Spiteland: New World [Choose Your Destiny]

Welcome to Spiteland
A world of all sorts of aggression, especially passive, Spiteland is in danger. Most of the time. Somebody's usually threatening to destroy the world or something, and somebody steps up to stop them, and about half the time they go crazy themselves and threaten the world too, and that doesn't work out well for them.

Well there was that one time, but we don't talk about that.

That brings us to you. You are one of but many of the settlers here. The town of New World(patent pending) wants to get away from it all. Ignore all the bull about the world being threatened every other week and everybody just kind of hating each other because that's what's trendy. All are welcome to join! There were some objections to that early on, like, what if somebody evil wants to join, but hey, even if they're evil they may still want to escape from it all, right?

But whatever! Maybe eventually you can take this town and launch it into space and New World can be an actually New World! They actually just took away the guy that suggested that a while ago and he's sitting in the corner over there but we can dream, right? We can all dream. Who actually named this place anyways?

So the question here is of course: Who are you, and why do you want here?

Name:
Gender:
Race: (see below)
Class: (see below)
Biography:


RACES

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Human: Pink and meaty, the humans are boring and are loud and obnoxious in an attempt to prove otherwise.

High Elf: Whoa dude, my ears are just... so long! Man I'm hungry.

Low Elf: Low Elves are big downers and do nothing but talk about how depressing the world is. Nobody knows how they reproduce, because they're always alone, but more keep popping up.

Medium Elf: Medium Elves are the most statistically average race out there. They are average at magic, have average heights, and are kind of boring to talk to.

They Prefer To Be Called Little People: It's a PC world out there, and we wouldn't want to offend somebody with the 'D' word. I mean, sure, they like to dig holes, live in caves, and aren't particularly intelligent, but let's not be prejudiced here.


Lizardman: Suited to hot, dry climates, lizard people are rad and I will accept no arguments to the contrary.

Pandaman: Hailing from the orient, Pandamen are kinda lazy and popular with children.

Pangolinman: Enemy of Ultraman Q, Pangolinmen may or may not be robots. Thanks Ed!

Trans-Kobold: Look, sometimes people just don't feel comfortable looking the way they do, and feel like they should be... different. Who are you to judge, anyways?

Lemming: You might want to have a few dozen of these guys, just in case.


Orc: Orcs are slow, dumb, and can punch you so hard you explode. There's a giant hammer in the midst of the Orc homelands that is said to have been wielded by a God, but the truth is it an overzealous Orc special ordered it and couldn't lift it.

Orca: Better hope there's water available.

El Chupacabra: Mexican monster known for eating goats and sucking their blood dry. Trying to cut down, though. Usually goes for low fat Goat based snacks these days.

Tree: Some day, it'll grow into a mighty oak, and become large enough to furnish your entire room with Ikea furniture.

Supertoaster: Supertoasters were once ordinary toasters, but with ambition! A few trips to the hardware store later, however, and you have the state of the art, robotic toasting device you see now.


Sock Puppet: Forged of wool and plastic, the Sock Puppet is handcrafted by only the most creative, and with the power of Googly Eyes, are brought to life. Rock.

A Guitar: Hot Riffs and Sweet Lixx, A Guitar has the power of almost all music at its side. Comes in New Electric and Acoustic Original flavors.

Trash Golem: A Trash Golem forms when you forget to take full trash out for six months or so, thanks to a wizard who decided "If you aren't going to take it out, it'll take itself out!" Wizards are evil, so instead they just gain free will and move in to be smelly and consume your food. It is very hard for a Trash Golem to find a job.

Ghost: A ghost is somebody that has died with unfinished business. Some ghosts decide to simply not finish that business, because, hey, controlled immortality. If they get tired of new life, they can always just finish their shit.

Bearded Swordsman: A Bearded Swordsman is not just a bearded Human who picks up a sword. They are in fact, one with their sword, and their life is kept by the hair on their faces. Being without either for long enough will cause them to grow gradually weaker until they die.

CLASSES

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Paladin: Holy warriors, with sword and shield blessed by the Gods themselves, they can use these powers to smite evil, bless the worthy, and basically cheat their ways into Heaven.
Special Skill: Holy Wave - All targets in a mile radius start thinking about your God of choice for 1d20 seconds, distracting them and making them more susceptible to conversion.

