Rabbits on Mars

You are Jack Rabbit. You are a rabbit and you are on Mars. You are also the leader of an elite team of rabbits, the Awesome Rabbit Shotgun Elites, on a mission to take down the Space Mafia.

In order to do this, you'll need to equip all your troops with shotguns and carrot hats. Unfortunately, your right-hand rabbit, Harebrain, lost all the equipment in the Martian swamp. You probably should stop putting him in charge of supplies, and for that matter, everything else.

Anyhow, you've got to find some new shotguns and carrot hats for your squad. But where on Mars are you going to find them?

Look in some craters.

Look in some craters for swamp-diving equipment.

Climb Olympus Mons; ask the Mars Hermit on top for assistance.

Obviously you ned to go to earth.

Look in some craters.

Craters? Sure, if you wanted to send good rabbits on a suicide mission. Even if you brought the whole company, you'd be no match for a nest of craterworms. Especially when you're already unarmed!

Frankly, it would be easier to extract your gear from the swamp, except Harebrain lost the swamp-diving equipment somewhere in the desert.

Look in some craters for swamp-diving equipment.

Yeah, no. Any swamp-diving equipment in a crater belongs to the nomads, and those guys are even more dangerous than the craterworms. If you take something from them, they'll track you down to the ends of Mars to get it back. So that's not an option.

It's pretty clear that you've got to stick to safe places for now. Cities, for instance. Unfortunately, the nearest city is three days away, and time's a luxury you don't have. There's a deal going down between the Space Mafia and the Space Yakuza in just a few hours, and it's your best chance to launch an ambush.

But an ambush without weapons or carrot hats isn't much of an ambush. Not unless you had a brilliant plan, of course.

You got a brilliant plan, Jack?

Climb Olympus Mons; ask the Mars Hermit on top for assistance.

No, you don't. But the Mars Hermit is on Olympus Mons, which isn't too far off. And he's the best strategist on all of Mars.

Thing is, time's still tight. If you sent a team to the mountain, you'd barely have time for them to come back, and that's not counting the crazy task the Mars Hermit will inevitably ask them to do in exchange for their help.

Well, you don't have any other ideas. May as well put together a team. But who's going to be on it?

Your available rabbits, other than you, are:

• Harebrain: Your aforementioned right-hand rabbit. He's not too bright, but he's tough as nails. Really dumb nails. You can kick him right in the face and he'll barely notice.
  
• Lucky: The rookie. Hasn't had any real frontline experience, but he's pretty good at getting out of tight spots. His good fortunate doesn't always extend to his teammates, though.
  
• Cottontail: Your strongest rabbit, by far. He's got a mean kick, and a temper to match. Nobody makes fun of his name twice.
  
• Lagomorph: This guy's a real bookworm. Not much of a fighter, but he knows more about Mars than the rest of you put together. Tends to babble a lot, though, and while he knows a lot, he's only average at putting that knowledge to good use.
  
• Harvey: This guy's your stealth expert. Half the time, even you can't tell he's around, it's like he's invisible. Tends to be a real loner, though.
  
• Big Pete: Big Pete is as big as two rabbits, and has an appetite to match. All those carrots have given him great vision, though. If you had your guns, he'd be a great sniper; unfortunately, you don't right now, and his size means he moves pretty slow. Plus, he's a big target.
  
• Aesop: Your fastest runner. Despite that, he's really lazy; once he gets going, no one can match his speed, but good luck getting him going.
  
• Flopsy: He's got the biggest ears of anyone in the unit, and it shows. He's really good at detecting trouble, as long as it makes a noise. Tends to keep tripping over his ears, though.
  

So who are you going to send to meet the hermit?

Obviously you ned to go to earth.

Earth? What's an earth? Quit thinking up stupid ideas like that and pick three rabbits to send up Olympus Mons.

Harvey, Aesop, Cottontail

Send Lucky, Harvey and Cottontail!

Cottontail, Lagomorph and yourself.

Big Pete, Lagomorph, Cottontail

Send Cotton, Lago, and Aesop.

> Kill them all, friends are for fish. Are you a weak little fish?

Aesop, Big Pete, and Lucky

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Spoiler

Harvey, Aesop, Cottontail

Send Lucky, Harvey and Cottontail!

Cottontail, Lagomorph and yourself.

Big Pete, Lagomorph, Cottontail

Send Cotton, Lago, and Aesop.

Aesop, Big Pete, and Lucky

Total votes:
Cottontail - 5
Lagomorph - 3
Aesop - 3
Big Pete - 2
Harvey - 2
Lucky - 2
Jack (you) - 1
Flopsy - 0
Harebrain - 0

After careful consideration, you decide to send Cottontail, Lagomorph, and Aesop up the mountain. Given Cottontail's temper and Aesop's lackadaisical attitude, you decide to put Lago in charge of the squad.

You promptly inform them all of the mission and tell them to go meet that hermit. Meanwhile, the rest of you will proceed to the ambush site and do what you can to prepare.

You are now Lagomorph, or Lago for short. You've been put in charge of a team consisting of an easily-angered guy who could rip you in two, and a lazy guy who can run really fast if you can actually persuade him to move.

