Re: Write-Off! (Will Smith Edition!)
09-21-2011, 09:22 PM
I'm done too. Mine's also pretty long.
Show Content
SpoilerWill Smith, formerly known as the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, sighed and got ready for work. This consisted of picking up his briefcase and a small card with his picture and name on it, as he didn't have any clothes to put on.
He kissed his wife, Will Smith, after they showed each other their cards authorizing romantic interest. Then he headed off to the Will Smithland Ministry of Needless Bureaucracy.
It was an unpleasant job, and it didn't pay very well, though it was a whole three credits a year more than his last job at the Will Smithland Ministry of Sewage Treatment.
Every day, Will Smith wished he could go back to how it was back in Hollywood, before he had been kidnapped and forced to live in this nudist colony full of Will Smiths. Now he was poor and had a boring job, and he'd even been working overtime lately at the request of his boss, Will Smith, who had once been defensive end for the New Orleans Saints.
The overtime didn't mean any more credits, of course, but refusing would have meant trouble with the authorities. So he'd gone along with it.
His walk was suddenly interrupted by an announcement. Like every official announcement in Will Smithland, it was broadcast across the city-state through loudspeakers on every building and street corner.
"Attention, citizens! Will Jones has been found guilty of using an unauthorized name! You will all witness his execution!"
Will Smith almost sighed before remembering that he wasn't in a designated sighing zone. He knew Will Smith would probably find some way to punish him for not being on time for work even though attending the execution was mandatory.
The execution consisted of reading aloud a list of embarassing acts that Will Jones had allegedly been involved in, waterboarding him, and then just stabbing him in the heart when he couldn't take the waterboarding any more. Will Smith had seen it dozens of times since arriving in the colony, and it had never gotten any more pleasant.
After Will Jones' body was carried off, the speakers ordered everyone to return to their daily routines. Will Smith decided to take a shortcut through a back alley; it wasn't actually unauthorized yet, and he might still make it to work in time.
When the stuffed penguin struck him in the head, he had just enough time to regret the decision before falling unconscious.
***
British comedian Will Smith smiled as he regarded his latest victim's identification card. The Ministry of Bureaucracy was the perfect place to begin planning his escape! After his close escape from the false "rebellion" the government had set up in order to catch people like him, Smith had fallen into hiding, waiting for opportunities to snatch identification cards.
He wasn't sure if this Will Smith fellow - who looked awfully familiar, had he been on television perhaps? - had high enough clearance to actually adjust bureaucratic records, but it would be good as a scouting mission to find someone who could.
He dragged Smith's unconscious naked body behind the dumpster, took his card and briefcase, and headed off to the ministry.
***
"You're late, Smith. You'd better get some serious work done on your project, or I'll report you to the Central Authority."
Will Smith glared at his employee. There seemed to be something off about him, though Smith couldn't quite put his finger on it.
"Absolutely, sir!" Will Smith ran off, smiling when he knew no one would see him. His skills as a master of disguise hadn't left him.
He checked his identification card, which conveniently had Will Smith's cubicle number on it. That was fortunate; it would probably have raised suspicions if he had to ask where exactly he worked. And the nameplates on the cubicles wouldn't have been any help, considering they all said "Will Smith".
He sat down at the cubicle and booted up Will Smith's computer. He easily guessed the password; it was always the same for everyone, "ilovethecentralauthority", ever since Will Smith had been executed when it was discovered that his password was "centralauthoritycangofuckitself".
Will soon found Smith's documentation on his main project; there was so much of it. It seemed to be a proposal for the Central Authority, designed to make the paperwork process even more labrynthine and full of unusual and meaningless regulations; the sample ID card had a dozen new fields on it, and each of them had a new set of regulations bound to it. For instance, "species" had such regulations as "having a species of Chicken is a crime", "anyone with the species Velociraptor must be obeyed under all circumstances", and "anyone with the species Human must submit themselves to piggyback rides for Central Authority when requested". "Mother's maiden name" had only one related regulation, "this must be Smith". And there were dozens of notes, all from Will Smith - a note in the margin identified him as "the football player".
It was truly incomprehensible. Central Authority would love it.
Will Smith knew that he had to escape before these regulations were implemented and Will Smithland became even more unpleasant to live in. He considered adjusting the regulations, but then decided against it; Will Smith would likely catch on, as he had been so closely involved in this project. And that would most likely just get Will Smith in trouble.
