ZooStuck

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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> Session or no session, You ARE the Heir of Breath. Do the cosmic windy thing.

...At least to insult him and slow him down enough to do the REAL Pooplord thing.

You decide that, since he's you and you're him, and he can do that wind thing, maybe you can, too. You strike a dramatic pose and start waving your arms and stuff and...

And nothing happens. Well, except for Eggbeans there laughing at your pathetic display. That bought you some time, at least; now it's time to do the Pooplord thing!

If you figure out what that is.

kill your self, ego death

A desperate plan comes to mind - you may not share his powers, but perhaps you're connected on a deeper level. If you die, he might die as well. You aren't exactly thrilled by the idea, but you're going to be wiped out anyways if he rewrites the universe. It's the only thing you can think of.

But how are you going to go about it?

EXPLOOOOOOODE

Oh, of course. You'll blow yourself up. If you rush at him with some kind of bomb, you may be able to stop him even if the whole killing-yourself-kills-him idea is wrong.

You don't have a bomb, though... but you do have a grand piano and an experimental train jet. You detach the jet, somehow, and tie it to the piano. Then you hop on and fire up the highly dangerous jet and rush towards Eggblood...

...and he holds up a hand and the piano immediately stops. Then it bursts into flames. Looks like you'll have to settle for dying and hope that somehow destroys him.

All of a sudden, a pizza comes flying out of the planet-ship, and knocks you off the burning piano, moments before the jet explodes. It's your favorite kind, too.

And suddenly, you realize just what the Pooplord thing is.

>Something Stupid and helpful: HAPEN

The Pooplord thing is having stupid things suddenly happen out of nowhere that somehow help you out. For the first time in your life, perhaps the only time, you feel able to control this. You can make something stupid happen that will turn the tide of this battle.

You just need to make sure it's the right stupid thing.

SUMMON FEDORA; WORLD-EATING CAT.

Suddenly, a gust of wind blows the hat off of the strange creature's head and onto your own. The creature chases after it and leaps into your arms.

You feel a heightened sense of awareness. That creature is a cat. It came from the heavens, or rather the restaurant of the heavens.

And without the hat, it has an insatiable hunger.

You throw the ravenous beast at Jed Eggleheimer or whatever his name is. He tries to repel it, but it merely devours whatever he fires at it, flying relentlessly forward towards him.

In a moment, he is consumed. The entirety of Jay Eggworth is now within the cat.

It purrs happily.

You are now the cat. You have consumed a being of immense power. Due to your mystical nature, this means you have inherited that power.

You can now rewrite the entire universe. The power is yours.

>Cat: Do it. Remake the universe.

Oh. That dead guy's spirit came along for the ride, too. And isn't that quaint, he thinks he can command you. Well, you'll show him what you think of that.

Shove him into the Dimension of Infinite Staircases.

Using your new incredible powers, you shove the spirit haunting you into the Dimension of Infinite Staircases, where he shall fall for eternity. You then decide that these reality-altering powers, while immensely fun, are far too dangerous. Also that you're sick of being a mystical creature after more thousands of years than you can count.

So, using your near-infinite power, you turn cats into a regular old species that can be photographed and eliminate your near-infinite power. You do make a few minor tweaks to the universe first, though, like manifesting an enormous salmon right in front of your physical body.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord again. You're pretty confused by what just happened, but hey, you still exist and that's pretty neat.

There's a cat in front of you eating a huge salmon. A bunch of other cats are joining in. Your dad walks over to you and pats you on the head; you notice he's no longer breathing fire.

There's a big mess here, what with the torn-down house and the train and the burned-up grand piano and the burning chunks of cardboard, and also the Sun France parliament debating some motion or other, but you get the feeling it's all going to work out somehow.

Besides, it's not really your problem. You're heading home now. You've missed three weeks of school thanks to this mess, but hey, it can't be that hard to make up for it, right?

You are Zoosmell Pooplord, and you've realized that you have your whole life ahead of you. No sense getting hung up on a stupid name and a lack of crazy wind powers. Sure, people may laugh at you now, but one day, you'll make Zoosmell Pooplord a respectable name.

Or maybe you'll get it legally changed when you're old enough. Depends on how much of a hassle it is.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE WON ZOOSTUCK!