Consistency

Yes, that's the perfect way to begin your letter. "To the space consortium". It's exactly the right balance between familiarity and formality.

For just a moment you wonder if your parents will understand why you're calling them the space consortium, but really, the metaphor is self-explanatory. You write that down, sign the letter, and put it in the envelope.

But wait. You don't have any stamps! And you can't possibly get to the post office in time. How are you going to get this to your parents before they disavow your inheritance?

Fremp

That's right, your social insurance number is Fremp. You don't know how you could have forgotten that. You put it down on the form and fill out the rest, then put it in the envelope. Time to mail it off.

But wait. You don't have any stamps! And you don't have the proper forms to request more from the post office. How are you going to get this to the IRS before they audit you?

we have to go back

Yes, it's best that you leave your message simple. Anything too complex might draw attention from the mail-readers. You'll just inform Back that you have to go, and hope that other agents will be able to clarify the location. You put the message in the envelope. Time to send it.

But wait. You don't have any stamps! And you blew up the nearest post office in last week's operation. How are you going to get the message to Back before your pursuers close in?

Wow, that was surprisingly coherent.

Ah, yes. Here's an excellent way to get letters for your ransom demands - you'll print off this post on a message board and cut the letters out of that. There, that contains just the letters you need to finish your message.

But wait. You don't have any stamps! And there's still that wanted poster of you hanging in the post office. How are you going to get your demands to the legal guardian before anyone notices their charge is missing?

Team Rocket's rocket

Yes! That's the perfect drawing for the Pokemon fanart contest. You draw Team Rocket riding a rocket with the caption "TEAM ROCKET'S BLASTING OFF AGAIN!" You're sure to win that free Mew with this!

But wait. You don't have any stamps. And Mom won't let you go to the post office by yourself. How are you going to get this to Nintendo before the contest deadline?

I should probably get out of bed and eat, but.... eeeeehh...........

Yes, that's the perfect inaugural message for your brilliant new messenging service where you send out letters of 140 characters or less to thousands of strangers. What better way for them to get to know you than to see them at your most vulnerable? You promptly write the message out 5000 times, stuff it into 5000 envelopes, and address them to 5000 people chosen at random from various phone books.

But wait! You don't have any stamps. And the post office only lets you buy 10 sheets at a time now. Now how are you going to get your message out to everyone and start raking in the profit before the debt collection agency comes knocking on the door again?

why should the government decide whether i can sell crack to children? I think we should let the parents decide whether or not this crack is of good enough quality to their kids.

--Complainant to consumer protection bureau

Yes, you have the perfect letter to the relationship advice columnist. When she answers this letter, you're sure to find the way to save your marriage. Of course, your wife wouldn't understand if she found out, but you're sure you can handle keeping this under wraps.

But wait! You don't have any stamps. And your wife just got that new job at the post office! How are you going to send your important relationship-salvaging letter before she finds out about your problem?

Fuck this, fuck you, and fuck everyone.

Yes, that's the best way to close your first letter to your pen pal. They'll think it's hilarious! You write up that postscript and put the letter in the envelope.

But wait! Your house is going to collapse any minute now from this enormous pile of stamps. And the post office just sends your letters back if you put too many stamps on them. So how can you use up more stamps on this one letter?