ZooStuck

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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> Continue dancing.

Well, there's no music since Jerkface knocked the boombox out the window, but you can still dance anyways. You keep dancing as he keeps babbling.

"...and this game has the power to rewrite the universe. But in all the universe, only one computer exists with the processing power to run it, and that computer is on the planet-ship flying overhead. Of course, merely running the game would have unpredictable results, which is why I needed an agent on the planet-ship itself to ensure the session ran smoothly..."

Wow, he just won't shut up. You should try something else.

Pull down his pants. Embarrass him in front of his minions.

That's... kind of awkward. I mean, he's essentially you, it would be like pulling down your own pants. You aren't all that comfortable with the idea...

...oh, and your pants just fell down. Luckily, nobody seems to have noticed because this guy's still babbling about his plan, so you have time to pull them back up.

"...and I also needed a delivery mechanism to bring the game over there. This was why I contacted the Sun God, as he has the means to transport agents across vast reaches of space. It was simple enough to secure his cooperation; I merely explained that the new universe would grant him a far larger sun."

"A green one! As big as the universe! No, bigger!"

"...yes, there were some details to negotiate. Unfortunately, it seems his Sun Nuns failed to install the game, and have instead brought all the copies here, abandoning their mission for the sake of a dance party. Disappointing. I'll have to grab a copy and install it myself; fortunately, the ship is close by."

There, you've got your pants back on. Now you need to think of what to do while this guy keeps babbling.

> ...Get your hammer.

You don't have a hammer! But it might be useful to have a weapon of some kind. You try to think about what sort of weapon you might be able to actually use. Meanwhile, your other self keeps babbling.

"....however, two clandestine organizations on Earth had the resources to stop the plan if they caught wind of it in time; these two gentlemen are representatives of those agencies. I needed to get them out of the way..."

Knives, no way, you'd probably cut yourself on those. In fact, anything sharp is probably a bad idea, no swords or axes or chainsaws... oh, hey, that pelvic-thrusting guy is yelling at whatshisface.

"Wait, you set me up?"

"Your entire agency, yes. My hacker inserted two directives into their files. One, to disable your rival agency by eliminating the pumpkins they relied on for power. Two, some large-scale, useless task to distract the agents, I left the details to him."

"Yeah, I went with setting the world on fire."

"...Perhaps I shouldn't have left the details to you after all. Regardless..."

So nothing sharp, what about clubs... no, you'd probably hit yourself on the head. So that rules out hard objects too... hey, now your dad's yelling at him.

"You made our pumpkins disappear?"

"Not disappear, precisely. The device actually transported them to my laboratory, where I converted them into an army of Pumpkinmen. I used them to take over the celestial restaurant, which exists outside of normal time and space..."

What about a gun... no, even dumber, you wouldn't know the first thing about using it properly, why would you even think about that?

Man, this is dumb. What can you wield as a weapon that's not hard or sharp or too dangerous for someone like you to carry around?

Bake a cake

Suddenly, you're struck by a terrifying thought.

You never got a birthday cake!

And everyone here is too busy listening to the bad guy blab on and on to make you a cake. You'll just have to do it yourself, you guess.

Not that you know anything about baking, but hey, how hard can it be? You head off to the kitchen and oh man you can still hear him babbling ugh time to look through the cookbooks.

"...and with the restaurant under my control, I was able to prepare for the arrival of the cardboard fortress. I knew very little about it, even with my genius and resources. But now, it is under the control of my pumpkinmen, and it is keeping the planet-ship occupied. If all had gone as planned, the chaos of the battle would allow the sun nuns and my agent on the planet-ship to manipulate the outcome of the game, but it seems none of them were able to install the game, or for that matter even stay on the planet-ship..."

Wow, this hipster's recipe books suck. None of them even mention cakes at all, or for that matter, any kind of food you've ever heard of.

How are you going to make a cake under these circumstances?