Order and Chaos

shplilocotae

"Shplilocotae!" I shouted. I hadn't been able to come up with a better idea than just trying to confuse everybody.

"What the hell does that mean?" everyone asked at once like some sort of sci-fi hivemind, but I was already running away.

I had run for a whole ten minutes when I remembered that my initial plan hadn't been to evade the law or chase after the murderer, but to surrender as a last, desperate hope to facilitate peace. And running away didn't really help with that.

Fortunately, nobody had noticed, as they were all blind and still trying to figure out what the hell shplilocotae meant. Unfortunately, they were still so confused that they didn't hear my desperate explanation, apology, and surrender to the authorities.

So I had to come up with an explanation for what the nonsense word I had spouted meant.

With a sawed-off shotgun and a box of nails.

"It means with a sawed-off shotgun and a box of nails," I offered desperately. I was starting to think that I wasn't very good at thinking of things to say.

"That's how you murdered her?" the crowd asked. "It sounded more like a regular gunshot. And where do the nails fit in?"

"Um. I didn't actually murder her, but I'm turning myself in anyways as a show of good faith to the ambassador."

"Well, okay, if you say so," the befuddled crowd replied, "but we still don't understand the nails."

At any rate, I was thrown in jail, the ambassador was contacted and the negotiations went rather smoothly under the circumstances. There would be no war, and they were even fine with allowing me to be released on the basis of insufficient evidence - provided I did their nation a favor.

Or rather, several complicated favors that involved a good deal of traveling around the countryside on various unrelated quests, though they expected some parts of the searches to overlap.

But just as the treaty was about to be signed, the ambassador brought up one last condition.


He wanted some objects held by the gladiators in the Great Colloseum two kingdoms over. I wouldn't have to fight if I was clever about it, he told me.

Of course, I was starting to feel like I wasn't all that clever. Nonetheless, due to the centrality of these quests to a successful peace settlement, I had to be consulted, and so they asked what I thought about this final stipulation.

Approach it emotionally. Don't be afraid to cry, that's how the truth comes out!

And I broke down into tears. I was fairly sure that my father had been killed by a gladiator. A powerful gladiator who I certainly didn't find attractive in any way who had then taken my mother as his prize only to give birth to...

I started to feel like I was getting sidetracked. I couldn't keep my head about it. I decided to just leave it up to fate, and so I asked for a coin to flip in order to settle it.

The ambassador handed me a ball.

You can't use a ball like a coin! Balls don't have two sides, silly!!!

"This isn't a coin!" I protested.

"It is in our nation. And in yours soon, for adopting the Bearing is a condition of the treaty."

"But you can't flip a ball! How is anyone going to decide anything?"

"This is how we decide things back at home. We throw the ball, and if it comes down red, we do what the Emperor says. If it comes down any other color, we do not."

The ball was, of course, red on every inch of its surface. This explained quite a lot about our negotiating partner.

This isn't even the first time this has happened

Suddenly, I was struck by a realization.

Up until I said "Shplilocotae", this whole event had played out identically to that stupid dream that I had read about while sneaking a peek into Mary's stupid dream journal.

Since there was no way something that stupid could happen in real life, it was only logical to conclude that I was dreaming. Although I couldn't imagine why I would bother to dream Mary's stupid dream, of all things.

Regardless, if I was really dreaming, then the consequences for this kingdom of the blind didn't matter. I could respond to the ambassador any way I wanted. Even in ways that didn't make sense.

Turn the battles and adventures into playing cards, and use them like a tarot deck

So I pulled out a deck of cards. It consisted of the quests the ambassador wanted me to go on, and for some reason it also listed several of the battles scheduled at that colloseum.

Once again, acting on impulse hadn't done much for me, because I didn't know what I wanted to accomplish. So, as I had been doing for this entire dream, I followed up on it by acting on impulse again and doing... some kind of tarot reading.

"See, there's a problem with that," I said, putting down Cedric the Bearded versus the Knight of Green Stone next to A Confrontation With The Inner Self and The Search for Clean Water. (What was with these quests, anyhow?) "According to this, if you send me on these missions you intend, you'll meet with ill fortune."

Somehow, he was convinced, or at least the look on his face suggested it.

"You're right. You're right! I can't believe I nearly doomed both our nations like that. Tell me, Sir Milton, what must I do instead?"

I had him right where I wanted him.


So naturally I messed things up by suggesting the first thing that came into my mind.

"You should buy a sweet computer," I said. "Made out of candy."

He looked at me, confused.

"And where might I buy such a thing?"

I'd messed up again, but this time luck was on my side.

bickerpops, ahoy!

"Bickerpops, ahoy!" someone suggested. "His candy may be disagreeable, but he can construct anything from it!"

And so the ambassador bought a computer, whatever that was, made entirely out of candy from Old Bickerpops the candy merchant.

He thanked me, signed the treaty, and turned the computer on.

Suddenly, the world around us changed. Everything was candy. Everyone disappeared except the ambassador and myself, and we were clad in chocolate armor and wielding candy cane lances.

"Now we can settle this properly, knave," he said. "I thought I could assure war by killing your Princess and framing you, but you had to go and surrender. Then I thought I could negotiate a ludicrously favorable treaty, but then you showed me that reading. But now! Now, I can simply destroy you, and that should ensure that nobody in this kingdom can stop us, since they won't actually be able to see us violating the treaty."

This made far more sense than it should have, considering we were armed with candy and somehow inside a machine that I had no understanding of.

So I did the one thing I could do.

best.

I bested him in combat. It was my dream, after all, so my combat skills were unmatched.

Also, he hadn't realized that the computer thing had broadcasted his confession over its speakers, even though they were just lollipops. So everyone knew he was guilty and I was innocent. We negotiated a new treaty with the Empire that was satisfactory to all parties, and I was hailed as a hero. Just like I deserved to be.

Then I woke up and vomited on a mermaid.