Shank A Bitch 3 Day Six: The Handsman Cometh (10/71 Alive)

why me :(

The crowd will proceed to slowly and dramatically advance on Chwoka for the next 15 hours. Feel free to keep talking in the meantime.

ooh okay cool.

Kill List:
- Breadopocalypse
- Sruixan
- Everyone else

why me :(

SpoilerShow

ooh okay cool.

Kill List:
- Breadopocalypse
- Sruixan
- Everyone else

Slightly offended that I'm not explicitly named on that list, amosmyn

cool, we got to kill the feline and unicode stars guy

Chwoka we're coming for you.

Gonna get you.

One way, or another

ooh okay cool.

Kill List:
- Breadopocalypse
- Sruixan
- Everyone else

Slightly offended that I'm not explicitly named on that list, amosmyn

You know, I was going to put you down for third.

SpoilerShow

Guess we'll settle this another time, bread. >:0

B)
I'll meet you on the dancefloor Amos

Maybe I won't even stop at birds
Maybe I will irk an entire assortment of fauna here on Vista Paolo

IF YOU IRK A BUG YOU'RE DONE FOR.

Dalm you are like my best friend now.

Is Chwoka dead yet, I stayed up all night slowly and dramatically advancing and I really could use some sleep.

You're telling me you don't know how to sleepmenace? Come on Fogel it's stuff like this that (clearly) cost you the whale duel.

Sleep is for the weak, shanks are for the warrior

IF YOU IRK A BUG YOU'RE DONE FOR.

I ain't sayin I slapped a few mosquitoes before I clocked in for the dramatic advance but


nothing is sacred
maybe even

YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES.

please hold

(goddamnit Chwoka)

Please hold

boo-doo-doop! we're sorry; you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.

that's right, i can post after mirdini basically told us to stop posting 'cause i'm a dead man walking. you fools. killing me has really just made invincible!

edit: i can edit my posts too. i'm unstoppable

i don't need you punks anyway, i'll always have chwoka mafia

peace out

THE BELUGANING OF THE END

Chwoka's death is slow, painful and incredibly satisfying to everyone involved. He certainly wasn't a zombie, no sir.

Curiously, the various WHALE BATTLERS seem to have vanished; presumably summoned to their yacht antechambers by COSMIC WHALE SUMMONS.

Chwoka was an INSANE TELEVISION SURVIVALIST (see Airey, D2 start). He would have won if he was the LAST MAN STANDING.

With the mob's hunger for a proper shanking finally sated, the doors of the hangar swing open to reveal a view of the Vista Paolo's bay, ready to stage the EVENT OF THE CETANTURY.

Celestial narwhals float through the atmosphere, far above the fleet of flying humpback lighting technicians frantically doing a last few rigging checks.

The orca security pack stands at attention, saluting their blue whale commander. Its fluke looms over the bay, ready to signal the beginning of the press conference with a thunderous clap.

No-one knows what those sperm whales are doing.

The shankers set out toward seaside, salvaged vessels of all shapes and sizes standing at the ready to transport them to the press conference to take place in the center of the bay. Shanking enmity is temporarily ignored in the face of the sheer spectacle, and so the crowd is shocked and dismayed to discover Scoffles' body washed up on the shoreline.

Scoffles was a Double-Vested Bomb Shanker! (see Donut, D2 start). He was the only WHALE BATTLER to perish in the Whale Dimension.

The rest (including the ghost of yd12k) await within...



THE PORPRESS CONFERENCE.

All shankers, living or dead find themselves on the cavernous recessed deck of the S.S. WHALENAUGHT, largest craft ever to swim the seven seas. An impressive sight indeed, rendered more impressive by the sheer amount of cetaceans present to ensure the proceedings run perfectly.

With Vista Paolo's shankers the source of this battle's contestants, each of that group has received a rare invitation to experience the conference firsthand (alongside the usual WHALE JOURNALISTS). The rest of the world must watch the live-stream carried to them via current-borne plankton-fiber.


Art Dalm!

Miiiiiiiiiiiiiic cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeck, miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic cheeeeeeeeeeeeck...

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooone twoooooooooooooooooooooooooo threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

broooooooooooooooooooadcaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis aaaaaaaaaaaaa gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo~

Art Still Seedy

Hello? Hello? Is this on? Ah, excellent. Er, we'd best...

