Crusader Kings II: Good Job High Chief Piast, 10/10 A+

What is Crusader Kings?

Basically, it's a "grand strategy" game - that is, strategy on a macro level: rather than having individual units assault single cities or fortresses, as in a game like Civilization, you have armies numbering thousands of troops taking down as many as a hundred holdings in a larger war. As a result, it's a lot more abstract than more micro-level strategy games.

But the main draw isn't so much the strategic depth of combat, as much as it is the way the world unfolds. The game is set in a more-or-less historically accurate facsimile of Europe, and simulates a shitton of characters, all of whom have a different opinion of everyone else. A lot of these will never come into play - it doesn't matter too much what the Mongol hordes think of an Irish count, for instance - but at other times, frantically appeasing (or plotting against) vassals and rivals is critical to success. Each character also has unique traits, often of a diametrically opposed pair (such as Attractive/Ugly, Content/Ambitious, Hedonist, Berserker, and so forth), as well as five stats: Diplomacy (self-explanatory), Martial (fighty skills, mainly useful for generals), Stewardship (how good you are at administrative stuff, which affects taxation and how many places you can rule directly), Intrigue (plotting against others while not being plotted against), and Learning (which affects the rate of technological progress).

The other major thing to note is that succession plays a huge part. Rather than having a nonspecific ruler, or playing as the same ruler for the entirety of the game, people die in CKII. When they do, their titles get passed on to an heir chosen in a variety of ways - traditional "oldest son wins out, oldest daughter if there's nobody else around," an opposite version where the youngest child wins big, division of titles between all the ruler's children, passing on the titles to the oldest member of the dynasty as a whole, or elections. This means that titles can be gained not just through indiscriminate warfare, but - as happened historically - by tactful marriages (though, generally, you can only marry those of the same religion as you). The main goal of the game is to make your dynasty as glorious as possible - and if your ruler has no heir of his/her own dynasty, it's game over.

Casus Belli

One thing that's crucial to understand when playing CKII is that you can't just wage war with anyone you want; you have to have a specific reason, or casus belli. This can range from "I was close to inheriting this title, but didn't" (Succession Crisis or Press Claim) to "they're a different religion from me!" (Conquest, Holy War, Invasion, or Crusade/Jihad/Great Holy War) to "GET YOUR FUCKING TRADE POSTS OUTTA HERE" (Embargo, Seize Trade Post). Sometimes we'll need to do a little bit of subterfuge to "confirm" that a war is justified before we can rush into it.

LP Notes

All rulers have various traits that affect their abilities and AI decisions; the majority of the decisions I make will be in-character. That is to say, I'll be less likely to take pity on prisoners while playing a Wrathful character, I'll appoint council members solely on merit (rather than considering if they're likely to use their station to murder me) if playing a Trusting character, I'll cool off the constant landgrabs if playing a Kind or Content character, etc.

I'll also leave certain things up to a vote; for example, if I plan to expand but there's several good fronts to wage war on, I'll probably ask you guys. That being said, I think I'll defer to you on what kind of ruler we should play in terms of religion and government type (as well as, if you care, where specifically we should start if we're playing a more widespread religion), so here's what you need to know:

Trade Republics

In addition to traditional monarchs, The Republic DLC also allows you to play as... uh, a republic. Basically, there's five prominent houses in a trade republic, and they jockey with each other over who gets to be the Grand Mayor/Doge/what-have-you. Gameplay is a lot more focused around hoarding money and establishing trade routes (without sacrificing the traditional war-and-marriage stuff), and succession is pretty fun to deal with.

By default, the only trade republics as of the 867 start date are located in the Mediterranean, but with a little fiddling around, I could manage to set one up further to the North or West. I'll let you guys decide whether to play a monarchy or a Republic.

Religions

• Catholics - The big guns of Christianity, who control the vast majority of Western Europe. They're pretty simple; they have a single head of their Religion, the Pope, who can grant divorces, excommunicate people, and give the go-ahead to Invade heathens. Their widespread power base also gives a lot of opportunity for marriage politics (there is basically no circumstance where someone will let their daughter marry an infidel).
  
