ZooStuck

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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You danced the Thriller dance, Gangnam Style

Thriller Dance? Gangnam Style? You had no idea what these crazy ideas that popped into your head were. Where did these nonsense thoughts even come from?

It was disconcerting, but more than that it was unhelpful. You tried to think of a better plan.

you turned into a magical girl

Suddenly, a strange light enveloped you! You wear wearing a dress and holding a giant sparkly spatula for some reason. And you were ready to fight for love and justice and friendship and a bunch of other things!

It freaked you out, less because of the dress than the fact that you had no idea what was going on. Or rather, even less idea than usual.

You got into a long argument about how to pronounce 'tomato'.

But what happened after was even stranger. You launched into some kind of weird talk about whether a tomato should be classified as a fruit or vegetable, and then that got derailed when the pumpkinmen started arguing about how to pronounce "tomato".

Somewhere in there, you regained enough sense to grab your pet - something suddenly told you it was a "cat" - and run away while the pumpkinmen weren't as immediately aggressive.

What you hadn't realized until then was that the restaurant was actually in Heaven or something. Or maybe it was Heaven? You don't know much about that metaphysical stuff, all you know is that the next minute, you were falling out of the sky towards the ground, and when you came to in the Freaks of Nature ward , there was no sign of your cat or your hat.

It was... days later? Weeks? You had no idea, really. You just knew it had been a long time.

Your cat came in, informing you his name was Phone and that he needed your hat or he would devour everything uncontrollably. You weren't sure if he was actually telling you this or you were hallucinating because of all the drugs. You started to suspect the latter when he started eating a cardboard car in the next bed, so you decided to just take a nap.

Then you saw him. That idiot with your hat. He was knocked out, and your hat was on his head. You retrieved it, not sure if you were going to give it to Phone or just keep it because it was your hat, and then suddenly you were here.

Thank goodness, the creepy flashback is over. It didn't actually explain how your catdadsister got so hungry, though.

IT WAS BECAUSE YOU REMOVED ME FROM THE CELESTIAL RESTAURANT

THERE I COULD HAVE HAD ONE MEAL AND SATISFIED MY DESIRE

BUT THIS WORLD CANNOT SATIATE MY ENDLESS HUNGER

THE HAT IS OF THE RESTAURANT, IT MAY BE ABLE TO GUIDE ME BACK THERE

FAILING THAT IT SHOULD SATISFY ME TO EAT IT

HONESTLY I WOULD RATHER HAVE A CHEESEBURGER BUT THAT IS UNIMPORTANT

NOW GO AND RETRIEVE THAT HAT

Great, guess you'd better do what he/she/it/they said.

You are now a cloned four-armed, three-legged lizardperson. Your former incarnation died of dysentery somehow, luckily the global computer system analyzed the disease and immunized everyone.

Less fortunately, the immunization process had the side effect of making everyone pass gas. Lots of it. And now it really stinks in here.

Worse, "in here" is the entire planet because it's actually a spaceship. So it's not like you can just go outside for some fresh air.

What are you going to do?