Vox Mentis

there's no food, this is bullshit

((ooc heads up that video is quote unquote creepier than the last one maybe don't watch while alone late at night))

These tests are increasingly bullshit. This a persuasion school, right? Well then, it's up to you to PERSUADE the teacher you have the right answer. Write "soup," talk yourself out of it. "No, YOU'RE wrong!"

((ooc? i didn't even watch the video this time))

Don't think of images, think of cards. You can move cards at least this fast, can't you? And you never lose track of them.


If that doesn't work, CHEAT. CHEAT HARDCORE.

You don't even need to see the answer, watch their hands as they write, and copy that.

Um.... trick question, there's no food?

Don't think of images, think of cards. You can move cards at least this fast, can't you? And you never lose track of them.


If that doesn't work, CHEAT. CHEAT HARDCORE.

You don't even need to see the answer, watch their hands as they write, and copy that.

Maybe it's like Family Fued and all you gotta do is agree with the most people. Has anyone been in the minority and been RIGHT yet?

Don't think of images, think of cards. You can move cards at least this fast, can't you? And you never lose track of them.


If that doesn't work, CHEAT. CHEAT HARDCORE.

You don't even need to see the answer, watch their hands as they write, and copy that.

Maybe it's like Family Fued and all you gotta do is agree with the most people. Has anyone been in the minority and been RIGHT yet?

I doubt it since Jane's been giving a yea or a nay to all the answers before she's seen all the picks. There's a right answer to these tests.

there's no food, this is bullshit

((ooc heads up that video is quote unquote creepier than the last one maybe don't watch while alone late at night))

These tests are increasingly bullshit. This a persuasion school, right? Well then, it's up to you to PERSUADE the teacher you have the right answer. Write "soup," talk yourself out of it. "No, YOU'RE wrong!"

((ooc? i didn't even watch the video this time))

Don't think of images, think of cards. You can move cards at least this fast, can't you? And you never lose track of them.


If that doesn't work, CHEAT. CHEAT HARDCORE.

You don't even need to see the answer, watch their hands as they write, and copy that.

Um.... trick question, there's no food?

SpoilerShow

There actually IS food in there, but as some of you have correctly inferred, this test might in fact be bullshit. The later tests aren't quite what you think they are. Also, apologies, maybe I should have warned about the creepiness of the last video - I forgot people might be reading this at night! Sorry!

When the sequence ends, you look at your paper and think: I have no idea.

The girl in front of you lets out an explosive sneeze. It's the kind of thing Jimmy might do when you want a moment's distraction, and without thinking, you flick your eyes right. The curly-haired boy's hands are moving. You watch the movement: APR. Then he stops for a moment, flexes his wrist, and resumes, making you lose the track. "Bless you," says the angel. Someone titters. "Quiet," says Jane.

You can't think of a food that starts with APR. You're mentally stuck on APPLE. Could he have written APP? If you can't think of an APR food in five seconds, you're going with APPLE. Jane opens her mouth. You scrawl: APRICOT.

"Answers, please."

You glance right. Yes. Jane begins to walk the desks. "Yes. Yes. Yes." By the time she reaches you, you've noticed a problem. The boy has APRICOTS. You're short an S. Jane pauses. You say nothing. Come on, you think. Apricot, apricots, what's the difference? "Yes," says Jane.

You glow. This is what you should have been doing from the beginning. This is how you'd accomplished everything in your whole life: by skirting - not breaking, mind you, because in the list of rules Jane gave there was nothing about cheating - skirting the rules. You shouldn't have forgotten that.

"Yes. Yes. No." Jane walks to the front and turns off the TV. "Thank you. This concludes the first examination. Please enjoy the rest of the day." People begin to talk, rising from their desks. "Gertie, remain behind, please."

You look at the ten-year-old. The kid looks miserable, so you lean over. "It's just a stupid test." You were wrong about this girl's age. Gertie's not even ten. "Don't worry about it."

"Elise Jackson," says Jane. "You may go."

"You're just too young," you say. "I was here a couple years back and failed everything. Next year, you'll smash it."

Gertie looks at you hopefully.

"Thank you, Elise," says Jane.