Evil Wizard: Masters of the arcane, controllers of darkness, one should never trust a Wizard. Before you know what's happened they'll have set fire to your house, frozen your dog, and turned you into a tree frog.
Special Skill: Baleful Polymorph - Turn something into a bale of hay for 1d8 scaling time units. Look, nobody said you were a powerful Evil Wizard. You'll get there eventually.

Good Wizard: There is no such thing as a good wizard. All wizards are obviously evil. Trusting a Wizard is bad news already, but one that claims to be Good? Crazy.
Special Skill: Crisis of Conscience - Wizardry is a dark art filled with evil and you're trying to be a good guy? Suffer 2d4 emotional damage for every spell you cast.

Shiv-Knight: Shiv-Knights have seen things. Done things. And done time. Life in the slammer is tough, and you have to make due with whatever you can find, such as a sharpened toothbrush, or a broken fencepost. The Shiv-Knight is proficient in small, improvised stabbing implements and also heavy armor.
Special Skill: Emergency Sharpen - With just the edges of your plate mail, you can sharpen nearly any appropriately sized object to serve as a new shiv.


Fighter/Organist: Generally a Fighter/Organist starts on the road to becoming a sword wielding warrior, and then end up in an empty church with the organ just sitting right there. Of course, in a world where the Gods have quite a bit of power, there's something magical about that instrument, and they get hooked. Swapping a sword for a big heavy piano, Fighter/Organists can use its powerful pipes, and often its heavy weight, to bring enemies down.
Special Skill: Big Finish - Play a few powerful notes and shove your organ at whatever you're targeting. They won't know what hit them, because they're too busy admiring that climax. You'll need to repair the organ.

Lawyer: According to Page 215, Section E, Subsection B, Paragraph 2 of the Spiteland Legal More Of A Guideline Than A Rule Lawbook, actually explaining what a Lawyer is is more legal trouble than it's worth.
Special Skill: Objection! - Stop anybody in their tracks, and present your case. If Judgeria, God of Law deems it sufficient, the target's attempted action will be null.

Carpenter (profession): With a toolbox at their side, a Carpenter is ready to fix anything, any time. Home repairs, building projects, weapon upgrades, what have you. Generally useful to have one around.
Special Skill: If It Ain't Broke - Fix it anyways. Any target gains 1d4 extra usefulness levels instantly.

Carpenter (musician): I hate The Carpenters. I had to listen to two songs by them to find something to use for that picture and that was enough. They're a soft rock band from the 70s and they are just so incredibly inoffensive that it's actually kind of annoying. What? Oh right. Carpenters can like, sing and stuff.
Special Skill: Ballad - Well okay it's kind of bland but there's nothing specifically terrible about it. 1d2 chance of causing somebody to be preoccupied with listening for the next five minutes, otherwise they just decide to leave.


Bird Rider: A Bird Rider has trained for years to learn to commune and ride atop all sorts of aviary critters. Hawks, eagles, sparrows, hummingbirds, owls, ducks, woodpeckers, chickens, you name it. They may need multiple birds to ride for some of the smaller ones.
Special Skill: Weightless - For 1d100 minutes, you can make yourself nearly weightless, in order to ride any size of single bird without any problem.

Pastamancer: With his mastery of the arcane secrets of Noodlecraft, the Pastamancer is a force to be reckoned with. He relies on his Mysticality to get ahead in the world. What, stealing? No, this is a wholly original class.
Special Skill: Leash of Linguini - Using an enchanted leash made of noodles, you may attach this to any beast to make it stronger and more loyal to yourself for 1d6 hours.

Astronaut: Years of intense training gives these people the ability to understand complex aeronautics controls, handle extreme G-forces, and go where very few have gone before. All you need is a spaceship, and how hard can it be to get one of those?
Special Skill: Moonwalk - So maybe it's hard to get to space, but you can feel like you're up there, anyways. Gravity doesn't affect you as much as the average man and you can jump higher, further, and slower.

Nutritionist: The average nutritionist has studied for upwards of an hour of reading nutrition information on Wikipedia. This makes them qualified to tell you about jack shit, but they've got the charisma to make you believe it.
Special Skill: Calorie Counter - Cause physical, mental, or emotional damage to somebody based on what they last ate.


