The 2am thread

also re: the last page or so of posts. I feel like virtually everyone in the community here feels a bit isolated from everyone else? We all have our own lives and drift away from time to time, and its really easy to feel like everyone else is being better friends with each other or spending more time together or whatever? Its way less of a big deal to not be super plugged into the eagle matrix at all time, is what i'm saying

TW: I don't know how serious I am but I have to get it out somehow, also you know, suicide.

SpoilerShow

Pills would be easiest.

Easy to get. Relatively, and it wouldn't be painful. I haven't done the science on this. I just imagine that it wouldn't be painful. I'd just go to sleep.

Reality probably has other plans, but other forms of suicide scare the life out of me. Guns are messy and hard to get, anyway. Rope can break, and cuts... I don't think I could cut myself to death. I'd be too scared to dig deep enough. Draw blood, yes. That's fine. I deserve that. But to really shove a blade in there? I couldn't do it. I have better automatic self-defenses than that.

But pills? I'd just take one, forget I'd done it, then take another, and another, and another, until it's time to go to sleep. Close your eyes and sleep, I'll say, and those would be the last things I ever say.

Realistically, though, I would probably throw them up, or suffer irreversible liver damage. Somehow, that frightens me more than anything else. Surviving the attempt would mean I could never... well.

And I'd be locked up. Kept in a facility 'for my own good'. My parents said that. Everything was for my own good. What was best for me. I'd be there and I'd be humiliated every day and I wouldn't have my clothes, and I'd be beaten to death, and that would be a painful, shameful death.

I just want to stop feeling so... gray. So nothing. So broken. I just want to stop feeling the feeling of not feeling anything.

I just want to go to sleep.

im gross and horny and lonely and i hate so much about myself and im broken and wrong but i dont care i dont care i dont want to know i dont want to see and i dont care about whatever is wrong with my head i just want to be free and safe to continue on with my life instead of being in this hot hell thatis fucking florida and i hate it i hate it i hate being this garbage shit shit shit shit shit flesh shit

im so tired all the time and all i want is to change my name and body and ignore everything else thats utterly and completely wrong

i spent a lot of money on myself over christmas and i hate it like i hate myself bceacnase i havent done anything with half of it but im lying to myself and telling me that its because jacs here and not because im horrible and love to buy things like a piece of shite

i hate this

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i hate every single one of my problems that would be solved if it wasnt for the stupid fucking shit restrictions that are literally and slowly killing me until i can just be with jac lol

i dont deserve anything nice

I am so happy I stayed up to 2AM to see "Awful Games Done Quick".

Also, I don't have any classes tomorrow, so I'm going to be staying up a lot later.

i feel like i don't deserve friends and the world would be better if i just disappeared and i know these thoughts are temporary and i will survive them but it fucking sucks tbh

Helloooooo official worst thread of eagle time

Over the last illustrious ten pages of bad posts at ass o'clock I'm proud to say that this thread serves as a testament in the small hours as to why I don't want to be awake in the smaller hours

granted it did not work today because I caffeined up at 11pm like a goober

Things I did not get done this long weekend:

Dishes
Crafts
Letting out my feelings

I did play some good games with friends though? Anyone heard of Sherrif of Nottingham because I was a ruthless fuckin sheriff in that game

I am constantly trying to not have feelings about things. Current thing I'm not having feelings about: work.

Like yeah the kids are awesome and my supervisor and management are very chill but I hate being office mates with the really judgmental English teacher. Also everyone might be leaving end of March anyway and I don't even know!

Mitch is guaranteed here for at least another year though so she'll be seeing out my JET tenure lmao

So yeah kids are great, staff save the ones I directly work with are great, office environment (where I spend 80% of my day, mostly dicking around on the internet after I get lessons planned/worksheets graded) sucks assssssssss

Despite being the main staff room the atmosphere is...... Idk. I feel like I'm gonna be judged whether I'm reading books, studying, browsing the net, listening to music, or doing something other than the physically impossible task of five times eight hours a day doing stuff directly relating to my job

Kind of wish they'd be like "Welp if you've got nothing else to for the day/week you should head home after lunch" but lmao these people can't take medical leave without using their annual leave instead because it's a black mark on their employment record to do so

I'm different because I'm a foreigner so luckily my four days of hospitalization at some point this year won't be an issue but: good luck seeing my disorganized ass get to a psychtype before Christmas

I'm doing ok though. I'm anxious and stressed about the future and stressed about my job and my uncooperative meat chassis but I'm further away from a meltdown than I was yesterday, it feels like.

All I gotta do now is write a shitton and get a haircut and I can however temporarily pretend my life is on track




Good night sweet thread, may you fail to tempt me for another three months or more preferably

Its 2am and i am very tired and can't sleep. Which is very annoying.

hi thread how are you

im tired

apparently not tired tired attempts to sleep notwithstanding

just tired of a lot of things

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Oh hey I can actually post in this thread tonight, yay!

IT'S SNOWING STILL
THIS MAKES ME UNBEARABLY JOYFUL

I had the whole weekend to do my essays, and I ended up playing games. Now I'm awake trying to make up for everything

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