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Dragon Fogel · 09-17-2012, 02:31 AM

The Egotist stared out into the multiverse, and saw countless beings thrown into interdimensional battles to the death.
"What an interesting idea," he mused. "Of course, if I were to run one, I'd do a far better job. It would put all the rest of these to shame."
And then he paused.
"I think I will do that. Naturally, I'll select all the combatants myself; there's no need to bother with Gentlemen, their choices wouldn't be as good as my own."
And so he looked through the multiverse for the best combatants he could think of.

Hello, I'm going to try doing a one-man Grand Battle, if only to give me something to write when I can't think of anything else.

Here are the profiles, whee!

Harold Sharpe

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The Elite Russian Bear Cavalry

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Nurrkel the Fifth (Shingles the Myrrhman)

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SpoilerName: Nurrkel the Fifth, AKA "Shingles the Myrrhman"
Gender: V'kkrn
Race: nrkk'V
Color: #078787
Biography: The nrkk'V consist of two castes: the V'kkrn and the v'kkrn. The V'kkrn are the dominant caste, and the rulers of the planet. By contrast, the v'kkrn serve as the servant caste, being genetically predisposed to follow all V'kkrn commands without question. The v'kkrn also give birth; the V'kkrn are technically capable of this, but consider it beneath them.
The two castes also serve, in effect, as genders; any newborn nrkk'V may be of either caste. As such, they do not follow a standard hereditary system; instead, there are a number of V'kkrn titles, and whenever a new generation of V'kkrn is born, they are assigned a title according to their birth order. Those born first in a season are the Hlothi, the absolute rulers of the planet; second are the Jktang, the Hlothi's primary advisors; and so on down the line, each new V'kkrn having less power than the previous, and v'kkrn simply being ignored.
In all of nrkk'V history, there have only been five birth cycles with enough V'kkrn to reach the House of Nurrkel. They are one of the lowest V'kkrn houses, and consequently they are considered barely more important than a v'kkrn.
Nurrkel the Fifth, naturally, was displeased with this. Aside from Ver own lowly position, Hlothi the Seven Billion, Eight Hundred Thirty-Nine Million, Six Hundred Twenty-Two Thousand, Four Hundred And Ninth was an incompetent ruler, and the entire nrkk'V homeworld was crumbling because of it. And yet Ve was honored for it!
Nurrkel had offered numerous suggestions, but they had all been flatly ignored, due to Ver low station. And so, finally, when Ve could not stand it any longer, Ve devised a plan.
Nurrkel would pose as a v'kkrn. Ve would find a way to get close to Hlothi, and then Ve would kill the ruler and take Ver place.
After careful observation, Nurrkel concluded that the simplest way would be to contaminate the myrrh supplies that served as Hlothi's favored meal. Ve assumed the guise of a Myrrhman, and took on the v'kkrn name of Shingles. Ve - no, wait, ve - then gathered up a large pile of myrrh.
And then, suddenly, ve was gone.
Description: Nurrkel is a large antlike creature. Normally Ve would be noteworthy for the shape of Ver antennae, but Ve had to remove them in order to complete the deception, as v'kkrn have their antennae removed soon after birth.
In Ver guise as Shingles, ve wears a Myrrman uniform, which consists of a large cloth tied around ver thorax. ve also has a large bucket filled with myrrh tied to ver back.
Nurrkel is extremely cunning and clever, and more than willing to manipulate someone else into going along with Ver plans. Ve has visions of prosperity for the entire nrkk'V race, but aside from bringing those plans to fruition, Ve only cares for Verself.
Weapons and Abilities: Nurrkel is considerably stronger than a human, and capable of carrying very heavy weights. Ve can also climb up the sides of surfaces.
Nurrkel is theoretically capable of giving birth if Ve finds another nrkk'V, but this is unlikely to come up.

Dout, the God of Skepticism

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SpoilerName: Dout
Gender: Male
Race: God of Skepticism
Text Color: Who says colors even exist? #456ABC certainly doesn't.
Biography: They said Dyt was the land of the gods, the place where they were born. This was, of course, nothing more than a silly rumor as there was no evidence of such a place ever existing, and of course the notion that there are or ever were gods is plainly ridiculous.
Indeed, after dozens of adventurers wasted countless hours and resources seeking out the place and most came back with nothing to show for it. Oh, there were stories, but they were clear fabrications by the adventurers to save face.
And so the public gradually became convinced that there was no Dyt and there were no gods to live there. This belief grew stronger as the adventurers seeking the place out became more and more desperate to fund their expeditions, restorting to crime or to deceiving wealthy donors.
The belief grew so strong that a god might have been born of it in Dyt if such a place existed, which of course it didn't.
And such a hypothetical god would be somewhat confused, being absolutely convinced that there was no Dyt and no gods, and therefore running around Dyt and telling the gods they didn't exist.
But of course, such a thing is clearly impossible and never happened at all, and it would be ridiculous to believe such a thing.
There is no Dyt, there are no Gods, and honestly I don't know whose silly idea it was to build this temple to "Dout" in the first place, or why I bother to come up here once a week and explain things everyone should already know.
These would be the words of Dout, God of Skepticism, if he really existed, which of course he doesn't. What exactly is the point of this religion, anyway?
Description: Dout does not exist. If he did, he would look like an ordinary human, completely normal in every way, and would not radiate light or dress ornately.
If Dout existed, as an incarnation of the people's skepticism, he would be highly dubious of any claim made with no strong and decisive evidence. Gods, magic, and interdimensional battles to the death clearly do not exist at all, and trying to suggest that they do is utter nonsense.
Abilities: Dout certainly does not have any divine abilities to manipulate doubts in others' minds, because he does not exist. If magic users existed and Dout did as well, he would hypothetically be able to cause them to disbelieve their own magic for a short time, rendering it useless. But of course, as there are no gods and no magic, this is pure speculation and nothing else.
Similarly, due to his nonexistence, Dout cannot cause locals to disbelieve in their own religion, nor is he able to affect someone's faith in anything, including their own skills. Any such powers he did exhibit would be temporary in effect, as Dout would be certain of his own non-existence, or at the very least of his lack of divine powers, and would simply attempt to dissuade the people through his words. His words might contain divine magic which actually alters their beliefs as long as he is there to suppress them and keep speaking, but divine magic clearly does not exist.

Super Robo City

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SpoilerName: Super Robo City
Gender: None
Race: City filled with robots
Color: Bolded gray
Biography: Super Robo City used to be Robo City, where robots ruled and hated humans. It was designed as some sort of artificial intelligence experiment in leaving the robots on their own, with a number of failsafes in place in case they turned out to go crazy or something over the course of the ten-year experiment.
Just before the ten years were up, a guy named Zaire teleported in, along with seven dead guys (or eight, if you count the one who was two dead guys) who he was forcing into a battle to the second death. The city went crazy because the dead guys were all humans and most of them still looked like it. However, two robot priests were convinced that one of the humans was their prophecied savior, so they captured him alive so he could save them.
Then a lot of crazy things happened, and the prophecied savior stopped the city from blowing up. And then a powerful robot with extradimensional teleportation abilities named the Monitor decided that the city was a neat place, so he took it away and took advantage of prophecies in the existing religion to set himself up as their God, the Server.
He was going to use the new, enhanced Robo City as a round in one of his battles, but then another extradimensional entity stole his contestants right before the round began.
And before the Monitor could think of what to do with the city now that his contestants had been taken to a different round entirely, it vanished.
Description: Super Robo City is a city filled with highly devout robots. Many still resent humans, and organic beings in general, but there is a growing movement for peaceful coexistence, primarily lead by the church.
The robots have a wide variety of shapes and abilities, but are mostly combat-oriented. Most of them are highly devout, especially as the appearance of the Server was so recent; they are eagerly awaiting another message from him, expecting new duties in his service. They are unlikely to recieve such a message, however.
There have always been two primary branches in the city's government, those being the military and the church; both sides frequently disagree, but both have comparable spheres of influence. The city's leader, the Singularity, has been responsible for making decisions and has heard countless arguments between the two factions; officially, it has the final say in all decisions.
Unofficially, the two factions tend to try to do things their way regardless of the Singularity's division.
After the Great Download, at first it appeared the arguments would cease; however, the increased presence of organics caused by being pulled into a battle to the death is likely to revive this schism.
Abilities: Super Robo City's primary ability is having a lot of robots in it. They can send them out to scout the area, or to attack; exactly which one ends up happening generally depends on whether it was the military or the church who sent the probe.
Super Robo City's other powers include being an entire city.