  Catholics can go with either Free Investiture (ruler picks bishops) or Papal Investiture; bishops pay taxes/give troops to either their ruler or the pope, depending on who they like better, so Catholic rulers had best be pious if they want to rake in the dough. Catholics with sufficient prestige can also set up an Antipope; bishops may pay taxes to that guy (and by extension, the ruler who established him) instead, and he holds a claim to the Papacy (which is mainly interesting because it means a sufficiently powerful ruler can vassalize the Papacy if they press his claim).
  
  
• Orthodox - Mainly present in the Byzantine Empire, the Orthodox religion and Catholicism split in 1054*, having previously been united. While they do have a singular religious head - the Ecumenical Patriarch - they, unlike the Catholics, also have lesser patriarchs who can also grant divorces and excommunicate people (though only the Ecumenical Patriarch can grant the Invasion CB).
  
  The other thing worth noting about Orthodoxy is that - if the Pentarchy (Constantinople, Rome, Alexandria, Jerusalem, and Antioch) is brought under total Orthodox control - the Great Schism will be healed, and Catholicism reduced to an Orthodox heresy. Otherwise, it's pretty much the same as Catholicism.
  
  While this game will be starting in the ninth century, religious tensions had been brewing between East and West for a while, so the Catholic and Orthodox churches being considered separate is a reasonable gameplay abstraction. It's possible that the next expansion - which will refine Christian and Muslim mechanics, as well as adding Judaism to the mix - will change the way the Schism works.
  
  
• Miaphysites - Honestly pretty much just "Orthodox, but less interesting." Due to having much bigger doctrinal differences with the other major Christian sects, they can't heal the Schism if they complete the Pentarchy. This kind of means there's not much point to doing so, since their Holy Sites don't match up with the Pentarchy.
  
  They're mostly based in East Africa, and they're not much less fucked by Islam than the West African pagans are, which might be interesting.
  
  
• Muslims - Shia and Sunni rulers have basically identical mechanics. Their religious heads, the Caliphs, are different from all others - first, they are primarily secular rulers, with the Caliphate being merely one of many titles for them; second, it is possible for either Caliphate to dissolve if no suitable heir exists (and, in fact, the Shia caliphate doesn't exist as of 867), though it can be re-established later.
  
  Muslim rulers are expected to have multiple wives, and have to deal with Decadence, which increases for members of the dynasty with insufficient holdings. As decadence grows, taxation and army morale decrease, and if it's allowed to reach a fever pitch, a rebellion may rise to topple that dynasty and take over as rulers (though vassals can declare independence if they succeed).
  
  Muslims also have the Agnatic Open succession rule at all times - whichever son of the ruler is most powerful gets all of his titles upon succession. Honestly, it's probably one of the best succession laws around unless your chosen heir dies prematurely, due to the level of control it gives you over who inherits.
  
  
• Zoroastrians - A Monotheistic religion at the edge of the Middle East, once the official religion of the Persian Empire but marginalized after a Muslim invasion. They start with no religious head, but if they can retake the Empire, they gain one (and the ruler that does so, as well as all his successors, get pretty heavily rewarded for doing so).
  
  Also, Zoroastrian vassals fucking love it if their ruler has an incestuous marriage. Thankfully, you can take concubines as well to ensure a supply of not-inbred heirs.
  
  
• Pagans - Any of the various polytheistic or animistic religions that are gradually giving way to Islam and Christianity. In addition to being able to conquer or loot any territory adjacent to their own, Pagans can Subjugate each other to massively expand their realm. Attackers of an organized religion also take considerable attrition penalties when in an unreformed pagan holding. Unreformed pagans tend to be stuck with Gavelkind succession (that's the kind where your titles are divided between your kids, and is Very Very Bad for realm stability), though sometimes they can switch to Ultimogeniture (the kind where the youngest kid gets everything).
  