Stunt Driver: Fast cars, tight corners, and danger at every turn. A stunt driver can pilot any automobile without worry, and can do so dangerously. The most important part about learning to Stunt Drive, is, surprisingly enough, not driving, but safety. It's not about getting there safely, it's about crashing spectacularly and surviving.
Special Skill: Safety First! - Take no damage from any vehicle based events, no matter how spectacular.

Potato Scholar: You probably grew up in Idaho, and took a shining to the tuberous fields, choosing to dedicate your life to it. At Farming College, you enrolled in Advanced Spud and graduated at the top of your class. Nobody knows more about potatoes than you.
Special Skill: Tubercraft - With enough potatoes and a knife, you can make anything. You're kinda like the Professor of Gilligan's Island, except instead of coconuts, it's potatoes.

Theoretical Cartographer: A map is two dimensional, and is adequate for mapping out a three dimensional world. But this is assuming that our universe is merely three dimensions. Truly, our world must have four dimensions! Paths between the cracks, that our mortal eyes can't see. One could travel from one end of the globe to the other in just a few minutes, with the right route. You are dedicated to finding these routes.
Special Skill: Quantum Routing - Teleport, basically. You slip into thin air for a little, wander around to get where you want, and reappear elsewhere. ...assuming your route is accurate.

Introduction to Destructive Mathematics: With small class sizes, and agreeable tuition fees, how can you not sign up for Intro to Destructive Math? Learn to Subtract Order and Add Chaos. Later in our program learn about Demolition Curves and Explosion Parabola. Enroll today!
Special Skill: Divide by Zero - Always a classic in Destructive Mathematics, and one of the founding principals, it serves as a bit of a wildcard. You never know what will happen.


Internet Blogger: Social justice, fandoms, liveblogging, in the end it all comes down to one thing: Complaining. Complain all day and people will listen. With more followers, comes more power. And with power, you can cause change. Change for personal gain.
Special Skill: Social Change - Get your internet followers all riled up about something, and soon that something will be targeted by random attacks for a while.

Obliterator: A mafia, er, 'favourite', the Obliterator is in dire need of a nerfing. If the Obli knows your role, you die, and they become invincible for a day and night. They win if they Oblit enough times. Alas, what with security these days, they also need a Date Of Birth and Mother's Maiden Name to successfully oblit.
Special Skill: Obliterate - Kill somebody instantly, and become invincible for 24 hours. Can only be used once per 24 hours. To successfully kill, you need all that information. Their name, their DOB, and their Mother's Maiden Name. There is no real penalty for failure.

Card Gamer: Don't understimate the power of a children's card game. Those who excel at these games can climb the ranks of the tournaments, get into grand adventures, and the few highest ranking Card Gamers of all, eventually get a special device that allows them to use the power of the cards themselves in all manners of situations!
Special Skill: You've Activated My Trap Card! - Use a card specifically to counter somebody else's action. The card will generally be specific to the situation.

Alternative Medic: It's Medical Science, but without the Science! Plant roots are healthy, it doesn't matter what you get it from. I heard that dripping Coke into Pepsi creates basically a healing potion. Did you know that hair makes a better bandage than anything else? Well, you heard all of this, once, you think, and hey, it probably works, right?
Special Skill: Improved Homeopathy - Well sometimes it does! Every potion and remedy you create has a chance of working exactly as intended, on a scale of 3d6, being more likely for being middle of the road. Closer to science, and you'd have to actually know something, too far out and nobody will even believe it for a second. It's basically placebo chance.

Happy settling! Remember, nobody is turned away from joining.
apologies to Leroy

Name: Socko
Gender: Inside-out
Race: Sock Puppet
Class: Shiv-Knight
Backstory:

Socko was created by a prison inmate during arts and crafts time. The criminal kept his creation a secret, and bullied Socko into helping him escape. It took years, but eventually it realized that it could do so any time it wanted to using its thin, pliant sock body. They were finally free, but Socko ultimately emerged a changed and broken sock.

Socko wishes to travel to a world where being a living sock is less statistically anomalous. It enjoys educating people on the value of sharing and not being a snitch, but sometimes its anger gets in the way.

SpoilerShow

Are pastamancers technically wizards and therefore evil?

Name: Lirweed Smokekick
Gender: Does it really all matter within the grand scheme of things?
Race: High Elf
Class: Destructive Mathematician
Backstory: High level theoretical studies. Drug abuse. Never go together ever at all. And that's the back story.

