ZooStuck

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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>Stupid Jerk: Hack my computer and connect to the planet-ship.

Connect the computer to the planet-ship? What? Well, that might have helped with the plan, except you've still got these much-better armed nutcases out here, plus the guy who you'd want to link to the planet-ship is dead.

>Stupid Jerk: You still have that bad idea ray. Use it on them.

Oh, right. You can shoot bad ideas into their heads. That should give you a nice tactical advantage. You point it and...

...and the dumb thing explodes in your face. What, did someone set it to explode if anyone tried to actually do something useful with it? Well, that's out, nice going there mysterious voice in your head.

>Sun God: Drop some SICK BURNS. And by that I mean fire. From the sun.

You are now the Sun God and you feel a voice in your head compelling you to send a solar flare down at these guys. But it's going to take time to get here - your solar flares move at the speed of light, so you'll need to stall for eight minutes.

>Stupid Jerk: Hack the speed of light.

You are Stupid Jerk again, and you're just puzzled now. You may be the greatest hacker on earth, but you can't hack the laws of physics!

>Stupid Jerk: Yes you can.

Whoa, all of a sudden you think you can. You open up your laptop and in just five keystrokes, you make light move 48 times faster. In about ten seconds, a huge fireball comes hurling into the atmosphere towards the other jerks.

How the hell did you do that?

>Stupid Jerk: Now connect my computer to the planet-ship.

Yeah, okay, that'll be easy. You rush in and step over the dead guy's body to his computer, then you hack your way into the planet-ship. Now they're linked up...

>Stupid Jerk: Good work. I'll take it from here.

You have no idea what that was about.

You are now the pelvic-thrusting guy. You and Will Smith hitched a ride here on an undead pterodactyl, using your agency's extensive surveillance network to track down the stupid jerk and the sun god. You took out the guy they were beaming bad ideas into, but you still have a sun god and a stupid jerk to deal with. The stupid jerk seems to be messing with the computer, and the sun god seems to be sending a massive fireball down at you. This could be a problem.

What are you going to do about it?