Tulip Johnson

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The 24-7 Gang

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SpoilerName: The 24-7 Gang: Bobby Banks, Robyn Banks, Robespierre Banks, Roberta Banks, Rupert Banks (No relation)
Gender: Male, Female, Male, Female, Male
Race: Human, the whole lot of them
Text Color: 009900, dollar-bill green
Description: The 24-7 Gang are a family of thrill-seeking gangsters who have dedicated their lives to robbing banks, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. If this means hopping on a bankplane to another continent, and robbing it in the process, then so be it!
The Banks family wear their masks at all times, at least when they're on the job - rumor has it they wear them in private, too, but this rumor has no basis in reality.
Bobby is a somewhat bulky man in his late thirties wearing a purple ski mask. Most news stories on the gang identify him as the leader, but in all honesty, he's not very bright and is well aware of this. He does enjoy the publicity, though. He's very protective of his family, though you'd have a hard time getting him to admit this in public - or in private, for that matter.
Robyn is a slim woman, slightly older than Bobby, wearing a red mask. She's the true leader of the gang, and Bobby's wife; she admires him mostly because he's very good at doing what she says. She tends to constantly issue orders to the family even during downtime.
Robespierre is a thin, even scrawny, teenage boy in a light blue ski mask. He loves pulling pranks, and it doesn't matter to him whether he pulls them on bank security guards or on his own family.
Roberta, the youngest, is an eight-year old girl wearing a pink ski mask and a frilly pink dress instead of the black jackets and pants the rest of the family wear. She always talks in a very cutesy voice, and is usually holding a doll or stuffed animal of some kind; she's gathered a rather large collection, but every week or so she picks a different one as her "favorite" and will never be seen without it, until next week when she tosses it back with the others.
Rupert is the only member of the gang not to wear a mask; he wears formal attire and is a man in his fifties or sixties with grey hair and an immaculately-trimmed mustache. He is always polite and has a slight British accent - at least, when he's not posing as someone on a job. He is very loyal to the family, and acts as something of a butler to them, as well as a tutor to the children.
Weapons/Abilities: Each member of the gang has their own specialty.
The main advantages Bobby brings to the team are his imposing build, and his ability to yell in a loud and booming voice. He tends to act as the muscle and/or a distraction, depending on what the heist calls for.
Robyn specializes in planning out the gang's heists, and she's an excellent shot with a gun. In addition, she's an expert at breaking into and hotwiring vehicles whenever the current one gets too hot to handle; past thefts include motorcycles, armored trucks, police cars, tanks, ocean liners, and a space shuttle that one time.
Robespierre's light build makes him good at sneaking around unnoticed, and he has a grappling hook, infrared goggles, and a harness to help him make use of this to get into hard-to-access areas unseen. In addition, he's the family pickpocket, and usually the one called on when they need to get a keycard or somebody's ID in a hurry. He also loves pulling pranks, as mentioned before, and can never resist pulling at least one trick while he's on a stealth mission. He has a few props for this purpose, such as sneezing powder and whoopee cushions, but he's also not afraid to improvise.
Roberta is the family's tech expert, and also has a knack for picking locks. She's remarkably adept at hacking, although she tends to give her stuffed-animal-of-the-week credit for that.
Finally, Rupert is a master of disguise, which may explain his willingness to go without a mask the rest of the time - it's not as if it would help security to recognize him. He's also something of a jack-of-all-trades, having previously shown an affinity for such diverse tasks as demolitions, safecracking, martial arts, cooking, laundry, vehicle repair, software engineering, and skydiving.
In addition, at the time of abduction, the family had stolen an armored van and loaded their most valuable belongings into it, among them changes of clothes, various gear for heists (including weapons), Roberta's doll and stuffed animal collection, and Robespierre's props.
Biography:
WANTED
For various counts of bank robbery, grand theft auto, grand theft vehicles in general, hacking, pickpocketing, con games, and jaywalking

The first major sighting of the criminals known as the 24-7 Gang happened about sixteen years ago. Their first recorded heist was a raid on the First Church of Mammon National Bank, conducted by a man and woman in their mid-twenties and an older man posing as a priest. Over the course of the evening, the trio stole $400,000 in cash and an armored car, as well as an estimated $15,000 in "gifts" from bystanders forced into acting as "guests" for a wedding between the younger thieves.

The only clue left behind was a marriage certificate in the names Bobby Banks and Robyn Banks; authorities believe these to be assumed names. A few witnesses reported that the older man was referred to as "Rupert"; it is currently unknown what connection he has to the younger couple, but there are reports of an identity thief using the name Rupert Banks 30 years ago. Digital imaging suggests the older criminal could be the same man, but this remains unconfirmed.

The Gang has acquired their nickname by engaging in a constant string of robberies since then; they immediately move across the globe from one bank to the next without a break. Furthermore, approximately nine months after that heist, the young couple was observed with a baby. It is unknown whether this boy was kidnapped or is the biological child of the "Banks" family, but in the intervening years this "Robespierre Banks" has grown up and assisted the 24-7 Gang with their heists, usually through stealthy maneuvers.

Approximately eight years ago, the Gang grew by another member; once again, this was a child. Again, it is unknown whether she was kidnapped by the Gang or born to them. She is known to the public only as "Roberta Banks". She appears to be quite talented with computer systems, and appears to have conducted a number of successful hacking attempts, but we have little knowledge of any other crimes she has conducted under the guidance of her criminal parents.

Please contact the local authorities if you have any knowledge that could lead to the arrest of these dangerous criminals...

Bobby Banks put the poster down.
"Dang!" he said to his wife. "The bounty's up to eight digits. Almost temptin' to turn somebody in." He turned to Robespierre in the backseat. "I hope you keep that in mind when you think about skippin' on your homework, son. It might be a few days before we can get you out otherwise."
"Aw, Dad!" Robespierre sighed. "I only forgot to research the security systems once, can't you let it go already?"
"Maybe when the laser burn stops feelin' so sore," Bobby grumbled.
"Shut up, Bobby!" Robyn growled at him. "We ain't turnin' the kids in. Now make yourself useful and help me find a good landin' spot."
"Sorry, dear," Bobby sighed, turning back. He looked carefully at the Tower of Banking ahead. "Don't see a helipad... But I don't see any guards, either."
"I would imagine not, sir," said a voice in the back seat. "There is little air at this elevation, and thanks to an error in the shipping company's records, the new air tanks they were supposed to receive yesterday were diverted to the Sixty-Third National Bank."
Rupert smiled at Roberta, who sat beside him.
"I must say, it was highly convenient for us, wasn't it? Security here lacks proper breathing equipment for the upper levels, and we were able to pick it up at our last stop."
"You can thank Sir Toothingsburg for that," Roberta said, holding up a stuffed alligator. "He's the best!"
"Quit yappin', everyone," Robyn said. "I gotta be careful landin' this thing. You all remember what happened last time we came by copter."
Everyone was quiet as Robyn landed on the roof. They climbed out and Rupert handed out the air tanks.
"Right. Listen up, everyone!" Robyn shouted, as she adjusted her breathing mask. "This here's the tallest bank in the world. And we're gonna clean it out from top to bottom! Everyone remembers the plan, right?"
"Yes, madam."
"Yeah, mom, geez..."
"I do, Mommy! I do!"
"Uh... could you run it by me again, honey?"
Robyn glared at her husband.
"All you gotta do is head to the elevator, go down to the first floor, and cause a ruckus," she sighed. "We'll pick you up when it's over. Just don't do anything too stupid and you'll be fine. Nothing's gonna go wrong here."

"Tonight's top story: The 24-7 Gang has struck again! This morning, they conducted a daring raid on the recently-erected Tower of Banking, in which they reportedly stole cash and valuables from every single floor and commandeered an armored car for their escape. And then something strange happened: once all five members of the gang entered the vehicle, it disappeared in a flash of light.
"Police had no comment on this development, nor on the fact that the Gang has not conducted any robberies in the six hours following the incident - a rare occurrence. We'll have more details as the story develops."

Ventriloquist

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SpoilerName: Ventriloquist
Race: Lab-created human
Gender: Male (some parts female)
Text Color: A stylish purple.
Biography: Ventriloquist was created in a laboratory by scientists who respected his basic rights as a sentient being. He was part of a strange initiative known as "Project Bodysnatcher"; there were a number of experiments much like him, capable of switching their body parts around and stealing body parts from other people.
Ventriloquist's specialty was stealing mouths. However, early in the experiment, he found that whenever he stole someone's mouth, he also stole their mind. Generally they didn't appreciate this and would tell him as much, but something about the process made them cooperative anyways; they'd keep quiet if he told them to, and would otherwise help him out.
Anyhow, despite not being mistreated in any way, Ventriloquist found the lab boring. So, with the help of a scientist whose mouth he had stolen, he quietly escaped one night.
The night after that, the rest of the Bodysnatchers vanished.

Over the next few months, Ventriloquist lived on the street, grabbing the occasional mouth just out of boredom. After a while, he found out that some of his stolen mouths had lost other body parts before he came along. This lead him to seek out the other members of Project Bodysnatcher; he remembered that they were all a bunch of jerks, and didn't want them causing trouble.
After a few run-ins with the other experiments, he began to suspect that there was something more sinister at work behind their robberies. However, before he could investigate, he was called in to enter a battle to the death.

Weapons and Abilities: Ventriloquist is able to steal a person's mouth. In doing so, he steals their mind as well.
The mouth retains the original personality attached to it, but becomes inherently loyal to Ventriloquist.
Ventriloquist can also move the mouths around, and in fact, he can swap parts of his body easily. He can place a specific mouth on his face to speak with the voice and mannerisms of that person.
Any mouth attached to him also develops a very strong bite; he's not going to be biting through hard metal, but he can really tear up softer things. Such as human flesh.
He also has a strong sense of style, and doesn't do too well in water.

