ZooStuck

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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>Hack the afterlife's computers for contact info, preferably something quick, like a phone number.

Why would you do that? You already hacked the afterlife's computers to make sure he'd end up in Portland. You even hacked the address into there. You already know all his contact info, you set half of it up.

>Do you live anywhere near portland? If so, infiltration might be an option...

Oh, you live near Portland, all right. In fact, you live real close, because you're in Portland.

Portland, Maine, that is. Unless you find some kind of machine that can teleport you from one town to another with the same name, though, that doesn't help you much.

Oh, but maybe one of the bosses' other minions is there. You check your phone for their locations... hmm, Sun God is on the sun, no surprise there. The old lady is in Portland, but you already know she can't handle this job.

Oh, but what's this? Lizardguy's planet-ship is over Portland, Oregon. Maybe you can get this taken care of after all. You contact the tattooed lizardman and ask him to find a way to ground level and start checking the hipster's house. Maybe he's already written enough of the post; it's been three weeks, after all.

You are now a four-armed, three-legged lizardman covered in tattoos. You work for some unknown nefarious entity, and one of your associates just called with some instructions for you.

You still need to find a way destroy your civilization with that strange game, but it can wait. This is a critical part of the plan that you don't understand, after all. You've made it to the surface of this Port-Land and have already found the homedwelling of the hipster-beast. There seems to be quite a lot of noise, but this does not concern you. You only need to find a way in; the door is not automatically opening the way dwelling-doors on your planet-ship do. This world's global computer system must be malfunctioning.

So you need to find another way in, but what?

> Just hack into his house.
> With an axe.

Ah, yes, the perfect plan. All you need is an axe.

But where are you going to find one?