ZooStuck

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

---

> ░i͏̶į͢͝i�͠i▐i⊰i̡� i•ิ

FancySantaz4eva.web

>recap~

>Large ghostly eyeball monsters The Game The Movie The Blog

Kevin's Last Stand

The Maltese Fancast

Heaven's Regard

Jumpin' Jupiter, Jazz-man!

Welcoming Her Into The Fold, We Silently Surrender Our Hopes For Tomorrow

Ah, yes, the blog's name is ░i͏̶į͢͝i�͠i▐i⊰i̡� i•ิ FancySantaz4eva.web recap~ Large ghostly eyeball monsters The Game The Movie The Blog Kevin's Last Stand The Maltese Fancast Heaven's Regard Jumpin'Jupiter, Jazz-man! Welcoming Her Into The Fold, We Silently Surrender Our Hopes For Tomorrow. With a name like that, you really have no idea what to expect.

On further investigation, the blogger seems to be some kind of hipster, and he apparently picked the name ironically and/or so it wouldn't be too mainstream. Well, that makes sense, you suppose. You decide to take a look at the latest post and...

...It seems to be some kind of conspiracy theory about the cotton candy industry. Except you aren't at all sure what the alleged conspiracy is supposed to be. You forget about whatever you were planning to do and attempt to reread this incomprehensible post several times, in hopes that you may discover the truth within.

This course of action obviously has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with someone pointing a bad idea ray at you.

You are now some guy in Edmonton. You had this dumb idea a while ago to make an adventure called ZooStuck and now you're trying to remember what the hell was going on, seriously man, what were you thinking?

>recap~

You suddenly decide to look back on your ridiculous story and try to figure out where it went wrong, besides everywhere.

RECAPLOG:

SpoilerShow

You started off with some kid who was named Zoosmell Pooplord for whatever reason. He was going to ask his dad why he got that stupid name, but his hat wanted to prevent that from happening, who knows why.

As it turned out, the hat didn't need to do much of anything, because Zoosmell got bored really easily. This was fortunate, because the hat wasn't actually able to do anything, other than being picked up by a gust of wind and blowing onto Mr. Pooplord's head. Given that the main villain seems to have powers over wind, this may not have been as coincidental as it seemed.

Regardless, Mr. Pooplord, as it turned out, was a secret agent for some organization that used pumpkins as a power source. He had been temporarily detained by the police for running over a car, which was made of cardboard. Once that matter was settled, however, he made his way to work.

In the process, he stumbled upon an enemy agent, with a medical condition that caused him to do constant pelvic thrusts. The enemy agent planted a device that would make the agency's pumpkins disappear, then received orders to set the entire world on fire. Before officially embarking on the mission, however, he headed to the hospital to find his pet - a creature unknown in this world, apparently called a "cat".

Mr. Pooplord followed the pelvic-thrusting agent to the hospital, where the strange cat was eating everything. Mr. Pooplord got into a fight with the enemy agent, which concluded with the cat being shoved down his throat after its lips were set on fire. Somehow, this lead to Mr. Pooplord constantly exhaling fire, even after he coughed up the cat.

During this time, an unknown patient stole Zoosmell's hat and ran off.

Meanwhile, Zoosmell Pooplord had already grown bored of the quest to learn his name and instead tried to draw a crocodile. It ended up looking more like a four-armed three-legged lizardman.

At that very moment, a four-armed three-legged lizardman who lived on a planet-ship was very concerned that a mysterious package he had received was actually the game prophesied to destroy his entire civilization if it were installed. As it turned out, the game was actually Oregon Trail, and the civilization-destroying game was in an entirely different package.

The lizardman began playing Oregon Trail. Somehow, his main character ended up being the patient from the hospital who had stolen Zoosmell's hat, and somehow he had gone two hundred years into the past. His name was also Will Smith all of a sudden.

Will Smith guided his party (minus the one who had died of drowning) to the Oregon Fortress, a mysterious building made of cardboard. After its defeat, the lizardman playing the game suddenly died of dysentry and was cloned with a new immunity to dysentry. However, the game continued, and Will Smith stumbled across the mysterious cat, whose name was revealed as E.T. "Dark Vader" Phonehome. The cat wanted his hat for reasons related to its insatiable hunger, but a gust of wind blew the hat away.

In a creepy flashback, Dark Vader revealed that it and Will Smith had once lived in a mysterious celestial restaurant, but they were forced to flee when a large number of pumpkinmen came in and complained about the service. But outside of the restaurant, Dark Vader was unable to control its hunger, and it believed the hat could lead it to a solution.