Description: Ventriloquist looks like a stylishly-dressed man in his late 20s. He also has mouths up and down his arms, but usually he wears a shirt over them.
Ventriloquist is pretty laid-back. He was treated well at the lab, so he doesn't tend to get mad easily. He also doesn't have strong principles, though; usually when he does something, it's just because he got bored.
His other mouths are more opinionated, and will often make recommendations to him; usually he ignores them until he's bored, though.

Dragon Fogel · 09-18-2012, 04:15 AM

The Egotist had made his choices. Naturally, they were the best ones.
He snapped his fingers, and the lights went out.
"Apparently this reality can't keep my commands straight," he muttered. He clapped his hands instead, and the chosen combatants appeared before him.
"That's more like it," he said to himself. Then he prepared to speak to his captive audience.
"Greetings! You may be wondering where you are and what you're doing here. Well, that's simple enough. I'm holding the greatest battle of all time, and you're all going to fight in it. You can thank me later for the privilege of being a part of it."
Wow, Aaron's really hamming it up, Harold thought. I'm jealous, at least he gets to play a different role each time.
"Before that, however, I should introduce you all to each other." A spotlight appeared from nowhere and illuminated Harold. "First, we have Harold Sharpe. He may look like a simple bearded swordsman, but don't be fooled: he's been in seven of these battles before, and he's won every single one of them. Of course, they weren't as good as mine will be; this one, I'm sure, will be a more suitable challenge."
Yep, starting with me. Again. Oh well, at least now I get to find out who else is in it.
A second spotlight rose and revealed a dozen soldiers riding bears.
"Next, we have the Elite Russian Bear Cavalry. These twelve brave men ride their possibly-immortal bears in the name of the Czar, even after the Russian monarchy fell. They are fiercely loyal to Mother Russia, and their bears are simply fierce. They also love their vodka."
These guys must be the comic relief. They'll be out by Round Three at the latest. Plus most of them are just extras anyways, always happens with the big groups.
Another spotlight rose, revealing a large antlike creature.
"And here we have Nurrkel the Fifth, a V'kkrn of the nrKk'V. That's with a capital V, very important to remember. Ve - again, capital V, don't use a small one - is quite the schemer, and that body is also much stronger than a human's. You should be careful around Ver."
There's always a monster. I'm probably supposed to act like she... sorry, Ve... is obviously terrible, and then Ve turns out to be a nice giant ant, maybe dies heroically saving me from the villain. Could go either way, really.
The next spotlight revealed an ordinary guy.
"This unassuming fellow is Dout, the God of Skepticism. Of course, he'll tell you he isn't, and in fact that this entire battle isn't happening because it's clearly impossible. Don't expect magic to work too well on him."
I know how this is going to work. He starts out friendly, ends up being a bad guy. Probably the main villain in the second half, after I take out the obvious one.
The fifth spotlight was blindingly bright.
"Oh, my apologies. Let me shrink that to a more manageable size for the moment."
With a wave of his hand, the light dimmed and revealed a miniature city.
"This is Super Robo City. It is populated entirely by robots, most of whom despise organics. It used to be the second round of another, less interesting battle. Then a lesser Grandmaster claimed it for his own purposes and was going to hold a round there, but that didn't work out. I decided that I could put it to better use than him. Oh, yes, to be clear on one point; it will be full-sized when the battle actually starts."
Okay, these guys are going to be the schemers. Early on we'll see 'em plotting, occasionally they'll send a robot out... probably Round Four will be when I take 'em out, fighting through a whole army of robots. I bet I'll start thinking of the robots as humans just before the end, and make peace, then Dout pulls the plug and establishes himself as the real villain here.
The sixth spotlight revealed a large butterfly made entirely out of tulips.
"Next we have Tulip Johnson. She appears to be a very confused spirit possessing a flower arrangement. She's determined to win the prize, even if she doesn't remember exactly what it's a prize for. Oh, and you may want to bear in mind the Butterfly Effect around her."
Okay, she's totally the fake comic relief. Partway through I get her to remember who she was and she helps me out. I hope they don't turn her human and make her the love interest, though; that would be overplayed even for this series.
The seventh spotlight shone on an armored car.
"This vehicle houses the 24-7 Gang, a notorious family of bank robbers who have made a career out of it. They work on commiting crimes twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and they're very good at it. No doubt being pulled into another dimension will not slow down their crime spree at all."
Comic relief villains. They'll spend the first round or two being manipulated by Robo City, I bet. If they last longer, Dout might use them to do his dirty work. But nah, they'll totally be out in Round Two or Three, probably when Robo City turns on them.
The final spotlight turned on, revealing a stylishly-dressed man.
"Say hello to Ventriloquist. He may look like an ordinary human, but don't be fooled; he was created in a laboratory, and he has the power to steal mouths. And he steals minds along with them. He can also switch his own body parts around, including the mouths he's stolen."
Hmm, tough read here. Don't think he's going to be yet another villain, though; we've already got one obvious and two likely ones. I might be on his tail for, say, half of Round One, then he'll be my sidekick until he dies. Probably in the second half.
"Well, now. I hope you remembered my explanations; my time is far too valuable to spend it on repeating myself. And now it's time for the first round."
With a wave of the Egotist's hands, the contestants vanished, and then reappeared in front of a large castle.

"Welcome, fighters, to the Kingdom of Giam! They are the most magically-advanced nation in the world, a reputation which has only been enhanced with the aid of the Elements stored within their castle. For some time now, they've been at war with the neighboring Kingdom of Nescin, which has the most advanced technology on this world. As you might guess, then, the Giamites will not take kindly to the sight of any unfamiliar technology, believing it to be of Nescinian origin. Enjoy yourselves!"
And with that, everyone was transported once more, spread throughout the kingdom.
The Damnable Fisticuffs had begun.

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Dragon Fogel · 09-21-2012, 03:40 AM

"Dammit!" Robyn grumbled as she stepped out. "This whole thing's gettin' in the way of our next heist!"
"True, madam," Rupert replied, pulling some moneybags out of the back. "But it also presents an intriguing opportunity."
"Whaddaya mean?" Bobby asked. "And what are you doing with the loot?"
"It is highly unlikely that a battle in an entirely new world will accept any currency from our world," Rupert replied. "We will be better off clearing space for new acquisitions."
Bobby scratched his head.
"Robyn, honey," he asked, "what'd Rupert just say?"
Robyn sighed.
"It's simple, dear," she grumbled. "Just like you. See, what Rupert's getting at is, there's new loot to steal in this kingdom. So he's making room for it all."
"Oh!" Bobby beamed. "Great idea, glad I thought of it. So, uh, what are we stealin'?"
"Daddy, weren't you paying attention to the mysterious voice?" Roberta piped up. "He said the castle has some Element things. I don't know what those are, but Mr. Fluffertail says they're probably really valuable!"
"She's got a point," Robespierre commented, searching through his pockets. "Even if we can't do much with these Elements, I bet the king would pay a good price to get them back."
"Smart thinkin', kids," Robyn said proudly. "But we're gettin' a little ahead of ourselves. We'll need to know the lay of the land first. Can't even see the castle from here! And we've got no idea where they keep the goods, or how well they're guarded."
"I concur, madam," Rupert agreed, putting down the last bag of loot. "I believe preliminary scouting is in order."
"Right. Rupert, you disguise yourself as a local... wait, no, we don't know what they wear. Okay, Robespierre, you're good at staying hidden. We need you to go find a local and see what they wear, then come back and tell Rupert. Maybe grab an outfit while you're at it, just don't get caught."
"Got it, mom," the teenage thief replied. "Should be easy enough." He ran off.
"That's a good boy. Now, we've also got this whole battle to deal with. Roberta, honey?"
"Yes, mom?"
"Do you think you... I mean, Mr. Fluffertail... could get into that robot city's systems? That could give us a real leg up on the competition."
"Well, Mr. Fluffertail would have to actually get a closer look at their systems," Roberta said thoughtfully. "They might be really hard to figure out. But he thinks it's worth a try, at the very least he'll probably be able to give us visuals from some of their optical sensors."
"Good." Robyn then sighed as she saw her husband's puzzled expression. "That means we'll be able to see what they see."
"Oh! I get it. Mr. Fluffertail's real smart, pumpkin. I'm sure he can figure it out, with your help anyways."
Roberta beamed.
"Thanks, Daddy! I'll do my best!"
"Great." Robyn looked around thoughtfully. "So here's what we're doing. Rupert, you wait back here for Robespierre, then head out in disguise. Tell him to come along with you. Meanwhile, I'm going to drive Roberta and Mr. Fluffertail around to find the city; shouldn't be too hard to spot. Bobby, you're coming with us, just in case there's trouble."
"What are you talking about, honey?" Bobby said with a grin. "Of course there's going to be trouble! And that trouble's name is the 24-7 Gang!"
Robyn laughed.
"Well said, darling. Now let's roll!"