Name: Garurar
Gender: Male
Race: Lizardman
Class: Card Gamer
Backstory: Straight from the realm of Self-Insertville (which is totally a real place), we have Garurar, a lizardman with a penchant for card gaming (and all other forms of gaming, really). He plays card games to defend his homeland or something, its all very ambiguous, and he has a ton of different decks, each more wacky and unlikely to work than the last one.

(sorry)

Name: Sproutling.
Gender: Both? I'm pretty sure trees are both. You can call it a he, though.
Race: TREE.
Class: EVIL WIZARD.
Biography: All Sproutling ever wanted to do was be a Carpenter [Profession]. Sure, he would be viewed by his fellows as something akin to a cannibal, but he didn't really care. Trees are quite possibly the most boring creatures in all of Spiteland, and Sproutling would have been more than happy to rid the world of some of those jerks in favor of some nice furniture.

But alas! Cruel fate had conspired against poor Sproutling--he had no limbs, and was unable to be trained in the noble art of Carpentry [either].

Instead, he honed a craft that required only a bit of knowledge and a soul overflowing with malice.

He claims to be an Obliterator as a cover for his true profession of DARK WIZARDRY.

Name: Gee Force
Gender: Guitar
Race: A Guitar
Class: Stunt Driver
Biography: GEEEE FOOORCE

THE GUITAR STUNT DRIVER
FIRST OF HIS KIND
HOW DOES HE DRIVE
WITH THE POWER OF MUUUUUUUSIC

GEEEE FOORCE

HE DRIVES OFF CLIFFS AND CEILINGS
LANDS RIGHT SIDE UP
HOW DOES HE DO IT

GEEEEEEE FORCE

KINDA BRASH FOR A GUITAR
NEVER SEEN WITHOUT HIS CAR
HE IS A STRING INSTRUMENT

GEEEEEEE FOOOOORCE

HIS COUSIN IS A UKELELE THAT RIDES MOTORBIKES

i am very tired.

Name: Resplendor the Magnanimous
Gender: She-whale
Race: Orca
Class: Bird Rider
Backstory: Resplendor always loved the idea of sailing through the air, as well as having an unnatural dislike of the ocean and stupid names. Unfortunately she was born Awoo, or Nyuu, or some other stupid whale sound, and was also born a whale. Obviously this was not ideal. So, she trained under and became a powerful master of birds, and now she can fly! Some things happened in the middle but such trivial details don't matter.

Oh yeah she picked up a new name during her travels, but nobody really knows how or where.

Name: Piunk Blastoff
Gender: identifies as a guitar
Race: GUITAR (electric)
Class: Astronaut
Biography: Piunk was once an everyday musical instrument working in a coffee shop filled with denizens of Bad Poetry. It was a horrible, horrible job, but someone had to do it.
One day, as he was on the stage, accompanying a really heartwrenching ode to the dark black miasma of the deepness of the soul, two Space Officials walked into the coffee shop by accident. They were impressed by Rocket's guitarly lack of tears, that they decided to give it a job in SPACE, where nobody dares to cry.

Piunk didn't dare to tell them that guitars can't cry, but it took the job. Soon, Piunk changed their family name to Blastoff. Nowadays it floats around in space in guitar spacesuits.

Name: Liph Phawrance
Gender: Male
Race: Ghost
Class: Lawyer
Biography: Liph died when he attempted to unplug his toaster. He was never that smart. So Liph sat in the chair at his table waiting for his toast to pop out. It did. His house burned down. Liph thought that waiting for his toast to be done was his unfinished business, he knew how ghosts worked. He was wrong. His unfinished business was to unplug the toaster. Which never got unplugged because his house burned down. Then the destruction crew came and threw all of the burnt stuff into the back of their truck and drove away to some obscure dump. So Liph was stuck as a ghost until he found where his unplugged toaster was. He searched for about a day before saying 'fuck that' and haunted some kid for his Phoenix Wright games and became the best ghost lawyer there ever was.

Name: Yaoueueia (8 syllables, japanese)
Gender: Female
Race: Chupacabre
Class: Carpenter [profession]
Biography: Yaoueueia lives in the mountains, where she plays with rocks, all day. After an arousing game of kick rocks down the mountain, she realized that she had run out of rocks. So, she built some new rocks. it was then that she discovered that she had carpenter [profession] skills. Within a day of soft, squishy work, she converted the entire mountain into a giant big rock.

