Riskal Fantasy - Week 7 - Your Guns Are Now Also Swords

THE YEAR IS 2101
THERE HAS BEEN A STRANGE SHIFT IN GOVERNMENTS AND THE WORLD IS RULED BY SIX NATIONS, AND IT'S ALL KIND OF SCATTERED AND CONFUSING.
ALSO COUNTRY NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO STUPID JOKES AND REFERENCES. I THINK THAT WAS BECAUSE OF A GUY NAMED STEVE.
NOTHETHELESS, THE SIX NATIONS IN CONTROL OF ALL COUNTRIES HAVE DECIDED THAT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
ONE OF THEM WILL RULE THE ENTIRE WORLD. BY BLINDLY ORDERING THEIR ARMIES AROUND IN HOPES THAT THE RANDOM NUMBER GODS AND PRIOR ACTION DON'T RENDER THEIR PLANS ENTIRELY MOOT.

LIKE MEN

THIS IS

RISK



There's a larger version of the board if you click on it

RISK? RISK!

I think it's time for a healthy came of world domination, don't you? Fogel will be helping me host this because I figured I'd have an easier time managing it with somebody who doesn't hate numbers and keeping track of them.

You all know the rules so I'll get right into how the internet is going to cha- wait what?

You don't necessarily know all the rules? Oh, uh, hold on.

So I'm pretty much sporking the rules from THIS LP OF SORTS

I don't know where my actual rulebook is so we'll be using the rulebook that's already up for display there

SpoilerShow

Now as for how this'll work, everybody will be deciding their actions at once. THIS CHANGES THE DYNAMIC OF THE GAME A BIT BUT DEAL, OKAY?

So every turn you'll send me and Fogel the FOLLOWING INFORMATION

• THE TURN NUMBER YOU'RE SUBMITTING FOR AND YOUR NATION NAME - Put that in the title of the PM. Just makes it easier to keep track
  
• WHERE YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR ARMIES - At the end of each turn, I'll mention how many armies everybody will get at the beginning of the next turn.
  
• IF YOU WANT TO PLAY A SET OF RISK CARDS - Also where you want to put those additional armies
  
• WHO YOU WANT TO ATTACK, AND ANY VARIABLES YOU MAY WANT TO ACCOUNT FOR - For example, you may want to attack Discount Children from The Jungle, but stop your attack if you only have 5 armies left. Also, if you successfully take over Ham on Rye from Chernobyl Jr, how many armies you want to move over.
  
• THIS NOTE GETS ITS OWN BULLET POINT - If you don't state any limitations or variables on your attacks, I'm going to assume the maximum. Go until either you or the opposing army is wiped out, move over as many dudes as possible, always use maximum number of dice, etc. Consider your options.
  
• TROOP MOVEMENT - If you want to move anybody around to optimize your defenses.
  
• (OPTIONAL) A PRESS RELEASE - Your nation needs to maintain public appearance towards your rapidly changing populace, and maybe sometimes you'll want to give an update on the state of your great nation.
  

And of course, you can surrender at any point. Just be sure to say who you're surrendering to.

ANYWAYS ONCE I HAVE ALL ACTION IN, I'LL ROLL A DIE FOR EACH OF YOU! Whoever rolls the highest has action priority. They'll take their turn first. If your turn rolls around and your planned actions are no longer valid, they will, unfortunately, be skipped. Try to anticipate the enemy. Turn order goes down the list starting from whoever rolled highest.

If I'm bored, I might try illustrating notable skirmishes.

SO I ANTICIPATE A LITTLE BIT OF CONFUSION ABOUT STUFF and have already had some confusion involving it. Luckily, that place I'm stealing rules from has already clarified these things for me!

Attacking - A commander cannot attack from more than one country at the same time. Attacks occur from one country to one country, in sequence.

Re-deployment - Redeployment at the end of your turn can only be used to move forces from one of a commander's territories to one adjacent territory. One cannot move forces from two or more countries into one key territory at the same time, nor divide excess forces within a territory and send them to different destinations. It is also not possible to redeploy armies more than one territory away in a single turn, such as from Central America directly to Iceland.

I, uh, I think that's it? Tell me if I skipped anything important or if you have any questions.

OKAY ANYWAYS
There are six slots. Just give the name of your nation, a flag, and your army color. You have just a bit over fifteen and a half million choices for colours, so keep that limitation in mind. Flag can be whatever you want really, it's mostly something to help represent you.
If you want, you can give a few extra details on your nation. It's not necessary, but everybody loves flavor okay have fun


NATIONS AND THEIR ARMIES
1. Central Mainframe Pinary - Robonia - Battleship Grey
2. Bitch in Chief Schazer - The Anarchist Collective of Displaced and Irked No-Zealanders (ACoDaINZ) - Mint!
3. Chancellor Granolaman - The United Hobo Federation - Grime Green
4. Presidential Figurehead Coldblooded - Pollutionist Coalition - BLOOD RED
5. Captain Gnauga - Pirate Parties International - Avolitious Blue
6. Alleged President AgentBlue - Nebulaic Collective -What is this (Goldenrod is what)

Nation: Robonia
Flag: Pending
Colour: Battleship Grey

Nation: The Anarchist Collective of Displaced and Irked No-Zealanders (ACoDaINZ)
Flag: No national flag. Instead, rip the shirt off the nearest enemy of the state and wave it around on a stick.
Colour: Mint!