Just then, another execution was announced and everyone was ordered out of the building. That was fortunate timing. Will Smith carefully slipped into the janitor's closet, hoping to search the building for a better opportunity to sabotage the Ministry.
What he didn't realize was that the janitor's closet was secretly an elevator. As he shut the door in case there were any stragglers who might spot him, he accidentally hit the secret switch in the nearby wall, and the room suddenly moved downwards.
When the closet came to a halt, Will Smith cautiously stepped out and saw something shocking: a room filled with velociraptors in cloning tanks. And then he saw Will Smith, football player, off in the distance, kissing an unfamiliar woman. He didn't realize she was Will Smith, Fresh Prince Will Smith's wife.
What he did realize was the link between the velociraptors and Will Smith's proposal. He'd already assumed that the "Velociraptor regulation" was going to be used to allow the Central Authority's leadership to move smoothly through the bureaucracy, by listing their species as that; but in actuality, Smith was going to arrange for full clearance for these velociraptors, who would no doubt be under his control. He could easily take over the entire colony!
The woman suddenly pushed Will Smith away. "I have to go. There's an execution."
Then he punched her.
"Shut up and keep kissing me!"
Will Smith couldn't restrain himself. This Will Smith was a monster, and had to be confronted. But just to be safe, he removed his Will Smith disguise first; he didn't want anybody to blame Will Smith for his actions, after all.
"Let the lady go," Will Smith said to Will Smith. Surprised, the woman fled before Will Smith could hit her again. Will Smith glared at Will Smith angrily.
"Who do you think you are?"
Then a look of horror crossed his face, and he suddenly dropped to his knees.
"Look, pal, I've got plenty of credits. I'll give you six hundred if you keep this quiet and don't tell Central Authority, okay? And then we can both forget this ever happened."
Will Smith looked as though he was about to shout something in response, but then he realized how useful six hundred credits would be in escaping.
"You've got yourself a deal, Will Smith."
"Good, good. This little project is between you and me, yeah?" He walked over to a desk, pulled six small cards out of the drawer, and handed them to Will Smith.
"Don't try pushing your luck, though. If you think you can come back and ask for more, I won't let you walk out of here alive."
Will Smith ran off, realizing how close a call that was and once more donning his Will Smith disguise on the way out. He suspected that Will Smith hadn't realized he knew about Will Smith's project. He then decided to leave before Will Smith changed his mind.
***
Later that evening, Will Smith woke up behind a dumpster in an alley and found his briefcase and identification card.
"Crud. How late am I?" he asked, worried.
The chimes of the Will Smithland national anthem suddenly played over the loudspeakers. The workday was over. And he'd missed it. He was going to be in big trouble, and he knew it.
But that could wait until tomorrow. Today, he was heading back home.
He didn't realize that Will Smith was following him, worried about how his escapades for the day had affected Will Smith.
***
It only took three days for Will Smith's life to fall apart.
First, Will Smith had threated to fire him if he didn't finish the project in two days. Then his wife had refused to renew their romantic interest cards.
Then he had finally finished the project, working nonstop to keep his mind off how terrible it all was. And then Will Smith had fired him anyway.
"I've got no more use for you, Smith," he had said. "Frankly, I'm disappointed in your overall performance. If I were in your shoes, I'd try to leave town, if there were anything to leave to of course, which there definitely isn't. But let's just say it won't be pleasant for you to stick around." He'd then laughed. "Now, I'm going to head over to the Central Authority and present this to them. I'm sure they'll be very pleased with my ideas."
And so, Will Smith had gone to his bedroom, alone and dejected. With nothing to make his life in Will Smithland even remotely tolerable, he had nothing to lose.
In the morning, he was going to leave the city, or die trying.
But just as he entered the room, he saw someone sitting on his bed. He vaguely recognized the stranger as Will Smith, a British comedian he'd seen a couple of times before his abduction.
"What are you doing in my room?" Will Smith shouted incredulously, then sighed. "No, doesn't matter. I'm leaving tomorrow anyways. Or trying."
"But you can't!" Will Smith shouted at him, leaping from the bed and grabbing Will Smith's shoulders. "We have to stop Will Smith - the football player, that is, the one you used to work for - from taking over this colony, and then the world!"
"What? Why me?"
