ZooStuck

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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Quick, start playing another game on Steam! That'll stop the installation instantly.

> Write an program that will start two ten more of itself. Start it and hope it clogs everthing in time.

You immediately activate Steam and launch Oregon Trail. Then you write a program that keeps activating other copies of Steam and replicating itself. In microseconds, the global computer system is overloading with Steam updates and notifications and half the sessions crash.

Now you just need to deal with the intruder.

>Me: Realize you don't need to bother with this.

You are now said intruder, and you have realized that with your incredible power, you don't need the global computer system. You don't need to bother with this inconvenience.

You activate a communications node and prepare to transmit yourself and the game data. You just need a recipient.

>John: Turn on the computer.

You are now Jess Eggbeard or whatever, and your hammering rampage has been startingly unproductive.

However, despite the massive damage from your windstorm and the ensuing methane explosion, the hipster's computer is somehow unharmed, as is the entire electrical system it's connected to. You feel an urge to turn on the power bar, and the computer boots up.

>John: Touch the screen.

You feel compelled to touch the screen. You feel vaguely uncomfortable with this; you're the one who's supposed to be in charge here!

Nonetheless, you touch the monitor.

You then feel a strong electric shock, and collapse on the ground.

Everything is dark.

You are now the head of the secret organization Mr. Pooplord works for. You have just discovered that he was right about the enemy satellite siphoning off your pumpkins. Fortunately, you have just discovered it, and have sent a probe out to destroy it.

Unfortunately, Pooplord is the only agent you have with any skill in remotely operating these probes, and you haven't seen him in three weeks. So you have to do it yourself, and damn this thing's complicated. Especially with so little pumpkin power to keep the control console going.

You take the probe to the satellite and... whoops, that wasn't the "destroy the satellite" button, that was the "rocket forward" button. All you managed to do was move the satellite and point it towards Portland, Oregon.

You are now Mr. Pooplord. Thankfully, your son seems to have lost interest in the embarrassing story about the bet you lost, and is preoccupied with wondering why the planet-ship up above stopped dancing, and why his evil doppelganger just got himself shocked by a computer screen.

Suddenly, you stop exhaling fire with no explanation whatsoever. Well, that's a relief.

You are now the Pumpkinman commander. Under the orders of your master, you have guided your men to take over this cardboard flying fortress. He has also set the pumpkin-siphoning satellite to transport pumpkins directly to the fortress for conversion into new Pumpkinman warriors.

You have been engaged in combat with the planet-ship for more than a week now. But victory will soon be yours. Soon, they will learn the nutritional value of tomatoes. You are withholding fire on your master's orders, but you expect that it will soon be taken care of.

Suddenly, you hear the beep of a new pumpkin transporting in. Ah, good. A new warrior for the cause. You turn to look at your soon-to-be-underling...

Wait. That pumpkin is smashed up.

And on fire.

And this fortress is made out of cardboard.

This could be a problem.

You are now the four-legged freak. You just watched Bill Riff lose a dancing competition in about five minutes.

You are also suddenly aware that you haven't passed gas since you swallowed that entire pizza. You have discovered the cure! You immediately tell Bill Riff so that you can help your people, and definitely not so you can make a lot of currency from all the pizza they'll be buying, that most certainly was not your motivation at all.

There also seems to be some sort of problem with the global computer system, but who cares about that, your civilization doesn't seem to be destroyed, you can fix it later.

>John: Arise.

You are now John Egbert. And you are aware.

You are now one with the dead webcomic guy. You are one with the game.

You have the power to rewrite reality. You need no computer; you can recreate the universe on your own. Everything is so clear now, so obvious.

You have so much power you can barely comprehend it all. But soon you will. Soon you will be able to bend reality to your will, to crush your enemies, to make the world you wanted, to...

What's that sound, and where is that huge shadow coming from? You look up.

Oh, it's the cardboard fortress. Which is on fire and hurtling towards the earth.

Towards you.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord. You've decided that with all this crazy stuff going on, you don't care that much about your name any more. You just saw other-you get crushed by a flaming cardboard flying fortress and figure that obsessing about something is just going to lead to trouble, even if it is a big reason why you've lead a miserable and lonely life.

From today on, you will be a new Zoosmell Pooplord. A Zoosmell Pooplord who does not cower in embarrassment when others laugh at his name. A Zoosmell Pooplord who introduces himself without laughing awkwardly. A Zoosmell Pooplord who knows that it's only, what, five years before he can get his name legally changed. A Zoosmell Pooplord who has just seen his other-self burst out from under a pile of burning cardboard.

Wait. That could be a problem, couldn't it.

>John: Rise from the rubble. Claim your destiny. Create our masterpiece.

You are John Egbert. You have unlimited power.

In an instant, you transport your minions to you, and take their powers as your own.

The power of the sun.
Absolute mastery of technology.
The power of, uh, having four arms and three legs and tattoos all over.
The power of, um, being out-of-touch with today's youth.

Maybe you could have picked better minions. Well, whatever, there's still one more you can use. You take the pumpkinman commander from the wreckage of the fortress.

Yes. He has the last piece of the puzzle. You didn't form as strong a connection with him as the other minions, but that will only be a small delay.

Soon, soon you will know the last piece of information you need to unlock your full potential.

You will know the nutritional value of tomatoes. And then you will be unstoppable.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord. You have no idea what your other self is doing, but you get the feeling that if you don't stop it now, you may not get another chance.

This is it, Pooplord. This is the time to show just how different you are from him.

It's time to do the Pooplord thing.

Uh, what exactly is the Pooplord thing?