Nation: The United Hobo Federation
Flag: White polka dots on red background bindle
Colour: Grime Green

Nation: Pollutionist Coalition
Color: BLOOD RED
Flag: (watermark included)

Description: The nation's stated goal is to build gigantic, toxin spewing factories all over the globe in order to "BUILD BETTER TECHNOLOGY OR SOMETHING". The government tries to hide it's true intentions with their anti-nature propaganda and frequently malfunctioning holograms. The robot overlords are seemingly the only ones unaware of the fact that virtually every human on Earth already knows about them. (Secretly, the robots are just a front for the real leaders, the Lizard People, who are in turn just pawns used by RXLWZ and UIO, Gods of Malevolence and Dickishness, respectively.)

Nation: Pirate Parties International
Color: Avolitious Blue
Flag: The Indifferent Roger (click)

A few extra details:
After the Pirate Party movement got traction among the increasing number of adults whose time, effort and loyalties went to the internet above all else, someone thought it would be hilarious if they all went and voted the Pirate Party as government officials across the world. The internet agreed, and succeeded in several countries. Nobody ever cared enough to vote them out. Shortly thereafter, Pirate Parties International, formerly merely a coordinating organization, became a recognized global power.

Nation: Nebulaic Collective
Flag: [# ]
Color: What is this #CD9B1D (Goldenrod is what)
Details: No one is particularly sure about the Nebulaic Collective, not even, it's postulated, its citizens. All they know is they pay taxes and in return they get public services back, when elections come about they vote for two equally vague candidates, and on occasion they'll be drafted. No one seems to care that drafting has happened a lot more these days...

Conveniently enough, suddenly the six nations of the world remembered what countries they were in control of, but they couldn't work out how they came to be in control of them, or why they were so far apart from each other.

That was one hell of a party.


You can click on the map for a closer look.

-Robonian Territories-
Iceland
The Awesome Part
The Jungle
Black Hole
Arctica
Customer Support
The Australian Border


-ACoDaINZ Territories-
Norselvania
High Culture
Heart of Darkness
Quarantine
American Oil Storage
Big Hamsters
No Zealand


-Hobonian Territories-
Russian America
Peruvia
Uncharted Territory
Greenland
Discount Children
Ham On Rye
Blue Moon


-Pollutionist Territories-
The French Part
The Foggy Part
Green Earth
Chernobyl Jr.
Alien Ghetto
Kamchatka
Yellow Comet


-Piratian Territories-
Orange Star
Taco Bell
Vuvuzela
Beer & Tea
Hitleria
Snow. Just Snow.
Some Islands


-Nebulaic Territories-
The Cold Part
Freedom
Strangelove's Nightmare
Wall Demolition Inc.
No Vacancy
Denial
Outback Steakhouse

All of the various leaders shake hands and leave the party hall, having sorted everything out and cleaned up a bit.
Whelp, time for war!

Everybody has THREE troops to place this turn.

Send in your actions this turn to me and Fogel.

Suppose I should also add: If you plan on not utilizing a phase to, say, forgo attacking or moving troops, say so. Just to let me know that you're actively not doing it and not just forgetting to put down everything.

I'm amused that the Pollutionists have control of Green Earth.

I'm astounded I ended up with No Zealand of all places.

Just popping in to say, that is a very amusing map. Good job on that map cyber!

THIS WEEK IN NEWS

ROBONIAN DIGITAL NEWS

Central Mainframe Executing New Sorting Algorithm

San Internio, Robonia - January 1, 2101 - Robonia's head, the Central Mainframe, has unveiled a new international sorting algorithm, known colloquially as "Altersort."

"ALTERSORT MAKES ORDERING AND ARRANGEMENT IRRELEVANT BY MAKING ALL ELEMENTS EQUAL," the Mainframe declared in a podcast earlier today. "ALL NATIONS WILL COME UNDER ROBONIAN RULE IN ORDER THAT THEY NEED NOT BE REARRANGED, BE IT TO FIT INTO ARRAYS, MAPS, OR DATABASES."

###

THE HOMELESS GAZETTE

Press Report Headlines:
Homeless Revolution Topples Multiple Nations
Citizens shrug: "We're Gonna Roll with It"

Chancellor Granola Working on Tan
Sets up Beach Chair in Sahara Desert

==========

What a wonderful day for a war! It's the first week of the year, so the war starting today should make it nice and convenient for bookkeeping!

WEEK ONE

Before we get to the all the violence, let's take a look at the state of the world and who's put how many dudes where.


Increase the size of your map! Details within!

All players rolled a six sided die to determine initiative. Captain Gnauga rolled a six, and therefore gets over his hangover first, making him ready to lead his troops before anybody else!



Now reinforced, Pirate Parties International make a move from Taco Bell to Freedom





The resounding success inspires Keith Urban to write a brand new song. From Taco Bell to Freedom is available on iTunes now.