"Er, well, your current mess is sort of my fault, I stole your identification and pretended to be you the other day, and then I looked over your project, and then I discovered that Will Smith was cloning an army of loyal velociraptors who would be outside of the new bureaucracy your project would create."
Will Smith gasped.
"He's presenting the proposal to Central Authority right now! Granted, that's going to take hours to finish because it's incredibly complicated, but still! We have to act fast!"
"Right. I've got six hundred credits in hush money from your boss. And, well, we've also got whatever you have saved up. Any ideas?"
Will Smith thought carefully.
"Yeah, I think I do. But it's not going to be easy."
***
"...and finally, anyone with an identification card listing their species as Velociraptor is exempt from all these regulations, has full security clearance, and is to be obeyed by all other species."
Will Smith smiled. The fools thought he was providing them with a loophole. Little did they realize that he had already prepared ID cards for his velociraptor army, and once the regulations were approved, those cards would immediately become valid.
What he didn't realize was that in the rafters, Will Smith was furiously tapping away at the Hackmaster 1000, tapping into the computer that held all the details of the coming law.
He had to work fast. He had to do it before the vote was complete, or they'd notice the incomplete paragraph. If he was done before then, though, none of them would catch it, and it would be part of the regulations...
The votes were being tallied on a large screen. Forty-two in favor, zero against... sixty-three... seventy-nine... ninety-three...
Dammit, he wasn't done, stupid legalese...
Ninety-nine...
Luckily, the last vote was in the hands of Chairman Will Smith, the head of the entire colony. And he had fallen asleep during the presentation, as usual, and nobody dared to wake him up.
Suddenly, his vote recorder fell out of his prone hands, and landed on the floor.
A single vote for "Against" appeared on the screen.
Frantically, everyone else pushed their "CLEAR VOTE" buttons, then the "Against" numbers started climbing up.
In the rafters, Will Smith cursed silently. If they didn't pass the bill, they'd probably go through the presentation again; then they might catch his alterations. Still, he had to finish; he couldn't waste this opportunity.
Will Smith wasn't any happier about it. He was in a rush to have the bill passed; he couldn't risk the discovery of his velociraptor breeding operation. He needed some way to wake the Chairman.
He technically still had the floor, so he opted to shout into the microphone. Of course, he still had to tread carefully in case something went wrong, so he simply shouted the praises of Will Smithland.
"WILL SMITHLAND IS THE GREATEST AND ONLY COUNTRY ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH AND I AM PROUD TO HAVE SERVED THIS MARVELOUS COUNTRY AND ITS WONDERFUL CHAIRMAN FOR SO MANY YEARS!"
Chairman Will Smith stirred a little in his sleep.
"IT IS MY GREATEST HOPE THAT THESE NEW REGULATIONS WILL BRING EVEN MORE PROSPERITY TO WILL SMITHLAND AND ALLOW ITS WISE LEADERSHIP, ESPECIALLY THE CHAIRMAN, TO GUIDE US INTO AN EVEN BRIGHTER FUTURE THAN THE AMAZINGLY BRIGHT ONE THEY WERE ALREADY GUIDING US INTO!"
The Chairman muttered something incomprehensible, but still didn't wake up. The vote had paused at 95-0 Against as the last few dared to see if the Chairman would wake up and change his vote.
Up in the rafters, Will Smith had made his edits. But they might turn out to be for naught.
Meanwhile, at the podium, Will Smith had decided on a new approach.
"IN FACT, I THINK IT WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL IF CHAIRMAN WILL SMITH WOULD GIVE US HIS THOUGHTS ON THESE NEW REGULATIONS SO WE COULD HEAR HIS GLORIOUS VOICE. ASSUMING HE WANTS TO DO THAT OF COURSE!"
The Chairman still didn't wake up.
In the rafters, Will Smith was sweating. He looked at the Hackmaster 1000 in his hands, and realized he technically didn't need it any more...
A moment later, as Will Smith was still rambling at the top of his lungs, Chairman Will Smith was struck in the forehead by a small battery.
"Ow!" he shouted, snapping awake.
"AND MAY I JUST SAY HOW MARVELOUS THE CHAIRMAN looks today oh hello Chairman! What did you think of my humble proposal?"
There was a flurry of activity as everyone cancelled their votes again. They didn't want the Chairman to see them voting against him. The total was 1-0 Against.
"What're we voting on?" the Chairman grumbled, rubbing his head.
