Michael Transactions

Hi. I'm Michael Transactions. For just a few coins, I'll send you a toy in the mail, make you a fun hat, or kill your worst enemy.

Can y0u turn me fr0m human int0 aftik f0r real?

Can y0u turn me fr0m human int0 aftik f0r real?

Yes, for just 106 coins. You can conveniently purchase them with "real world money", whatever that it, at www dot thisisafakeurldontfollowit dot net.

alrighty i paid f0rit. y0u sh0uldve g0tten the payment.

what's your favourite financial instrument? I play the Loanaphone

alrighty i paid f0rit. y0u sh0uldve g0tten the payment.

Yes I did! Those nanobot capsules you swallow to change your body into the form of an aftik have been sent to you in the mail.

Hi michael. What is your star sign? Are we compatible

I'm a Gemini. I give you double the value

what's your favourite financial instrument? I play the Loanaphone

 
I can't pick a favourite, I just love them all! You can get one of every instrument for just 68 coins.

what kinds of fun hats do you offer

what kinds of fun hats do you offer

You could try a Corduroy Fedora for 2 coins, or a 2002 Winter Olympics Toque for 16 coins, or a Bamboo Weave Hat for 3 coins. There are so many to choose from! What are you looking for?

how about a hat that will destroy my enemies?

i want a hat that is green. i will pay you in beans and grains of rice.

I also want a hat, but I don't just want any hat. I want your hat. Yours. Yes, that one. Whatever the cost, I will pay it.

Didnt there used to be a guy called Marco Transactions, that dude had pretty steep prices but I think his services were worth it. He'd know what you need and have it all available for you from day one. No need to be popping back in constantly

how about a hat that will destroy my enemies?

Yep! We've got that for only 79 coins.

i want a hat that is green. i will pay you in beans and grains of rice.

We don't accept beans or grains of rice. You can get a green hat for 1 coin. 

I also want a hat, but I don't just want any hat. I want your hat. Yours. Yes, that one. Whatever the cost, I will pay it.

Sure thing! For only 4 coins, you can get my hat. Act fast, this is a very exclusive item. Up until I buy a replacement hat for myself for just 2 coins. It will never quite be the same. It won't feel the same, or hold the same precious memories, but it will warm my ears and superficially satisfy my cold dead heart.

Didnt there used to be a guy called Marco Transactions, that dude had pretty steep prices but I think his services were worth it. He'd know what you need and have it all available for you from day one. No need to be popping back in constantly

We try not to talk about our competitors, but for the low price of 235 coins, I can get you Marco. 

I hold out my palm to reveal four imposing coins laying across the fateful ridges and divots of skin. Lightning flashes in the background. I laugh.

I hold out my palm to reveal four imposing coins laying across the fateful ridges and divots of skin. Lightning flashes in the background. I laugh.

Michael hands you his hat in exchange for the coins. He is smiling, but his eyes look full and watery.

"Thank you for your purchase," he says, but he's still nursing the wound you have cut open. This job has taken away so much from him. He wish he could quit, could leave. It wasn't in the cards. He didn't want to end up like Michelle.

Hi, I'm William Dollar. What can I get for this green dollar bill?

can i get some x ray glasses?

How much for 239 coins?

Hi there mister michael, i'd like some coin derivative securities please. If the price of a coin increases by 3 coins, I get 2 coins. If it doesn't, I get nothing. I'm willing to buy such a contract from you for one coin.

(meheheh, the SEC will never catch this one!)

i'd like two halves of one quartermaster for full price

i want...

that!

that one!!! I WANT THAT! GIVE ME THAT!

let me have that