Kyle's Ice Brigade: For Hire

It is a time very much like the first half-dozen years of the millennium we're in right now. A simpler time. A time when the law is more of a polite suggestion. A time where blood is spilled nightly.
It is night in Rust City, and lights blink on and off in its aptly named, corroding towers. The denizens of the city are awake and carrying out their business, both legal and illicit. The ferric scent of the place is almost red with blood, gunpowder and gasoline.
And it's going to be a long night.



You are Sir Alexander Fleming, the brains behind the famous group of MERCENARIES known as KYLE'S ICE BRIGADE. You and your most advanced creation, Killgoat currently stand outside the notably less famous shop known as RUST CITY GUNS, the fifth establishment of this name you have visited tonight. The leader and lancer of your group are currently within, no doubt trying to extort the owner out of his FIREARMS. You are feeling particularly vehement tonight. What will you do?

:> _:

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For Hire is a weird experimental idea that me and Sprak had involving the team from Kyle's Ice Brigade.
hold on wait maybe I can do like a sales pitch thing.

AUTHORS, HAVE YOU WRITTEN YOURSELF INTO A CORNER? DO YOU NEED A DEUS EX MACHINA?
VILLAINS, DO YOU NEED A BOOST TO YOUR MOOK SQUAD STAT? PERHAPS SOME THEMATIC MINIBOSSES?
HEROES, IS THE BAD GUY'S BASE TOO WELL GAURDED? DO YOU REQUIRE ADDITIONAL TROOPS?
Fear not, for KYLE'S ICE BRIGADE is here to help.
For the price of but one fanart, gun design, cool idea or hug, YOU can hire the most OUTRAGEOUS team of HUNGRY-HIPPO-THEMED MERCENARIES on the forums.
Yes they are hungry hippo themed I should have probably made that clearer.
The nature of the contract will be determined on hiring, and no plot modifications will take place beyond this*

I am guessing I'd draw it, because let's face it, if you are the one doing the drawing, it is just me mooching fanart of my characters! What I am probably thinking is something like this;

Cool Dude PMs or otherwise asks Dalm to hire K'sIB!!

Dalm says ok sure and they work out exactly what role they want the group to play in advance, so that they don't take over the story.

Dalm posts in the thread, with the K'sIB appearing within the narrative! He takes commands for them until they have fulfilled their role, making sure everything he does is ok with the proper author, who has the ultimate over what actually happens. I guess the author can operate in parallel, if they like, controlling the world and main characters. Dalm only actually has power over KIB.

Then, when the predetermined conditions are met, Dalm pulls the mercenaries back to their home dimension, and a cool thing has taken place.
Optionally, Cool Dude can like make fanart or a neat weapon or something in return but that's not necessary, as long as the thing itself is fun!

--Testemonials--
Absolutely one of the worst things I have ever decided to do. They rebelled against me for 20 entire pages of zany events and caused complete narrative chaos, climaxing with the destruction of most of my house. The readers loved it, but I did not.
--Doc Coulton, Narrator-Protagonist of Trol Seasson

--Real Testemonials--
You definitely want to do this.
--Lieutenant Fish, co-author of Trol Seasson
*In the case of betrayal, a personal revenge vendetta may be created.

---

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Killgoat is in fact a mechanical goat, so you easily ride him like one.

You waste several hours on this idiocy.





Killgoat's inventory currently contains one (1) GAME BOY KILLER, one (1) VAN MODIFICON, and one (1) CRIMSON CHAINGUN.



You promptly remove the Game Boy Killer, and activate it.



One of your more useful inventions, the GBK is a miracle of amusemurdering enginightmareing which simultaniously acts as a RADIO, STATUS SCREEN, and MINIMAP, when suitable blueprints are present. Suffice to say you are never short of blueprints. It also serves as a games console, just in case you get bored. Like most of your tech, it is fully modular and can be modified with most items by placing them in the built in MICROINVENTORY.





Killgoat heads into the gunstore to find out what is taking the others so long.

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>Check Stats!

Check their stats remotely in case they've died in there or are poisoned or something

You can only view the stats of those who are currently in your PARTY! Due to this the others cannot be viewed at this moment in time. You can check your own stats, however.

