Nopor Puss Advice Column

nbp:

i [ook wohfr advicw ands now tiping ksijo

heasdlp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Mr. President,

I am currently planning an attack on your office. How can maximize the effort I put into this attack while still ensuring it fails completely?

THERE IS A RABID BADGER IN MY HOUSE AND IT HAS A KNIFE

WHAT DO I DO

OH GOD

I HEARD SOMETHING OUTSIDE THE DOOR

WHAT DO I DOOOO

Dear Santa Claus,

I want the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity for Christmas, because it doesn't do anything useful. But I already have the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity! How can I ensure I'm disappointed that it's not there without actually losing it and therefore having a reason to want it?

Dear Nopor Puss:

I have a bit of a problem... I can't hardly force myself to write anything anymore! I have thousands of words that need cranking out, but I just can't seem to make it happen. What do I do?

Adverbially yours,
Blocked Writer

Dear Heasdlp,

I'm trying to make up my mind on whether to learn how to play the piano. Should I buy a piano and not learn how to play, or should I learn how to play and then never get a piano?

Daer Npoor Psus,

I am tstenig teh pincrlpie of palncig teh fsrit and lsat lteters in teh rghit pcale and sneieg if teh snnetece is slitl coprnelmisehbe.

How is it wkronig?

A lgiinust

Dear Duckstuck Guy,

What can I do to be as brilliant and talented as you are? Obviously it's pointless to ask this because I never can be no matter how hard I try.