and the field was a road. He drove through first base, and second, then at third a helicopter in the outfield fired on his bike. Quickly, he leapt off and rushed for home.
"That is one meaningless point for the Eternals," the Elder grumbled. "Carrying us all one step closer to oblivion."
"I have to say, I've never seen a game quite like this," Carl added. "This is going to be a championship to remember, folks!"
Out in right field, Phil wondered whose idea it was to let Cole pitch, anyways. Two hits in two throws? What kind of amateur was he?
It didn't seem to stop the fans from cheering for him, though.
***
Outside, the battlefield had grown more chaotic. The mounted cavalry now had tanks and dinosaurs; the footmen now carried machine guns, rocket launchers, and longbows.
Then, in the space of a moment, the battle was once more horsemen against spearmen. The villagers took no notice of this; they simply kept fighting as before.
But one fighter was unaffected by the shift. She found it baffling. What could have caused such a sudden change, unnoticed by the natives? Would her agents in the army still obey her?
She had but a few minutes to ponder the problem before a horse charged at her, and then a few seconds more before it was a rhinoceros instead.
***
Cole had already given up making sense of the game by the time the pitcher's mound became home plate and home plate became a pitcher's mound. He didn't know much about baseball, but he was fairly sure the teams weren't supposed to switch positions until one team had sent all their batters; and he also didn't think the switch entailed having the bases loaded.
Balance now stood on the pitcher's mound, glaring at Cole.
"The score is imbalanced," he said suddenly, throwing the sun at Cole.
Cole made a halfhearted attempt to swing. Unsurprisingly, it didn't strike the sun; but it did strike Cole in the face and knocked him to the ground.
"That's a hit!" Phil shouted, running ahead. He started running towards second, leaping a crocodile pit along the way.
His teammates on second and third weren't so lucky; the man on second was carried away by a pterodactyl, while the man third was gunned down by the catcher just a few inches from the plate.
Phil ran past regardless, shooting the catcher along the way. He also dragged his teammate's corpse to home with him.
"Two points for the Outsiders!" Carl shouted. "This game is really heating up."
Balance simply glared. The score was unbalanced once again.
***
It didn't make sense. Why had the battle reverted to normal, then changed again? And why did no one else seem to notice?
She glared at the now-prone rhinoceros, as if she expected it to have answers to her unspoken questions.
"The score changed," it said suddenly. "They change with the world."
Oh, and it talked, too... wait.
Was it answering her questions?
"Yes," it said.
What is the "score"?
"2-1 right now," it replied.
That wasn't what she meant.
It said nothing.
Can it only answer questions?
"Yes."
She did not like the general shape this conversation was taking.
As it turned out, it was rather difficult to escape notice when you were a hideous creature covered in insects, a fact that Cole had almost forgotten. Of course, in general when he was noticed, he was greeted by screams of terror, not screams of "COLE! COLE!" from hundreds - perhaps thousands? - of spectators. Some of them even held up signs saying "ARAN'S OUR MAN" or "BUGGING OUT".
On the whole, Cole would have preferred the screams of terror.
The crowd's enthusiasm was not the only oddity with the scene. Cole soon discovered that his "47" shirt had inexplicably reappeared on his body, and the god-killing sword was now a wooden bat, which might or might not be effective against gods.
A crow flew over and perched on his shoulder. After receiving a mild shock, it flew off and instead opted to simply fly beside his head.
"Pardon me. I've had a glance over this field, and you seem to be the sanest person here," Crow said. "Do you think you could tell me what's going on? I took a little trip to the sun, and it seems everything's gone topsy-turvy while I was gone."
"You're a talking crow and you've been to the sun," Cole repeated.
"Well, it's not as if it's hard! You just have to fly up... oh, I see. You think I'm one of the topsy-turvy things. Well, that's rather presumptuous of you! No, I'm Crow, one of the local deities, and..."
Cole grabbed the bird in his fist.
"I'm not fond of gods," he snarled.
"Oh? What a shame," Crow said, doing his best to come off as unshaken while being electrically shocked. "Then I suppose I won't bother telling you how to use that god-killing weapon properly."
Cole released his grip on the bird.
"You mean this baseball bat?"
"It changes shape, you ninny. Normally 'sdone with the user's will and all that, but I think whatever's going on down here is getting in the way. Well, either that or you really like baseball."
"I don't," Cole grumbled.
"Didn't think so. Outfit aside, you don't strike me as the type. Anyhow, best I can figure, the balance of nature is all out of whack, and unless you fix it, you've got a god-killing baseball bat. 'Cept it won't be as simple as whacking them with it."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, sure, a bat works like a club, but it's primarily for playin' ball. And that means, you're not killing any gods with it unless you're playing the game at the time. That's just how the magic works."
