Zoostuck 3

Claim baseball is the new football.

True, with your total monopoly over the industry you could do this and no one would object. You could even pretend the series was always like that, since you set the old games to self-destruct once the new ones are released.

You might have to make some massive bribes to the National Football League and baseball associations to pull it off, but it's not like you can't afford that. You start on the phone calls and paperwork immediately.

> Realize there are too many Johns.

As you start attempting to alter established facts with your massive fortune, it occurs to you that far too many people are named John, and you, with your massive fortune, can afford to be the only one.

Unfortunately, it soon becomes clear that this important task is going to stretch your bribe budget to the limit. Fortunately, you know how to save on money: make a deal with the Devil. All he asks for are souls, and you have plenty from the gamers willing to give you theirs for 10% off on the next game.

He soon shows up with a baby and a lollipop. Wow, you hadn't even finished dialing his number. (It takes a lot of time to hit 6 666 times.) You explain what you want him to do and get a soul out.

He tells you sure, and for an extra dollar he'll throw in this baby and lollipop. You can't imagine why you'd want either, but you figure it's worth throwing him a bone to continue such a synergystic business relationship.

Satan takes the soul and dollar bill, hands you the baby and lollipop, and with a wave of his hands, he steals the name of every other John in the world.

He pauses a moment, and asks what you want their names changed to.

You shrug, and say something dumb, like Zoosmell.

You are now Zoosmell Egbert and you are very, very angry about this fact. How are you going to vent your frustrations?