Dragon Fogel · 09-22-2012, 03:49 AM

We're already shooting the first round? It feels like we just did the introduction, Harold mused. Everything in between is just a blur.
"Another battle," Harold muttered, looking directly at one of the trees; no doubt that was where they'd hidden the camera. They'd come a long way with the sets since the shoestring budget of the first film; if he didn't know better, he'd swear he was in a real forest.
It even smelled like one. Probably to encourage more realism in the acting, or some such nonsense. Seemed like something of a waste of money to Harold, but then, it wasn't his money in the first place.
Right, now... Usually I begin by cursing the Grandmaster...
"Accursed Subjugator!" he shouted. "Yet again, I've been taken from my home. Seven times now, I've gone through hell and back - literally, in three cases - only to be pulled into another battle within a year! When will this cycle end? Must I die in order to escape at last?"
That's done; now I need to establish what I'm doing in the first round. No doubt they want me to misunderstand the monstrous one, Nurrkel.
"But my vengeance upon you will have to wait. Among my opponents is a horrendous monster, and I cannot allow it to threaten the people of this land.
Nurrkel the Fifth! I swear by my blade, I shall end your reign of terror!"
Good, good. And now that I've loudly announced my intentions to challenge one contestant, no doubt I'll suddenly be attacked by a different one. Probably one of the comic relief entrants, so either the bank robbers or...
Harold's train of thought was suddenly interrupted by a large Russian bear charging right into him.
"Where is rest of company?" the bear's rider muttered, completely oblivious to the bearded swordsman his mount had just knocked to the ground. "Did they all take wrong turn?"

Dragon Fogel · 09-22-2012, 04:37 AM

Show Content

Jack O'Lanton was worried. The way the war had been going, he was worried about being drafted into the Magic Corps. He wasn't the best mage, but the rumors had it that Giam was planning on a major expansion, and they'd take anyone who could use a wand.
So when there was a knock on his door these days, the first thing he did was cast a simple scrying spell to see who it was. The stranger on his doorstep now was unusually dressed, but he hardly looked like a government official. Jack decided to take a chance.
"Hello?" he said, opening the door. "How can I help you, stranger?"
"You can tell me where I am," Dout said grimly. "I do not recognize this land at all."
"Er, this is the village of Pyre," Jack said, confused. "We're a small town in the province of Ignos."
"The province of Ignos?" Dout asked. "And what, might I ask, is it a province of?"
"It's a province of Giam, the Kingdom of Magic," Jack replied. "We're mostly fire mages around here. You don't look Nescinian, where are you from?"
"Certainly not Dyt," Dout replied. "That place does not exist. Regardless, that is irrelevant; what matters is that you are apparently suffering under the delusion that magic exists."
"Er... What?" Jack asked, confused.
"The whole idea of magic is that you can produce energy from sheer willpower! Utter nonsense, a blatant violation of the laws of thermodynamics. Clearly any 'fire mages' you may have witnessed are con men or illusionists."
"Oh, we don't get many illusionists out here," Jack said. "You want one of those, you should head to Imaj, one province over. That's where they work on illusion magic."
"You are not listening," Dout said with a sigh. "Let me be more clear. Magic cannot and does not exist."
"Oh yeah?" Jack said with a grin. "If it doesn't exist, then explain this!"
He raised his arm and pointed it at a nearby shrub. The shrub very pointedly did not burst into flame.
"Explain what?" Dout asked. "Are you under the delusion that you can 'cast a spell', as they call it? Preposterous. Tell me, you said this was a Kingdom of Magic? Am I to understand, then, that the entire kingdom believes in this nonsense?"
Confused, Jack simply nodded and stared at his hand.
"Well! Then I have my work cut out for me," the non-god declared. "I need to find whoever's in charge here and set them straight."
"That would be the king," Jack muttered absently. "He's smack dab in the middle of the country."
"Thank you. I wish you the best in recovering from your delusions, young man."
And with that, the God of Skepticism wandered off, just moments before Jack realized that whatever had just happened was his ticket out of the draft.
Dout heard the cheers behind him and smiled. It was rare that his efforts to educate people were met with such enthusiasm. He was pleased.
So pleased that it only bothered him a little when he slipped on a carefully-placed banana peel a moment later.

Dragon Fogel · 09-23-2012, 01:56 AM

For a moment, Nurrkel thought Ve heard someone in the distance shout Ver name. But whoever it was did not come closer, so Ve ignored it and turned Ver thoughts to Ver opposition.
Ve was annoyed that Ve had been taken to this battle while Ve was in disguise, but then Ve had an idea. Ve could claim to be Shingles the Myrrhman, taken by mistake; after all, Nurrkel the Fifth was a V'kkrn name, but ve was clearly a v'kkrn. Why, ve had no antennae! And why would a V'kkrn be carrying unprocessed myrrh? Such a lowly task was only suited for a v'kkrn.
By hiding Ver true nature, Nurrkel would gain the confidence of the others, learn their weaknesses, and then Ve would strike mercilessly.
Nurrkel rubbed Ver forelegs together eagerly. Ve was pleased with this plan. Then Shingles the Myrrhman headed to the nearby forest, to find whoever had called out the name of one of ver betters. Or so ve would say if asked, at least.

Show Content

Tulip flew around absentmindedly. All she remembered was that the bearded guy had won seven times, and she wasn't going to let that stop her. The prize was hers!
"He may have seven prizes, but this one's mine! You hear me? Mine!" she shouted at the nearest peasant-mage, who was very confused.
"What is this? A new species of monster? And it talks? What sort of magic could have created you?" he mused.
"I'm not a monster! I'm Tulip! And I'm going to win the prize!"
"Well, er, good luck then," the mage said awkwardly. Then he had a thought.
"Oh, actually! I know where the, er, finish line? Yes, I know where the finish line is. Would you like me to show it to you?"
"The finish line? Yes! That's right, if I cross the finish line first, I win the prize! Great! Show me where it is!" Tulip exclaimed.
"Right this way," the mage said. He walked around the village, and entered a tiny hut. Then he lead the flower-butterfly to a large cage.
"The finish line is in there," he said.
"Hooray!" Tulip shouted, flying straight in. "That prize is mine!"
The door slammed shut, and suddenly everything went dark.
"Hello? Where is everyone? Where's the finish line? Where's my prize?"
But the mage couldn't hear her. The large cloth he had just thrown over her cage magically dampened all sound.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the mage chuckled to himself, as he began drafting his letter to the Giam Monster Research Institute. "It looks like I'll be claiming the prize instead."

Dragon Fogel · 09-26-2012, 03:44 AM

Ventriloquist yawned.
"So. Fighting some guys. That sounds fun, what do you guys think?" he asked the mouths on his left arm.
"I would recommend finding a nonviolent solution," said the mouth of Father Dimley.
"You always say that," growled Jefferson "Nails" Thugglo. "I say we go bust some heads."
"And how'd that attitude work out for you, Nails?" Detective Scumm asked. "We caught you, what, six times? You just rush in and don't think. Sure, sometimes you gotta fight, but not without scopin' things out first."
"You guys are boring," Ventriloquist grumbled. "Why do I keep you around, anyways? You're just crampin' my style."
"It's okay, Vinnie dear," Louise called out from his right shoulder. "We're here for you if you need it."
"Thanks babe. Now let's see, where to begin... oh yeah! That guy said something about how this is a kingdom of magic. Maybe I can grab a mouth that knows some magic words!"
"That would be sinful mmph"
"Shaddup, Padre. I don't know why I don't zip you more often. So let's see who we can find around here."
Ventriloquist carefully slipped into a dark passage between two huts, and waited. A long-bearded wizard with an even longer scroll walked over to one of the huts, and knocked.
"Yes?" said the hut's owner grumpily. "What do you want?"
"Maximus Smith-Mason-Gardener?" the wizard asked.
"Smith-Mason-Gardener-Smythe," he grumbled in response. "Wait a minute. You're here to draft me, aren't you?"
"You will be of great service to your country, Mr. Smith-Mason-Gardener-Smythe. We need as many mages in good health as we can find..."
"Yeah, well, I'm afraid I'm sick. Sick of seeing your ugly face."
He slammed the door shut. The wizard sighed.
"I'll grab him on the way back," he muttered. "I have a schedule to keep."
He walked over towards the other house, grumbling.
His mouth didn't make it all the way over there.

Dragon Fogel · 09-28-2012, 04:03 AM

The Elite Russian Bear Cavalry has never been bested in battle. This feat would be more impressive if they had ever managed to actually find their way to a battlefield.
Directions were not their strong suit; there had never been much of a need to learn navigation in Siberia, because there was nowhere to actually go. As such, the introduction of actual landmarks presented a unique challenge for the Bear Cavalry. Six of the men had gotten lost trying to find a path around the first tree.
"This will not do," Commander Nikoya Dochinsky growled. "What would czar say if he knew half of elite company lost?"
"Czar would say, 'Hooray! Now I can cut budget in half!'" Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov replied, chuckling. The commander was not amused.
"What is funny, Ivanov? Is funny to leave Siberia undefended while we fight for lives? Is funny that company cannot stay together for twenty seconds? Is funny that we are trapped in strange land where they might not even have vodka? Ha ha. Am laughing so hard, Ivanov. Maybe you have future in comedy."
Ivanov gulped nervously.
"Am sorry, Commander," he said.
"Good man. Now, we need plan. First problem, we need to reunite company. To do that, we need base of operations, so lost men have place to go. So we find base of operations and then regroup."
The men saluted.
"How we find base of operations, Commander?" Ivanov asked.
"That is good question, Ivanov. And answer is, you find base of operations. Right now!"
"Yes sir!" Ivanon shouted. He rode his bear off into the forest.
"That is good man," the commander said approvingly. "I hope he finds way back here."