"M-my new regulations, sir..."
The Chairman mumbled something incomprehensible, then suddenly yelled.
"WHERE'S MY VOTING DOOHICKEY?"
"On... on the floor, sir..."
The Chairman looked down and picked it up.
"mumble grumble... It's stuck on Against! Why are these blasted things so complicated to change your vote on..."
After a minute of fiddling around, the display on the main screen said 1-0 For. Less than 30 seconds later, it was 100-0 For.
The vote was finally complete. The new regulations were in place.
The Chairman stepped up to the podium and grumpily announced that the measure had been approved.
That was when the velociraptors burst in, holding up their ID cards. Will Smith shoved the former Chairman aside, and laughed.
"All in favor of declaring me, Will Smith, as the new Chairman, and also as a velociraptor, please vote now."
The velociraptors charged at the assemblymen and grabbed their vote recorders. They all voted Yes.
Will Smith laughed, but his laughter was cut short as Will Smith dramatically flung open the doors on the other side of the chamber.
He was wearing sunglasses, a baseball cap, and various golden jewelry. The total cost of his ensemble was roughly six hundred credits.
"Yo, man!" he said. "I challenge you to a rap-off for the Chairmanship, in accordance with Article 234, Subsection 19, Paragraph 3B!"
"What? There's no such..."
The monitor suddenly displayed the article in question.
"Yeah there is. And any such challenge supersedes velociraptor orders. Now, are you gonna rap, or are you gonna forfeit right now and hand over the chairmanship?"
Will Smith nervously looked around the room. His velociraptors were looking at him with hungry eyes. It was clear that he couldn't appear weak in front of them.
"I accept your challenge!"
"Good. Then it's on!"
***
The contest was held in the town square. The entire colony had been woken up to watch it.
Will Smith made the first move.
"Now this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I'm gonna be your next Chairman
In west Philadalphia born and raised
Then I had some fun in my acting days
Had a TV show, played a cool teen
Then I made my way to the big screen
Life's cool, I got myself money and fame
Then all of a sudden everything turns lame
I get knocked out thanks to drugs in my food,
Next thing I know, I'm wakin' up nude
No cash, no nothing, just a lousy job
Workin' for some worthless slob
Everyone's got the same name as me
No clothes, no rights, but they tell us we're free
Will Smith over there, he's been usin' me
All this time he's been foolin' with my lady
Didn't like her much, but she was all that I had
'Cause everythin' in this town's been so goddamn bad
Now he's taken over and says he's a raptor
But when I'm done, he'll see that my rap tore
His plan to shreds and left him in the dust
I'll be in charge, my rule will be just
Sayin' it now, I'll be tough but fair
For the five minutes or so that I serve as Chair
Long enough so all the bad guys are banned
Then I'm gonna dissolve Will Smithland
Everyone here is gonna be free
I'll put an end to this tyranny
You can go back home, that's what I say
Once this place is back in the USA!"
There was a rousing cheer from the audience. Even the raptors applauded. Then it was Will Smith's turn. He faced the audience nervously.
"Uh.
My name is Will Smith and I beat my wife
But I'm gonna be Chairman for life
Goddammit I can't think of anything
I don't even know how to sing!"
There was no response. Not even a whimper.
"Looks like I win, Smith," Will Smith said, grinning. "Now, you'd better come along quietly. We're all gonna be gettin' dressed now, only you're gonna be wearing prison clothes."
And then Will Smith and Will Smith laughed as Will Smith was dragged off to a holding cell by two velociraptors.
***
Will Smith resumed his acting career.
Will Smith returned to comedy. Will Smith invited him to co-star in a film as a reward for his help, but he declined.
Will Smith was sent to jail for life, as were the Will Smiths who made up the Central Authority and had been responsible for its various attrocities.
Will Smith, Will Smith's wife, never saw her colony-husband again and went back to working at a McDonalds in Idaho.
Most of the other Will Smiths returned to the lives they had before, with some awkwardness.
The velociraptors, who were obviously all named Will Smith, took over NASA and ran it with a ruthless efficiency. They had started a colony on the moon within five years and called it New Will Smithland.
Will Jones was reanimated during the zombie apocalypse and became the charismatic leader of the zombies.
He kissed his wife, Will Smith, after they showed each other their cards authorizing romantic interest. Then he headed off to the Will Smithland Ministry of Needless Bureaucracy.
