Meta-Derp

Textventure, yeah!

...Texture for short maybe? Texven? Adventext? Hmmm...

Here's the theme song anyhoo:


Now before I get started may I say I love you all so things can only go downhill from here.

*ahem*


You are standing in a busy shopping mall. Passers-by seem more interested in the people they are walking with or the window displays than you. You're barely noticed in the sea of people. Alone, nobody has any reason to give you a second thought. You close your eyes for one moment and suddenly you are floating in the doldrums, the wave of noise that is the many people and their many voices becomes the sound of the ocean. You can feel a tropical breeze blowing in from the south, moving across your face, caressing your sun-burnt skin.

Then an ambulance sounds and you're dragged back to reality.

Alright, time to do some birthday shopping. Let's get this over with. Where do you want to shop first?

The Christmas Store; they're sure to be having closing-down clearance sales this time of year.

>The shop that sells mystical knick-knacks and disappears mysteriously immediately after you leave.

The Christmas Store; they're sure to be having closing-down clearance sales this time of year.

>The shop that sells mystical knick-knacks and disappears mysteriously immediately after you leave.

Both of these.

The Christmas Store; they're sure to be saving closing-down clearance sales this time of year.

Eeeeh, no. The Christmas Store is run by a bunch of idealistic nut-jobs whose idea of a perfect world is Christmas, and thus Christmas Sales, to be running all year long. They've tried all sorts of methods to convince, or in some cases force, retail outlets to extend their Christmas Sales into February and beyond. Great for the consumer, terrible for the consumee.

Oh shit! There's their recruitment team out on the street. A bunch of poorly dressed teens wearing elf ears and curly felt boots aggressively coercing you into signing their petitions, joining their mailing lists and coming to their cultist meetings. Worse than militant vegetarians. Fucking militant vegetarians. You might go and order a Reindeer burger from Barry's Burger Bake just to piss off both parties.

OK, so admittedly your hate for vegans and Christmas nutcrackers stems from the fact that you feel very uncomfortable around idealism. You're very much a realist and are prone to bouts of extreme cynicism. It's going to be very difficult to find a gift for the Twins today because you're not going to get them a cook-book are you? They eat two-minute noodles nearly every day. It would be unreasonable to give them a vacuum cleaner as well. Realistically, you could get them toilet paper because it's about the only thing they're guaranteed to use. You hope.

Geez, this is going to be harder than you thought. OK, take two. Where to?

You could try to package some reality in a box, for times of existential crisis. Hard to find a store that'll wrap that for you though.

>You could get them some cookware to put their two-minute noodles in.

>Wait, they don't like, wear clothes? Play games? Can't you like, gift them a nice, friendly pile of Awesome Sauce or something?

> If they don't want things, resolve to give them some kind of experience. Perhaps a day out they will never forget or something along those lines.

>Wait, they don't like, wear clothes? Play games? Can't you like, gift them a nice, friendly pile of Awesome Sauce or something?

They're total yuppies; the Nudist Noodle Diet is the latest health craze.

>Buy some guns at a gun store. In no way am I planning for the main character to go on a murderous rampage. I promise.

Buy everybody on your list a different drum, that can all combine into one overstuffed drum kit. One person gets just the stand everything else hooks on to.