***

The bears were going to be my next guess, Harold mused. I'd have expected more than one of them, though.
The seven-time champion picked himself up. The bear had hit him a bit hard, but perhaps the actors inside it were just overly enthusiastic. His armor was good enough to take the blow, anyhow.
Have to say, the costume department's done wonders, as usual. That bear looks amazing. If I didn't know better, I'd say it was real. In any case, he's definitely meant to be an honorable warrior, if still comic relief.
He cleared his throat. Yuri Nikanoslav turned in surprise.
"Excuse me, my good sir," Harold said. "You should be careful where you steer that bear. You nearly ran me over."
"Am sorry," Nikanoslav replied. "Am not used to pedestrians. For five years now, have only seen other bear riders."
"It's quite all right," Harold said calmly. "Just a bear, after all. Where are you headed?"
It was then that Nikanoslav realized he had no idea. Of course, it would hurt the reputation of the Bear Cavalry if he simply admitted that to a stranger.
"Is secret mission!" he declared. "Cannot say more. Very important, very hush-hush."
His bear growled.
"See? Tolstoy thinks am telling you too much already. You never saw me here. Goodbye."
He rode off before Harold could say another word, but his escape was short-lived; it was less than a minute before his bear ran headfirst into Ivanov's.
And now we've got a slapstick duo, Harold mused.

Dragon Fogel · 09-29-2012, 09:32 PM

The city was in a panic. They had been separated from the Server with no warning; many devoted robots wondered if they had angered Him.
This soon gave way to wondering if those robots with a different function in the next sector over had angered Him and the entire city was being punished for their sins.
Fortunately, the Singularity was programmed to handle such situations. It did not speak often, generally prefering direct electronic interfacing; but when it did speak, all robots in the city were programmed to obey.*
The enormous robot lumbered over to the nearest broadcasting terminal. It would need to reach the entire city at once.
But just as it was about to order the populace into calming down, it froze in place. As did all of the citizens. The image of an unfamiliar organic graced the city's numerous screens.
"Greetings! You may be wondering where you are and what you're doing here..." the Egotist began.
And then he explained. He explained that he had taken the city, and that they were now in competition with a total of twenty-two organics.
After the introduction had finished, and the city had been transported once again, the city began to move again. The panic had subsided; the accusations of heresy died down.
This was not to say the city was calm; merely that the nature of the disruption had changed.
"Terminate the organics!"
"Who is this organic who would steal from our holy Server?"
"What does it matter? Destroy the organics and win his inefficient contest!"
The Singularity had heard enough. It reached for the broadcast terminal.
"ALL UNITS WILL RETURN TO NORMAL DUTY AT ONCE," it declared. "THE COUNCIL WILL DECIDE OUR NEXT COURSE OF ACTION. ALL NON-COUNCIL UNITS WILL MAINTAIN SILENCE ON THIS MATTER."
The sounds of arguing ceased, save for a few scattered vocal processors. The Singularity sighed mechanically; there was always some detail to include.
"ALL COUNCIL UNITS ARE TO MAINTAIN SILENCE AS WELL, UNTIL THE CONCLUSION OF THE NEXT COUNCIL MEETING," it continued. "SAID MEETING HAS BEEN RESCHEDULED TO TAKE PLACE IMMEDIATELY."

***

The sergeant stared at his crystal ball. How could this be? Was something interfering with his scrying?
Best to use his own two eyes, he decided.
"Everyone, stay on alert," he said to his men. "I have seen a most disturbing vision, and must confirm it for myself."
He climbed to the top of the scouting tower, and looked through the magnifier, carefully turning it.
"Damn. It really is there," he grumbled. He turned to the nearest soldier.
"What's wrong, sir?" asked the lower-ranked mage. "What did you see?"
"Prepare a message-scroll for the castle at once. We're under assault by Nescin."
"What? But the border is secure, sir!"
"Well, then. I will be sure to note the security of the border when I report this. Why, it's so secure that Nescin can bring a weapon the size of a city across it!"

*The infrequency of speech and the unconditional obedience were, in fact, related. During the third council meetings after the Singularity's activation, it realized that some of its rhetorical comments, such as "DO NOT TROUBLE ME WITH SUCH TRIVIALITIES", were being treated as commands and thus prevented the council from raising any objections. The electronic interface policy was implemented shortly after.**
**Immediately after the eighth council meeting.

Dragon Fogel · 11-09-2012, 04:06 AM

Jack O'Lanton answered the door happily. Upon seeing the lengthy scroll the wizard's face was buried in, he simply laughed.

"You're too late, I'm afraid!" he declared cheerfully. "I can't cast any magic, you see. Watch!"

He held up his hand for a moment, and nothing happened.

"See? Nothing! I'm sorry to say I'll be of no help on the front lines. Note that down, if you would!"

The draft officer said nothing. He simply stared at his scroll.

"Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't check my name, did you? Jack O'Lanton. Do you need me to spell that for you? It's not that difficult, but if you want to be sure..."

The wizard put down his scroll.

That was when Jack realized he didn't have a mouth.

***

"Listen, I really must get back to work," Draft Officer Fiar protested. "The Kingdom needs more mages on the front lines!"

"Dammit, I forgot how much trouble new mouths are," Ventriloquist grumbled. "It's what, an hour before he's fully cooperative?"

"Usually, yes," Detective Scumm replied. "But it varies depending on how much you help them out. You may remember that I didn't quite settle down until you solved the case I was working on."

"Ugh, right. I had to track down Earlobe. Man, I never liked that guy."

"Every moment we waste is a moment that Nescin schemes!" Fiar yelled. "Who knows what wickedness they are plotting even now?"

Ventriloquist sighed.

"No way I'm helping him out with this. I caught a glimpse of that scroll, there were way too many names on it. Plus, I hate paperwork."

"Have you no love for your country? Do you want Nescin to overrun us, enslave us, teach us their wicked ways?"

"First off, it's not my country, second, I don't really care either way. I've got half a mind to just hand your mouth back. Only reason I grabbed it in the first place was to cast spells."

"You can give mouths back?" Father Dimley interjected. "Why haven't you done this before?"

"Because then you jerks would tell people about me," Ventriloquist grumbled. "Now shut up."

Dimley was forced into silence once more.

"The very future of Giam is at stake here!" Fiar continued, apparently ignoring Ventriloquist's other arguments with himself. "I cannot ignore the plight of our kingdom!"

"Damn, Boss, he's startin' to get to me," Nails interjected. "You sure you can't do this?"

"Ain't gonna," Ventriloquist declared. "I want him to shut up, but not that bad. Do you have any idea how many forms I had to fill out every day at the lab? Too fuckin' many, that's how many."

"And while you leave my work unfinished, Nescin draws closer and closer to victory!" Fiar protested. "Will you simply sit back and allow them to overrun this land?"

"You are so goddamn annoying!" Ventriloquist snarled. "Giam this, Nescin that, fill out my stupid form. Christ, I'd sooner take on this Nescin kingdom myself than fill out your stupid form."

He paused thoughtfully.

"Hey, here's a thought, geezer. You shut up about this stupid form and I help out your stupid fight against this other kingdom. We got a deal?"

"You would volunteer for such a noble cause? Amazing! I cannot believe how I have misjudged you..."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Save your words for some magic, old man."

***

Maximus Smith-Mason-Gardener-Smythe was more than a little irritated. That stupid draft officer had made him forget what he was going to write in his letter!

At least once it was put together, he'd have the money to stay out of the army. He'd made the discovery of a lifetime, and the Institute was sure to reward him well for it.

Dragon Fogel · 11-10-2012, 04:49 AM

It was easy enough to find the robot city; it was, after all, a large city made for robots. With nothing but trees surrounding it, Super Robo City stuck out like a sore thumb.

Unfortunately, that applied to the local authorities as much as it applied to the 24-7 Gang. A dozen or so mages in uniform were marching through the woods in front of the car, and they suddenly turned to face it.

"Dammit!" Robyn grumbled. "We've been spotted."

"Aw, honey, it's just a bunch of geezers," Bobby said calmly. "I can take 'em with one hand behind my back."

The "geezers" all held up their wands, and pointed them at the stolen car.

"Surrender, Nescin scum!" one of them declared. "Or we'll destroy your hideous machine, and you with it!"

"I do believe they are serious, sir," Rupert replied calmly. "Fortunately, we have no stolen goods on hand that they would know anything of. We have little to lose by acquiescing."

