Important Business Meeting- MANDATORY!!

No horsing around. No bullshit. It is time to get down to business.

Someone down the line made the mistake of tossing out our Smart Phones in favor of blowing nearly two fucking million dollars on carrier pigeons.

You know, our entire budget.

As most of you should already know, there is no viable way to market these pigeons to #GenMobile. It's time to think outside of the box; how do we monetize these damned birds?

*Loather's cellphone rings*

Hey it's Regansby, traffic is hell and my cat died and I'm totally not trying to skip out on this meeting and I started typing this joke then realised you wouldn't actually receive this because you just got off the metaphorical phone telling us we don't have phones anymore. Anyway enjoy getting this by pigeonmail in an hour or so.

*click*

Johnson asked the phone company for the GPS data and is now hunting the birds via hot air balloon and a sniper rifle. His lackeys are forced to predict the bird's flight patterns and catch the phones falling from the sky.

Damn it, no! We spent everything on these pigeons. We have to turn these birds into gold. Tell Johnson to put the rifle down before I put him down!

And tell Regansby they're fired!

"I can't let you do that, Sir."

From 900000000 feet up, in a spaceship, Johnson fires his sniper rifle at the boss' hand. It will take 5mins for the Boss to get the reply, and 5mins1s for the Boss to realize that he can't move his hand

This just in - a carrier pigeon carrying flash drives actually transfers data significantly faster than a smart phone. All we need to do is market our data services towards bulk data rather than repeated, smaller packets as is the case in text. Want to send your entire video library to your friend? We can do that.

What, really? It's faster? This changes everything! Brilliant work, sir!

But how are we going to get continued payments from our customers? It's not like a bird carrying a flash drive needs a data plan...

Oh hey, guess I beat my mailpigeon into work.

I think we could make it a distance-based plan for payment? We essentially offer an on-demand service which can rack up surcharges when deliveries are requested last-minute.

But we can't do something like that if everyone's got their own pigeon, right? They could just do whatever they want with it, and we wouldn't be able to charge them for it.

So would we have, like, a pigeon depot where people can show up with flash drives and request a data transfer? Isn't that just... isn't that just mail?

Not if we give it a catchy enough name!

if we used hawks we could call it SCREEmail!

How much would it cost to sell our existing pigeon stocks and reinvest in birds of prey?

No, wait - you know how they call it snail mail? This can be Quail Mail!

Flighty Fliers for Hire

says Johnson, loudly over the intercom hoping not to get Fired

The memo said '"Cellphones" "birds"' and his incompetent lackeys led him to believe that the company cellphones were inside the birds. Now, he's being told that the birds will also be delivering mail to offset the cost of buying birds that ate all their cellphones.

Frequent Flier Files!

Aha! So THAT'S your plan! At last, my corporate espionage has paid off! YourCompetitorsCorp will pay top dollar for this tip. Now I just need to get the message out of the building somehow...

Why not join our Quail Mail(?) Early Access Program? For only a thou-- twenty-thousand US dollars (or two-point-five thousand per month for the next twelve months) you too can attain access to the pre-alpha release of our highly coveted Bulk Data Delivery Service Experience! Buy in at the hundred-kay tier and receive your very own PCP! (Personal Carrier Pidge) Supplieslimitedqualitynotassureddealornodeal?

Hey boss, sorry I had to check in via this pudgy pigeon. I apologize if this pigeon is violently twitching or smells like crystal meth to you, I totally wasn't making said meth in the bathroom when I got in a tug-o-war with this bird over a joint, honest!


That was the dude in the stall before me. I tried to cook bacon and eggs with the lab and that is it I swear! Sure I smoked the entire batch, but can you blame me?

Regardless I'm getting sidetracked, I regret to inform you I'm taking sick leave until further notice because this stuff was just loaded with cyanide for some reason. If the janitor offers you 'toilet rollies', just say nonononono! RE: these dumb birds, has anybody contacted John Woo's animal training person I guess? I'm waaaay too poisoned and admittedly high to think of the details here.