ZooStuck

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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>Fry some idiots.

You tried that. Several thousand times. You could fry a few more idiots, but it won't really do anything about the underlying boredom.

See, look, you're going to toss a few solar flares over to earth. One at some idiots piloting a giant cardboard fortress, another at some idiots holding each other hostage in a police station in Portland. And, yep, still bored. Granted, it's going to take about eight minutes for your divine flames to reach Earth, so you haven't actually gotten to hear the screams of the idiots as they burn, but man, it's not like their screams are going to be that different from the thousands you've heard before.

You are now the mysterious evil mastermind behind the whole scheme, and you've come to realize how incompetent your henchmen are. First off, the old woman lost track of the hipster. Then there's your hacker, who's too lazy to hack the hipster's computer. Meanwhile, your agent on the planet-ship has left it before you had a chance to destroy their civilization and is just running around Portland for some reason. And the sun god can't keep his nuns on task... and oh, look, he just flung solar flares at the cardboard fortress and the Portland police station. Both locations play a key role in your needlessly complicated master plan.

You immediately calculate that the downsides of prematurely revealing your existence outweigh the consequences of leaving these idiots to keep screwing everything up. You'll just have to head to Portland yourself to resolve these issues.

Obviously, with your superior intellect you have already calculated precisely what needs to be done, and so you are not in need of any suggestions in that regard. It would be meaningless to solicit them, as any suggestion would be inferior to your existing plan.

You are, however, in need of a name. You've managed all this time without one, since you just had to be mysterious when contacting your underlings, but that is a luxury you can no longer afford. Your contingency plan requires you to introduce yourself, after all.

What will your name be?