You give Gertie a wink on the way out, the kind that tickled people on the pier.

~

"Thought you were history," says the curly-haired boy. You had been passing by his room but now you stop. He's splayed out on his bed. The angel girl is in there, leaning against the stone wall.

"Just warming up." You go to move on, but the girl peels herself from the wall.

"Hey. I want your opinion. Why do the teachers here have fake names?"

You look at her, confused.

"Jane Austen. There's a teacher here named John Keats and a Paul Auster, too. Did you see the main board in the lobby? It says before Austen, the headmistress was Margaret Atwood." She raises her eyebrows.

"And...?" you say.

"They're famous authors and poets," says the boy. "Dead ones, most of them." He looks at the angel girl, amused. "She didn't know."

"Like I sit around memorizing poets," you say. "This is why I'm going to destroy you in the tests, because everything you know is useless."

The boy grins. The girl says "It's okay," in a tone that makes you want to hit her.

"And the school has no name. They just call it the Academy. Kind of weird, yes?"

You're kind of weird, you think.

~

Gertie doesn't come back. "The tests are eliminations," says the curly-haired boy, through a mouthful of rye bread at lunch. He's taken Gertie's seat. "Fail one, that's it. Pack your bags."

You pause midway through buttering a roll. "Who told you that?"

"No one. I figured it out. It's obvious, don't you think?" He chews and chews.

~

Jane comes in during lunch and looks at you in a way you don't like. Then she leaves. You continue eating, but your stomach forms a hard ball. Afterward, Jane and another teacher are waiting for you in the corridor. It reminds you of San Francisco, where you'd step in the front door of your squat and there'd be two skinny bitches there, hips jutting, lips like cat's asses, trembling with righteous outrage about something or other. Some debt, or thing you did. Jane beckons. "Elise. If you please." Her heels clack down the hall.

In her office, Jane gestures at a chair. The office is larger than you had thought. It has doors to other rooms, one of which Jane must sleep in, since she'd said to come see her any time of day. It has a single window that looks onto a courtyard, and a messy desk, on which stands a vase of fresh flowers. "I'm disappointed."

Alright, let's not even act like she means the fact that we cheated. Don't acknowledge it. As far as we're concerned, we're just gosh darn disappointed that we struggled with that exercise. "Yes, I am too. Next time I'll aim for 100%."

Shrug. "If there's tests that require me to crush a little girl's hopes and dreams, I'm out."

Oh, you positive Nancies! I say make this ugly. "I'd be disappointed in myself too, if I were you." See if she even notices you insulted her, and leave yourself a little wiggle room if she does.

Apologize that you didn't notice the literature author name gimmick until the other students told you, but don't you worry miss Austen, if that is your real name, you'll figure it out the next one.

Alright, let's not even act like she means the fact that we cheated. Don't acknowledge it. As far as we're concerned, we're just gosh darn disappointed that we struggled with that exercise. "Yes, I am too. Next time I'll aim for 100%."

Shrug. "If there's tests that require me to crush a little girl's hopes and dreams, I'm out."

Oh, you positive Nancies! I say make this ugly. "I'd be disappointed in myself too, if I were you." See if she even notices you insulted her, and leave yourself a little wiggle room if she does.

Apologize that you didn't notice the literature author name gimmick until the other students told you, but don't you worry miss Austen, if that is your real name, you'll figure it out the next one.

"Me too - next time I'll aim for 100 percent."

"We gave you a sizable opportunity. You will never know how great."

"Is this about the poet name thing? Well, sorry I didn't pick up on that. I'll get the next one for sure," you say. "Or is this about the girl? If these tests are requiring me to crush a little girl's dreams, I'm out, sorry."

"No, Elise. You know why you're here. The examination room is monitored. Carefully."

"I see," you say. There's silence. "So you're saying I did something wrong in some way."

"Cheating? Yes. That was wrong."

"You never told us to write down the food we saw in the videos - the only instruction you gave was to write."

Say it with enough conviction and she might actually buy it!

"You will be shown a series of rapidly changing images. One of the images will be of a type of food. You are to write down the name of the food."

We haven't broken any of the rules we were given. We watched the videos. One of the images was a type of food. We wrote down the name of the food. We haven't gone off grounds, or used the phones.

