The thread for flipping shits (and tables)

Cycling really rapidly through totally fine and severely depressed, which is tons of fun because its causing me to doubt my own perception and sense of reality! Also feeling super lonely and ignored on top of feeling a weird sense of pressure like i haven't done a bunch of things i need to, not unlike school stress. I want to lie on the floor and scream myself hoarse

My parents are gone, but my heart still feels numb.

I have 2 weeks remaining til my big project deadline, struggling to even finish it, forget about editing it

My piece of shit brain doesn't believe you gotta put food in the food chute at regular intervals to keep it running

Really wish it'd exercise healthy scepticism about something else

Folks may worry so like heads up: I did actually eat a substantial meal tonight and junk

I am learning that I cannot physically wake up at 7.30am (as I need to for work) without setting an alarm

This is irritating, much like how Chrome won't let me load any https pages

I can't even look up the problem by googling it lmao

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yuuuup. I just checked again thinking it'd be fixed after not being at work for a day and a half, but nope!

It's annoying because I can't googledocs or nothin', but I can at least focus on NaNo.

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Men are innately superior pongers, while women have a distinct advantage at pinging. Letting them play together would lead to significant imbalance.

Ok but which one of you's the table and which one of you's the tennis in this relationship

i'm the paddle

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SpoilerI'm feeling very self-conscious about my physical appearance and it's making me feel very unpleasant to look at, god awful feeling.

I hate having a crush on someone it's fucking terrible, it makes me feel so anxious and unattractive and i don't even like that person that much anymore but it's still making me feel like garbage. FUCK.

School is very expensive and i can't even look for a job anymore 'cause i spend so much time at school and doing homework and everything is hard as fuck, i don't even know for how long my mom will continue to give me money, i'm gonna have to find a job on December which is pretty impossible so i'll maybe work a temporary one like waitering or whatever, which will be hard as hell because my physical condition is absolute trash so i'm afraid i won't be able to endure a whole shift.

My brother and his family moved here and they're staying for like 3 months, fuck damn it. FUCKING plan your life a little better please, and leave.

I'm smoking again, i can't even begin to feel terrible about it because everything is stressful so fucking whatever. Also, i burned my mom's car with a cigarette and had to cover it up with a sticker, i'm hoping nobody will notice.

I lost appetite for the past two or three weeks but i'm feeling hungrier these days so i guess that's better.

I hate the stupid nonsense they teach at school, i basically won't see anything animation related until next August.

I feel sad because i'm fat and i'm assuming a lady i like doesn't find me attractive because of that WHY THE FUCK IS THAT IMPORTANT TO ME i have so much more important shit to worry about yet that's the only thing i want to type so much about, i fucking hate it, so much anxiety over something so trivial. I JUST WANT TO HAVE MONEY TO PAY FOR SCHOOL AND NOT WORRY about not being able to pay up next month. If I were a rich man, with a million or two, i'd live in a penthouse in a room with a view...
And if I were handsome, it could happen, cause dreams do come true, I wouldn't have nothin' if I didn't have you, wouldn't have nothin' if I didn't have, wouldn't have nothin' if I didn't have, wouldn't have nothin'

You and me together
That's how it always should be
One without the other
Don't mean nothin' to me, nothin' to me

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Well i'm not from America so i don't know if that's true or not (i'm guessing it's not) but here, my school is the only decent option for niche art-related careers, like animation. Right now i'm sharing classes with people from other careers, i really have no idea how education systems work but basically we're all seeing the same basic subjects during the initial year and I've noticed that there aren't really that many animation students.

But judging by the internet yeah there are quite a lot of animation students, i'm guessing that's because it's one of the illustration-like careers with more creative freedom, kinda. Everyone wants to make character designs for a living.

I'm not alright

I wish I was so I could be happy! Around people I care about instead of secondarily stressing that I'm an emotional leech and concluding the best course of action is to isolate myself until I magically feel happy again

please admire my panopticon of emotion-analogues, including and probably limited to:

self-destructive apathy
creative fervour to the point of excluding anything else
the "public image" package (not for individual resale): wit, grace, a veneer of self-confidence, the opposite of insufferability
vague/begrudging acknowledgement of biological needs
tamped down anger
a burning desire to lash out
elation (limited stock)
exhaustion
evasiveness
anxiety
guilt
existential dread
self-directed frustration
a gaping void where internal drive should be (adapter for external power source comes pre-packaged, but it's for casuals)

if you position the antennas just right and the wind's blowing the right way and the satellites are orbiting in the right spot, you can sometimes get a different channel to temporarily distract you from the above, good fuckin' luck landing it though