It was an unpleasant job, and it didn't pay very well, though it was a whole three credits a year more than his last job at the Will Smithland Ministry of Sewage Treatment.
Every day, Will Smith wished he could go back to how it was back in Hollywood, before he had been kidnapped and forced to live in this nudist colony full of Will Smiths. Now he was poor and had a boring job, and he'd even been working overtime lately at the request of his boss, Will Smith, who had once been defensive end for the New Orleans Saints.
The overtime didn't mean any more credits, of course, but refusing would have meant trouble with the authorities. So he'd gone along with it.
His walk was suddenly interrupted by an announcement. Like every official announcement in Will Smithland, it was broadcast across the city-state through loudspeakers on every building and street corner.
"Attention, citizens! Will Jones has been found guilty of using an unauthorized name! You will all witness his execution!"
Will Smith almost sighed before remembering that he wasn't in a designated sighing zone. He knew Will Smith would probably find some way to punish him for not being on time for work even though attending the execution was mandatory.
The execution consisted of reading aloud a list of embarassing acts that Will Jones had allegedly been involved in, waterboarding him, and then just stabbing him in the heart when he couldn't take the waterboarding any more. Will Smith had seen it dozens of times since arriving in the colony, and it had never gotten any more pleasant.
After Will Jones' body was carried off, the speakers ordered everyone to return to their daily routines. Will Smith decided to take a shortcut through a back alley; it wasn't actually unauthorized yet, and he might still make it to work in time.
When the stuffed penguin struck him in the head, he had just enough time to regret the decision before falling unconscious.
***
British comedian Will Smith smiled as he regarded his latest victim's identification card. The Ministry of Bureaucracy was the perfect place to begin planning his escape! After his close escape from the false "rebellion" the government had set up in order to catch people like him, Smith had fallen into hiding, waiting for opportunities to snatch identification cards.
He wasn't sure if this Will Smith fellow - who looked awfully familiar, had he been on television perhaps? - had high enough clearance to actually adjust bureaucratic records, but it would be good as a scouting mission to find someone who could.
He dragged Smith's unconscious naked body behind the dumpster, took his card and briefcase, and headed off to the ministry.
***
"You're late, Smith. You'd better get some serious work done on your project, or I'll report you to the Central Authority."
Will Smith glared at his employee. There seemed to be something off about him, though Smith couldn't quite put his finger on it.
"Absolutely, sir!" Will Smith ran off, smiling when he knew no one would see him. His skills as a master of disguise hadn't left him.
He checked his identification card, which conveniently had Will Smith's cubicle number on it. That was fortunate; it would probably have raised suspicions if he had to ask where exactly he worked. And the nameplates on the cubicles wouldn't have been any help, considering they all said "Will Smith".
He sat down at the cubicle and booted up Will Smith's computer. He easily guessed the password; it was always the same for everyone, "ilovethecentralauthority", ever since Will Smith had been executed when it was discovered that his password was "centralauthoritycangofuckitself".
Will soon found Smith's documentation on his main project; there was so much of it. It seemed to be a proposal for the Central Authority, designed to make the paperwork process even more labrynthine and full of unusual and meaningless regulations; the sample ID card had a dozen new fields on it, and each of them had a new set of regulations bound to it. For instance, "species" had such regulations as "having a species of Chicken is a crime", "anyone with the species Velociraptor must be obeyed under all circumstances", and "anyone with the species Human must submit themselves to piggyback rides for Central Authority when requested". "Mother's maiden name" had only one related regulation, "this must be Smith". And there were dozens of notes, all from Will Smith - a note in the margin identified him as "the football player".
It was truly incomprehensible. Central Authority would love it.
Will Smith knew that he had to escape before these regulations were implemented and Will Smithland became even more unpleasant to live in. He considered adjusting the regulations, but then decided against it; Will Smith would likely catch on, as he had been so closely involved in this project. And that would most likely just get Will Smith in trouble.
Just then, another execution was announced and everyone was ordered out of the building. That was fortunate timing. Will Smith carefully slipped into the janitor's closet, hoping to search the building for a better opportunity to sabotage the Ministry.
What he didn't realize was that the janitor's closet was secretly an elevator. As he shut the door in case there were any stragglers who might spot him, he accidentally hit the secret switch in the nearby wall, and the room suddenly moved downwards.