Cole glanced at the field, where the two coaches were talking to Balance and Phil.
"Wonderful," he sighed. Resignedly, he made his way to the dugout and waited for the game to begin.
***
"Good day, sports fans!" Carl's voice shouted from the announcer's booth. "The championship game between the Plateau Eternals and the Multiverse Outsiders is about to begin!"
"This unknown game of yours will destroy us all!" the Elder shouted. "You have no idea what you have wrought!"
"Please ignore my co-commentator, everyone. Unless he actually talks about the game, of course. And now, the first inning!"
It didn't take long for Cole to decide that this whole mess would be more tolerable without his hearing. He stepped up to the pitcher's mound and picked up the sun with his glove.
It took him about a minute to come to terms with the fact that he had just picked up the sun. Then he hurled it at the tribesman holding the bat.
The batter swung, and hit it! The sun went flying towards Phil in right field, at a great height.
And then the field changed into a swamp. The batter slogged through it towards first base, while Phil shot the sun down. It fell back to the field, right over the first baseman, who grabbed it and tapped the batter out just as he'd finished slogging through, giving him a nasty sunburn in the process.
Cole was not intimately familiar with the rules of baseball, but he was fairly certain it wasn't supposed to go like this.
The next batter stepped up. Cole decided not to even bother throwing in any particular way; if the game was going to continue in this fashion, what was the point? At this rate, the field would do more to determine the winner.
The second batter swung, hitting the ball easily. He began to slog through the swamp...
And then, suddenly, he was on a motorcycle and the field was a road. He drove through first base, and second, then at third a helicopter in the outfield fired on his bike. Quickly, he leapt off and rushed for home.
"That is one meaningless point for the Eternals," the Elder grumbled. "Carrying us all one step closer to oblivion."
"I have to say, I've never seen a game quite like this," Carl added. "This is going to be a championship to remember, folks!"
Out in right field, Phil wondered whose idea it was to let Cole pitch, anyways. Two hits in two throws? What kind of amateur was he?
It didn't seem to stop the fans from cheering for him, though.
***
Outside, the battlefield had grown more chaotic. The mounted cavalry now had tanks and dinosaurs; the footmen now carried machine guns, rocket launchers, and longbows.
Then, in the space of a moment, the battle was once more horsemen against spearmen. The villagers took no notice of this; they simply kept fighting as before.
But one fighter was unaffected by the shift. She found it baffling. What could have caused such a sudden change, unnoticed by the natives? Would her agents in the army still obey her?
She had but a few minutes to ponder the problem before a horse charged at her, and then a few seconds more before it was a rhinoceros instead.
***
Cole had already given up making sense of the game by the time the pitcher's mound became home plate and home plate became a pitcher's mound. He didn't know much about baseball, but he was fairly sure the teams weren't supposed to switch positions until one team had sent all their batters; and he also didn't think the switch entailed having the bases loaded.
Balance now stood on the pitcher's mound, glaring at Cole.
"The score is imbalanced," he said suddenly, throwing the sun at Cole.
Cole made a halfhearted attempt to swing. Unsurprisingly, it didn't strike the sun; but it did strike Cole in the face and knocked him to the ground.
"That's a hit!" Phil shouted, running ahead. He started running towards second, leaping a crocodile pit along the way.
His teammates on second and third weren't so lucky; the man on second was carried away by a pterodactyl, while the man third was gunned down by the catcher just a few inches from the plate.
Phil ran past regardless, shooting the catcher along the way. He also dragged his teammate's corpse to home with him.
"Two points for the Outsiders!" Carl shouted. "This game is really heating up."
Balance simply glared. The score was unbalanced once again.
***
It didn't make sense. Why had the battle reverted to normal, then changed again? And why did no one else seem to notice?
She glared at the now-prone rhinoceros, as if she expected it to have answers to her unspoken questions.
"The score changed," it said suddenly. "They change with the world."
Oh, and it talked, too... wait.
Was it answering her questions?
"Yes," it said.
What is the "score"?
"2-1 right now," it replied.
That wasn't what she meant.
It said nothing.
Can it only answer questions?
"Yes."
She did not like the general shape this conversation was taking.
There's no reason for this | Or this | Death is inevitable | You can't challenge fate | The smallest change | I'm overwhelmed
I'm serious | It makes perfect sense | Easy as ABC! | I can't even explain it | Cleaning up someone else's mess
I suck | I rule | I've got it made | Really, I'm serious | This bugs me | It's all lies | I want to believe | Beauty is a curse
I'm serious | It makes perfect sense | Easy as ABC! | I can't even explain it | Cleaning up someone else's mess
I suck | I rule | I've got it made | Really, I'm serious | This bugs me | It's all lies | I want to believe | Beauty is a curse