FREEDOM IS CAPTURED BY PIRATE PARTIES INTERNATIONAL




Alleged President AgentBlue is next to get up in the morning, and he was sure he owned Freedom last night. It's still a bit hazy. Not too hazy to make some tactical decision though!
Right?
Right?



Deciding that you can never have too much frozen wasteland, the Nebulaic Territories mount an attack on Snow. Just Snow.



It was rather easy to pick off the opposition, who were standing in the open. Turns out the claims of there being absolutely nothing but snow were true.

SNOW. JUST SNOW IS CAPTURED BY THE NEBULAIC COLLECTIVE




Now, robots don't sleep, but there were podcasts to record and Tumblr was down this morning and sometimes you just can't start your day off right without looking at a picture of Dave Coulier.



Having dealt with all of that, though, Central Mainframe Pinary went right to work. A couple of ships were sent off of the shores of Iceland towards the Foggy part.



One of those ships, unfortunately, sank. The other ship made it, and the Robonian forces took out a group of Pollutionist businessmen, because apparently they forgot to have soldiers keeping the territory safe.

THE FOGGY PART IS CAPTURED BY ROBONIA




Bitch in Chief Schazer's head did not stop pounding since last night, and as such, she opted to hit the snooze button this morning. She can deal with the war next week. Her new troops probably made it fine anyways.




Chancellor Granolaman was technically up first. His primarily hooch-based diet has made him pretty much immune to hangovers. He merely decided to wait. Watch. See how the others would act.

Chancellor Granolaman forgot what he was supposed to be doing today and spent a few hours trying to remember before he realized he was commanding an army.



Noticing he apparently sent a bunch of bums over to Discount Children, it seemed to be a good starting point, and sent out the order for them to attack The Jungle. Seemed like the thing to do.



And indeed it was! In fact, that went well! Might as well take it further!



This can't possibly go wrong!



Oh yeah, no, okay cutting losses here. The Jungle is cool and fine yeah.

THE JUNGLE IS CAPTURED BY THE UNITED HOBO FEDERATION




Presidential Figurehead Coldblooded was still groggy. Why did he have to issue the orders to the troops anyways? Couldn't the Mysterious Shadow Government just dole it all out themselves? No. Of course not. What would be the point of being a shadow government if you can't make somebody else do all the trivial stuff. Alright, what on the list?



Alright, makes sense. Norselvania is relatively unprotected.



Naturally. Oh, there's more!



Pollutionist forces still outnumber the enemy in Greenland. Shouldn't prove too difficult.



Just as- wait there's more?



After two consecutive fights, you'd think the troops would be tired and-



...that. Well, Coldblooded is not one to question his superiors.

NORSELVANIA AND GREENLAND CAPTURED BY POLLUTIONIST COALITION


Here's the state of the world at the end of Week 1




Hopefully we've gotten whatever confusion anyone may have had out of the way. I know I have some to come. 18 images just for the first turn. Hoo boy. I think I have a system down, though.

Send your Week 2 actions in to me and Fogel!

Everybody still has 3 reinforcements.

THIS WEEK IN NEWS

THE NEBULAIC NEBULA

The Nebulaic Collective (if that is its name) allegedly may or may not have engaged in military activity with its surrounding regions. Our military, if that is what it is and if it is in fact ours, has reportedly begun transporting large amounts of snow that until recently was not in Nebulaic possession from and to locations unidentified. More news, or not, possibly at sometime later.

==========

Gosh, that week felt like it took almost a week. I'm blaming the nation leaders. Totally not my fault. Nope. All them.

WEEK TWO

SO WHOA HEY LOOKS LIKE WE GOT SOME REINFORCEMENTS UP IN THIS BITCH


Click now, and we'll throw in a bigger map ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Having spent an entire week resting, naturally Bitch In Chief Schazer rolled initiative, and was ready to act before all others! Rest is good for your body!



First thing Bitch In Chief Schazer did was try to go get a steak for breakfast, but upon attempting to cross the border to Outback Steakhouse, she was refused entry.



Retaliation was swift.



After a satisfying victory, and a celebratory meal, there was still work to do.



For example, there are still non-ACoDaINZ forces in Australia. Schazer sends word to Outback Steakhouse forces to be ready to assist of Big Hamsters fail to capture the territory.



The preparations were unnecessary. So far, naught but victory, but control over just a couple of territories won't win the world.



Two charges are planned on African territory.



Shit.

ACoDaINZ has captured Some Islands and Outback Steakhouse!
ACODAINZ HAS CONQUERED AUSTRALIA




Okay. Chancellor Granolaman was going to do it right these week.



Finish what he started last week.



Heck yeah. But not done quite yet! There's plenty of world out there!



Onwards to Chernobyl Jr. and wait were there are those people there before? NO MATTER! TO VICTORY!



Well he took down one of them and that's pretty okay he thinks! Even if he did lose most of his armies in Ham on Rye.

The United Hobo Federation has captured Vuvuzela!
THE UNITED HOBO FEDERATION HAS CONQUERED SOUTH AMERICA




Today, Presidential Figurehead Coldblooded decided to just get right to business. Read the attack orders, get them out to the soldiers.



