Hiccups (Text) - COMPLETED!

Challenge him to a hiccupontest. Whoever hiccups the most wins. If he starts to beat you, Feed/him/yourself the icecream to fuel your victory.

Wager, blah blah fate of the world, blah blah your servitude blah blah.

You hiccup a challenge to the mighty hiccup demon: If you can hiccup more than him over the course of ten minutes, he has to leave and never again unleash his hiccup curse. If he can hiccup more, he'll get your eternal servitude, which is a pretty good deal considering you're a volcano god.

He grins. "I accept. The countdown begins... now."

He suddenly starts hiccuping incredibly fast. You try hiccuping as fast as you can, and even swallowing hiccup-flavored ice cream, but before you know it, a minute's passed. He stops and grins.

"One thousand so far. *hiccup*"

Dammit, at this rate he can easily hit ten thousand hiccups before time's up. You'll need to find some way to delay him.

Surprise him.

Thinking quickly - and hiccuping faster - you realize that you'll need to get him to stop hiccupping for a while. Maybe a hiccup cure will stun him? Say, if you got him to stand on his head or drink water from the wrong side of the glass... no, those are tough to force him to do. But maybe you can surprise him and scare the hiccups out of him. Except, how are you going to do that?

BAKED ALASKA.

Maybe the ice cream vendor can help; you did grant him those ice cream-creation powers, after all. You wave to him and hope he understands.

It seems he does. He creates a baked alaska right in your hands, then collapses from exhaustion. Holding back the lava and then running all the way over here must have worn him out. Well, guess you'd better make this shot count.

You hurl the Baked Alaska in Hiccuptor's face, startling him. He stops hiccuping for nearly a minute before regaining his composure, giving you lots of time to hiccup. But when he does recover, he simply grins at you unnervingly.

"So, is that how we're going to play this? Very well then."

He snaps his fingers... and your hiccups are gone!

Right when you actually needed them, too.

"I command the hiccups, foolish volcano god. In case you're wondering, the score is 2000 to 1999. In my favor."

He smiles.

"I don't see any need to waste my power generating further hiccups now. I'll just watch you squirm as you realize how doomed you are."

Great. You've got about six minutes to find a way to hiccup twice or you're Hiccuptor's servant, plus he still curses the world (and probably you) with eternal hiccups.

What are you going to do now?

Laugh. Laugh not in joy, but in despair. Laugh, for the knowledge that everything has come to naught, and now there's nothing you can do.

Laugh, like only the bitterest of men can.

SINGULT EX MACHINA

Push him back into the volcano!

SINGULT EX MACHINA

Suddenly, an idea strikes you. Hiccupping is a mechanical process. What if you had a machine that made you hiccup?

You quickly turn to your hiccupping companions and explain your plan. They quickly get to work.

The police officer rides off on the Hell Cow to retrieve materials. The gnome begins drawing up blueprints, while the mountain climber distracts the demon with a game of charades to prevent him from interfering.

Soon, the police officer drives back in the ice cream truck, and the Hell Cow takes over distraction duty while the rest of you begin converting the ice cream truck into the Machine of Hiccups.

There's less than a minute left. Quickly, you sit in the Hiccup chair and press a button. It presses on your diaphragm and...

*hiccup*

Hiccuptor stirs. He snaps his fingers, and the Hell Cow's depiction of the Super Bowl is interrupted by a hiccupping fit. He then flings something at the machine; it makes a hiccup-like sound and then falls apart.

"So we have a draw," Hiccuptor says, grinning evilly. "But that simply means neither of us is bound to the terms of the contest. I can continue with my conquest, I simply won't have the soul of a volcano god. Hardly a great loss."

Thirty seconds left. If you could just hiccup once!

Laugh. Laugh not in joy, but in despair. Laugh, for the knowledge that everything has come to naught, and now there's nothing you can do.

Laugh, like only the bitterest of men can.

But you can't. You've lost. And you know it. You begin to weep, and then to laugh. You're a broken man. Freed from the hiccups that plagued you, just when you need them the most.

Ha. Ha. Hahahaha.
Hahahahahahahahahaha.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-*hiccup*

Hiccuptor's grin fades, just as the gnome pulls out a pocket watch and smiles.

"Time's - *hic* - up."

It's your turn to grin.

"No! No! How can this be?" Hiccuptor begins shrinking. Then he laughs.

"But I only agreed not to unleash my curse again. I never agreed to undo it. Those of you already cursed will simply have to live with your hiccups forever!"

That may be what he says. But you're a volcano god, and you're not going to take this.

Push him back into the volcano!

You shove Hiccuptor towards the volcano, aided by the mountain climber and the policeman and the Hell Cow. You push him back to the edge, but he's still fighting back. You don't think you have the strength to shove him over.
Then the gnome runs up to his ankle and begins pushing.

It's just enough. He falls back.

"No! No! You can't do this to me!" he screams.

You begin pumping lava from the bottom of the volcano onto him. He screams in agony.

"Please! Stop! I'll remove the curse! Arrrgh!"

You accept. You let him out. He flees the volcano, and jumps down the crevice, back to Hell, never to be seen again.

Everybody cheers. You have proven your worth as a volcano god, and more importantly, you no longer have the hiccups.

YOU WIN!

SpoilerShow

And after one year, that concludes Hiccups!

I may write up an epilogue in a bit.

Hoo*hic*ray!

Epilogue

Things are going well for you. At first you were a little unsure about being a volcano god, but it's a lot better than your old job.

The mountain climber still serves as your high priest. It's worked out pretty well for him, too; he gets to climb your volcano once a week to give a sermon. He says it's a great workout.

After the ice cream vendor regained consciousness, you told him to give control of his business to the gnome as penance for taking a divine gift dishonestly. With the gnome's business savvy, they're the most successful ice cream company in the city.

The police officer never quite understood what was going on, but he decided not to bother asking and just rode off into the sunset with the Hell Cow.

All in all, everything seems to be going smoothly. No hiccups, no eruptions, and you've got divine powers.

Although... Sometimes, when you go to sleep at night, after a long day of not having your volcano erupt, you could swear you hear a faint noise from the depths of the earth itself.

hiccup
hiccup
hiccup

But it's probably nothing important.

Yay!

Now I have a story to tell my future children why they get the hiccups...also why we have earthquakes.