There we go. Greetings, greetings mortals! We are the Herald of the Elder Whales, and we have the honor of introducing the survivors of this age's Whale Duel. Before they take center stage, a few reminders...

---------------------

VOTING GUIDELINES

- Once each contestant has had their chance to speak, all non-contestants, living or dead, may vote ((in their quicktopic)) on which brave WHALE BATTLER they feel has made the strongest case for their winning the WHALE DUEL. Once the most convincing WHALE TALE has won a plurality of HEARTS AND MINDS, its bearer will be crowned the WHALE DUEL CHAMPION.

- Please do take the time to examine each contestant's presented Porpoganda - you have quite some time before the voting comes to an end.

- The exact WHALE FACTS each Duelist has marshaled will be revealed after a champion has been crowned. Rest assured that each piece of Porpoganda has employed them to an acceptable standard.

---------------------

With that out of the way, we are honored to introduce our first challenger...

yd12k!

yd12k's spectral form floats toward the podium in full admiral's dress, barking a sharp command at the multimedia crew.

Banners unfurl and lights dim across the deck-hall, and a stirring anthem starts up as he stands in the spotlight, grips the podium and relates the tale of how he truly won the WHALE DUEL.

Once upon a time there was a brave, valiant, handsome, clever, insanely rad superninja cyborg. His hair gleamed like polished silver, and had the same effect on the werewolves that he slaughtered before breakfast. Only evil ones though. One day, a god decided to tell him: "yd12k, you must beat the everloving crap out of 7 smelly nerds in the whale dimension". He knew this couldn't be an actual god because he'd already punched so many gods in the face that the rest steered clear, including the ones that lacked a face. Indeed it wasn't a god but Shankdini. yd12k decided to do it anyway because he had some spare time inbetween bouts of magic cardio training and psychic getting mad ripped. So he ran into the whale dimension (N dimensional running isn't that hard to him) and went to punch NERDS.

Once in the whale dimension, he noticed he was above whale ocean and began plummeting down. Before landing he pulled a magic wall out of his back pocket and used it to jump up toward the also falling Palamades and punched him so hard the wind sheared across the ocean, forming a hurricane. The brine swept up and stuck to his face, giving him a saltbeard on top of his already awesome beard. Grabbing some flotsam that had been trust into the air and some of his ninja poison needles, he then headbutted the needles into the wood and built a viking submarine warship with cannons that shot meteors.

The second NERD he came across was Schazer, a well known whalebard rapper. Knowing that one could never truly defeat a rapper unless one burns them, he called upon his old friend from the whale dimension: Smogon the Seiwhale. Smogon was bred to perfection with only the most beneficial of natures, EVs, and Egg moves. (modest nature, scald, icebeam and hidden power grass with EV's in speed and special attack). Schazer was rapping as hard as she could, but this made her not hear the oncoming danger of Smogon, who attacked her from behind with Scald, getting the burn and depriving her of all her power of rap, upon which she immediatly drowned and forfeited like a coward.

He then used his bat echolocation form when he'd been a vampire (he got better) to find more NERDS. It seemed Pharmacy and Dragon Fogel had started working together to murder every other contestant before holding their final battle, and were now ganging up on Truegreen. He quickly sent Smogon to water spout on them, diverting their attention. The evil cheating NERDS quickly started shanking Smogon, but he had too much HP for the one hit kill and this gave yd12k time to fuse with Truegreen, forming WHYGREENTHOUSAND. he didn't have time to reflect on how the k in his name wasn't short for kilo so that didn't make much sense and quickly used Truegreen's NERDness to augment the cannons into LASER METEOR CANNONS and then he shot Fogel and Pharms in the back, but not before they'd killed Smogon.

He knew the ritual to raise the dead, but it'd require his own life. He prepared the ritual, and when the time came, Truegreen, moved by the tru brotitude between yd12k and Smogon, sacrificed his own life so they could finbump forever. This did attract Seedy, who saw his chance and used her knifegun to destroy the viking submarine. yd12k's robot parts began malfunctioning, and he kjnew he wouldn't survive an actual underwater battle long, when he saw his chance. Behind seedy swam a bunch of Oncorhynchus mykiss, and he knew just what to do. He sent a psychic wave to them, sending them into a suicidal kamikazi attack at yd12k, as trout are known to do. On their way, they snagged seedy, who was now being dragged to yd12k and unable to get a clear shot. yd12k raised his chin, and the trout impaled Seedy upon his salt encrusted beard, slitting her throat.