FLEMSTATS

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You are Sir Alexander Fleming, probably the most powerful of the SCOTTISH SCIENCEMANCERS. Due to your high BRAINMIGHT, your skills include practically anything remotely SCIENTIFIC, such things as hacking computers, curing diseases, and acting as an ad-hoc medic for the team. You are pretty much their most supportive member, as your ARMSTRENGTH and FINGERSPEED are not nearly your best stats. Your CLOTHEWEIGHT is very high, as well, meaning your sneaking ability and speed is highly impaired.

Your current abilities include:

FABRICATE WEAPON: Though you are not the best GUNSMITH, you know many things about guns through SCIENCE, and can utilise the powers of SCIENCE to fabricate more powerful WEAPONS. The potential upgrades to a WEAPON will be displayed on the SCIENCE screen.

SCIENCE: This allows you to access the SCIENCE menu, as well as enabling your powerful HACKING, DEUS-EX-MACHINA-ING, BIOFABRICATING and ENGINEERING abilities. This is your main ability.

UNDEAD IMMUNITIES: Many people wonder how you can be Alexander Fleming, as he reportedly died in 1955, according to wikipedia. The answer? Wikipedia lied. It is in fact run by jealous scientists who are bitter because they do not have the secret to ETERNAL LIFE. You do. These are quite self-explanatory.

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I dare say you are the chumpmuch, sir.

>Make a dramatic entrance!

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Yeah. I am a huge chumpmunch. You can tell 'cos I read heartstuck.

Oh wait.

:smooth:

Deal with it.

You are now, momentarily Clancy Gunstore, the last surviving member of the Seven Smiths Armamant, the glorious regiment of GUNSMITHS from across the world, travelling it in search of wrongs to right.
You are currently engaged in a RITUAL GUNFIGHT with a potential client. You daresay he's doing quite well. You just wish he wasn't a GROTESQUE HORROR in HOTPANTS.

Store Owner: threaten to kick Barry out till he puts on a shirt

ALL RIGHTY ALL RIGHTY, you tell him, Ya gone done won this match son, you tell him, so ya can buy guns fra me. Just put on some god-damned clothes.



You are now Barry, leader of Kyle's Ice Brigade. You are in a drab, monochrome GUNSTORE and you have just beaten some old southern coot in a gunfight. Serves him right for being both old, and very rude about your clothing (or lack thereof). Now you can buy some gear for your GANG, which is pretty cool, you think.



You follow the dude into some big white corridor. It's kind of neat, but you want EXPLOSIONS AND GUNS, not APERTURE SCIENCE CORRIDOR STERILISER.

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>Are these guns better then the ones in the public parts of the store?

Ask the dude about matching themed weaponry. You are SO SICK of going to 1950s themed firefights and having Carlito show up with laser pistols or Tingle using some stupid volcano sword. You are a TEAM, and as team captain it is your duty to enforce a UNIFIED AESTHETIC.

You ask Clancy about the quality of the guns that he is taking you to see. He looks rather insulted that you would presume to inquire about the quality of his munitions, before promptly explaining that the guns outside are TROWELS, and the ones he is planning to attempt to sell to you are KATANAS. You ask him if he has any GUNS instead of katanas, because dumb japanese swords aren't really your style. He says fuck you, katanas are awesome.

He also says that if you are looking for a unified theme for weapons, you should make sure to consider the fact that your team will probably lose out on the DAMAGE BONUS provided by not using weapons with a theme they have specialised in. Anyway, the best theme is pretty much indexed grey guns, and that's why everyone uses it. You tell him that may well be the case, but you are tired of going to 1950s themed firefights and having Carlito show up with laser pistols or Tingle using some stupid volcano sword. You are a TEAM, and as team captain it is your duty to enforce a UNIFIED AESTHETIC.

He says he'll see what he can do. In the meantime, you look at your base stats for some reason. You kind of wish you hadn't left the ADVANCED STATSHEET in the van.

BERENSTATS

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You are Barry Berenson, gamer supreme and mighty LEADER of KYLE'S ICE BRIGADE. You may not be terribly SMART, or STYLISH, but you make up for it with your incredibly low CLOTHEWEIGHT and awesome FINGERSPEED, meaning you are pretty much amazing at AUTOMATIC WEAPONS and other TWO HANDED DEVICES. Your high FLOCCULANCE also means you can survive in much lower temperatures than the average human being, despite your lack of STYLISH THREADS.