A dual attack on Beer & Tea and High Culture. Should go- odd, the instructions said that two troops would attack High Culture, but there's only enough for one to. Probably a typo.



Excellent. Coldblooded has his whole day ahead of him. He's pretty sure there's a ribbon cutting somewhere that he can look important at.

Pollutionist Coalition has captured Beer & Tea and High Culture!




Captain Gnauga is all ready to continue bringing America to the greatness it was almost a hundred years ago!



This will naturally be accomplished by conquering Canada.



This will naturally be accomplished by reducing the Canadian population. Just to... just to put them in their place. Yes. Clearly a complete success.

The Captain moves an army from Taco Bell to Orange Star, just in case.




Alleged President AgentBlue is on a mission.



His mission will take him far.



Will lead him to conquer many territories.



Take him across the world and around to the other side of the map where the host of the game didn't really think ahead about how he would deal with the appearance of that



Overcome difficult trials.



Cross great boundaries



And then sometimes drown I guess.

The Nebulaic Collective has captured Russian America and Kamchatka!




Central Mainframe Pinary was all ready to direct the Robonian army today, except somebody went and killed all the troops he was saving for especially this! What a jerk!


SO HERE'S WHAT THE WORLD LOOKS LIKE AFTER THIS WEEK




And here's the score!


Central Mainframe Pinary - Robonia - 7 territories - 3 Reinforcements per turn
Bitch in Chief Schazer - The Anarchist Collective of Displaced and Irked No-Zealanders (ACoDaINZ) - 7 territories - 5 Reinforcements per turn
Chancellor Granolaman - The United Hobo Federation - 7 territories - 5 Reinforcements per turn
Presidential Figurehead Coldblooded - Pollutionist Coalition - 9 territories - 3 Reinforcements per turn
Captain Gnauga - Pirate Parties International 4 territories - 3 Reinforcements per turn
Alleged President AgentBlue - Nebulaic Collective 8 territories - 3 Reinforcements per turn


Send your next turn actions to me and Fogel even though I haven't actually had Fogel do anything yet, but it's a good argument for raising the inbox limit because i'm kind of worried about how much space I'll have by the end of this and I'm dragging somebody into this with me!

THIS WEEK IN NEWS

THE NEBULAIC NEBULA

Citizens who may or may not be part of the Nebulaic Collective have possibly been raising questions about debatably military activity that could be the responsibility of the Nebulaic Governing Body. The issue has the potential to be extremely important or not at all, and as such some branch of some administration may have been investigating, are now investigating, or will investigate sometime ahead of this present time. Maybe.

==========

I may have dropped the ball a bit on this, but don't worry, in neglecting to update this, I also neglected updating everything else and spent the past two weeks instead watching British panel shows. I'm sure everybody will be pleased to see what's been happening in the world of Risk lately.

WEEK THREE

This week, some dudes got more than five reinforcements! Maddening!


Is your current size map disappointing you? Could you use something bigger? Click here for a solution!

Central Mainframe Pinary got some extra RAM installed overnight and is just ready to get going!



REVENGE!



REVENGE!



FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU

Bitch in Chief Schazer is keeping it short and sweet.



The army surrounds the single Pollutionist troop.



They proceed to beat them with sticks until they die.

ACoDaINZ has captured High Culture!



In contrast to the simple attack from ACoDaINZ, Chancellor Granolaman had an entire campaign planned for his army of vagrants.



Run full force through almost all of Europe! Replace all of their fancy sidewalk heaters with barrels on fire! Who the hell buys sidewalk heaters anyways?



The Chancellor gives a rousing speech, and the troops feel incredibly determined, taking down everything in its path! One might think the dice were rigged but I through out the ones I put in the microwave okay I don't get it either.

One of the two remaining armies does wander near the Chernobyl Jr border and consider maybe attacking it, when they tragically are attacked themselves by polar bears.

The United Hobo Federation has captured Green Earth, Beer & Tea, Greenland, and Norselvania!



Presidential Figurehead Coldblooded is a bit worried. He didn't get any orders from his superiors. Normally if there's nothing to do he at least gets a message saying so. But... were they in one of the territories that was captured this week? No, they're always in a safe place that could never be discovered. Surely... it'll be all right. The course of action is a little bit thrown off from the captures anyways. It'll be fine by next week. Right?



It's a good day for pillaging!



Finally time to take down these Canadian campers.



Once and... for... all. Yyyyyyeah.



Alleged President AgentBlue is still kind of upset about not conquering Yellow Comet.



Of course he can't let people know that. So, y'know, he'll casually go after Arctica while he's making another go at Yellow Comet.



God dammit! The win of Arctica just is not as satisfying because of that stupid strip of water!



In a fit of rage, he tells No Vacancy to just go ahead and attack Customer Support! Kill 'em all!



And so it is done.

The Nebulaic Collective has captured Arctica and Customer Support!



We have prepared the updated world map, and of course, the scores.




