Hiccups (Text) - COMPLETED!

You have the hiccups. Bad. Seriously, you've had them for two days now and you've tried all kinds of things and they just won't go away!

What are you going to do?

Scare yourself. Jump off a cliff without checking how far down it is.

Go scare someone else. People have tried it on you enough times that you're a nervous wreck; it's only fair that the rest of the world has to deal with a bit of it, too.

Hold your breath until you pass out.

Scare yourself. Jump off a cliff without checking how far down it is.

In desperation, you hurl yourself off the nearest cliff, hoping to scare yourself. You have no idea how far down it is.

Go scare someone else. People have tried it on you enough times that you're a nervous wreck; it's only fair that the rest of the world has to deal with a bit of it, too.

You do this accidentally on the way down, as a mountain climber taking a break on a ledge partway up sees you falling right towards him. He's not sure where he can safely dodge to in time and starts to panic.

Hold your breath until you pass out.

As you descend towards the climber, you find that despite your sheer terror, you still have the hiccups. You decide to try another approach, and hold your breath until you pass out.

You wake up some time later on top of an unconscious mountain climber, now sliding dangerously fast down the side of a steep cliff.

Worse yet, you still have the hiccups!

What are you going to do?

Steer!

Attempt to hiccup over that massive chasm you're about to fall into.

Fall into a massive crevice.

Steer!

What? You aren't going to see any steers on this mountainside, or any cattle at all for that matter...

Oh! Wait, you mean the verb. Yeah, okay. You start steering the mountain climber in another direction... right towards a bull that's standing on the side of the mountain for some reason. You collide with it and knock it over and start sliding towards a massive chasm - geez, just how far down does this cliff go?

Oh, and you have no idea if this bull is a steer, and you'd prefer not to check if you can help it.

Attempt to hiccup over that massive chasm you're about to fall into.

Seeking ideas, you try to make use of your condition and use your hiccups to propel you away from the cliff face.

You get about one inch away per hiccup. You don't think it's going to be enough.

Fall into a massive crevice.

Yeah, uh... you kind of do that without trying.

You, a mountain climber, and a bull are now all falling to your probable doom. And you STILL have the hiccups!

What are you going to do?

> Hold your breath

>Wait until the last minute and then jump off the bull. Everyone knows that this cancels inertia and you will be fine.

Play 99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall.

Learn to fly!

Climb onto the bull and start a stampede back up the cliff.

> Hold your breath

What, again? Well, okay. It might just work. You start holding your breath.

>Wait until the last minute and then jump off the bull. Everyone knows that this cancels inertia and you will be fine.

Yeah, okay. You wait as you keep falling...

...and falling...

...and falling... whoops, you passed out from holding your breath again...

And you regain consciousness and... what the heck, you're *still* falling?

Oh, and the mountain climber has woken up now.

"It's about time you got up! Who the hell are you, and what are we doing on this bull? And why do I ache so much?"

...Just how far down does this chasm go?

Play 99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall.

You convince the mountain climber to join you in singing 99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall to pass the time while you wait for impact so you can jump off the bull.

You finish the song entirely, which is annoying when you're hiccuping constantly throughout, and you're STILL falling. This is one deep crevice.

Learn to fly!

You already have a pilot's license! But the airline won't let you fly while you've got the hiccups this badly.

And how would brushing up on the basics of flight school help with your hiccups, anyways? Honestly, some of the ideas you get are so ridiculous.

Climb onto the bull and start a stampede back up the cliff.

Well, you're already on the bull. But how exactly are you going to start a stampede?

Well, you're already on the bull. But how exactly are you going to start a stampede?

By hiccupping really loudly, stupid!

By hiccupping really loudly, stupid!

Well, you suppose it's worth a shot. You prepare for your next hiccup, readying your lungs so it will be as loud as possible...

...

...

Oh, great, NOW your hiccups stop. You relax your lungs.

*hiccup*

GODDAMMIT.

Your hiccup echoes throughout the abyss around you. The bull seems frightened, and starts trying to stampede on thin air...

Then you hear a rumbling.

A moment later, you're swept up by a heard of Hell Cattle. These gigantic, demonic cows are spooked by your hiccups and rush up from the depths of hell itself towards the surface, carrying you, a mountain climber, and a bull that may or may not be a steer back up towards the top of the cliff.

They reach the top, and keep running. They're going to trample your hometown if you don't stop them!

Oh, and you STILL have the hiccups, of course. Despite being scared out of your wits.

What are you going to do?

Scream out to your fellow villagers that their lives are in great danger.

> Massage the roof of your mouth!

Scream out to your fellow villagers that their lives are in great danger.

You try to yell, but your hiccups increase in frequency and all that comes out of your mouth is "Hiccup hiccup hiccup!"

The mountain climber looks at you oddly. "Hey, you okay, buddy? I hear that a good way to get rid of the hiccups is to..."

> Massage the roof of your mouth!

Well, you'll try anything at this point, frankly. You take the mountain climber's advice and start massaging the roof of your mouth.

It seems all right for a while... but then you suddenly hiccup in the middle of it and find your hand stuck down your throat.

What now?

Obviously, you should tear out your epiglottis. Without an epiglottis, you simply won't have anywhere to hiccup from.

Feel around your insides for the evil Hiccup gnome

Obviously, you should tear out your epiglottis. Without an epiglottis, you simply won't have anywhere to hiccup from.

Yes, this is a brilliant idea with no possible negative effects. Too bad you don't know what an epiglottis feels like.

Feel around your insides for the evil Hiccup gnome

Hiccup gnome? That's ridiculous, there is clearly no such thing...

What, what's this pointy thing you're feeling?

You grasp your hand around something inside your throat, and pick it up with no resistance.

You'd pull your hand out to take a look, but your arm seems to be stuck.

What are you going to do?

Pull harder. Duh.

You can cure hiccups with a kiss.

Mountain climber's right there. Just sayin'.