You're more than a little nervous about this. It's your first time commanding a team, and also your first time climbing a mountain.

You, Cottontail, and Aesop are standing at the base of Olympus Mons. Cottontail is grunting impatiently, waiting for your orders. Aesop is yawning. He seems pretty bored by the whole thing.

Well, you're on the clock here. What's your plan for climbing this mountain?

> Tell Aesop there are female rabbits atop Olympus Mons.


If you get his libido going, you'll get him going.

Have Cottontail pick up the entire mountain and turn it upside-down. That way the hermit will be right at the bottom!

Ask Cottontail to carry you.

> Assign Cottontail to make sure that Aesop keeps up.

Give an inspirational speech!

> Tell Aesop there are female rabbits atop Olympus Mons.


If you get his libido going, you'll get him going.

What? Why would you tell him that? You know for a fact there's no one on top of the mountain besides the hermit. Why would you say something that you know isn't true? You'd lose your credibility!

Have Cottontail pick up the entire mountain and turn it upside-down. That way the hermit will be right at the bottom!

Now this idea is just absurd. You make a quick mental calculation and estimate that the mountain is approximately 4268.35 times heavier than Cottontail's maximum lifting capacity. Not to mention that even if it were possible, the hermit would likely suffer severe injuries in the attempt.

Really, you don't know where these ridiculous ideas are coming from. You must have read a very silly book and then forgotten about it.

Ask Cottontail to carry you.

A quick glance at Cottontail tells you that this is a very bad idea and the possibility should only be raised if it is absolutely necessary. At least you're in the realm of ideas that don't violate the laws of physics, though.

> Assign Cottontail to make sure that Aesop keeps up.

Now you're finally getting some practical ideas. Cottontail may not care much for you - or anyone, for that matter - but from your past observations, he likes getting orders that entail intimidation.

You order Cottontail that he's in charge of making sure Aesop doesn't fall behind. Cottontail smirks and glances in Aesop's direction.

"No problem. I'll keep him in line."

In the blink of an eye, Aesop is standing at attention.

"Yessir, I won't fall behind sir, just tell me where to go I'm the fastest rabbit alive sir!"

Well, this is off to a reasonably good start. Now, what do you do next?

Give an inspirational speech!

Ah, yes. A rousing speech to raise morale on your harsh trek up the mountain. Why, you read a book on inspirational military speeches just the other day! You hope you can remember one well enough.

"Rabbits, the mission before us is daunting. Difficult. Some might even say impossible. But together, we can..."

Cottontail growls impatiently.

"Can we just start climbing the damn mountain already?"

For the briefest moment, you consider asking him to let you finish your inspirational speech, but then you remember who you're talking to.

"Ah, yes! Of course, as I was saying, together we can climb this mountain. Onward, rabbits!"

You begin climbing the mountain. It's tiring, but not all that dangerous for the first hour or so. The occasional snarl from Cottontail keeps Aesop on task, although it also keeps you from conducting a thorough geological examination of the nearby rocks.

You soon reach a plateau, which is fortunate; you can take a quick rest.

Or at least, that's what you think until the giant snake slithers out in front of you. You recognize this species from your field guide to Martian wildlife; it's highly poisonous, and rabbits are its preferred meal.

You'd better come up with a plan, quick.

"Excuse me, sir, have you heard the good news?"

Don't worry! Impress it with your knowledge of antivenins!

> Pretend to be a Martian mongoose.

> Pretend to be a jehova's witness

"Excuse me, sir, have you heard the good news?"

Good news? What good news could you deliver? Everything's looking bleak.

Well, you suppose it's good news for the snake that three delicious rabbits have turned up right in front of it, but judging by the way it's salivating, you think it already knew that.

> Pretend to be a Martian mongoose.

> Pretend to be a jehova's witness

You have never heard of either a mongoose or a jehova. Are these more crazy ideas from that silly book you've completely forgotten about? Well, you're not going to impress Jack much if this is the best you can come up with.

Don't worry! Impress it with your knowledge of antivenins!

Ah, of course! You've read a number of treatments for this snake's venom, although really the poison isn't the part you're concerned about. Nevertheless, you begin explaining them in great detail. The most common remedy involves taking the bark of the Martian spruce and grinding it into powder, then mixing it into boiling Marsberry juice. However, if in the wild and unable to properly prepare that solution, the leaves of the common Marsroot bush are an effective remedy for most poisons, provided you can deal with the side effects of excessive vomiting...

POW!

"Thanks for the distraction, Lag. Can we get going now?"

Wait, what? Distraction? Oh, it looks like Cottontail punched the snake while it was listening to your explanation. It's out cold. Well, that wasn't terribly polite, but at least you're free to move on now.

Looking ahead, you could climb the sheer cliff face, as you did before. But there's also a narrow trail heading up the side; it would probably be easier to climb there, but you wouldn't have much room to maneuver if any more wildlife gets in the way.

Oh, and you can also see a cave entrance. But you have no idea if that would lead further on at all, and you happen to be well aware of the large variety of dangerous creatures that dwell in Martian caves.

So which path will you take?