Central Mainframe Pinary - Robonia - 5 territories - 3 Reinforcements per turn
Bitch in Chief Schazer - The Anarchist Collective of Displaced and Irked No-Zealanders (ACoDaINZ) - 8 territories - 5 Reinforcements per turn
Chancellor Granolaman - The United Hobo Federation - 11 territories - 5 Reinforcements per turn
Presidential Figurehead Coldblooded - Pollutionist Coalition - 3 territories - 3 Reinforcements per turn
Captain Gnauga - Pirate Parties International 4 territories - 3 Reinforcements per turn
Alleged President AgentBlue - Nebulaic Collective 10 territories - 3 Reinforcements per turn


Don't bother sending to Fogel any more because I haven't been making him do anything. Turns out I underestimated my own ability to change numbers.
and then this is going to be the turn where i mess something up i bet

OH YEAH I FORGOT So some players now have 3 Risk Cards. Since, y'know, multiple people might play them in the same turn sometimes, here's what I think should happen if that occurs.
All players who play cards will get what's listed on the board as the bonus at the beginning of the turn, and the bonus will increase by the number of people who played cards. So if like, three people played their cards, and the bonus was at 6, those players would get a troop bonus of 6, and then the bonus would move up to 15.
If you think it'd be better to just have it move up one bonus tier, like, instead of 15, it'd go to 8, say so, otherwise I'll just assume this works for everybody.

I am so the best Risk co-mod.

THIS WEEK IN NEWS

THE HOMELESS GAZETTE

"France Occupied by Filthy Hobos
Gutters Run Red with Wine
Smell Remains Unchanged"

THE NEBULAIC NEBULA

This may or may not be news.

TERRITORY SPOTLIGHT
Welcome to the first weekly installment of Territory Spotlight!
This week:

The Awesome Part, formerly Western Canada, is one of the territories that make up the Canadian portion of North America
In 2036, Canada had decided to rename the provinces and territories to be more descriptive, after the Great Tourism Drought the year prior. Hopefully it would have tourists know what they're looking for right away, and entice them to come visit.
Once The Foggy Part, the French Part, and the Cold Part had been named, the rest of the country had realized 'hey wait hold on they haven't been renamed yet what up with that'
Turned out, this was the plan all along. The Premiers of British Columbia, Alberta, and Saskatchewan had gotten together and due to a quirk in the voting system, managed to unanimously vote the naming to be The Awesome Part. Of course, all of the others wanted to rename their territories in similar fashion, but by then it was all set in stone.
The Premiers of the Awesome Part celebrated by declaring every day Free Beer day, and there has not been a sober day since. This may have been a mistake, but most people are too buzzed to care.

What territory would you like to be in the spotlight?

==========

So anyways I'm actually getting on this immediately this time! AMAZING! You see I grabbed an extra computer monitor and now i can work on stuff WHILE I watch stupid videos! Slow progress is better than no progress!

WEEK FOUR

AAAAAAAAAND LET'S SEE SOME REINFORCEMENTS


BIGGER MAPS AT LOWER PRICES BUY NOW

Alleged President AgentBlue may or may not have possibly been the first to maybe act on this supposed turn. I think.



BLOOD! BLOOOOOOOD!



THESE YELLOW COMET BASTARDS HAVE BEEN HERE TOO DAMN LONG!



HAAHAHAHAHA YESSSSSS
REVENGE IS TRULY SWEET

hold on what i guess something happened in blue moon i'unno

The Nebulaic Collective has captured Blue Moon and Yellow Comet!



Beep boop fighting



Boop the cold climate will help cool processors beep.



Beep boop victory - two units offline boop

Ceasing action - beep


Robonia has captured The Cold Part!
beep



Right. Another week. Let's go conquer some shit.



Yeah this'll do. Go get 'em, boys.



Fuck yeah. S'not even noon yet!

ACoDaINZ has captured Alien Ghetto and Customer Support!



Chancellor Granolaman continues his path of destruction!



Today, Africa is on the agenda!



Part of Africa. At the very least, somewhere, a lady with a sweet hat is grinding her teeth.

The United Hobo Federation has captured Heart of Darkness and Alien Ghetto



Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Presidential Figurehead Coldblooded still hasn't gotten word from his superiors.

But it's okay. He can work with this. He can figure it out. It's just war, right? Just... take the world map, apply a little red marker and...



Yeah! Yeah just... just give it to the armies and they'll sort it out.



Alright! Alright. Alright, so that... that works! Maybe it'll turn out all right after all!

Pollutionist Coalition has captured Norselvania!



The Pirate Parties International has declared it to be International Grog Day and recommends celebrating by drinking copious amounts of energy drinks and/or alcohol as permitted by your local law.

On a related note, Captain Gnauga was found passed out on the lawn, and probably isn't in the proper condition to make any sort of decisions.

SO HOW ABOUT THEM MAPS



And maybe a little update on the overall state of things

Central Mainframe Pinary - Robonia - 6 territories - 3 Reinforcements per turn
Bitch in Chief Schazer - The Anarchist Collective of Displaced and Irked No-Zealanders (ACoDaINZ) - 8 territories - 5 Reinforcements per turn
Chancellor Granolaman - The United Hobo Federation - 11 territories - 5 Reinforcements per turn
Presidential Figurehead Coldblooded - Pollutionist Coalition - 3 territories - 3 Reinforcements per turn
Captain Gnauga - Pirate Parties International 4 territories - 3 Reinforcements per turn
Alleged President AgentBlue - Nebulaic Collective 10 territories - 3 Reinforcements per turn

You houndwelding bitch you are going down

Oh I'm sorry, did you want this continent >:D

THIS WEEK IN NEWS

THE NEBULAIC NEBULA



This may or may not be a picture. It could have been found maybe sometime in the past following what may or may not have been a military event that could have begun and ended at any time, and followed with victory or defeat.

oh vague deity we may or may not be slaughtered D:D

TERRITORY SPOTLIGHT
This week:

Beer & Tea, formerly the United Kingdom, is one of the territories that make up the British portion of Europe.