Your ABILITIES are rather mundane for a FUZZKNIGHT (your class), and include STATIC ELECTROMANCY, which involves building up and harnessing STATIC ELECTRICITY. You also have the ability to FLIRT, with other humans, a technique which usually ellicits a FLIGHT OR FIGHT RESPONSE. You are adept at CHILDSCARE, an elite form of childcare which revolves around frightening the infant into not causing any trouble while you are in charge.

wait wheres carlito

Visit the Rusty Krab

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Who's that boy??

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IT'S CARLITO



Yes, your name is Carlito Carlito, and you are the Second In Command of Kyle's Ice Brigade. Of course, that's not really saying much, seeing as EVERYONE in Kyle's Ice Brigade is the Second In Command of Kyle's Ice Brigade. You also act as a WILD CARD for the group, as you are BIZARRE, UNPREDICTABLE and have a REALLY ANNOYING VOICE. Your only exceptional qualities are your spectacular DAPPERNESS, your high FINGERSPEED, and your quick SPEED. These make you a perfect MAFIASSASSIN, despite your lack of flocculence.

Your abilities pretty much involve BEATING things in imaginative ways. You are incredibly proficient at the art of BEATING objects, despite your mediocre ARMSTRENGTH.

Carlito: wash hands

Good idea! Cleanliness is its own reward.

No! You know how Barry feels about hygiene. What would he think of you if he caught you washing your hands!?

My God. What if he finds out?



You-

You can't do it.



Cleanliness is your SECRET SHAME.

---

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You exit the Hated Bathroom and arrive within the kitchen of the most disrepuatble restraunt in town. The Rusty Krabb. This place, according to Barry, is a wretched hive of SCUM AND VILLAINY most nights. You are quite sure that was one of his DUMB REFERENCES, but you don't really care. Next to the door is the Rusty Krabb's special recipe; The Meat Slab. You are pretty sure it is toxic.

Regardless of the poisonous nature of this lump of beef, it is probably time for you to you rendezvous with the rest of your gang.



Barry senses a disturbance.



You exit the Kitchen, and enter the MAIN GLUTTONHALL. The place is poorly lit, and the colour scheme was probably deliberately chosen either to compliment the aesthetic of the rest of the city, or to disguise old blood stains. Either way, it is distinctly ferrous, and somewhat hard on the eyes. It appears that Tingle and Angry Woman are already here. The rest of the restraunts disreputable clientele appears to be absent. They probably caught wind that the KIB were doing business upon this particular evening, and have gone to one of the city's other freakhives.




You comment on the night, and its bloody atmosphere, despite the fact that you saw these two immediately before you went to the bathroom.

Suffice to say neither of them have much to say.



Barry arrives.

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Carlito: TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT

>Carlito: Succumb to brutal grubbings.

Barry appears to have sensed your cleanliness, and come to brutally explain why it is against the workplace ethics of the Kyle's Ice Brigade; he really doesn't like SOAP. He explains that you are making him look bad, and while you may be THE LANCER of the group, and thus the second in command, you are not supposed to be the polar opposite to him, just a contrast.
He also explains that due to your disregard for the rules of the trade, he had to stop his transaction concerning NEW FIREARMS, so now no one is getting any.

You sayiAwww, hõwa cän you be suchä códó, gúéy!?
He responds saying that it is what you get for being a weak sissy, and continues drubbing you.

>Play dead, this is just like in those nature docs

That might just be crazy enough to work! You let loose your most Mexican HRRK





You are pretty sure it worked.



You are congradulated for your efforts with barry's foot. IT REEKS OF DECAY!

>Punchup: Occur

Nah, you're more mature than that, but you are still somewhat annoyed.

Also Killgoat and Fleming turn up. Looks like your CLIENT is due to turn up soon. Anything else you want to do before he pops in?

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>Nah

That's strange. It feels like you haven't done anything in months! How odd.
It feels like this place is getting a little cluttered, what with everyone being in such a small space and all.



You are now Barry. As you are the leader of the party, you somehow absorb everyone else into you, for now. Carlito thinks this is gross.



A DOOR slams off to the right of the screen. The icon signifying the presence of a QUEST-GIVER appears. You wonder who it could be.