"Acqwhat?"

"He means doin' what they say, Bobby." Robyn sighed. "Which ain't much fun, but I gotta admit Rupert's got a point."

"Oh, okay then... wait, no, it's not okay! We're just gonna give up?"

"Shut up, Bobby. Rupert, you do the talkin' here, we'll follow your lead."

"Certainly, Mrs. Banks." He stepped out through the back of the van, raising his hands. Roberta stepped out after him, holding up her hands and asking Mr. Fluffertail to do the same. He wasn't very cooperative.

Robyn and Bobby stepped out next, neither of them happy about it. One of the wizard-soldiers smirked at them.

"Good to see you're being cooperative. But my men won't lower their weapons just yet. Tell us what you know about that city!"

"Little, I'm afraid," Rupert said apologetically. "You see, when we stole this experimental vehicle, we soon had the Nescin army after us, and that gave us more immediate concerns than learning more about other weapons they had under development."

There were whispers among the soldier-mages. Their officer hushed them.

"It appears we have some more questions for you," he said, stroking his beard. "You will come with us."

"Of course," Rupert replied pleasantly. Everyone else was less than thrilled.

***

Robespierre was beginning to get worried. It was one thing when just that Dout guy had turned up in town, and it had been a hoot watching him slip on that banana peel. But it hadn't stopped there. The butterfly had appeared - and vanished into a house - followed by the mouth thief.

And now there was a bear rider.

Technically, Robepierre had accomplished his mission, so he could leave. But he wanted to grab something first while he was here. He'd considered waiting for things to calm down and grabbing the robes off the draft officer, but then it turned out he didn't need a mouth to do his job. Although Jack O'Lanton apparently needed one to scream.

That left the houses. Jack was preoccupied with the mouthless draft officer on his doorstep, but there was no telling how long that would last. And the other guy, Smith-Smythe or something, was definitely home. There were other hovels around, of course, but Robespierre had no idea if they were occupied or not.

He decided to take a chance on Smith-Smythe. Sure, the butterfly had gone in, but she hadn't seemed particularly bright. Robespierre was pretty sure he could take on one wizard, as long as he didn't get spotted first.

Robespierre Banks slipped out of the shrub, and slipped through the back window of Maximus Smith-Mason-Gardener-Smythe's hovel. He wasn't leaving this village empty-handed.

Dragon Fogel · 11-28-2012, 03:56 AM

Tulip fluttered around in the cage, confused. She was sure the prize was in here somewhere, but she couldn't find it. Or anything else, for that matter.

Then a thought struck her. What if somebody else had beaten her to the prize? Outrageous! How dare they claim her prize! They'd pay for that!

At that very moment, dark clouds began gathering over Maximus Smith-Mason-Gardener-Smythe's home.

***

Robespierre quickly glanced around the room. Maximus was sitting at his table, lost in thought and muttering something to himself. He didn't notice the teenage thief at all.

Robespierre considered sneaking up on the wizard and knocking him out, but he really wasn't in the mood to take chances with someone who could probably turn into a frog. He decided to do what he was best at: hiding. His eyes turned to a large cloth covering something in the corner.

Perfect.

Silently, Robespierre slithered across the floor to the cloth, and ducked under it.

Then he realized he couldn't hear Maximus' ramblings any more. He quickly peeked out from under the cloth and looked at the table.

The wizard was still there. And he still looked like he was talking. Weird. Was this some kind of magic soundproof cloth?

Robespierre suddenly smiled as he realized how useful a magic soundproof cloth could be in his line of work. Rupert was sure to have some ideas for it.

"Hey! You down there! Did you steal my prize?"

Startled, Robespierre looked up, and realized the cloth was covering a cage. And there was a butterfly inside it.

Were he a bit older and wiser, Robespierre might have thought of making a deal with Tulip, or accusing another competitor of the crime.

Instead, he just thought "Damn! I've been caught!" and ran away as fast as he could with the cloth, rushing out the window.

Maximus turned towards the noise, startled to hear Tulip's ramblings again, but then he saw to his befuddlement that the thief wasn't running off with his new discovery, but just with a sheet of common silencecloth.

He scratched his head as he watched the thief run out the window, then went to the closet and tossed another cloth over the cage.

"Honestly, some people have the strangest tastes," he said to himself, staring over his half-finished letter again.

Dragon Fogel · 11-29-2012, 05:07 AM

- THIS MEETING IS CALLED TO ORDER, - the Singularity declared. - PRIMARY MATTER FOR DISCUSSION: OUR STRATEGY IN THIS BATTLE WE HAVE BEEN ENTERED IN. -
COM-1, the head of the military, was the first councillor to speak up.
- The strategy is obvious. The organic managing this battle stated that the objective was to destroy the other competitors. We have more than enough weaponry to do so. Therefore, I recommend a full offensive of combat units... -
- Are you malfunctioning? - PI-3-TI interjected. - Our city was nearly destroyed by a similar battle. Clearly, the Server intended this as a warning; a message that we must not succumb to our violent programming, or it will lead to our demise. -
- And just sitting here waiting for the other combatants to destroy us won't? - COM-1 retorted. - We cannot afford to be idle. -
- BOTH COUNCIL UNITS RAISE EXCELLENT POINTS, - the Singularity said thoughtfully. - OUR NEAR DESTRUCTION IN A SIMILAR BATTLE IS VERY LIKELY A WARNING FROM THE SERVER. AT THE SAME TIME, WE CANNOT AFFORD TO BE PASSIVE; THERE IS NO GUARANTEE THE ORGANICS ARE INCLINED TO BE PEACEFUL. -
An electronic silence covered the council chamber as the Singularity pondered the matter.
- I HAVE COME TO A CONCLUSION, - it finally declared, after nearly two full seconds of processing. - THOUGH WE MUST NOT BE PASSIVE, IT DOES NOT FOLLOW THAT VIOLENCE IS THE ONLY ALTERNATIVE. WE CAN SEND SCOUTING UNITS OUT TO ANALYZE THE ACTIONS OF OUR OPPONENTS IN THIS BATTLE, WITHOUT INITIATING COMBAT. THEY WILL REPORT BACK TO US, AND WE CAN DECIDE HOW TO REACT AS WE HAVE MORE INFORMATION. -
- Truly a wise decision, my Singularity, - PI-3-TI agreed. - Rash action is likely to only hasten our demise. -
- We have to destroy them all regardless! - COM-1 protested. - This will only serve to waste our time. -
- WE HAVE NOT YET DETERMINED IF THAT IS TRULY NECESSARY, COM-1. WE ONLY HAVE ONE BATTLE TO ANALYZE, AND OUR DATA FROM THAT IS INCOMPLETE. IT IS POSSIBLE THAT THERE ARE ALTERNATIVE OPTIONS. -
- Then at least send out combat-capable units! If the organics try to attack us, we should be able to fight back. -
- THIS IS REASONABLE. ACCEPTED. -
- With all due respect, my Singularity, combat-capable units might come across as hostile to organics even if they restrain from firing. -
- A VALID CONCERN. PI-3-TI, YOU WILL SELECT UNITS TO INTERACT WITH ORGANICS IF NECESSARY. COM-1, YOU WILL SELECT COMBAT UNITS WITH CAPACITY FOR STEALTH, TO ENSURE THE OTHER UNITS ARE PROTECTED WITHOUT CAUSING UNDUE HOSTILITY. -
- But our stealth units have limited combat ability! -
- I have seen the unit specifications. Their weaponry should be sufficient to allow the scouting party to retreat. -
- PI-3-TI'S ASSESSMENT MATCHES WITH MY OWN. NONETHELESS, I WILL PERMIT ONE HEAVY COMBAT UNIT TO ACCOMPANY THE SCOUTING PARTY. -
- A wise choice! - COM-1 agreed. - I have just the unit in mind... -
- THEN GIVE YOUR RECOMMENDATION TO PI-3-TI. YOU MUST BOTH AGREE ON THE HEAVY COMBAT UNIT BEFORE I WILL AUTHORIZE ITS USE. -
- What? -
- The Singularity's decision is clear enough, - PI-3-TI said. If it were designed with a movable mouth, it would have smirked. - I move we adjourn this meeting so that COM-1 and I can finalize the scouting party. -
- MOTION ACCEPTED. THIS MEETING IS ADJOURNED. -

***

A mere five minutes* after the scouting party left the city limits, they soon encountered a well-armed Giam patrol. Of course, given the nature of Giam's army, this largely meant magic wands, which were not recognized as weapons by the Robo City databases.
"Greetings, organics!" declared 3-MI-554-RY, the designated head of the party. "We have been entered against our will in a battle to the death." It paused to scan them. "No match found with opponents. Please wait one moment."
The wizards stared at each other nervously as 3-MI-554-RY approached a tiny floating metal sphere. The robot tapped it with a metal arm, and then the sphere projected an image in front of it.
"These are our opponents in the battle," 3-MI-554-RY continued. "We are gathering information on them. Have you seen any of them?"
"DIE, NESCIN SCUM!" a wizard suddenly shouted, firing a lightning bolt from his wand towards the sphere. It shorted out and fell to the ground.
The stealth drones promptly retaliated, and the other wizards readied their own wands.