A long time ago, Beer & Tea ruled the world! The sun never set on the Beerandteaian Empire, they used to say. They didn't do so well after another empire tried to set itself up next door, though and people realized empires were not nice things to have. They are famous for:

Beer
Tea
Some things that marginally fit into either category through a process of extremely circular reasoning

And thus came to naming themselves as such!

What territory would you like to be in the spotlight?

==========

GOTTA GO FAST

WEEK FIVE

It appears to be time for reinforcements- but wait, what's this!?



Yes, as some of you may know, we have some Risk cards here! Our good friend Chancellor Granolaman gets an additional 4 troops.

Wait hold on a minute...



Another one! Presidential Figurehead Coldblooded also has some cards and gains 4 troops.


The bigger the map...

Presidential Figurehead Coldblooded was up all night trying to run the country without help from his superiors. Still being awake for the message that new orders can be issued, he got on that first.



He immediately grabs the plans he cobbled together earlier.



...okay just one change



Better. Wow, being in charge means he can actually do that! He can change his mind! ...maybe he'll not do that too much though, just in case. Anyways, off they go!



Wait no stop the attack! Augh! Get those troops out of Greenland right away! This is not great.

Pollutionist Coalition has captured Hitleria!



It's time to plunder!



Captain Gnauga desires South America!



Perhaps he'll settle for merely fucking with Granolaman's shit.

Pirate Parties International has captured Vuvuzela, The Jungle, and Peruvia!



The order of business today is nation upkeep.



First off, all of the electronics are breaking and due to Shadowy Protocols, nobody is allowed to call outside of the controlled territories. Taking control of Customer Support will allow the nation to get the help they need in maintaining... everything.
From there, well, everybody likes sandwiches.



Hm. Well, the important thing is now everybody will have a working computer again.

The Nebulaic Collective has captured Customer Support!



beep boop oh fuck it.



Let's take out some humans.



These humans were bundled up and able to handle the cold fairly well, but they were still only human.

Robonia has captured Russian America!



Bit of a trek today.



The army will be marched all the way around Europe, taking over everything they pass by.



Unless they hit a roadblock of sorts. Made out of particle mines. Unfortunate. For now, she has somewhere to be.

ACoDaINZ has captured Chernobyl Jr, Hitleria, and Green Earth!



Once again!



Africa! All of it!



Okay. So that didn't go entirely well. That one soldier in Denial managed to take out half of the troops. Just when they were closing in on her, she got away. Oddly enough, the remaining troops found a bunch of dead soldiers when they took over. Whoever fought them off didn't seem to be allied. Black Hole posed no problem, but reports say that when being fought off from Quarantine, it was the same single soldier fighting them. Reports claim that the soldier was female and wore an odd blue hat, and she took a very personal delight in it, but nothing was conclusive.



Meanwhile, up in Greenland, the troops ordered to attack Norselvania wandered around a bit and got lost on their way. By the time they made it there, they somehow ended up behind the Pollutionists.



Perfect for a surprise attack. They never saw it coming. When told to continue the attack to the east, the soldiers mentioned there wasn't enough time and it was getting late. Seemed like they were afraid of something. Or someone.

The United Hobo Federation has captured Denial, Black Hole, and Norselvania!

After that turn, cards are worth 8 additional troops! Here's the map and the scores.




Central Mainframe Pinary - Robonia - 6 territories - 3 Reinforcements per turn
Bitch in Chief Schazer - The Anarchist Collective of Displaced and Irked No-Zealanders (ACoDaINZ) - 10 territories - 5 Reinforcements per turn
Chancellor Granolaman - The United Hobo Federation - 10 territories - 3 Reinforcements per turn
Presidential Figurehead Coldblooded - Pollutionist Coalition - 1 Territory - 3 Reinforcements per turn
Captain Gnauga - Pirate Parties International 6 territories - 3 Reinforcements per turn
Alleged President AgentBlue - Nebulaic Collective 9 territories - 3 Reinforcements per turn

THIS WEEK IN NEWS

None of the nations have anything in the news this week.

TERRITORY SPOTLIGHT
This week:

Yellow Comet
Competition in the video game industry had always been fierce. Over the years, it escalated from attack ads, to lobbying attempts to cripple the competition, and then in the summer of 2021, the head offices of Square-Enix were bombed. Electronic Arts quickly denied any responsibility for the attack, a move that only drew suspicion to them because they denied it before the rumors of their involvement had really taken off.

The next several years saw an increase in terrorist attacks against gaming companies, until finally, in 2029, Nintendo of Japan's then-CEO was elected as Prime Minister of Japan, and subsequently declared war on all other gaming companies.