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It's Gene Rabbs, owner of the Rusty Krab, a food chain notorious for its grotesque CONCOCTIONS and vast slabs of MEAT. Oddly, however, it is usually full of people willing to hire mercenaries to kill 10 rats, murder boars, collect mushrooms, or other such tasks. You guess that something about the place just attracts such LOWLIFES.



He appears to have WORK for you.

What will you do?

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Accept job before he even says what it is.

Also, compliment his taste in fine apparel.

>Work for disgusting slob like you, rot gum? Hell Yes

You speak up before the rest of your party can object, and swiftly ACCEPT his mission offer. You also compliment his fine taste in CLOTHING. You particularly like his CHESTWRAPS.

Ask for the dirty details

You ask him for the DETAILS. He grunts in acknowledgement, and then begins to EXPOSIT sloppily. It's quite disgusting.






He does a little EXPOSITION DANCE, possibly caused by meat-induced BOWEL TRAUMA, and states that should you complete the mission, you will recieve MUH-KNEE, and a NEAT GUN.

Your GAME BOY KILLER beeps.

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Shit son this is really getting started.

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check for sidequests. all about that cash muh-knee baby BOOM

You check the QUEST LOG on your GAME BOY KILLER. You don't appear to have any SIDEQUESTS right now! Perhaps you will discover some later.



Also you all UNMELD from Barry, and head outside.

Check out your current weapons to see if you are well-equipped for the MRRC slaughter.

You inspect your MURDEREGISTRIES, in order to get a good idea of what weapons everyone has.

Angry Woman is equipped with a DEATHBROOM, a deadly weapon which can be used from SNEAK SNEAK mode, and can be used to CLEAN UP BODIES. She is also equipped with a pair of SKELETON CARKEYS, which can be used to access almost any VEHICLE.

Tingle is equipped with his two knuckledusters, KOOLOO and LIMPAH. These are integral in his secret PUNCH-YOU-IN-THE-FACE-UNTIL-YOU-DIE fighting style.

Carlito is equipped with his signature combo of TOMMY GUN and TACOHAMMER. He is currently equipped with the dreaded EL TACO DEL DIABLO, and a machine gun known as CUETE PICANTE, which is deadly despite its small clip.

Alexander Fleming is equipped with a SCIENCE GUN, which can aid him in doing practically anything SCIENTIFIC, as long as he has enough PHLEBOTINIUM to power it. He also has a MULTITOOL, which can be used to hack into computers, and fight them on their own soil, in order to enslave them to his will.

Finally, you are equipped with an Heckler & Koch MP5, modified to fire MARIO PARTY 5 DISKS. you also have numerous BOMBERMAN GRENADES.

> Realize [...] that you forgot to ask the guy where the Rib Crib was.

> Solve the problem with PARTY SKILLS.

Thankfully, you have a MAP.



Killgoat engages VANMODE.

> Have Angry Woman drive, since she is obviously the best qualified.

Actually, she is.

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You are now Angry Woman, the FIXER for the Kyle's Ice Brigade. Your speciality is getting CONTACTS outside the gang, and also just FIXING all of the ATROCIOUS MISTAKES made by the rest of your crew. Your main ability, however, is DRIVING. You have a PHD in THE DRIVING SCIENCES, and can basically outdrive ALMOST ANYONE. This skill has so far proven incredibly useful, even though your BASTARD BROTHER somehow achieved more with his focus on the ART OF JOY. Your exceptional qualities include a rather high FINGERSPEED, QUICKFEET and FLOCCULENCE, which allow you to move quickly, inside or outside a vehicle. Your low BRAINMIGHT is rather obvious from your GLASSY-EYED EXPRESSION.
You have acceptable FIRST AID prowess, and are adept at STEALTHING people, as well as CRUSHING THEM WITH VANS. Your weapons usually have a DOMESTIC THEME.

What are you doing?

Get there already!

MEANWHILE.



-fucking fish suit, you freak-
-RIBS ARE VERY GOOD-
-shut up it's awsome-
-I guess they're-
please pay attention to me



-say one more thing and I'll-
This is fun, we should-
Quack
-More often.
please anyone
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT ID-

> You aren't called the Kill Ice Brigade for nothing.