Not far away, a lone bear rider looked on as the first contact between Robo City and the Kingdom of Giam descended into violence.

"Is just like home," he sighed wistfully.

*1500 standard time units

Dragon Fogel · 11-30-2012, 06:26 AM

Nurrkel was lost. There had been no forests on Ver homeworld, or at least none that Ve had ever seen. The strange green woodlands of this world were very disorienting.

And yet, Nurrkel still seemed to have a better idea of where Ve was headed than the bear rider staring at a tree.

"You, there!" Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov shouted at Ver. "Where can I find base of operations?"

Nurrkel was confused. So obviously, Shingles the Myrrhman would be even more confused, lacking the benefits of a V'kkrn education.

"Many apologies, Superior," Ve said. "I am but a lowly v'kkrn. I know nothing of this world. In fact, I am somewhat lost myself."

Ivanov was baffled for a moment, but then he laughed. Nurrkel, for Ver part, found that Ve was surprisingly comfortable taking a subservient tone; Ve had expected it to feel far more humiliating.

"Oh, yes! You are opponent, yes? I remember. What was name, Nurrky?"

Nurrkel tried Ver best to avoid showing indignance at the insult. Ve knew Shingles, as a v'kkrn, would be ashamed by the comparison. In fact, Ve felt very sure of it; Ve was feeling ashamed Verself.

"Superior, you must be mistaken," "Shingles" said calmly. "Nurrky sounds much like the House of Nurrkel. A mere v'kkrn such as myself should never be compared to one of the glorious V'kkrn we are born to serve."

Ivanov had never expected anyone to call him "Superior", and it was more than a little off-putting. Nurrkel's terminology only served to confuse him more.

"Wait, wait. So you are not opponent? You are other, er, V'kkrn?"

"Not V'kkrn, Superior. v'kkrn. I am a ve, not a Ve. It is crucial that you understand the difference, should you ever have occasion to speak with a V'kkrn."

Ivanov's expression made it clear that he didn't understand the difference at all.

"In any case, Superior, I, the lowly Shingles the Myrrhman, have a meager request. I am sure it is not worth your valuable time to hear my miserable words, but I do not know where else to turn."

Ivanov shrugged.

"All right. What is request?"

"A moment ago, I heard someone shout the name of Nurrkel the Fifth. I am curious as to why someone has called out the name of one of my superiors, and even more baffled as to the fact that you appear to be aware of the same name. And given that I lack the intelligence to grasp how I arrived her from my duties gathering myrrh, I was hoping that perhaps a Superior could explain it to me."

Ivanov scratched his head.

"I did hear voice shouting some time ago," he mused. "At first, thought it was Commander with new orders. Maybe I can find voice? Yes, that is good idea, voice may know where to find base of operations. Onward, Nikita! We find voice!"

He rode off on his bear before "Shingles" could thank him, or say anything at all.

Fortunately, he left a trail of pawprints behind, easy enough for Nurrkel to follow. Perhaps he would lead Ver to some interesting information.

Dragon Fogel · 12-18-2012, 01:58 AM

It had not been a particularly good day for Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov. First the commander had yelled at him, then the commander had yelled at him again, then the commander had yelled at him again. And then, after the commander had yelled at him again, the entire company had been deposited in a strange place that wasn't Siberia and told they were in a fight to the death.

On reflection, Ivanov realized that had been the high point of the day, right up until the commander yelled at him afterwards.

But now he was on a mission. And he knew that if he failed, the commander would yell at him again. Actually, the commander would probably yell at him even if he succeeded, but that concept was a little too complex for Ivanov's mind to grasp.

Unfortunately, the mission hadn't gone particularly well so far. He hadn't found a base of operations. All he had found was a weird ant thing and Nikanoslav.

Fortunately, Nikanoslav was the one member of the company Ivanov outranked. Which meant he had the authority to yell at him.

"Nikanoslav!" Ivanov shouted. "Explain why you are not with rest of company! And why your bear is in way of mine!"

"Sir!" Nikanoslav saluted sharply. "Commander said find way around tree, sir! So I found way around tree, sir!"

Ivanov had to admit that was a good argument. Still, he wasn't going to pass up a rare chance to yell at a subordinate.

"Yes, Nikanoslav, but why did you not tell rest of company way to go around tree?"

Nikanoslav saluted again, though with much less enthusiasm this time.

"Sir! Could not find way back around tree, sir!"

Comic relief indeed, Harold thought as he watched the exchange. I suppose these two are going to essentially be my sidekicks up until they die in Round Three. Of course, the rest of their company will be horribly killed well before then, probably to establish someone as a villain.

He let the dressing-down continue for a few minutes before stepping in, which was obviously his role in the scene.

"So you've been separated from your company, then?" Harold asked suddenly. He was confident that the argument had gone on long enough to get in all the important lines.

"That is not any of bearded swordsman's business!" Ivanov declared defensively. "I am on important mission from commander because Nikanoslav did not come back!"

"I see. This wouldn't be a secret mission, would it?" Harold asked knowingly. "A very important secret mission?"

Ivanov paused. Had the commander said anything about that? He couldn't remember, and hadn't even thought about it.

But if it was a secret mission, then he had told Nurrkel all about it. Which meant the commander would yell at him when he got back.

In which case he wasn't going to get yelled at more for telling Harold too, he supposed.

"Am looking for base of operations," Ivanov explained. "Company is divided. We find safe place and regroup. You know where one is?"

Harold considered this carefully. His character wouldn't know any specific details of Giam, of course, but he'd have general knowledge to apply here. He looked around the forest for a bit and then pointed in a random direction.

"At a glance, the trees in that direction seem to be somewhat younger than the others," he explained. "This suggests they've been cut down sometime in the last few years, and hence that the locals have only ventured in about this far for lumber. Now, I can't guarantee that there's still a village there, but it's the best place to start looking."

Ivanov smiled widely.

"I thought exact same thing!" he declared. "See, Nikanoslav? This is way to move up in rank."

"Knowing about trees is way to move up in rank?"

"Da."

"But why? There are no trees in Siberia."

"Exactly! So if we found tree in Siberia, whoever knows most about it should be able to take command, da?"

Nikanoslav nodded vigorously.

"I not think of that," he said. "You are smart man, Comrade Ivanov."

"And that is why I outrank you. Now, onward! To the village!"

Satisfied, they rode away on their bears in a completely arbitrary direction. Harold allowed himself the tiniest of chuckles, quiet enough that the camera wouldn't pick it up; he wasn't sure if the focus was going to stay on him, after all, and it wouldn't do to crack up on camera.

I have to give them credit, that's much wittier than anything Pants MacArthur ever said. By God, what an embarassment he was. And he lasted all the way to the sixth round! At least the writers have learned something this time around.

It then struck Harold that he needed something to do; the bears had left the scene, and it was unlikely that another contestant was going to just stumble on him. Of course, there was a good cue to take now.

"I suppose I'd best follow them and see to it they stay out of trouble," Harold said, smiling. He started walking, sure that if this wasn't in the script, one of the other actors would give him a cue about now.

As it turned out, they did. A strange, timid-looking ant creature stepped out of a tree in front of him.

"Pardon me, sir," Shingles said. "Did you call the name of Nurrkel the Fifth?"

"I did," Harold said, raising his sword. "And I swore to destroy that monster."

"But why would you destroy Ver?" Shingles asked, doing ver best to look confused. "And is Ve even here? I would expect Ver to be back on nrkk'V."

Harold was somewhat puzzled by this. He wasn't sure how it fit into the plot at all.

"Are you not Nurrkel the Fifth?" he asked.

"No!" ve declared vehemently. "I am Shingles the Myrrhman. I am a mere v'kkrn. Nurrkel the Fifth is the name of a superior V'kkrn."

I have to admit, I didn't see that one coming, Harold thought.

Dragon Fogel · 01-29-2013, 05:33 AM

"Then tell me where I may find Nurrkel the Fifth." Harold wasn't sure where this plotline was going, but surely if he ad-libbed long enough he would get some idea of it.

"I do not know where Ve might be," said "Shingles". "Perhaps Ve is still on nrkk'V? Or, as a superior V'kkrn, Ve might have access to a shuttle to nrkk'v. But if Ve is somewhere here, I am afraid I cannot help you, Superior."

"Why do you call me Superior?" Harold asked.

"I am a mere v'kkrn," ve explained. "And ve are inferior to all else."

Oh, now it's starting to make sense. I'm supposed to show Shingles here that ve isn't inferior. But where does Nurrkel fit into this? Is Ve even here, or did this one get grabbed by mistake? Well, I shouldn't get ahead of myself, 'Harold' is still rather xenophobic. That was clear enough the last time around.

"Well then, Shingles the Myrrhman," Harold said tentatively. "You must know something of your people. If Nurrkel was transported here, then perhaps you can help me find Ver."

Perfect, Nurrkel thought. I can lead this fool to... ver doom? Ver doom? What is the proper term for other species?

