Bud Muckman, International Archivist - An Adventure By Chwoka

So here's the deal. You're Bud Muckman, and you work in the International Archives.

What do you archive? Damn near everything. Every book, movie, song, and dance steps you can get your grubby little mitts on.

But there's a problem. See, you kinda messed up a little. You lost one of the movies in the archive, and it was the only copy in the world. And your bosses are sending over an auditor in just 24 hours to check that everything matches the lists.

There's one bit of good news is. Since this was the only remaining copy in the world, and it hasn't been watched in years, nobody's going to know what's actually in the movie. If you can quickly put together a film that matches the description, and stick the recording in the archives, your ass is safe. At least until the next audit.

You have a look at the description for the film. "A hopeless football team wins the championship with the help of a mysterious stranger."

Well, that'll be easy. All you need to do is get a hopeless football team and a mysterious stranger and rig a championship match, getting it all on film in the next 24 hours.

Thing is, even the hopeless football teams don't come cheap. So first things first. Where are you going to get the money?

Bet on the football

your royalties check from the book they made of your young life, the movie they made of the book, and the forum adventure they made of the movie

You're in this vast archive, a veritable ocean of information. There's got to be something in here you can make money from.

Look up "Card Counting 101" in the archives, watch it, and then go to the nearest casino and bet everything you own on Red 12.

Bet on the football

Good heavens, but isn't this putting the cart before the horse? You need money to get a team, and until you have one you won't have a team to bet on.

your royalties check from the book they made of your young life, the movie they made of the book, and the forum adventure they made of the movie

Sadly, you sank all of the money from the movie and book into the forum adventure, which actually hasn't made you any money back.

You're in this vast archive, a veritable ocean of information. There's got to be something in here you can make money from.

Of course, you should use the archive! But how?

Look up "Card Counting 101" in the archives, watch it, and then go to the nearest casino and bet everything you own on Red 12.

Well this is as good of a use of the archive as any. You watch the hour long documentary with fascination, only to discover that your previous conceptions regarding card counting have been misplaced. The best way to win is to rig the game and, why, if you're going to rig a football championship this will surely be good practice!

You set off to the most riggable casino in town, El Marionette. Unsure if it wants to be Spanish or French, this dive of a gambling establishment has simply settled on 'foreign.' It's full tonight, which is a mixed blessing. While the other clients may notice your actions, at least the staff won't be as focused on watching you. You sidle over to the roulette table, as nonchalant as a once famous archivist can be. You know you'll be betting on Red 12, but first you need to make sure that this bet's a winner. How do you do that?

get a tiny, surly fairy to weasel under the roulette wheel and tilt it

Manipulate everyone else into making bets on other numbers in such a way that Red-12 is actually the lowest possible payout by a significant margin. Nothing like getting the house to do your dirty work for you.

Easy, you just use a metal-filled roulette ball paired with a magnet hidden under the Red 12 space.

The only real question is how you're going to distract everybody while you get all the necessary pieces in place.

get a tiny, surly fairy to weasel under the roulette wheel and tilt it

Naturally, you've brought your pet weasel who can surely ferry several tiny wedges from around the casino under the roulette wheel.

Under quite short notice at that, your weasel has located and jammed a steak knife under the roulette wheel. Nobody seems to have noticed, except for the man who was eating the steak. Clearly understanding your situation and eager to help, the man threw his other utensils at your weasel.

You now have a tine-y weasel that surely ferries.

now win

win a soccer team instead of cashdollar

win a soccer team instead of cashdollar

The enemy soccer team.

now win

Yeah, your plan goes off without a hitch. The wheel lands on Red-12 just a moment after you make your bet. Well, maybe your ferret thinks it didn't go quite so smoothly, but whatever.

Regardless, it's time to collect your winnings and...

win a soccer team instead of cashdollar

Wait, what? The casino staff says you won too much and they can't pay it out right now. But you need the money fast! (Plus they're probably just making excuses.)

