The 2am thread

I signed up for a new doctor today who will hopefully be less "i got past depression through willpower and doing things [that depression prevents you from doing]!" In good time too because i'm about to run out of meds whoops

I also emailed my previous qualifications to cpit and the guy in charge reckons i'll just wander in and get accepted easily, so thats nice. He also set up a meeting with the animation tutor to see if thats the right option for me? Though i'm p convinced i'll just do the general art course now

Paradichlorobenzene.

I'm torn in between listening to vaguely destabilizing music in order to reflect my churning brain state right now, or listening to straight up proper massive aggressive doofs in order to distract myself from said churning brain state.

I have a strange relationship with music.

I guess one of the big things that strikes me about the whole deal is the way I think about it. Music has always been, to me, a complex function that both reflects and affects my mind and how it works. And not just that, it has a dimensionality that I'm not sure anyone else sees? Maybe it's because of the way it expresses itself in my brain. Something in between the ears and the mind is changing it in a way that I can't really describe.

I don't think I can do my essays. Not with sickness on top of everything else. I'm a failure.

i'm a total fuckup lmao

Well

I'm gonna go to sleep now.

Have you ever wondered what it's like to live in a dream where the rules make no sense? How would we know? Inception bwaaaah

Making 2am scones, thinking about next years study

i think i undercooked these scones a lil bit but i don't care

i finally got a ffxiv job to sixty and nothing feels different but idk if thats because im not doing with the Fulll Loop since i dont have all the newest tier gear and stuff and im scared i guess overall???? i want to get to it though i really do i want to have fun..... with the video game.... i dont know what to do though leveling things and puttng so much time into it is so..... complicated feelings i guess... i want to be good.... and help friends.... and do cool stuff but im scared and suck lmao

i might play wow because im Hot Garbage and legion seems like it might be not shit and i love to play games with jac bc im gay

ive been listening to the giant beast cast and i like listening to it and especially austin walker who is getting a phd in nerd shit which i love??? hes cool and great and listening to it is so weird because its like, wow, these people know, like, when not to talk about thiings, and have good views on things, and arent absolute dog shit like woolie and liam of best friends play who have in recent times pissed me off to new levels where during a dungeon i had to move the podcast further because they were upset about stupid fucking shit that makes no sense like how is "if they were going to change it, they shouldnt have shown it" a fucking argument in a game that isnt out yet about a fucking ass slap like holy shit why do these kinds of people get so worked up over shit like changes made to r. mikas critical art or costumes in xenoblade chronicles x why dont they just look up their porn on the internet like the rest of us instead of insisting it be in every fucing video game

i want indivisible to be made and good even though it has bits thats are total messes because its like, so many good character designs and concepts a lot are just way better than skullgirls characters but its like, theres so much cultural appropriation and its such, a weird thing but its like, one of those things where im a selfish fuck who doesnt care because it looks nice and isnt trying to be disrespectful or anything and that doesnt really matter in thelong run but i dont know im not actually really paying attention to it i just want it lmao

i have a good monster edgy computer now but i dont use it for anything thats not fourteen or hots with jac and its like i should play other stuff on it but its so hard and its so easy to play fourteen and i love it lmao

im so scaed of where my life is going and i hate myself i ate out so much these last few days i shoudlnt have i should not have but i did because im crap lmao

im so scared and paranoid and i feel so unsafe and i want to be safe and cared for but i cant and that sucks so instead i play a hotboy catboy and hang out with people who are infinitely better at me at video games bc thats the funny thing im kind of bad at video games because if things go wrong i fail and flail and panic and mess things up and i wont ever have perfect tank pulls or perfect heals or remember to use everything and all im really good at is straight up fighting one boss as a tank because i dont have to move and i can just focus on cooldown management and aoe dodgeing instead of making sure that the enemies are in good spots for the dps and for their aoes and managing ther different positions and stuff..... ha ha ha.....

i wish i was better than i am

i wish i could get better

These voices telling me let it go (let it all go)
I try and try but I can't say no (try and say no)
This endless nightmare has just begun (nowhere to run)
My heart is dragging me down into oblivion

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can't wait for november to be over so I never have to look at a graduate school application ever again (hopefully)

Oh shit this is the second time in as many days that I am actually awake for this, the shitshow hour

before this (desperatey needed) long weekend, I'd actually gotten myself to bed by 1am most work nights under the delusion that if I weren't so far gone that I was eligible to post in the 2am Thread, I'd totally be a credible employee and not a faker fake covert millennial not trying hard enough to keep her job nailed down.

Things I actually did got done this weekend:

Mailed box to one of the boyfriends
Failed to mail box to the other boyfriend
Cried in a post office parking lot after a long day and incompetent postal services rendered
made a mixed media mostly-needle-felted Volcarona
Made a cat brooch thing?
Made a goddamn mess of my apartment
Bought some socks for various people
Did a dickton of laundry
Did not put away a dickton of laundry, two days later
Ate, I think?
Drank a lot of yogurt
Threw out one garbage bag
Went to my first gynaecology appointment ever
Didn't find a hat for my dad, will work on that tomorrow along with taking out the trash to the dump

Okay so first things first, although I normally am in Central Time, I'm back home in Eastern Time over Thanksgiving break so even though this website and my computer both think I'm posting at 1AM, it's 2AM where I actually am, so it totally counts. I mean, I'm not going to be awake for another hour to post in Central Time 2AM thread, and I wouldn't dare exploit that.

So anyway, I'm back to this forum because of the addition of the Fortuna chat here because gay robots have taken over my life and don't you tell me that's not what Fortuna is about because it totally is. Anyway, now that I'm back I still go to other parts because why would you only stay on one part of a forum? Exactly.

Also I'm looking for grad schools and such because it's my senior year in college and I haven't gotten that far in working on it, and as well as having to do that over break, I have like two papers and two projects that I need to work on, plus my mom wants me to clean up the house so it can be put onto the market and it's like I have no time to myself to unwind from the last few weeks.

Oh, and the reason I'm up so late is because I'm having an existential crisis. I mean, that's normal for everyone, right? It's especially not worse because it's been a year since I first came out as ace to someone in person (and I mean someone because it was only my cousin who got married to her girlfriend over the summer and she was the only one who I'd trust) and now this is just adding on to that deal. Like, my parents don't know that I'm X and now I might also be Y? That's surely not a recipe for things going wrong. Yeah, so just throw this on top of everything else that I'm dealing with over the break and you've got a great recipe for everything being hunky-dory.

So, how's everyone else who is up at this ungodly hour doing? I'm totally fine, thanks for not asking. That wasn't meant to be passive-agressive, it was just meant to be sarcastic-sarcastic. I tend to get sarcastic when I'm going through hard times or I'm really tired (and both are true). I mean, it's so hard to tell from this. There was like one sarcastic thing in the whole message.

HI kieros sorry to hear about being conscripted into the gender wars, which are relentless and unforgiving.

Hey I never said it was the Gender Wars.
Yeah it's the Gender Wars.

Okay, like seriously, I'm probably going to put something in the LGBTQ thread here tomorrow (technically later today but who cares) but the 2am thread feels just right for the venting out into the void of people awake at ungodly hours.

So basically I got linked secondhand to things closeted transgirls think and I was like "yeah, that's me and that's me and that's me and... uh..." and now with keeping that in mind; like I'm looking back on all sorts of things over the past... forever and it's all just fitting perfectly and I'm just... GYAH

Long story short: I don't know where I am in life anymore, as opposed to just not knowing where I'm going.

Also, to anyone reading this who's out shopping for Black Friday: WHY????