And that is how yd12k killed all the NERDS.

yd12k finishes, gazing sternly into the distance until his crew gives him the signal that yes, they had recorded his legend for future generations to hear. A slow, noble nod is all the admiral manages as his specter flickers out of existence, returning from whence he came.

The Herald wipes a tear from its eye before signalling for the hall to return to its default configurations.

WHO'S NEXT? IT'S NONE OTHER THAN... Dragon Fogel!

Dragon Fogel slams onto the stage from above, leaping off the lofty heights of the S.S. Whalenaught's conning tower. The noise of his landing rivals the flukeslap that began the conference, and as he steps up to the podium darkness falls, a single spotlight shadowing his face. In a low voice, he begins...

The Whale Dimension was a terrifying place, even more than most mortals would imagine.

For those who enter are immediately greeted with the sight of the Whalemother, the whale from which all whales spring forth. She is majestic, beautiful, and larger than any known planet, and to gaze upon her form is to invite madness.

Among the ten assembled combatants, nine had the strength of will to behold her and still stand. But yd12k was immediately reduced to a sobbing heap at the Whalemother's unparalleled cetacean beauty.
Seeing a helpless opponent, the others all acted swiftly. This was a chance to score the first kill of the match, and establish superiority swiftly.

And so, within moments, yd12k collapsed, stabbed by seven knives all at once. Only two combatants had ignored the easy prey - the two rivals whose fierce determination had caught the Whalemother's attention in the first place.

For Fogel and Pharmacy, the others were a mere diversion. The true battle was between them, and any who tried to stand in their way would meet a swift end.

And indeed, both soon demonstrated their skill. Both had been training for this moment all their lives - to them, the Whale Dimension was merely another ocean, albeit a far larger one than most humans could even imagine. Both instinctively knew how to call out to it, to summon forth whales to their cause. In moments, Pharmacy had called forth a pod of ferocious orcas, while Fogel had summoned a school of enormous blue whales.

At first, it looked as though Fogel's whales would have the edge; though smaller in number, each easily had enough mass to fend off a dozen orcas. But Pharmacy had one additional trick up her sleeve.
She had helicopters.

No one was sure exactly where they came from, or how the orcas could operate them with such skill. But they soon established themselves as the dominant force in the fight, raining down a hail bullets and dodging counterattacks easily. In mere minutes, Fogel's blue troops were whittled down to half their number, and Granolaman had been grievously wounded by the bullets Fogel was deflecting with him.

The various internal rivalries between the contestants took a backseat to stopping Pharmacy at all costs. Scoffles was the first to strike, but the moment he stepped within stabbing distance, two helicopters swooped in from both sides. Before he could react, he was crushed between them, becoming the second casualty of the fight.

His ignominious defeat made it clear that Pharmacy's orcas were not merely a fierce offense, but a near-impregnable defense as well. They could not be ignored.

Yet strangely, despite his rival's apparent advantage, Fogel seemed oddly disinterested in the fight. Aside from swatting away bullets, and swinging Granolaman at Seedy once or twice as she sought an opportunistic strike, he made no move, and merely sat upon his blue whale steed as it swam through the infinite ocean.

But most fighters were too occupied with Pharmacy's forces to contemplate her rival's objectives. The turning point came when Palamedes called in a pod of pilot whales, who rushed straight for the helicopters and dragged them, orca and all, towards the bottom of the sea, unconcerned for their own safety.

Pharmacy was vulnerable, and Pala was the first to strike. Unfortunately for him, this meant he was also the first to fall to her narwhal-blade - though her orca perimiter had been taken down, she was still far from defenseless.

That was when Fogel made his move. First, he flung Granolaman at Seedy, knocking both assailant and immortal weapon towards the ocean floor. He rushed to the tail of his mount, and gently grabbed it.

As he touched the blue whale, it began to change.

It was clear to the others now what he had been doing - all this time, he had been communing with the whale, helping it to realize its true power. It changed its form to match the hidden power within its spirit - the power of a giant robot energy lightning mace.