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how do I justify everyone else's full range of emotional expression as for the most part valid and good, while I'm sitting here like "you want to know how I'm doing? I don't trust myself to not dump every since-rendered-irrelevant bugbear and percolated-to-a-fine-grudge hangup I've accumulated since the last time I blew my emotional load on someone, on you so if you want more than a chipper "yeah I'm keepin' on", you're going to have to pry it out of me

(please for the love of god pry it out of me)

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I thought about self harming last night. I wouldn't draw blood doing it cuz I'm weaksauce and am super-averse to pain but contemplating active self-harm as opposed to my usual suite of not doing stuff as some kind of unspecified routine of punishment for being an understated disaster of an adult, I guess it was a change of pace

I settled for eating A Bread and resisting the urge to hack/rip apart a needle felting project I've partway completed

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It's a pinnacle of personal achievement honestly that people think of me as a happy, entertaining person to spend time with, Probably helps that I don't spend the bulk of my time socialising (work doesn't count but maybe I wouldn't be in this rut if it did)

I wish I could direct my socially suicidal tendencies outwardly, that I could shove my facade into fire and pressure and demonstrate its limitations (I want to hurt myself badly enough that I stop gritting my teeth and start screaming for help)

but I hate breaking things. The notion that I can irrevocably change the state of things is fucking terrifying, never stopped being terrifying and like all my other fears it never actually gets resolved or confronted, just painted over until a low mood like now dredges it back up pristine as the event horizon

but yeah instead of pushing my boundaries I retreat back into myself, ride it out until social connections die off, atrophy trumps apoptosis, and if the latter is inevitable (inexorably drawn as I am to emotional leechhood) then something something 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer?

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lmao And I get salty over Agen or the like getting soliloquic up ins the public spaces

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ahahahaha I'm not making a new post for this but I forgot to mention last night: when I'm in a stressful situation I normally start crying! This is mostly involuntary and I fucking hate it, because I'd rather keep talking about the stuff needed to resolve the situation but noooooooo people ask why I'm crying and if we need to pick this discussion up later. I can't even explain why I'm crying because tears on face is equivalent no longer being emotionally stable enough to continue in the discussion.

This is partly why I go out of my way to pre-emptively avoid stressful situations.

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Checking in from 1:30
My wish right now is the power to stop existing for preset chunks of time. I am tired of being tired but I apparently don't care enough to curl up and go to sleep at a good and reasonable hour

"Anxiety is the fear of the unknown forcing you into shitty but predictable paths"
- my therapist, today

I am a most pathetic excuse for a living creature, easily hurt and easily shaken, haha some fucker was mean to you on an mmo, hahahahahaha, too bad its literally all you have and can do to stop yourself from falling even deeper into a pit of self loathing! Hahahaha almost all of your self worth is based on beimg able to help people in your shitty video game, how utterly pathetic, remember that fucker who said those words youll never forget? Looks like he was right!

L M A O

Things can only get worse

Is "Nothing's going immediately wrong today but I can't shake the feeling things'd be better if I didn't exist" a normal thought exercise to have your brain stuck on, or no

i really don't like how my brain flips between "there might be something wrong in the future if i keep being lazy" and "oh god i remembered the situation i'm in and i haven't done anything to get out of it and i don't know what to do" with no grey area!! both of those modes don't help anything and i can't change anything!!

(i just remembered how i have spent the last few months doing absolutely nothing when i was supposed to be applying to jobs around town so that i have an excuse to not do school this coming term. i have about a month before the next term starts? i don't want dad to yell at me for not getting a job after saying i wanted to get a job so i could stop doing school)

also it's really hard to tell how much of this is me having depression like you guys think i do, and how much of it is me being impossibly lazy

i'm still just waiting for my medical coverage to change to a decent plan so i can be able to afford even talking to a doctor. it'd going to change at the start of the year. but something else that's going to start, early next year, is the next term of college, that i'm desperately trying to ignore exists still

Kit, this is clearly hurting you a lot and you don't want to not do the things? It makes no sense that you would be avoiding it if there weren't other mental health things stopping you

Trust me, its not your fault.

<Kitet> oh fun
<Kitet> dad decided we can go on a fast food run but only after i do some practice driving
<Kitet> being on the road, when i'm in the aftermath of an emotional breakdown, when i'm already horribly nervous while driving, is a fantastic idea!

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<Kitet> hey guys i'm back
<Kitet> i'm not dead but i wish i was!
<Kitet> next time dad asks to take me practice driving, i'm locking myself in my room.
<DragonFogel> I'm sorry to hear that.
<Kitet> oh wait i can't, he'll yell at me if i lock my bedroom doors
<Kitet> i'm not allowed to lock my room for any reason :)