When the closet came to a halt, Will Smith cautiously stepped out and saw something shocking: a room filled with velociraptors in cloning tanks. And then he saw Will Smith, football player, off in the distance, kissing an unfamiliar woman. He didn't realize she was Will Smith, Fresh Prince Will Smith's wife.
What he did realize was the link between the velociraptors and Will Smith's proposal. He'd already assumed that the "Velociraptor regulation" was going to be used to allow the Central Authority's leadership to move smoothly through the bureaucracy, by listing their species as that; but in actuality, Smith was going to arrange for full clearance for these velociraptors, who would no doubt be under his control. He could easily take over the entire colony!
The woman suddenly pushed Will Smith away. "I have to go. There's an execution."
Then he punched her.
"Shut up and keep kissing me!"
Will Smith couldn't restrain himself. This Will Smith was a monster, and had to be confronted. But just to be safe, he removed his Will Smith disguise first; he didn't want anybody to blame Will Smith for his actions, after all.
"Let the lady go," Will Smith said to Will Smith. Surprised, the woman fled before Will Smith could hit her again. Will Smith glared at Will Smith angrily.
"Who do you think you are?"
Then a look of horror crossed his face, and he suddenly dropped to his knees.
"Look, pal, I've got plenty of credits. I'll give you six hundred if you keep this quiet and don't tell Central Authority, okay? And then we can both forget this ever happened."
Will Smith looked as though he was about to shout something in response, but then he realized how useful six hundred credits would be in escaping.
"You've got yourself a deal, Will Smith."
"Good, good. This little project is between you and me, yeah?" He walked over to a desk, pulled six small cards out of the drawer, and handed them to Will Smith.
"Don't try pushing your luck, though. If you think you can come back and ask for more, I won't let you walk out of here alive."
Will Smith ran off, realizing how close a call that was and once more donning his Will Smith disguise on the way out. He suspected that Will Smith hadn't realized he knew about Will Smith's project. He then decided to leave before Will Smith changed his mind.
***
Later that evening, Will Smith woke up behind a dumpster in an alley and found his briefcase and identification card.
"Crud. How late am I?" he asked, worried.
The chimes of the Will Smithland national anthem suddenly played over the loudspeakers. The workday was over. And he'd missed it. He was going to be in big trouble, and he knew it.
But that could wait until tomorrow. Today, he was heading back home.
He didn't realize that Will Smith was following him, worried about how his escapades for the day had affected Will Smith.
***
It only took three days for Will Smith's life to fall apart.
First, Will Smith had threated to fire him if he didn't finish the project in two days. Then his wife had refused to renew their romantic interest cards.
Then he had finally finished the project, working nonstop to keep his mind off how terrible it all was. And then Will Smith had fired him anyway.
"I've got no more use for you, Smith," he had said. "Frankly, I'm disappointed in your overall performance. If I were in your shoes, I'd try to leave town, if there were anything to leave to of course, which there definitely isn't. But let's just say it won't be pleasant for you to stick around." He'd then laughed. "Now, I'm going to head over to the Central Authority and present this to them. I'm sure they'll be very pleased with my ideas."
And so, Will Smith had gone to his bedroom, alone and dejected. With nothing to make his life in Will Smithland even remotely tolerable, he had nothing to lose.
In the morning, he was going to leave the city, or die trying.
But just as he entered the room, he saw someone sitting on his bed. He vaguely recognized the stranger as Will Smith, a British comedian he'd seen a couple of times before his abduction.
"What are you doing in my room?" Will Smith shouted incredulously, then sighed. "No, doesn't matter. I'm leaving tomorrow anyways. Or trying."
"But you can't!" Will Smith shouted at him, leaping from the bed and grabbing Will Smith's shoulders. "We have to stop Will Smith - the football player, that is, the one you used to work for - from taking over this colony, and then the world!"
"What? Why me?"
"Er, well, your current mess is sort of my fault, I stole your identification and pretended to be you the other day, and then I looked over your project, and then I discovered that Will Smith was cloning an army of loyal velociraptors who would be outside of the new bureaucracy your project would create."
Will Smith gasped.
"He's presenting the proposal to Central Authority right now! Granted, that's going to take hours to finish because it's incredibly complicated, but still! We have to act fast!"
"Right. I've got six hundred credits in hush money from your boss. And, well, we've also got whatever you have saved up. Any ideas?"