  Historically, paganism in Europe and North Africa was supplanted by monotheism, but here they have the ability to reform, codifying their structure and establishing a High Priesthood similar to the Pope, Patriarch or Caliph. By doing so, they lose a couple abilities, but gain the ability to wage Holy Wars and Great Holy Wars, plus they're much better at conversion. Some subjects will refuse to accept the changes, remaining as heretic Old Pagans, but that tends to die down pretty quickly.
  
  Subsets: Norse (who, as vikings, get to conquer/loot any coastal province and sail down rivers), Tengri (mongols and a couple of other steppe tribes that settle in Eastern Europe) and Super Aztecs (if we run Sunset Invasion) are the Offensive Pagan religions; they get a boost to attacking, but their subjects get antsy if they spend too long without a war. The Defensive Pagan religions are Slavic Pagans and Romuva (who hang out around Eastern Europe; the Slavs considerably outnumber the Romuva, who are confined to Lithuania), Suomenusko (Finland and Russia), and West Africans (who are confined to Mali, and are basically completely fucked by Islam unless they get super lucky); they get a boost to defense and have no obligation to go to war.
  

The Ruler Designer

I should also note that I'm able to change my first ruler's starting Traits and skills as well. The maximum starting age is 50, and the minimum is 16 (with the age cost for every base point in a stat [above 5] being +1). So, in addition to religion and government type, what stats should our ruler focus on and what traits should he (or she) have?

Final Note: The Eastern Hordes and The Sunset Invasion

After a while, the Mongol Hordes will arrive in Eastern Europe and the Middle East. They're extremely powerful, and can wage war that only results in a very short truce. If a strong, united front doesn't stand in their way, they'll pretty much run roughshod over everyone until their Khan dies and the conquest has to stop for a while.

But Paradox Interactive realized that this left Western Europe in a much more comfortable position. So DLC was created that's one part balancing and five parts awesome insanity - the Sunset Invasion, in which a technologically supercharged Aztec Empire comes over to fuck up Western Europe with a tremendous army. I'll leave it up to you guys whether or not to use it - obviously it's ahistorical, but hey, it could be pretty fun.

Any mechanics I haven't touched on, I'll bring up when they become important.

africa

Be a catholic republic! Everything else i leave up to you. Good luck! *returns to CIV*

In this game, I’m partial to Catholic monarchy somewhere medium-sandwich-y. They’ve got us surrounded? Those poor bastards!

(oh wait I am not actually good at this game)

Having already played as Denmark and Bavaria in the unmodded version, I'd kind of like to see a game take place a little further away. How about someone from Eastern Europe, Africa, or the Middle East?

For traits, let's go with an ambitious military strategist to start off with.

Also let's have our first leader be female, because why make things easy for ourselves?

Start as Vikings in Israel. See how pissed you can make everyone after a month of desecrating the holy land.

Alright so I'm just going to throw out some places that are kinda maybe interesting for various historical reasons:

One's the Duke of Alania, currently a vassal to the Khazars. The Alans were this weird, Iranian-speaking people who had some of their population migrate into Europe with the collapse of the Roman Empire, and some who stayed in the Caucasus and formed a kingdom that controlled a trade route on the Silk Road. They're virtually unknown both because they were far away and because the Mongols conquered them so hard they literally ceased to exist as a cultural group and split into three separate identities. They're Orthodox but currently a vassal to a Tengri (historically, Khazaria was Jewish, but CK2 simplifies some things) ruler, so you can return to becoming steppe nomads or become a bastion of Christendom in a sea of pagans.

Continuing the trend of people who got the shit kicked out of them is the Avar duke of Pest-- the Avars were a horse-archer, Turkic confederacy that dominated modern-day Hungary and the Balkans for a while, until Charlemagne pretty much destroyed their khaganate. Their death knell came with the Magyar (or modern-day Hungarian) migration into the Pannonian basin, which became the dominant culture and basically erased the Avars. Are you a bad enough conqueror to restore the khaganate and sack the shit out of a bunch of pansy-ass monotheists?