Yaoueueia then left the mountains, because there was no mountain, only a big rock the size of a house. She rolled it into New World, smashing everything that was in her path on accident. After finding out what she had done, she resolved to compensate and use her carpentry skills to make everything better, if you know what I mean.

Yaoueueia speaks Spanish, Japanese, English, Common, and Portugese. Both of her parents turned to stone in the sunlight, but that kind of thing doesn't happen to Yaoueueia because petrifiableness is recessive. On the contrary, Yaoueueia has the power to turn things into rocks, but only if they are already rocks. Her measurements are 22 20 34

Name: Allen Gation
Gender: Bearded Swordsman
Race: Bearded Swordsman
Class: Lawyer
Biography: Allen was the latest in a long line of bearded swordsmen. As he grew up, he was taught the importance of justice and to do what he could to protect the innocent.
Really, law school just seemed like a natural extension of those lessons.

OH CYBER DID YOU MAKE THE SUPERTOASTER RACE JUST FOR ME I FEEL SO FLATTERED

Name: Toasty Megalo
Gender: Anything you want babe
Race: Supertoaster
Class: Card Gamer
Backstory: Toasty, as they called him in elerobotry school, was a fanatic of Yu-gi-oh but his Adopted human mother computer engineer said that storing that memory of Children's Card Games will waste the usefulness of all the RAM he has. Toasty didn't give a fuck about what his mom said and started smoking Uranium to make his RAM larger and his processing power greater so she wouldn't complain, but doing this was illegal. Unfortunately this lead to Toasty getting AIDS in his Pelvic Thrusting Mechanism when he tried banging a human while high on Uranium. Uranium was already expensive as is, why did he have to hire a prostitute too?! Well his mom kicked him out of the house (The age of majority is 1000 cycles, so she would've done this eventually.) So Toasty left the house, only Cards in hand and became a robot prostitute that can roleplay in Yu-Gi-Oh format (Oh baby, I'll summon my Dark Magician on your Magician Girl) and other horrid innuendos you'd rather not hear.

He did this for a few hundred cycles, but the need for genderless, bisexual robot prostitutes was declining. Toasty had to look somewhere else.

Toasty found a sign near a grand hotel with Spiteland's logo. When he went up closer, details appeared of what it is and how to get there. All of the details sounded just peachy so Toasty mashed the pop-out keyboard with his Pelvic Thrusting Mechanism and Metallic Chewing Apparatus to input his details and to make sure no one else would try and go there as well.

Name: Lee "Potato" Wong
Gender: I dunno, prolly male.
Race: Pandaman
Class: Potato Scholar
Biography: Lee was well known around the world as a world class wrestler. He was one of the best, able to pin someone down and win the match in under a minute. His best known tactic was the "potato" tactic, where he would pelt the opponent with spuds to distract them while he took them down. But alas, something then changed. The worlds biggest wrestling circuit went "professional", and ditched actual matches. Lee, refusing to abide by these terms, was dumped.

In the following years, he went from place to place, looking for more things to do. Eventually he found this small wrestling club, built under an irish diner. He went there, only to find out that it would take a membership to join. And he was broke. That's when his second stroke of luck occurred, and he discovered that the irish diner was looking for a potato peeler. He signed up immediately, and over time, his skill at the profession grew, allowing him greater and greater potatoing skill at the wrestling ring. He could carve potato knives, potato ropes, even make potato glue or oil to trip up the opponent. This was a great life.

But then, the ring was discovered, and the facility shut down. Lee had to find another place to go. He was walking around, wondering where to spend his savings, when he saw a poster for Spiteland, as a land of agression. He immediately bought a ticket with all of his money, and took the first boat over. He was home.

Name: Oscar McGarbageson
Gender: Banana Peel
Race: Trash Golem
Class: Paladin
Biography: Oscar was created, and subsequently abandoned, by his "father", the Great Wizard Garbo the Repugnant. After spending a couple decades or so bumming food and shelter off random strangers, Oscar decided to try a new strategy and dedicated his life to one of the local minor gods. (That way he could get away with sleeping on the church pews 6 nights out of the week and spite his dickhead dad at the same time! It was perfect!)