He swam towards Pharmacy at full speed, only pausing to swat Sruixan out of his way. Sruix screamed as the lightning coursed through his body, but that noise was soon drowned out by the water rushing past him as Fogel continued to dive.

Desperately, Pharmacy parried the mace with her narwhal. It was a valiant effort, but before long the narwhal's horn broke, and Fogel pinned his rival under two hundred tons of robotic blubber.

But in his determination to strike down his rival, Fogel had forgotten to watch his back. Seeing a chance to take down two mighty opponents, Schazer had grabbed hold of a beluga and begun to swim in circles at high speeds, creating a massive whirlpool. She send it towards the rivals, hoping to claim them both.

The whirlpool tore through them, even as they continued their struggle. But when it finally passed, only Pharmacy remained, exhausted yet intact.
Schazer grinned. Victory was at hand. She only needed to deal with the exhausted Pharmacy and the enigmatic Truegreen... wait, where was Truegreen?

A massive blast soon answered that question, as Truegreen emerged, seemingly from nowhere, riding a humpback with an enormous cannon in its mouth. The shot knocked Schazer from her beluga, giving Pharmacy a chance to flee and recoup.

From that point on, the battle grew ever fiercer, with all three sides building massive armies. Yet none of the three seemed able to gain an advantage; Pharmacy could command the mightiest whales, but Schazer was able to exploit her knowledge of whale biology to fend off most attackers, and Truegreen seemed to have an ever-increasing array of equipment for his forces. Perhaps it was acquired from the same plane of existence as Pharmacy's lost helicopters.

It was clear to Pharmacy that she could not defeat both opponents, not in her weakened state. And so she made an uneasy peace with Truegreen, agreeing that neither would attack the other until Schazer was defeated.

The Marinara Trench was the dividing line - were either side to cross it, that would be a breach of the agreement.

Schazer was hardly worried, however. She could hold out well enough against both opponents, and she knew the truce would not last; both sides were building up their forces around the Marinara, no doubt waiting for an opportunity.

And all Schazer had to do was create that opportunity. By taking strategic losses at the Ranch Trench and the Worcestershire Trench, she could make her defeat look worse than it actually was. That, no doubt, would be enough to break the peace.

And she was right. Not long after a sentry tower fell, Pharmacy turned half of her attention to Truegreen, and before long that half turned to two-thirds. All the while, Schazer was preparing for her final strike, retreating forces to minimize her losses and retain as many troops as she could.

In time, Pharmacy and Truegreen whittled each other down enough to take a chance. Schazer rode forth on her beluga, surrounded by every troop she had left. Desperately, the other two generals agreed on a last-minute truce, but both realized it might not be enough - they had overestimated Schazer's losses.

But just before the battle began, a noise echoed through the ocean.

No, not a noise - a song. A choir of thousands of whales, singing a song that no human could understand.

But then a pillar of light appeared in the middle of the battlefield, and all became clear.

Fogel had not been defeated by the whirlpool. He had, instead, ascended.

He appeared in the form of a winged beluga in the center of the beam, and as he swam out, the bones of the fallen whales rose from the ocean floor and came towards him.

No one wanted to see what happened next. Schazer charged towards him, Pharmacy raised her now-healed narwhal, and Truegreen began aiming his cannonwhale.

But Fogel fought them all off with only his whaleknife, as he began tying the bones together. Before long, he had crafted a massive, terrifying serpentine creature, and climbed on its back.

Of his three remaining opponents, only Pharmacy, his eternal rival, realized the full meaning of what had just happened.

Fogel had created the Dragonwhale, a creature of legends, said to only respond to a true master of the whales. He had surpassed her, surpassed them all.

The survivors of the three armies were soon torn apart, and their bones integrated into the Dragonwhale, making it even more powerful and horrifying to behold. As it reached its full power, it simply swallowed all three in one gulp.

There was another flash of light as the whale power left Fogel's body and the Dragonwhale collapsed into bones.

The battle was over. Fogel had won.

He was now the undisputed Prince of Whales.

What little light remains is completely extinguished as Fogel concludes his account. When they flood back on, he's vanished into the night. The only sign he'd ever been there is the chills rolling down every viewer's back.

The Herald takes a minute to compose itself enough to proceed with the conference.

It's the one! The only! Granolaman!