The brutal war waged across the globe, until finally, in 2032, Intelligent Systems, frustrated with poor leadership decisions, revolted against Nintendo and overthrew the Japanese government and signed a treaty ending the Gaming Wars. They proceeded to rename the nation Yellow Comet, and redesigned the military to match the units from their infamous Famicom Wars series - better known as Advance Wars in the West.

It's been rumored that they subsequently started a cloning program to create the Yellow Comet COs, but all officials deny this vehemently. What is known is that attempts to take the country by military force have often failed, with the invaders frequently going to excessive lengths to attack Yellow Comet's troop transports and supply trucks, and ignoring the huge tanks and rocket launchers covering them.

What territory would you like to be in the spotlight?

==========

GOTTA GO FAST

WEEK FOUR

We have some cards and the resulting reinforcements.



Both AgentBlue...



...and Schazer, have present some Risk cards here. Meaning they each get 8 reinforcements!


Barkeep, I'd like to order a large[sic].

...hold on, something's missing here.



So. Um. The Pollutionist shadow government wasn't dead. And, uh, they weren't happy. Now, he had just negotiated a trade of The French Part to Pirate Parties International in exchange for some extra soldiers. Those soldiers, were not in fact soldiers. They were some vaguely familiar shadowy people that had gone missing some weeks back. Who had noticed that there wasn't anywhere to put those promised 'troops'.

It's said that Coldblooded is now on a mission to reconfigure the Pirate's ships to emit more pollution, but these rumors are completely unfounded, we assure you.


Chancellor Granolaman is up first this week! Let the hobos roll on!



So he had to spend most of the treasury, but that supersoldier in Madagascar is going to go down, now that the hobos in Black Hole are armed with pointy bindles.



ATTA...ck. There's... nobody there. No supersoldier, and no regular troops to take her place.

Victory?



Oh yeah, the troops in Norselvania have recomposed themselves and are willing to mount an attack against Chernobyl Jr.



It goes reasonably well.

The United Hobo Federation has captured Madagascar and Chernobyl Jr!
THE UNITED HOBO FEDERATIONS HAS CONQUERED AFRICA



Captain Gnauga has recently come into possession of a territory thanks to a completely legitimate and fair deal.



So how about another?



A whole continent? How flattering, you shouldn't have.

Pirate Parties International has captured Uncharted Territory!
PIRATE PARTIES INTERNATIONAL HAS CONQUERED SOUTH AMERICA




Long day ahead of the Nebulaic army.



Warm up first with a two territory rush.



The damndest thing happened in American Oil Storage. There was one lady there with a funny looking hat, and she just slaughtered the two attacking troops! Serious passion in her eyes. Somebody should try to figure out who she is, but if she's on the side of the No Zealanders, it's a good thing she's not where the real prize is located.



Australia is just right there. Just gotta take the border and then storm the place ACoDaINZ probably calls home. Honestly, there wasn't a lot of research done.



The troops stationed in Some Islands put up one hell of a fight. For every ACoDaINZ soldier taken down, a Nebulaic soldier was taken down in kind. Eventually they got a few lucky hits in and took down the rest, and by the time Outback Steakhouse was captured, there was one troop remaining. Still, that's half the job done!

The Nebulaic Collective has captured The Australian Border, Some Islands, Outback Steakhouse, and Ham on Rye!



Central Mainframe Pinary is engaged in sleep mode, and the nobody can find the mouse to jiggle it. That'll take a while.



NOW AS PREVIOUSLY STATED!



Europe!



Bam! Now off to one of the many great pubs in Beer & Tea!

ACoDaINZ has captured Beer & Tea, Greenland, Norselvania, and Chernobyl Jr!
ACoDaINZ HAS CONQUERED EUROPE


Cards are now worth 15 points! Here's where we stand!




Central Mainframe Pinary - Robonia - 5 territories - 3 Reinforcements per turn
Bitch in Chief Schazer - The Anarchist Collective of Displaced and Irked No-Zealanders (ACoDaINZ) - 10 territories - 8 Reinforcements per turn
Chancellor Granolaman - The United Hobo Federation - 6 territories - 6 Reinforcements per turn
Captain Gnauga - Pirate Parties International 8 territories - 5 Reinforcements per turn
Alleged President AgentBlue - Nebulaic Collective 13 territories - 4 Reinforcements per turn

Presidential Figurehead Coldblooded - Pollutionist Coalition - 0 Territories - GAME OVER

Let's get some week 7 actions in.

THIS WEEK IN NEWS

THE TOTALLY NON-BIASED PRESS

Authorities struggle to quell civil unrest in the Outback Steakhouse, as a world record is set for effigies simultaneously burned. The hastily-crafted figures resembling Alleged President Agentblue were assembled on the territory's Eastern Border with assistance from ACoDaINZ sect leaders on the No Zealand side of the border, and set on fire by a crowd of lazy but clearly-pyromanic ex-convict Australian types who just showed up for the booze and fireworks.

We'd have an aerial photo of the flaming effigies spelling out "Piss off" along the border, but nobody has satellites any more so we're just taking the Australasians' word for it.