If you want to add MORE rules, or if there's a reason we shouldn't use all of our skills to pass these tests and take advantage of this amazing opportunity, as she says; well, we're listening.

"You never told us to write down the food we saw in the videos - the only instruction you gave was to write."

Say it with enough conviction and she might actually buy it!

"You will be shown a series of rapidly changing images. One of the images will be of a type of food. You are to write down the name of the food."

We haven't broken any of the rules we were given. We watched the videos. One of the images was a type of food. We wrote down the name of the food. We haven't gone off grounds, or used the phones.

If you want to add MORE rules, or if there's a reason we shouldn't use all of our skills to pass these tests and take advantage of this amazing opportunity, as she says; well, we're listening.

"Well, you should have said that using alternative methods was wrong. You should have said, 'Actually, we have three rules here, and the third one is don't copy off other people.' I did exactly what you said, and didn't break any of your rules."

"You think that 'don't cheat' bears stating?"

"That guy in San Francisco who sent me here, Lee, he knew I cheated people. That's what I do. I'm a hustler. You bring me here based on my skills and then suddenly I can;t use them? You never said that."

"This isn't up for discussion," Jane says. "A driver is coming to collect you. Please pack your things."

"Well," you say, "fuck."

"You may have been promised compensation for your time here. Unfortunately, that will not apply, due to the cheating."

"You bitch."

Jane's face doesn't change. You had expected some kind of reaction, from someone so nunnish. You assumed Jane was quietly furious, the way people get when you break one of their made-up rules, but the truth is Jane doesn't seem to care. "You may go."

"Forget the driver. I don't want anything from you." You get up.

"The airport is twenty miles. The driver-"

"Fuck your driver," you say.

~

You go to your room and stuff clothes into your Pikachu bag. Until this point you've felt nothing but anger, but abruptly you're heartbroken and shaky with tears. You throw the bag over your shoulder and bang into the corridor. "Hey!" It's the curly-haired boy. "What happened? Where are you going?" But you don't answer and he doesn't come after you.

There's no sign of a driver and you begin to trudge down the driveway. About a thousand windows look into your back, and you imagine eyes in each one. But that's silly; the fact is, nobody will care. You'll be gone five minutes and they'll forget you existed, because the place makes more sense without you.

Halfway down the driveway, a car crunches up behind you. "Elise Jackson?"

"I don't want a driver."

"I'm not..." You hear the hand brake crank, the door open. "I'm not a driver." It's the tall man you'd seen through the glass during your test. "My name is Eliot. Please come back to the house."

"I've been evicted."

"Hold up a second. Stop."

You stop. The man scrutinizes you. He has a stillness about him, which makes him hard to read.

"You cheated. Your defense is that nobody said you couldn't. I agree. Go back to the house."

"I don't want to go back to the house."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not going to make it, okay? It's pretty clear that everyone here but me is incredibly smart and knows, like, the names of poets, so... thanks for the opportunity." You start walking again.

He matches your pace. "There are two types of exams. The first tests your ability to withstand persuasion. The second measures your ability to persuade. This is more important. And from what I've seen, you have a good shot at those."

"Jane said-"

"It's not up to Jane."

You look back at the school. It's kind of tempting.

"It would be a shame to never discover what you were capable of." He shrugs. "My opinion."

Fine, but I'd better not have to deal with Jane for much longer.

"And which one of the two tests is this meant to be?"

Persuade him that you still get the money, since you came all the way out here and all. Jane is full of shit and needs to clarify her rules. Once those things are established we'll go back to the house.

oh man
what if jane telling you that you failed was ACTUALLY ANOTHER TEST!???
and you believed her?? oh man that's not good!

"Look, if I can't persuade Jane to not evict me..."

Fine, but I'd better not have to deal with Jane for much longer.

Persuade him that you still get the money, since you came all the way out here and all. Jane is full of shit and needs to clarify her rules. Once those things are established we'll go back to the house.

"Oh, fine," you say. "But I better not have to deal with Jane much longer. Also, I still want the money. And tell Jane her rules need to be clearer."

"Alright," says Eliot, raising his hands in mock surrender. "As you wish."

