A Perfect Crime (TWS)

I started with an old standby.

"Hey, what's that over there?"

I pointed at a corner of the room, and all the goons turned to look. That wasn't going to buy me enough time on its own, though.

So I tapped the nearest goon on the shoulder and said "No backsies." Given his build and occupation, he probably hadn't been approved for adulthood yet and was still subject to play laws.

That got one off my back, but there were five more and they were going to protect themselves better. I kept behind the one I'd tagged to slow them down, but I needed another trick.

It was time for the old pineapple.

"Nobody try anything, or I pull the pin," I said, taking the pineapple out of my back pocket. I hoped the lighting was low enough that it passed for a grenade. "I'm here for a talk with the boss, so just let me through and nobody has to get hurt."

There was an awkward pause, and then one of them threw a punch. In desperation, I shoved the pineapple into his face.

"Will all of you cut that out?" the Crone shouted, tapping her cane angrily. "I don't know who this idiot is, but I thought I told you all that standard procedure is to listen to what the idiot has to say before pounding him. Not that I have high expectations, but it's important to follow protocol."

She was reminding me of the kid right then. Still, this was what I'd come for. Maybe I hadn't made the best first impression, but I still had a chance.

Of course, if what I pitched at her didn't catch her interest, there were still some goons ready to pound me. So I had to think carefully about just what I was going to ask.