Will Smith thought carefully.
"Yeah, I think I do. But it's not going to be easy."
***
"...and finally, anyone with an identification card listing their species as Velociraptor is exempt from all these regulations, has full security clearance, and is to be obeyed by all other species."
Will Smith smiled. The fools thought he was providing them with a loophole. Little did they realize that he had already prepared ID cards for his velociraptor army, and once the regulations were approved, those cards would immediately become valid.
What he didn't realize was that in the rafters, Will Smith was furiously tapping away at the Hackmaster 1000, tapping into the computer that held all the details of the coming law.
He had to work fast. He had to do it before the vote was complete, or they'd notice the incomplete paragraph. If he was done before then, though, none of them would catch it, and it would be part of the regulations...
The votes were being tallied on a large screen. Forty-two in favor, zero against... sixty-three... seventy-nine... ninety-three...
Dammit, he wasn't done, stupid legalese...
Ninety-nine...
Luckily, the last vote was in the hands of Chairman Will Smith, the head of the entire colony. And he had fallen asleep during the presentation, as usual, and nobody dared to wake him up.
Suddenly, his vote recorder fell out of his prone hands, and landed on the floor.
A single vote for "Against" appeared on the screen.
Frantically, everyone else pushed their "CLEAR VOTE" buttons, then the "Against" numbers started climbing up.
In the rafters, Will Smith cursed silently. If they didn't pass the bill, they'd probably go through the presentation again; then they might catch his alterations. Still, he had to finish; he couldn't waste this opportunity.
Will Smith wasn't any happier about it. He was in a rush to have the bill passed; he couldn't risk the discovery of his velociraptor breeding operation. He needed some way to wake the Chairman.
He technically still had the floor, so he opted to shout into the microphone. Of course, he still had to tread carefully in case something went wrong, so he simply shouted the praises of Will Smithland.
"WILL SMITHLAND IS THE GREATEST AND ONLY COUNTRY ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH AND I AM PROUD TO HAVE SERVED THIS MARVELOUS COUNTRY AND ITS WONDERFUL CHAIRMAN FOR SO MANY YEARS!"
Chairman Will Smith stirred a little in his sleep.
"IT IS MY GREATEST HOPE THAT THESE NEW REGULATIONS WILL BRING EVEN MORE PROSPERITY TO WILL SMITHLAND AND ALLOW ITS WISE LEADERSHIP, ESPECIALLY THE CHAIRMAN, TO GUIDE US INTO AN EVEN BRIGHTER FUTURE THAN THE AMAZINGLY BRIGHT ONE THEY WERE ALREADY GUIDING US INTO!"
The Chairman muttered something incomprehensible, but still didn't wake up. The vote had paused at 95-0 Against as the last few dared to see if the Chairman would wake up and change his vote.
Up in the rafters, Will Smith had made his edits. But they might turn out to be for naught.
Meanwhile, at the podium, Will Smith had decided on a new approach.
"IN FACT, I THINK IT WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL IF CHAIRMAN WILL SMITH WOULD GIVE US HIS THOUGHTS ON THESE NEW REGULATIONS SO WE COULD HEAR HIS GLORIOUS VOICE. ASSUMING HE WANTS TO DO THAT OF COURSE!"
The Chairman still didn't wake up.
In the rafters, Will Smith was sweating. He looked at the Hackmaster 1000 in his hands, and realized he technically didn't need it any more...
A moment later, as Will Smith was still rambling at the top of his lungs, Chairman Will Smith was struck in the forehead by a small battery.
"Ow!" he shouted, snapping awake.
"AND MAY I JUST SAY HOW MARVELOUS THE CHAIRMAN looks today oh hello Chairman! What did you think of my humble proposal?"
There was a flurry of activity as everyone cancelled their votes again. They didn't want the Chairman to see them voting against him. The total was 1-0 Against.
"What're we voting on?" the Chairman grumbled, rubbing his head.
"M-my new regulations, sir..."
The Chairman mumbled something incomprehensible, then suddenly yelled.
"WHERE'S MY VOTING DOOHICKEY?"
"On... on the floor, sir..."
The Chairman looked down and picked it up.
"mumble grumble... It's stuck on Against! Why are these blasted things so complicated to change your vote on..."
After a minute of fiddling around, the display on the main screen said 1-0 For. Less than 30 seconds later, it was 100-0 For.