"But Ve is a V'kkrn! If I were to aid you in harming Ver, it would violate the laws of nrkk'V!"

"It". I will call it an it for the time being. I can lead this fool to its doom.

"Very well, then. I give you my word I will not harm Nurrkel the Fifth unless Ve attacks me first. Is that acceptable?"

Wow, it's been three whole movies since I made that offer. Well, that should do until either the confrontation with Nurrkel, or the reveal that Ve was never taken... Wait, is Shingles meant to be Nurrkel pulling some kind of trick? Ugh, I hope not, that would just make Ver another boring schemer.

"I... I believe so. I will aid as best as my inferior v'kkrn body and mind allow me to."

It is no match for my cunning. It will think me a pathetic v'kkrn, rather than the greatest of the V'kkrns. And then I shall guide it into a trap.

Once I have learned this land well enough to find a trap, of course. But that should be little trouble.

"All right, then." Harold pointed to the bear tracks leading away. "Let's follow those bear riders, shall we? Probably best to keep them out of trouble."

Or rather, make sure they don't get into it without us.

Dragon Fogel · 02-07-2013, 05:23 AM

Much had happened since Dout slipped half an hour ago. None of it had involved him getting up.

It wasn't that he couldn't get up if he wanted to, but he was in no hurry. The ground was actually rather comfortable, and he was still in a good mood from his recent conversation. He barely even took notice as someone shuffled by talking to himself.

Then he noticed the clouds. They were oddly localized over one house; an unusual phenomenon. And unusual natural phenomena tended to draw fools spouting superstitious nonsense. Superstitious nonsense which needed debunking by a reasoned argument and scientific evidence. Dout picked himself up and walked towards the house, knowing there would be a job for him soon.

Besides, if it rained he'd prefer not to be caught lying down in the mud.

He was mildly disappointed that the next person he saw wasn't an attention-seeker declaring the clouds an omen, but rather a masked young man rushing out of the house with a large sheet.

"Young man!" Dout called to him. Robespierre stared back, surprised; he hadn't expected anyone to be hanging around here, let alone the weirdo who hadn't even picked himself up after that banana peel trick.

"Young man, is that sheet waterproof, by any chance?" Dout continued. "I'm expecting an argument soon, and also a bit of rain, and it would be nice to have some shelter."

"Uh, I don't know," Robespierre replied, puzzled. "It's not mine, I'm just, uh, taking it to get cleaned?"

"It looks reasonably clean to me already," Dout mused, grabbing one end of it before the boy could protest. "Does it really require special treatment?"

"Uh, well, the guy said that, uh, the magic was leaking out all over it and it needed to be taken to the, uh, Spring of Cleanliness," Robespierre said desperately.

"Nonsense!" Dout declared. "There is no such thing as magic, and this Spring of Cleanliness is surely just ordinary water. I would advise you to return this sheet to its owner and inform him he has been the victim of a scam."

Robespierre could have slapped himself. He was in such a panic he'd forgotten this Dout guy's whole thing was not believing in magic. Still, an idea quickly presented itself.

"Well don't I feel silly!" he said, laughing nervously. "I ran all the way here so this guy could dip it in the Spring of Cleanliness and now it turns out we've both been fooled! Now I gotta run back to the next town over and tell the guy he was conned, and man, he's probably not going to be too keen on paying my delivery fee... Well, gotta go!"

"Wait. The alleged Spring of Cleanliness is here?"

"Yeah, totally, this guy runs the con, man I don't want to hang around if he finds out I'm on to him, gotta get this not-magic sheet back fast now!"

"Yes, yes, be on your way. I'll deal with this con man."

Dout wasn't even watching as Robespierre darted off with the sheet, relieved. He knocked on the door.

"I hope that's not the draft officer again," Maximus Smith-Mason-Gardener-Smythe muttered to himself as he put down his pen and went to answer.

Dragon Fogel · 05-10-2013, 04:22 AM

Show Content

"Apologies, Commander. I not have any threes. Go fishing."

Commander Nikoya Dochinsky drew a card from the deck, and stared at his hand in annoyance. Then he sighed, and tossed his cards to the ground. Sergei Iziaslav quickly picked them up, dusted them off, and put the deck away. The game was clearly over.

A shame, too. One more turn, and he would surely have had that royal flush.

"Enough," Commander Dochinsky declared. "Ivanov been gone too long. We send someone else."

Iziaslav glanced around. There had been five riders when the game started, but three of them were now gone. That left him and the Commander. So if one of them was being sent out to look for the other men...

"Commander, let me say, you are very brave man for volunteering to find company." Isiaslav smiled nervously. "You are inspiration to us all."

Commander Dochinsky was taken aback. He didn't remember volunteering, but aside from that minor detail he couldn't see anything wrong with what Isiaslav was saying.

That could only mean that the soldier was correct. Dochinsky must have been so effective as a commander that he had made his intent clear without speaking a word. It was obvious, really.

"Thank you, Isliaslav," the commander agreed. "You are observant man. Now, while I am gone, you stay here and use observantness to see if anyone returns, da?"

"Yes, Commander! I wait here for your victorious return!"

Isiaslav saluted, and waited for the commander to ride off. Then, he dismounted his bear and took out the cards.

"All right, Smidrigailovichov," he said. "Is finally time for rematch. This time, I defeat you!"

***

Vladislav Llyumzhinov was having a good day, all things considered.

True, he had been separated from the rest of the company and was presumably nowhere near Siberia. And yes, he was surrounded by angry wizards who were pointing wands at him and demanded to know what he was doing in the middle of a battlefield. And there were also the laser beams firing over his head and explosions not much distance away.

But his feet had finally stopped itching! And this time, it wasn't even because they had gone numb from the cold. He felt wonderful.

"That skirmish over there is unpleasantly close," one of the wizards muttered. "Can't let this suspicious character get away, though. Three of you, keep an eye on him and join up with another group. The rest of us will help our comrades against the Nescin weaponry."

"Right," said another wizard, this one with a longer beard. "You heard him, bear-man. You're coming with us!"

"To where? And is there vodka?"

The wizard's wand began to glow.

"We don't have time for your nonsense, bear-man. This is your last warning."

"Ah, yes! Lead way, I follow! Come, Nikita!"

The wizards guided him away. A few minutes later, they met up with another group, already in the middle of an interrogation. They seemed to have several prisoners, in fact.

"Got room for one more?" the long-bearded wizard asked. A bespectacled wizard turned to him and glanced at Llyumzhinov.

"I think that's technically two more," he said. He turned back to his own prisoners. "Is this a friend of yours?"

"I can't say I know his name, but he does seem familiar," Rupert said. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Oh, yes! I remember now, I happened to glance at some plans while we were in Nescin. They were working on a genetic engineering program to breed riding bears for a new cavalry division."

In an instant, the wizards all turned to Llyumzhinov and pointed their wands at him.

"This is your last chance to surrender, Nescin scum," the wizard with glasses said. "Get off the bear and throw down all your weapons."

Dragon Fogel · 12-11-2013, 06:03 AM

"Sir, am I to understand that you claim to possess a magical spring, and charge others for the use of it?"

Maximus was taken aback. He'd sold a number of magical services over the years, some of which were even effective, but he couldn't recall offering any springs.

On the other hand, if the oddly-dressed gentleman was willing to pay for it, he was sure he could find a spring somewhere.

"I offer reasonable rates for all my services," Maximus said, regaining his composure. "Springs included. How may I help you, Mister..."

"You may 'help' me by admitting to your deceptive practices, charlatan! There is no such thing as magic, whether in the form of a spring or any other object or process!"

"I, well... what?" Maximus stuttered.

The idea that magic didn't exist was ludicrous. Giam relied on magic for everything. No one could live here without believing in magic; the man must have been a foreigner.

"Where are you from, exactly?" Maximus asked. "It must be quite far away if you're so unfamiliar with Giam as to say such nonsense."

"Nonsense? Nonsense? I merely speak the obvious! Your entire nation, it seems, has fallen under this delusion that magic exists! I can see I have my work cut out for me."

"How dare you! How dare you call our great nation delusional!"

Maximus raised a hand and prepared to freeze his visitor in a block of ice, and then simply stared at his hand as absolutely nothing happened.

"Are you threatening me with violence? That is a sure sign that you have no confidence in your argument."

"How - What did you do? Is this some new weapon from Nescin?"

"I need no weapon save the truth!" the visitor declared. "And the truth is, there is nothing magical in this entire house, for--"

"Hello? Is someone there? I can't see anything! Where's my prize?"

Maximus' jaw dropped. The silencecloth wasn't working any more!

"What was that?" the stranger asked.

"Nothing! Nothing! I see the error of my ways now! You must leave at once and spread your message to the entire kingdom!"

"It sounds like it was coming from under that sheet in the corner," Dout said, ignoring Maximus' protests. He pushed his way in and walked towards the cage.

"A kidnapper as well as a con artist?" Dout declared, pulling off the sheet. "Have you no shame--" He paused as he noticed the strange creature he had just uncovered. "What is that?"

"Hello!" the creature announced. "I'm Tulip! Do you know where my prize is?"