Nopor Puss Advice Column

DEAR NOPOR PUSS

HOW DO YOU SPELL NOPOR PUSS

SINCERELY, THE CAPS LOCK GUY

Scholtenheim Reinbach III.

Dear Nopor Puss,

Um.

Yours,

Ooh! Thanks! I've always wanted one of these! So I'll throw it out now.

Dear Nopor Puss,

I am a talking wallaby sinking into a quicksand pit. I don't think it's particuarly worth attempting to shout for help. How should I spend my last moments in life?

- A talking wallaby sinking into a quicksand pit.

Say "That's silly!" I don't see any reason to do this, after all.

Dear Nopor Puss,

I am a forum adventure author/main character, and I keep finding myself thrust into a variety of unpleasant and highly, highly painful situations. I was just wondering, from one adventure protagonist to another, how one goes about avoiding things like, say, being dropped out of the sky by an eagle and crashing into a swimming pool at terminal velocity. Or if I can't avoid such situations, how can I go about mitigating the damage to my precious, precious skeleton?

-Bruised and Battered in Eagle Town

What you should do is get some specialty armor made. I recommend having very sharp metal spikes put on the inside. And make it out of cardboard so it doesn't protect from much of anything.