The vote was finally complete. The new regulations were in place.
The Chairman stepped up to the podium and grumpily announced that the measure had been approved.
That was when the velociraptors burst in, holding up their ID cards. Will Smith shoved the former Chairman aside, and laughed.
"All in favor of declaring me, Will Smith, as the new Chairman, and also as a velociraptor, please vote now."
The velociraptors charged at the assemblymen and grabbed their vote recorders. They all voted Yes.
Will Smith laughed, but his laughter was cut short as Will Smith dramatically flung open the doors on the other side of the chamber.
He was wearing sunglasses, a baseball cap, and various golden jewelry. The total cost of his ensemble was roughly six hundred credits.
"Yo, man!" he said. "I challenge you to a rap-off for the Chairmanship, in accordance with Article 234, Subsection 19, Paragraph 3B!"
"What? There's no such..."
The monitor suddenly displayed the article in question.
"Yeah there is. And any such challenge supersedes velociraptor orders. Now, are you gonna rap, or are you gonna forfeit right now and hand over the chairmanship?"
Will Smith nervously looked around the room. His velociraptors were looking at him with hungry eyes. It was clear that he couldn't appear weak in front of them.
"I accept your challenge!"
"Good. Then it's on!"
***
The contest was held in the town square. The entire colony had been woken up to watch it.
Will Smith made the first move.
"Now this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I'm gonna be your next Chairman
In west Philadalphia born and raised
Then I had some fun in my acting days
Had a TV show, played a cool teen
Then I made my way to the big screen
Life's cool, I got myself money and fame
Then all of a sudden everything turns lame
I get knocked out thanks to drugs in my food,
Next thing I know, I'm wakin' up nude
No cash, no nothing, just a lousy job
Workin' for some worthless slob
Everyone's got the same name as me
No clothes, no rights, but they tell us we're free
Will Smith over there, he's been usin' me
All this time he's been foolin' with my lady
Didn't like her much, but she was all that I had
'Cause everythin' in this town's been so goddamn bad
Now he's taken over and says he's a raptor
But when I'm done, he'll see that my rap tore
His plan to shreds and left him in the dust
I'll be in charge, my rule will be just
Sayin' it now, I'll be tough but fair
For the five minutes or so that I serve as Chair
Long enough so all the bad guys are banned
Then I'm gonna dissolve Will Smithland
Everyone here is gonna be free
I'll put an end to this tyranny
You can go back home, that's what I say
Once this place is back in the USA!"
There was a rousing cheer from the audience. Even the raptors applauded. Then it was Will Smith's turn. He faced the audience nervously.
"Uh.
My name is Will Smith and I beat my wife
But I'm gonna be Chairman for life
Goddammit I can't think of anything
I don't even know how to sing!"
There was no response. Not even a whimper.
"Looks like I win, Smith," Will Smith said, grinning. "Now, you'd better come along quietly. We're all gonna be gettin' dressed now, only you're gonna be wearing prison clothes."
And then Will Smith and Will Smith laughed as Will Smith was dragged off to a holding cell by two velociraptors.
***
Will Smith resumed his acting career.
Will Smith returned to comedy. Will Smith invited him to co-star in a film as a reward for his help, but he declined.
Will Smith was sent to jail for life, as were the Will Smiths who made up the Central Authority and had been responsible for its various attrocities.
Will Smith, Will Smith's wife, never saw her colony-husband again and went back to working at a McDonalds in Idaho.
Most of the other Will Smiths returned to the lives they had before, with some awkwardness.
The velociraptors, who were obviously all named Will Smith, took over NASA and ran it with a ruthless efficiency. They had started a colony on the moon within five years and called it New Will Smithland.
Will Jones was reanimated during the zombie apocalypse and became the charismatic leader of the zombies.
There's no reason for this | Or this | Death is inevitable | You can't challenge fate | The smallest change | I'm overwhelmed
I'm serious | It makes perfect sense | Easy as ABC! | I can't even explain it | Cleaning up someone else's mess
I suck | I rule | I've got it made | Really, I'm serious | This bugs me | It's all lies | I want to believe | Beauty is a curse
I'm serious | It makes perfect sense | Easy as ABC! | I can't even explain it | Cleaning up someone else's mess
I suck | I rule | I've got it made | Really, I'm serious | This bugs me | It's all lies | I want to believe | Beauty is a curse