~

You return to your room and dump your bag. You don't think you'll have to wait long and you are right. The curly-haired boy comes in and looks at you angrily. "I thought you left."

"I changed my mind."

"Or someone changed it for you?" He folds his arms. "They only take one of us."

The angel girl appears in the doorway. You say, "They only take one?"

"I never heard that," says the angel girl.

"On the last day, if there's more than one candidate left, you have to persuade the others to quit. That's how you make it."

"I never heard that," says the girl, "and I say, welcome back, Elise."

"You're an idiot," says the boy.

"You're an asshole," says the girl.

The boy looks at her. "You might as well leave now, I bet you're persuasive as hell, to people who know your parents. In student council, you're a queen. But you're only here because it's supposed to be the best, and that's what good little girls do. They do their best."

The girl's cheeks flame. "Is this supposed to make me quit?"

"I already know how to make you quit. Have Daddy call and say he misses you."

The girl turns and leaves. You hear her feet slapping down the corridor. You look at the boy.

"This school is mine," he says.

~

Early next morning, Jane drives you downtown. She barely speaks and you're still pissed at her so it's a quiet journey. You pull into a parking garage and Jane kills the engine. You unbuckle but Jane doesn't move.

"Eliot thinks you're worth persisting with," Jane says to the rearview mirror. "It seems pointless to me. But occasionally he sees things."

You keep your mouth shut. You don't like her, she doesn't like you, hopefully soon enough your interactions with her will come to an end.

"Usually, this examination is administered by a junior staff member." Jane pops open the glove box and applies big sunglasses. They make her look elegant and sexy, not like a nun at all. "But since you are so allegedly bursting with potential, I wanted to see for myself."

She leads you to a nondescript street corner, where there's a grocer, a newspaper stand, and a dog tied to a NO STANDING pole. One of those things is important, you figure. Jane glances at her watch. It's early but the sun is peeking above the buildings and seems excited to be there. It you're going to hang around out here, you should lose the jacket.

"Our purpose today is to test your vocabulary," Jane says. "By which I mean your array of useful words." This doesn't clarify anything for you. "Are you ready?"

"Sure," you say.

Jane's sunglasses swing to the far sidewalk, which is empty. You wait. "A whore is 'one who desires.' The word is Proto-Indo-European. From the same root as love. Did you know that?"

"No."

"Today, the word is used to describe any person who can be persuaded. Most obviously, by money for sex. But also more generally. One may 'whore oneself' by performing any kind of vaguely unpleasant act in exchange for reward."

You shift from one foot to the other.

"A similar term is proselyte. Typically used in a religious sense, to denote a person converting from one faith to another. Like a whore, a proselyte is persuaded to perform an act. The difference is that a whore does what she knows is wrong for reward, while a proselyte does what she has been persuaded to believe is right." She glances at you. "You are to remain within three feet of where you currently stand. If you move beyond that radius, you fail the examination. You are to persuade people on that side of the road to cross to this side. You may not use the same method of persuasion more than once per person or group. Each person or group you fail to persuade is a strike. After three strikes, the test ends. You begin now."

You stare. Jane nods to the far sidewalk. A girl in a track suit is jogging down it.

What do you do?

Fall down, clutching your leg. Scream in pain and, to combat the bystander effect, yell at the girl to come over here.

Tell her they're doing roadwork a ways down but our side is clear

Fall down, clutching your leg. Scream in pain and, to combat the bystander effect, yell at the girl to come over here.

"Ow! Shit! Aaah!" You fall over, grabbing your leg. "Help! Miss, please help!"

The woman stops, checks traffic, and heads across the road.

"Feigning injury to summon aid," says Jane, retreating to the shade of a clothes store awning. "One."

The jogger reaches you, blond and sweaty. "Are you okay?"

"Sorry," you say. "False alarm." The woman gives you a dirty look and plugs her earbuds back in. You stand up. "How many do I need to pass?"

"I'm afraid I can't divulge that. But if you're interested, the record is thirty-six."

"Jesus."

"Eliot, actually. Attention, please. Here comes another."

A nondescript man walks down the opposite sidewalk.

Ask him to fill out a survey.