ZooStuck

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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Throw oxen at it.

In a burst of inspiration that demonstrates how you managed to get this far in the game, you throw your oxen at the fortress. You now have no oxen and your party has severe back pain from trying to lift two oxen. Nice going.

> Fortess: Die of Dysentery.

..No, I didn't mean the people inside...

On the bright side, those oxen had dystentery, and now the fortress has caught it. It begins rotting and its cardboard walls start peeling away or whatever happens when a giant, inexplicably high-tech cardboard fortress dies of dysentery, you don't know how this crazy sci-fi game works.

Anyways, you've now won! Right? So why aren't you getting the victory screen?

die of dysentery

In an IRONIC TWIST OF FATE, you suddenly die of dysentery.

Fortunately, the global computer system scans your corpse and recreates you as a clone, with all your memories but without the vulnerability to dysentery. It then disintegrates your corpse right in front of you. This is not traumatizing in the slightest.

But the game's still running. The Oregon Fortres has been taken down, but your party is just standing there staring at the wreckage. What is this, some kind of extended cutscene? Man, this is lame. Your character whose name you entered on a whim and already forgot can totally do more awesome things than this.

You are now Will Smith. Unbeknownst to you, you are actually the main character in some lizard-alien's game of Oregon Trail. Unbeknownst to both you and said alien, this game is actually taking place on Earth roughly two hundred years in the past.

What you do know is that you most definitely were not Will Smith a day ago, though admittedly he's more badass than you were. You're also pretty sure you didn't have a brother, and if you did he totally wasn't as whiny as that guy who drowned himself in the river when those robots attacked.

You have dim memories of being in a hospital and running off with some idiot's hat, which you are now wearing under your much more badass renegade bounty hunter hat, but you can't remember why. Well, you remember a reason, but you don't remember what it means.

You think you were supposed to give the hat to some guy who called himself Phone, but you can't remember why. In fact, you're struggling to remember what connection you had to this Phone. You feel like it's important.

But what is it? Just who was Phone?