ZooStuck

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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If staying hidden outweighs leaving this to them, wouldn't it mean that it'd better to stay behind? : p

Perhaps it would if you had an inferior intellectual understanding of the word "outweigh". But your mind does not constrain itself to such limited definitions, unless it is necessary to explain the concept to an underling.

Regardless, you have the perfect name. It took you mere moments to devise.

You fly towards Portland, as swift as the wind. You arrive with a whole two minutes before the solar flares reach the atmosphere. Plenty of time.

You haven't been eager to use your powers, but there is little choice now. If you don't act quickly, everything you've worked for will be destroyed.

You raise a hand, and the solar flares are sent back towards the sun with intense force. That idiot sun god will just have to deal with his own mess now.

You float towards the hipster's house. Along the way, you see him leaving Powell's through a window nobody ever uses, and you decide to bring him along with you. With a wave of your arm, he's dragged into the street, along with a Powell's clerk who apparently helped him to the window.

The hipster's a little freaked out, but that's not your concern. You just need him to make this post, and then you have no further business with him.

You also send out an alert to your underlings to all meet at the house. Incompetent as they are, you might need them as a distraction.

You soon arrive at the hipster's house. The lizardman arrives wielding an axe and accompanied by an irritated firefighter. The old woman arrives, and soon after the Sun God flies in with your hacker. You note with some amusement the recent burns on the Sun God's forehead.

In addition, the mayor of Portland and some random homeowner arrive, being pursued by the Portland police department and an army of strange subterranean creatures.

Good. Backup plan 14D is proceeding as expected. You should have no trouble. Your lizard minion bashes down the door; unnecessary, as you could deal with it yourself, but you appreciate an underling with initative.

You lower yourself to the ground, and order the lizardman to grab the hipster. Your plan will soon succeed. You just need to take care of a few minor details.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord again. You are at a sweet dance party with your dad and a bunch of strangers. You remember there was something you were going to do, but it was probably boring so who cares.

Suddenly, a mysterious figure with his face obscured by a hood walks in, accompanied by a stupid jerk, an old lady, the Sun God, and a four-armed three-legged lizardman carrying a hipster.

"All of you, stop dancing at once."

Nobody does. Then he waves a hand and the boom box gets flung out a window.

"I told you, stop dancing at once. Get out of my way, and you will not be harmed."

Oh right, this is the bad guy. You were going to stop him, you guess.

Oh, and he's suddenly looking directly at you.

"With the exception of the Pooplord boy. He will be destroyed regardless."

You tell him that's dumb, you're just some kid with a stupid name. And sure, you stumbled onto his evil plans, but stopping them was way too much work. Why does he want to kill you?

"Why do I want to see you destroyed? An excellent question, young Pooplord. Allow me to answer that."

The unknown mastermind laughs wickedly as he removes his mysterious hood.

SHOCKING REVELATION WITHIN!!!!

SpoilerShow

"Because your very existence stands in the way of my destiny!"

You tell him you don't really understand that. He sighs.

"I suppose I should begin by introducing myself properly."

Steve.
Hideo Kojima.
Riiiiiiiiiiiidge the Racer

"I am... STEVE HIDEO KOJIMA RIIIIIIIIIIIIDGE THE RACER."

He pauses.

"Wait, no. That's a terrible name now that I say it out loud. Let me try that again..."

> John Egbert

"I am JOHN EGBERT. And you, Zoosmell Pooplord stole my rightful place in this world."

You're still confused.

"Do I have to spell it out, Pooplord? I AM YOU. Or rather, I would be you if not for your stupid name! I would be at the center of a grand story about the creation of new universes! Not a story where everyone plays Oregon Trail for some reason!"

Oh, great, looks like he's launching into the full villainous monologue now. He's probably going to explain his needlessly complicated plan in great detail now. Man, that's going to be so boring.

So what are you going to do while you wait for him to finish?