Hastein, the Norse count of Nantes. Historically, Hastein was the craziest fucking Viking-- he sailed around France looting shit, killed a guy called Robert the Strong (who's kinda like, the ancestor to every French king after the Carolingian dynasty and until Napoleon), sailed 62 ships into the Mediterranean, sacked cities, pretended to be dying and wanting to be converted before death just to sneak into a bishopric and steal its shit, so on. He's also the only real way you can mimic English culture-- first you pick up a bit of Frankish culture and become Norman, then conquer the shit out of England to become English instead of Saxon.

Last one, another Viking because let's be real, that's what we're all really here for. Dyre Oskyldr, petty king of Kiev (or Konugardr, in the Old Norse translation), were actually two Viking headsmen merged into one guy. They ruled the city of Kiev until Helgi, the son of another Viking in Russia, assassinated them and stole their city. Are you a bad enough dude to establish them as the dynasty that creates Russia, while also dealing with the fact that everyone around you hates you for worshiping the wrong pantheon and being Norse? Can you handle having no boats at all?

Oh also turn Sunset Invasion on.

Ooh, CK2 Lp. Did not expect to see this, very pleasant surprise.

If you're partial to using the ruler designer, the hellenic faith is an option I've found interesting lately. I've only tried playing as a hellenic dude in a really stupid way, but I imagine it's still a moderately interesting challenge. Any pagan would be quite interesting though.

Whatever you go with, sunset invasion yes please. Maximize the violent fun.

Unit One, Chapter One: The Eagle of Konugardr

It was in the middle of the ninth century AD that the nobility of Holmgardr found themselves with a bit of a problem. A young warrior by the name of Ulfr had shown considerable promise as a leader of raiding parties, but he possessed a worrying ambitious streak, and they feared that his eye might turn inward were his lust for power and war not sufficiently sated.

Their king, Rurik, spoke with the warrior, and saw that the nobles were right; his presence would be a continual threat to the stability of the realm. But being a calm and understanding man, he did not wish to take drastic measures. Instead, he gave the young man control of a small army and a simple challenge: in twenty years, to establish dominance over one of the southern Slavic tribes. The king's journal gives an interesting reason for this decision:

I wholly expect that [Ulfr] shall fall - likely conquered by King Almos, when he inevitably turns his eye upon our majesty in the next several years - but his ferocity should buy me time to assemble a strong army and fend them off. His boldness will almost certainly lead him to be captured or killed in battle, which will tie things up quite neatly.

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He did it in less than ten, cowing the locals with a ferocity that would quickly become legendary. Anyone who still defied him after he took over would be promptly executed, often by being tied up in a sack and tossed into the river nearby.

I went with Sanzh’s suggestion of Dyre the Stranger, setting him up with a military education and a wife/son.

(For starting with a high-quality military education, we get a free trait that gives us a bonus when leading troops. Ulfr being Ulfr, I went with Aggressive Leader, which ups damage and increases army ability in the Pursuit phase, but lowers defense. We’ll get to phases later.)

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Though his hold over the area was established for the time being, his army was depleted, and his subjects quickly grew to resent him for his cruelty and strange, foreign ways. To ensure the stability of the realm, he saw to it that his spymaster (one of the lesser chieftains of the area) was heavily compensated, and spent all his time seeking out any hint of insurrection in the realm.

Never, ever let your spymaster be angry with you, for reasons that are hopefully pretty obvious. It's better to have a kind of shitty spymaster that loves you if your only alternative is a great one that hates your guts, but honorary titles and gifts of gold tend to be a very good way to get them to remain loyal if they're on the fence.

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This having been accomplished, he began establishing positive relations with his other vassal. But it was not long before Ulfr began to get the itch for battle; and so, he hastily established a raiding party, leading them to Pinsk in the northwest.

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Yet, before his men could even begin to count the spoils of their venture, war erupted to the west. It seemed that a couple of the chieftains of the Lendians felt he had more right to lead than the avaricious high chief Lechoslaw. No sooner had they risen in revolt than Ulfr had ordered his men to return and regroup.

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He sent a scouting party to wait until Chief Ctibor's army had departed, and, the instant they had done so, to declare war against him. Stubbornly refusing to recall his army, and not believing the Norseman any harm to him, Ctibor ignored Ulfr's warning.