THE HOMELESS GAZETTE

Vagrant scholars touch up on their Dante. Claim traitors sent to 9th Circle of Hell.

Chancellor Granola raises unclean army; peers over Atlantic. "Say hello to Satan for me, Captain."



TERRITORY SPOTLIGHT
This week:

Iceland, also known as The Territory Formerly Known as Greenland, exchanged names with its diminutive North-Atlantic island cousin in the ill-advised attempt in (Year about ten years preceding the time we're playing this game in) at drumming up tourism. This sadly backfired when Greenland (also known as The Territory Formerly Known as Iceland) disrupted international travel with its exploding volcano, and hocked all the blame off to the now-Iceland (The Territory Formerly Known as Greenland). Relations between the two island nations have been frosty ever since.

The territory's chief exports include: disgruntled tourists who were unaware of the name-swap, and ice. The territory initially enjoyed a lucrative snow-exporting industry, until they were held up in the International Court by Snow. Just Snow. for infringing on their national heritage. Since The Territory Formerly Known as Greenland's irony reserves have also run dry since the name swap, the territory is one of the poorest worldwide.

What territory would you like to be in the spotlight?

==========

Last week I said that it was week four. This has not been amended in order to confuse the easily confused.

WEEK SEVEN

Cards cards cards! Look at ALL THESE DAMN CARDS!



A PIRATE MAN



A MYSTERY MAN



AND A HOMELESS MAN! That's brought our bonus troops up to 30! Hot damn!


I'll tell you when I've had enough large maps!

Captain Guhnawgaw is itching for battle!



LET'S GET RIGHT TO BUSINESS!



The Hobos have prepared well. No matter, they will fall under the might of the Pirates! ...also maybe figure out what's up with those emissions. A low carbon footprint is important!



The Pirate fleet makes their way over to Discount Children to mount their attack



One of this ship captains looks boldly ahead towards their destination









Wh- what that hell!? There weren't even any enemy ships! The Hobos have boarded the Pirate fleet and killed everybody! They've stolen a ship and are turning it right around!



Yeah no, no this is probably not a good thing.



The Collective will expand!



First step is to get out of Asia.



Chernobyl Jr was just an attempt to weaken, but the breach into Africa went as planned.

The point between Kamchatka and Russian America is really annoying to deal with so instead of abstract map bullshit, here is an artist's rendition of the conflict.





Marvelous.



Right, now to finish off Australia hopefully maybe that's quite a few troops in Big Hamsters



Hm.

The Nebulaic Collective has captured American Oil Storage, Black Hole, Denial, Russian America, and No Zealand!
THE NEBULAIC COLLECTIVE HAS CONQUERED ASIA



Somebody found the mouse! It has been jiggled and Pinary is ready to go!



Let's get into Europe.



Inflitration complete.

Robonia has captured has captured Greenland!





It is time for operation Fuck Your Shit And Gimme Back My Stuff



Offa my lawn!

ACoDaINZ has captured No Zealand, Outback Steakhouse, and Some Islands!
ACODAINZ HAS CONQUERED AUSTRALIA



The now SS Beancan sails towards The Jungle, and the route is planned.



Through all of South America.



And then cut through everything else your old friend The Captain has to offer.



He has trouble dealing with the onslaught. With only a few casualties, the entire army is taken out in one run. Even some of the vagrants have trouble believing what they've managed.

The United Hobo Federation has captured *deep breath*
The Jungle, Uncharted Territory, Peruvia, Vuvuzela, Taco Bell, Orange Star, Freedom, and The French Part!
THE UNITED HOBO FEDERATION HAS CONQUERED SOUTH AMERICA



Captain Gnauga is currently spending his time in a cardboard jail in a hobo camp. He's considered escaping, since it's just cardboard, but there's a lot of Rutger Hauer types around.
He plays his complimentary harmonica glumly.


So um, holy shit that was kind of crazy! As an added bonus, cards are now worth 30 whole troops! Here's where we stand!




Central Mainframe Pinary - Robonia - 5 territories - 3 Reinforcements per turn
Bitch in Chief Schazer - The Anarchist Collective of Displaced and Irked No-Zealanders (ACoDaINZ) - 10 territories - 5 Reinforcements per turn
Chancellor Granolaman - The United Hobo Federation - 12 territories - 6 Reinforcements per turn
Alleged President AgentBlue - Nebulaic Collective 15 territories - 12 Reinforcements per turn

Captain Gnauga - Pirate Parties International 0 territories - GAME OVER

I, uh.
Probably should have expected that.
Snaps and dang.
Good luck, Pinary!

Achievement unlocked: Unstoppable Tide.

Say cyber, are we playing with any prisoner of war rules?

Dethroned commanders and the people who have captured them get to influence the miscellaneous story stuff if they want, but it won't influence the mechanics, because I can't be trusted to be fair with that.

Note that the next game I run will not be fair.

2015 YEAR OF THE '2014 YEAR OF THE REBOOT' MEME REBOOT
2015 YEAR OF THE '2014 YEAR OF THE REBOOT' MEME REBOOT
2015 YEAR OF THE '2014 YEAR OF THE REBOOT' MEME REBOOT