Zoostuck 3

become a super spy

You contemplate using your distinct position as an impossible puzzle being worked on by a sentient plot map for the purposes of espionage, but the problem with that is, you don't have the slightest idea who you would report to. Or, for that matter, who you're gathering information from.

You could, hypothetically, tell someone about the contents of this plot map, except that you have no real way to communicate. And you also can't see any way that granting such metaknowledge to a participant in the story wouldn't be a complete disaster. Although to be fair, you don't have enough of a sense of your motivations to work out if you care about whether the results are disastrous.

if they can't solve you, maybe you can solve them...

You decide that, since you're stuck with this intelligent plot map and can't communicate with anyone else, you might as well try to figure out what it says and see if you can predict where it's going. Not that this benefits you in any way, but it's not like you have any idea what you could do to benefit yourself anyhow.

Although to be frank, the map is a complete mess. It probably would have evolved into a singularity of complexity if not for the fact that Edgebert designed the universe in such a way that those can never come into existence.

Wait a minute. You see something, and it looks bad. It can't possibly be true.


It is. And now you're stuck knowing it, and completely unable to impart your knowledge to anyone, even to an omniscient narrator.

You're pretty sure you liked this plot better when it didn't make any sense to you.

You are now the Buttcycle.

You de-merged with the Delorean a while back when the narrative focus was off you, in order to keep your great power out of the hands of John Egbert and the webcomic artist he works for. This is definitely not a clumsy retcon to cover up a just-noticed continuity error.

Speaking of things that are definitely not continuity errors, you have to do something about that barber who just escaped his cell, because he's dead and hasn't realized that his body is being reanimated by the boogeyman possessing it. He is also the only person left in this prison, other than one single guard who developed an unhealthy obsession with working out this plot and hasn't noticed that the other guards have been brought to tears by the power of the Solaris, or that most of the prisoners escaped from here, despite documenting both facts in his plot map.

So what's your next move?