Unfortunately, Garbo the Repugnant was killed in a horrific transmogrification accident, long before Oscar ever got the chance to kill him himself. Oh well. Oscar keeps up with the Paladining business anyway, because why the hell not. It's a living at least.

His employer is Melodica, the Goddess of Beautiful Music. He owns a bagpipe that he plays to get on her good side every now and again. Hopefully there'll be few enough paladins in this "New World" place that he jack his prices for evil smiting up as high as he wants.

Name: Kilhe Wrahle
Gender: None of your goddamn buisness
Race: Orca
Class: Lawyer
Biography: K. Wrahle graduated from Harvard a few years ago and has been representing aquaman for years after. Since nothing could ever be so degrading, he? moved to spiteland.

Name: Beethoven XXIXIXIIXIX
Gender: Male
Race: Bearded Swordsman
Class: Fighter/Organist
Biography: One of the many decendants of the famous pianist, similarly named after his hather and father's father^infinitum. He attempted to become a paladin, but fate intervened when the curse of the family blood awakened under a crecent moon. His precious sword that sustained his life suddenly morphed into a piano (like a midas touch dealio) and became the keyblade (harhar), forcing Beethoven to continue his family lineage once more.

Name: Player Name
Gender: Male
Race: Human
Class: Shiv Knight
Biography: Went through life making no choices of his own, and saying "Yes" and "Okay" to anything people asked of him. This eventually landed him in prison because Shiv Knight was closest to the Next button in the character creation menu someone asked him to kill someone. Now out of prison, he's started a new life of still not really caring what the hell he's doing.

Name: Stumpy
Gender: Figure it out yourself Dumbass
Race: They Prefer To Be Called Little People
Class: Obliterator
Biography: Stumpy used to have an elegant name, but everyone just called him Stumpy so he just got it changed because why the fuck not. It's just way easier to call someone by a defining physical aspect than it is to just remember their name right?

Oh, but he'll show them. He'll show them all! He'll show them who's really just a sum of a few defining traits, starting with Todd Seltzer, Internet Blogger, Birthdate: August 12, 1987, Mother: Terese Spitz! Muahahaha!

Name: Phoenix Wright Olbaid Le
Gender: ALL FOUR BABY.
Race: 40k marathon El Chupacabra/Lizardman X2
Class: Lawyer
Biography:
Olbaid was but a simple demon that lived in the superland of utopiapandoraville in the book farenheit 451 who decided to abandon his parent's choices for him and become a rock-and-roll lawyer of the 27th and a half century. That didn't work out, seeing he was nowhere near that time. Also had no musical talent so decided to become a fry cook. His job fired him for being too overqualified and sent in 12 low elves and 16 teenaged dropout humans to take his place. So he got sad and went to astronaut school. there he became the best defensive prosecutor of the underworld who lives in the upperworld known as mole people land!
Now he's just a lawyer in spiteland because he got bored of that job.

Captain Plunk
Gender: Dude
Race: Pangolinman
Class: Bird Rider
Biography: A MILD-MANNERED PANGOLINMAN ONE DAY DECIDED THE COMMUTE TO HIS JOB WAS TOO MUCH TO ROLL ADORABLY TOO, SO HE LEARNED TO RIDE ON BIRDS. THEN HE DECIDED FUCK THIS JOB I CAN RIDE BIRDS. THEN HE ROBBED A JEWELRY SHOP BECAUSE FUCK THE LAW I CAN RIDE BIRDS. THEN HE FLED TO SPITELAND TO START A NEW LIFE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T OUTFLY THE GUILT.

what is this i'm probably going to regret doing this ahhhh

Penne Parmesian
gender: linguine
race: trash golem
class: pastamancer
Penne was a dumpster behind a medieval Macaroni Grill that suffered a lot of abuse from the workers. They did not clean her, ever, and eventually she became sentient. She tested her newfound sentience by breaking into the sacred Macaroni Vault, and consuming the Goddess Hair Pasta contained within. Too many years later, the kingdom of noodles she constructed fell to a flock of italian vampires, and now she seeks her revenge........................

Name: Healthy
Gender: Lady
Race: Chupacabra
Class: Nutritionist
Biography: Healthy is one of those militant hippy vegans looks down her scaly nose at anyone who dares so much as look at a steak. She insists her blood is an ugly necessity of her diet and is sourced only from organic low-food miles goats and totally not random hookups on the street.