Meanwhile, on the planet-ship it was discovered that the immunity to dysentry had come with a side effect: the entire population was now passing gas. The game-player got in line for a space helmet to cover his ears and block the smell.

At that time, Zoosmell Pooplord received his own copy of Oregon Trail, having been badgered by his not-quite-friend Stupid Jerk into entering the beta. He then tried to smash, eat, and hide the package, wear it as a hat, and install it in his computer without unwrapping it. Somehow, the last attempt worked and he was playing the game as Bill Riff, the four-armed three-legged lizardman who was still waiting in line for a space helmet.

However, Zoosmell soon got bored with the game and threw his computer out the window. This somehow messed with the functions of the planet-ship and caused it to immediately prepare its package scanners.

Bill Riff, now freed of Zoosmell's direct control, rushed home after securing his place in line and sought to throw the disastrous package out the airlock, only to discover a line there as well. Evidently he wasn't the only one to receive such a package.

It soon became apparent, however, that the airlock was not a viable solution. As the evident demise of his civilization drew near, Bill Riff decided to get back in line for a space helmet.

Meanwhile, at an exclusive demonstration of the newly-programmed Oregon Trail, Lady Hopkins (who was actually casino owner Urts Quavavar) was scheming to get the deed to a small farmhouse from Lord Huffington, inhabited by his elderly aunt. In the course of this scheme, they ended up playing the new game, all the while unaware that the MC had been kidnapped and replaced by the pelvic-thrusting agent.

Over the course of the party, the agent tried to use the game machine to set the world on fire somehow, but was ambushed by Mr. Pooplord. In the process, the game was somehow programmed to freeze the area around it instead.

Despite the damage to the machine, Lord Huffington and Lady Hopkins continued playing, and their characters were riding on buffalo towards Oregon. But at that very moment, Dark Vader had somehow made his way to Sun Paris and was eating the Sun Eiffel Tower.

After a brief interlude into Sun French Politics, it was revealed that somebody was remotely beaming bad ideas into Sun Lance Armstrong's head from the moon. The moon-person suddenly realized that they didn't actually have a good reason for doing this, and after accidentally inspiring you to create this terrible adventure, instead moved the beam so it would hit space because it couldn't actually be shut off.

As it turned out, the moon-person was actually beaming the bad ideas onto the planet-ship, where undercover sun nuns were trying to get the game installed. One of the sun nuns - actually Stupid Jerk's character in Oregon Trail - was trying to order a pizza in order to prove it wasn't better than sun pizza. Her attempts to do so, however, soon landed her in jail, despite the best efforts of the prosecutor, who was also an undercover sun nun.

Not long after, Zoosmell got bored enough to give Oregon Trail another try, this time with advice from Stupid Jerk. However, Bill Riff tried to talk back, and was dragged off to the insane asylum. Not long after, Stupid Jerk guided his sun nun out of the prison; along the way, she came across a four-armed three-legged lizardman covered in tattoos who advised her on how to escape.

As she left to meet with Bill Riff, the planet-ship's global computer system decided to start several sessions in Oregon Trail, one of which involved you and another of which involved Zoosmell Pooplord. The most immediately relevant one, however, concerned Jeff Winger, an undead pterodactyl who was both a dentist and a lawyer.

Jeff Winger soon turned out to be merely a dead pterodactyl when the gigantic gun he was in fired. He was sent to be judged for where his soul would rest in the afterlife, but fled to Oregon in order to win the game first.

Meanwhile, in Portland, Oregon, a dead hipster decided to post something on his blog and spent three weeks working on it. During that time, many important plot threads advanced, and most of the major characters had gathered on the dead hipster's lawn.

In that time, Zoosmell Pooplord had learned that Stupid Jerk, Lord Huffington's elderly aunt, the tattooed lizardman, and the Sun God had all been working for someone wanted the dead hipster to make a blog post for nefarious purposes. Their mysterious benefactor turned out to be John Egbert, who was furious that Zoosmell had taken his place in the universe and was involved in a really stupid adventure.

After Zoosmell mucked around doing stupid stuff like trying to bake a cake while Egbert explained his excessively complex plan in detail, the blog post went up and some guy decided to read it multiple times because there was a bad idea ray pointed at him. This is a critical element in Egbert's plan.

Then for some reason you decided to recap the whole stupid thing, and now here you are, wondering why you wrote all that.

Well, you've taken the adventure this far, might as well wrap it up. So what happens next?