The Abrupt Demise

The Killer laughed wildly at the seven beings he had gathered. He'd considered grabbing more, but the prospect of their imminent death had tempted him too greatly to delay it any longer.

"Welcome, friends!" he cackled. "What's about to happen is very simple. You're all going to die."

He laughed for about fifteen minutes at the prospect, before finally regaining what passed for his composure.

"Well! Before we get to that, let's have some introductions, shall we? After all, these are the last moments of your life. You may as well get to know each other a bit in the little time you've got left!"

The Killer lunged towards a black-haired pirate, and violently pulled him to the front.

"This is Cornelius Blackheart, the Scourge of the Seven Seas! Or so he says, at any rate. He's a pirate worked with asbestos for a while. I think that covers the relevant details."

The Killer flung Cornelius aside unceremoniously, then grabbed a man with long red hair wearing padded clothing.

"This is Roger V. Nitroglycerine! He was injected with an experimental drug that improved his speed and reaction time, but it also makes him highly volatile. Throw him around too much and he explodes." The Killer started shaking him and laughed. "Not to worry, I've turned that off for a moment; don't want you dying before the main event, after all!"

The Killer flung a terrified Roger to the floor, then seized a cloaked man with a brown face.

"This here is Ricky. He's actually made of clay... magic clay, that is. It's pretty explosive. Yeah, he's another living bomb, so what? I like explosion!"

The Killer cackled with glee as he dropped Ricky on top of Roger, then pulled to the front a poetically woman dressed in Victorian clothing.

"This is Dramatis Persona. She's an elemental spirit of melodrama, or something like that. Lovely, isn't she? Yeah, she'll play that up. And then she'll die!"

The Killer resumed his laughing as he shoved the spirit aside, and grabbed the next competitor: some weird thing that looked like a mix of a hippo and a centaur.

"This is Stoppford Stroppfordshire. Ya see his eyes? They turn golden when he senses stupidity, which he always does because he's dumber than bricks. He also has a rainbow tail full of hippo dust, whatever that is, and some other weird junk, like a Thyme Balm. Anyways, he's going to die, just like the rest of you."

Laughing louder than ever, the Killer threw the Hippotaur aside and seized his next combatant-slash-victim: a four-legged, two-armed creature without a head.

"Here we have Ricky Ricardo, the #1 Dancer of the planet Quixil - as you can see by the sash he's wearing. He's the best dancer ever, and, well, that's it. I doubt it will save him from the horrible fate that awaits you all."

Once again, the Killer began cackling, and flung Ricky across the room, then pulled a closed cardboard box over to the front.

"And last, and also least, we have the UVM. It's a cardboard box, you can't open it, it was developed in a secret lab by scientists for unknown reasons, and you're not allowed to know anything else."

The Killer dropped the UVM on the floor, then snapped his fingers. Everyone found themselves standing in front of a brick wall; several armed men were standing in front of them.

"And now here's where you're going to die! This firing squad loves to shoot things, and guess what? You're all things! Of course, if you manage to escape that, there's lots more that can kill you all! I'd say good luck, but you'll all die in the end anyhow."

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SpoilerGuess what, everyone. You Are About 10 Seconds Away From Execution By Firing Squad!

As those of you who are familiar with the adventure know, this place is full of completely ridiculous and physically (and sometimes logically) impossible ways to die, so even if you deal with the firing squad itself, there's still lots of other ridiculous options for your deaths! Be creative, and have fun!