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There's two major aspects of war in Crusader Kings - Battles and Sieges, the former of which we'll talk about in more detail once we get into a sizable confrontation. Sieges automatically happen if you have an army in the same province as an enemy-controlled holding; if your force outnumbers the defending force (a permanent garrison, plus any unraised levies from the holding), they will slowly lower the population and morale of the defenders. Once the morale hits zero, the holding is taken over, which grants a certain amount of "Warscore." At 100% Warscore, the enemy will always unconditionally surrender, but they may offer surrender earlier if they're in a particularly bad situation or they know they have no chance at victory.

A siege can also be turned to an Assault after a certain set-up period, usually a couple of weeks at the most (this is reduced with a larger force). This is not recommended unless the attacking army considerably outnumbers the defenders, as it's far less safe than a siege and the defenders have the home team advantage. With an attacking force around 9-10 times the size of the defending force, casualties become minimal and there's basically no reason to bother with a drawn-out siege. Otherwise (barring special circumstances, typically attrition penalties), sticking out the siege tends to be wiser.

Also worth noting: Cities and temples are a lot easier to besiege than castles, particularly when they aren't the capital of the county (which, usually, they won't be).

This was a mistake. One year later, the county had been totally taken over, and the former chief Ctibor sent running. Ulfr took Castle Beresty for himself, and distributed Kobryn and Bielsk to a couple landless soldiers who had distinguished themselves in the battle.

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Note to self: Start hoarding human cattle.

Ulfr celebrated his latest string of victories by holding a particularly extravagant Yule blót; records claim that, rather than simply hanging the men they purchased for sacrifice, he "personally strangled three and killed a fourth by beating his head against a boulder."

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This isn't really relevant to anything yet, but it's worth noting. At the beginning of the game, only the Sunni Caliphate exists; the Rise of the Shia Caliphate occurs randomly later on, though it tends to happen near the beginning of the game.

Predictably, Ulfr - wishing to recoup the cost of the sacrifices - quickly put together another raiding party, heading eastwards to Chernigov. They quickly found themselves disappointed by a castle far too well-guarded for them to make off with much, and so headed north in search of better riches. The high chief of the Radimichi, frightened by the interlopers, quickly put together his own army in an attempt to beat back the now-infamous Viking.

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Ulfr's runestone claims that when he and his army returned home, "the towns [of Mstislavl] were more ash than stone or wood, and nothing would grow there for years." While likely an embellishment, other sources not only mention the considerable damage to the area, but also that Ulfr was somehow even more brutal than when he had left. It seemed that, where some men might have their thirst for battle quenched, Ulfr - now known as "Blodigørn," the Eagle of Blood - became more insatiable every time he sallied forth.

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Castle Towns are probably the most important thing to build in the early game. Your personal holdings (as opposed to counties or individual holdings you delegate to vassals) pay 100% of their tax income to you, rather than only a portion; while you don't quite get the +2.00 a month it claims, presumably due to expenses and the like, it does give a boost to income that's crucial to building a strong army later on.

Naturally, our ambitious and impatient chief isn't going to waste any time figuring out this book (or failing to do so)... which is actually probably a good thing, as the alternate path gives us the Mystic trait - +1 to our Intrigue score, which isn't too useful at the moment - instead of Scholar, which grants us a quite lovely +2 to Learning. There's also Scholarly high chiefs to our north and west, so we get relationship bonuses with them (not that we really need it, considering our might, but it's nice).

Both Mystic and Scholar are "Lifestyle" traits, indicated by the blue shield (the only different-looking one is the Muslim-only Faqih). You can only have one at a time; they all grant a stat bonus of 1 or 2, and an opinion bonus with anyone else of a matching Lifestyle (again, except for Faqih, which grants +10 to vassal opinion and apparently doesn't grant the "matching lifestyle" bonus? why is it even a lifestyle trait what the heck). Mystic is probably the worst one; it gives you +1 to Intrigue, but Impaler does the same and increases your Morale Damage bonus when leading troops.

tl;dr don't worry Ulfr that book wasn't worth it anyhow.