They offer you a soccer team as collateral and then kick you out because they're pretty sure every winner is a cheat.

Well, this is just great. The movie demands a football team, and it was American, so this soccer team isn't going to cut it. Then again, you do need a hopeless football team, so maybe these suckers can help you out.

You organize a quick practice match to see just how hopeless they are and... What the hell? These guys are the best football players you've ever seen! How are you supposed to make your phony movie with a team like this?

cut together a blooper reel of them playing but also parts where you throw the ball and it misses, then dress them up in different uniforms (the opponents) and cut together shots of them winning. be the mysterious stranger and go around filming yourself breaking their kneecaps (as their opponents) and then cut in the footage of them winning in their old uniforms with good knees against in the new ones with bad knees. movie magic!

That's no problem, they can just be the opponents of the hopeless loser team. Besides, getting the losers to come out ahead will be a lot easier if you already have their opponent's team in your pocket already.

Try to set up a quick game between your team and the local junior high.

If you throw footballs at the soccer team, they might, like, combine with them and turn into football players.

Or the footballs will burrow into them like leeches, resulting in the destruction of your soccer team at the hands of leather eggs.

cut together a blooper reel of them playing but also parts where you throw the ball and it misses, then dress them up in different uniforms (the opponents) and cut together shots of them winning. be the mysterious stranger and go around filming yourself breaking their kneecaps (as their opponents) and then cut in the footage of them winning in their old uniforms with good knees against in the new ones with bad knees. movie magic!

You aren't sure if you can perform that level of editing on such short notice, so you call in your friend for all things sorcerous - "Magic" Johnson. At first the retired basketball star is hostile and perturbed that you have his cell phone number, but after hearing your dire circumstances he agrees to help. Unfortunately, he informs you that movie editing magic is aligned with the element of 'air' and he hasn't gotten much of that since he retired. Rather than sidetrack yourself with a side plot involving a fifty five year old man's return to professional sports, you abandon this whole idea as stupid and delete his number from your phone.

That's no problem, they can just be the opponents of the hopeless loser team. Besides, getting the losers to come out ahead will be a lot easier if you already have their opponent's team in your pocket already.

Try to set up a quick game between your team and the local junior high.

This would work much better. Unfortunately, you don't have the number of any local junior high schools in your Rolodex. You'll need to challenge them in person.

If you throw footballs at the soccer team, they might, like, combine with them and turn into football players.

Or the footballs will burrow into them like leeches, resulting in the destruction of your soccer team at the hands of leather eggs.

You've already thrown footballs at them in your practice game and, well, I guess that first thing might have happened if not for the fact that it's far more likely that they're simply naturally athletic and talented individuals who are capable of accomplishing great things when they put their minds to it.

Well, head to the nearest junior high school then!

Use them as stunt doubles for the untalented teenagers you are going to pass off as the underdog team

Use them as stunt doubles for the untalented teenagers you are going to pass off as the underdog team

Oh, hey, that's even better than using them as the opponents. You can just sneak your real team into the championship once you find the right losers. You won't even need to do that much rigging because these guys will trounce the competition.

But first you're going to need some untalented teenagers to pass off as your team.

Well, head to the nearest junior high school then!

And that means heading for the nearest junior high school. You ask around at the casino, but people mostly wonder why you're looking for a junior high school at this time of night. You awkwardly explain that you're looking for a place nearby to enroll your kids and you want to visit the grounds as soon as possible. Maybe even camp out there overnight so you can get started on registering as soon as the place opens. That's totally not creepy in the slightest.

Eventually, someone gives you an address and directions. You head over there, but the school's closed so it's not like you can go hunting for losers right now.

So how are you going to pass the time until morning? You could just sleep, but you've got a time limit here and you've probably got other preparations to make for your big scheme.

set up arc lights and antique cameras

escape abbot island

isn't there anything in archives about how use time magic?

Summon a monkey to break in