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he he he I stole all your characters.

but seriously if your character is here, take it as a compliment because I love your adventure.
Also don't be sad when I murder them all.

---

Latest update.

You land in a group, but you don't pose as a team, because shit isn't REAL yet.

> Give them all a bad case of indigestion, one bullet at a time.

Carlito steps up to the Challenge. He says something particularly earbleeding in his abrasive, painful VOICE. You don't really understand it, but you assume it was filled with mexican colloquialisms used in an improper context, and had a very inconsistent accent.

> Cameos: Hey, don't just sit there! Just because you have to die now doesn't mean you have to be defenseless about it! Fight back to ensure your eventual demises are AWESOME!!

> Customers: Be incredibly difficult to kill

Copyrighted Character ^™ agrees with the motions raised!

> Patrons of the Cribb: Equip ribbs for batle.

The deadly CAMEO SQUADRON attacks. Carlito can probably deal with these guys no problem.

>Glorious Cameos: Die Spectacularly.

Explain that you thought this was a die-ning establishment

"Ai Ai Ai Caramba! Buena onda! I thought-a this was a DIE-NING establishment, seniorita!"

What Do?

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Tip: You may suggest commands for any member of the KIB, including those off-panel. As the default strategy is currently in use, the characters have automatically disbanded off to their respective objectives;

Carlito; Currently murdering the denizens of the Crib.
Barry; Searching for Mibbs Ribbs with Tingle.
Tingle; Searching for Mibbs Ribbs with Barry.
Angry Woman & Killgoat; Searching for handily lootable objects.
Sir Alexander Fleming; Attempting to locate and hack the nearest computer to get security records for evidence.

Note; you can change these at any time.

>Somebody explain who exactly this Kyle guy in your group name is. Preferably at the worst possible time for giving exposition.

JUST CONTINUE SHOOTING. ALL THE BULLETS.

Also don't forget to reload.

JUST CONTINUE SHOOTING. ALL THE BULLETS.

Also don't forget to reload.

Carlito is disappointed in you. Now that you have mentioned reloading, It has become a thing that exists within the narrative! Because of this, he is eternally bound to the rule that guns may not fire indefinitely without any source of ammo.

Good job, he says. Of course, this comes out as more of an obscene pile of Mexican slang that I really don't want to write on these forums.

> Angry Woman+Killgoat: Stick with Flemming and watch his back while he performs the hacking, then proceed with him to your original objective. There's safety in numbers, and nobody's ribs will end up on the menu if you stay safe.

You chum Fleming to the nearest COMPUTER, overlooking the rest of the DEADLY FOOD COMPLEX. He begins to ENTER THE COMPUTER, in order to FIGHT IT ON ITS OWN TERMS. You are pretty sure that is how hacking works, at least.

Hold on.

Wait a second....



This is boring as shit!

> Angry Woman: Go rogue.

Angry woman activates the alarm.

>Somebody explain who exactly this Kyle guy in your group name is. Preferably at the worst possible time for giving exposition.

You have no idea. You are pretty sure Barry came up with the name.

Angry woman: Go rouge

Check your emails, Fleming!

Fleming: Become grumpy, refuse to help.
Angry Woman: Become angrier, refuse to stop smashing things.
Killgoat: Keep biding your time. The moment to strike back against these fools will come. You must be patient and continue to placidly tolerate their shenanigans.

>Angry Woman: Get so angry that the computer obeys you out of fear.

>Angry Woman: Get so angry that the computer obeys you out of fear.

The computer, terrified at the prospect that its continued existence may be in peril, does the only reasonable thing that can be done in such circumstances. It reveals the HIDDEN INFORMATION that its master didn't bother putting a password on, in an attempt to dissuade its assailant from continuing her DOMESTIC DRUBBING.

The first E-MAIL seems rather suspicious. The second gives off an air of unease and disgust.

Check your emails

check emails

HOW CURIOUS!!!

Angry woman: Go rouge

Angry Woman checks the second E-MAIL.

Read the two new e-mails as you fight security.

> Tingle: Tear alarm system out of wall/ceiling

Tingle does not see an ALARM SYSTEM!

Oh, wait.



There it is.



Security arrives!

>Exploit security's unresolved issues with their parents. Nothing beats security like insecurity!

SUMMON MALKYTOP

DUCK!