She also runs a beauty parlour with suspicious-viscera facials and other beauty products.

Name: Appallo
Gender: Neutral/Female
Race: Trash Golem
Class: Astronaut(?)
Biography: Every child in the world (though not necessarily this one, as any theoretical cartographer would point out), at some point or another in their life, usually between the ages of six and ten, gets it into their heads that wouldn't it be cool to go into space? And they let their imagination take over, and start getting into it, but eventually they realize how silly and dangerous and childish that all is. They grow up. They get tired of the idea, and discard it. Along with the inevitable imaginary rocket built out of cardboard boxes.

For Appallo, finding a spaceship is not the problem.

Name: Socks McSockington/Von Calvinklein

Gender: N/A

Race: SOCK PUPPET

Class: GOOD/EVIL WIZARD

Biography:

SpoilerShow

THE COMPELLING SAGA OF A SOCK PUPPET WIZARD

FIND IT ADORABLE

as he is created by a small child who he quickly befriends

GASP

as he is abandoned by his creator

GASP AGAIN

as he BECOMES A WIZARD WITH SPLIT PERSONALITIES

Socks McSockington had humble beginnings, as the best friend and playmate of little Billy Winchester of 24A Grove Lane. You see, Billy was magically talented, and at a young age began imbuing all his playthings with life - though it was usually of a limited sort. After bringing some googly eyes home one day he forged his most ambitious creation, the first to achieve true sentience - Socks. The two became fast friends, engaging in all sorts of tomfoolery together. Some of Billy's magical powers even began to rub off on Socks, enabling even greater shenanigans.

However, all good things come to an end, and so it was with their partnership in childhood magical pranks. Billy grew up, and upon entering high school realized that hanging out with a sock puppet all day was, like, totally uncool. Shoving Socks in an attic drawer, Billy instead joined one of the many school clubs available to him.

In the drawer, Socks waited, and waited, and waited - but Billy never came back. His hope turned to loneliness, and that loneliness turned to rage - a rage he internalized, but never acted upon. How could he? He was a sock, trapped within an attic. Socks was alone for weeks, months, years - until finally, the drawer opened once more. But it was not little Billy who opened the drawer, but an unfamiliar little girl. She seemed terrified, and Socks could see that something was awfully wrong.

A shout came from downstairs, and the girl dashed to a corner, Socks in hand. There was some brief commotion before the house fell silent again save for the girl's short breaths and the footsteps and swish of robes, coming up the attic ladder. The robed figure reached the attic, and Socks gasped in recognition.

It was none other than Billy, all grown up. Except he was also A WIZARD. EVIL WIZARD. The high school Evil Wizarding club obviously hadn't been the best of influences.

Socks tentatively, hopefully dared to squeak 'Billy?' before being shouted down by his former master, who wanted nothing to do with things from before his REIGN OF TERROR.

'MY NAME IS WILLIAM THE TERRIBLE, KNAVE' Billy screamed, exploding the girl holding Billy into a spray of hay and chicken feathers. William realized too late that he had made a terrible mistake, for the force of the spell turned Socks inside-out - and released the emotional damage a decade of neglect had inflicted upon him in one magically-charged instant.

Socks was reborn. No longer socks, he was VON CALVINKLEIN: a spiteful, EVIL WIZARD (sock puppet). Von Calvinklein proceeded to engage in a battle with William that leveled the two wizards' childhood home, and reduced the rest of the neighborhood to a hay-filled wasteland. When the sock puppet seemed to gain the upper hand, William fled - leaving Von Calvinklein, who had not studied Basic Teleportation, behind. Von Calvinklein swore he would hunt William down as revenge for the years of abandonment, before collapsing from the exertions of the battle.

He was then picked up by a curious magpie and carried to Spiteland while he was passed out. This transport also turned him inside-out again, and he awoke as Socks. He remembered nothing of his battle with Billy, his memories cutting off at the point where Billy cast the spell that destroyed the mysterious little girl who had rescued him from the drawer. Newly empowered with WIZARDLY SPELLS, he dreams only of redeeming his former master so they can return to the innocent fun of their youth.

Little does Socks McSockington realize that something far more troubling lies within himself.


TL;DR Sock Puppet Good Wizard who is Evil when turned inside-out and wants to redeem/get horrible revenge on creator.