The Book of the Courtier

Doesn't Esme want to...wear something not a dress?

That dress looks like it may become a comedic hindrance.

You know how wolves are always tamed in the movies by being handed meat? You should go get some meat for that spider

> Collect some wizard meat for the spider.

have esme replace her dress with iron platemail

Go to the wizard for <strikethrough>wacky spell failure mishaps</strikethrough> magical buffs and sage advice!

"That dress isn't exactly the most optimal thing to bring on a Grand Adventure," you say. "What do you have on underneath it?"



"Ha! Wouldn't you like to know."

"Well, uh, that is to say, your father would be crushed if anything happened to you."

"Relax, slimjim. I know what you meant. I've got trousers and hiking boots underneath."

"What if you rip it or something?"

"Then good. Fuckin' thing makes me feel like a cupcake."

"Won't it get in the way?"

"Says the guy whose sleeves are as big as his head."

The people of the Rookery are most surprised, it seems, to see their lady tromping around with you and a two-handed sword on her shoulder.
You catch snippets of conversation as you pass:
"A right she-beast, to hear them tell it. Temper like a bull."
"That poor fellow she's pulling along. Do you think he'll strangle her or will she whack his head off first?"



"Nice blade of +2 Penis Envy, your grace," the guard calls after them as they leave town. Esme cheerfully flips him off.
"Fuck off, Andre."
"Aye aye, mild milady."




"Well, here we are."

"Do we just walk in?"

"I dunno! I don't really talk to him. Dad says he's phenomenally powerful but has a mighty temper, especially when he's disturbed from his work. So there's that. Do we have reservations?"

"Nnno."

"Oh. Well, he probably won't set me on fire. I'm his bosses' daughter. Sooooo, you first."

You could argue "ladies first", but she'll take that as cowardice and/or your using her as a shield from this allegedly-scary wizard, which would totally ruin whatever cred you have with her so far.

So march on up those stairs.

You could argue "ladies first", but she'll take that as cowardice and/or your using her as a shield from this allegedly-scary wizard, which would totally ruin whatever cred you have with her so far.

So march on up those stairs.

Stairs? Who needs stairs? Scale the wall. The wizard will definitely to be impressed.

No need to be rude. Knock.
With your bullets.

Walk in with a friendly "hello"

Yes! You will scale the walls of the tower, the better to impress Lady Esme and the wizard alike! You'll widen a window with your handgun enough to squeeze through, then throw a rope back down to

wap



"Get in there, Duke Derring-Do."

Maybe you'll just use the front door.



The air in here is musty and stifling. The only source of light is the door outside, and the wind echoes into a low thrumming boom as it filters through the creaking tower.

"Hello? Anybody home? Your tower is very, ah, spooky. In a cool way!"

"WHO DARES ENTER UNINVITED THE ABODE OF THE GREAT AND PUISSANT YONATAN

IDENTIFY YOURSELF THAT I MAY KNOW THE NAME TO ETCH UPON YOUR PITIFUL CENOTAPH WHEN I HAVE ATOMIZED YOU"

Claim to be Sir Harry, son of Seymour, of the clan Butz.

Okay, you want to IMMEDIATELY ask if there's any favor you can do for him, don't even talk about compensation until he's calmed down.

Really, your only chance is to make the conversation about how your presence here can benefit him. Introduce yourself accordingly.

Ask how to do that booming voice, It's very impressive.

"I'm here from the homeowners association"

HELLO I AM ON BUSINESS WITH THE KING OR WHATEVER THAT GUY IS? DUKE?

WHAT IS A MARQUIS

Iachimo Grizalto, at your service!

'You've lapsed on your mortgage payments. We're here to repossess your house."

Yeah he's actually not at home. That's just his answering machine.

"candygram!"

You are Iachimo Grizalto, and the Marquis Viscia has (implicitly) sent you to his favorite wizard to ask for assistance in taming a giant spider / keeping Esme safe from said spider.

I think you mean "keeping the spider safe from Esme." Can't tame a dead spider, eh?

"I am Iachimo Grizalto, humble courtier and assistant to Marquis Viscia! He has sent me to rid him of his little giant spider problem in the ruins, and his daughter Esme is accompanying me. He has asked implicitly for your aid in taming it!"

"TAMING SKRISHTAS?"
"Verily! Provided that's the name of the spider."
"YOU ARE GOING TO DIE"
"Not if I do it right and not if you will agree to aid me, O mighty Wizard!"

"REMAIN VERY STILL"

"Okey doke!"




You feel the air shift and crackle around your feet as a haze of runes creep up your body.

"What did you just do?"

"YOU ARE NOW IMMUNE TO THE PARALYTIC VENOM SKRISHTAS BREWS IN HER THREE UNSPEAKABLE BILESACS. PERHAPS YOU WILL TAKE SOME ADVANTAGE FROM THIS"

"Thank you, ser wizard!"

"ALSO I THINK YOUR PISS IS ALMOND FLAVORED NOW"

"Cool?"

"DEEP IN SKRISHKAS' LAIR LIES A POOL OF ICHOR. IT IS BLACK. YOU WILL COLLECT A VIAL OF THAT ICHOR AND RETURN IT TO ME OR THE SPELL I HAVE CAST WILL TRIGGER ITS SECONDARY EFFECT, AND YOUR KIDNEYS WILL EXPLODE WITH JAGGED SPINES OF ICE"

"You done in there?" calls Esme. "There's a big ole spider waiting to get pulverized."

"JAGGED SPINES OF ICE, GRIZALTO"

"ALSO HAVE A GOOD TIME ESME"

D'we have vials with us? Might need to pick one up from somewhere.

...

...Wait, how will the spell know whether or not we've gotten the vial?

Remember to get the white ichor.