In a baffling turn of events, while the Blood-Eagle had not become any less brutal towards either his subjects or his neighbors, he was seen becoming extremely interested in books, often rereading some that he had brought from the raids on the north but been unable to sell. It's somewhat unclear when he learned to read at all, much less in the unfamiliar scripts of the Russians and Byzantines; it seems to have simply happened one day, as if by magic.

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The Magyars, who had previously controlled that big ol' blob due south of us, have now conquered Hungary and relinquished all their titles to the east of it. There are now independent counties all around us, most of which are a de jure part of the Kingdom of Ruthenia which I currently have my eye on.

You can see where this is going.

Also I got attacked by accident and then I kidnapped a guy in a siege, but I failed to screenshot those. WHOOPS.

Despite what the local Norsemen had believed, the king of the Magyars had no interest in the territories to the north (at least, not for the time being); he and his people were quite content with an end to the war, as were the peasants of Russia (who, as soon as their conquerors had gone, reestablished their hold on the land with little resistance, voting amongst themselves upon new local rulers). Ulfr, of course, saw this as weakness; he quickly took the opportunity to snatch up what Almos had forsaken.

The news is believed to have reached Rurik around the 19th of September, as his journal for the day reads:
Almos did not hurry North as expected. It seems the Magyars have ceased their onslaught, and now lie dormant. Already, word from Konugardr is that Ulfr is massing his armies.

Perhaps this was not the wisest decision I have ever made, but if nothing else, he may drive out the followers of Perun in favor of our own faith. I hold out hope that he will not seek to harm his brethren, particularly the man who helped put him on the throne to begin with.

Immediately, Ulfr attacked two chiefs to the south (known as the "Brothers Vasiliy" due to their close friendship). Despite initial difficulties, his army quickly crushed the defenders of both counties and began besieging Korsun.

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Mainly showing this so you know about the Warscore bonus for Total Control. That is, if someone totally controls the disputed territory of the war (or, in a vassal revolt, all the holdings of the traitors), they gain a steadily increasing Warscore bonus. This is particularly useful when fighting a larger enemy, as a 100% occupation score will require besieging more than just the holdings you're actually after.

Though it took longer than some of his previous conquests, it proved a worthwhile endeavor. The peasants who ruled the land quickly fell to their new ruler.

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Ulfr commemorated his successes by bringing Igor - an officer of the local armies, who he had captured in battle and now regularly tormented - to his future runestone. It is unclear what happened from there, but it allegedly provided the materials for the bone chisel used to carve said stone.

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The way technology works in CK2 (as of this LP) is that each province has its own tech level; sometimes the local tech level is important (most notably when building improvements in your holdings), other times your capital tech level is the only thing that matters (as is the case with most, if not all, Cultural Technologies). Tech increases slowly if the province has neighbors with a higher level in a given area of research; your capital can also gain technology, in the same way, from a province you send your spymaster to Study Technology in.

You also gain technology points based on your stats (Learning, plus either Stewardship, Martial or Diplomacy based on the tech group), rank (higher rank gives a small multiplier to your tech growth rate), battles (military tech points only, obviously) and any schools in your Demesne, or collection of personal holdings (Universities give economic tech points, Monastic Schools give cultural points). Enough tech points, and you can instantly rank up a technology.

Here I chose to go with Military Organization, since it applies to all troops (rather than only one class) and is quite practical, particularly if the Norse faith becomes reformed later on.

In the aftermath, Ulfr wrote a book on military strategy, but as it basically boiled down to "retreat is never wise" and "make sure your men are as angry and excited as possible," it was mostly disregarded (it is somewhat unclear how Ulfr managed to be as successful a commander as he did, but perhaps his tendency to tie any naysayers or failures to a rock and whip them kept the men motivated). That said, it did contain valuable advice for keeping soldiers motivated when supplies were low or enemies fierce, which was often referenced in more well-thought-out tomes written later.

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Satisfied with his progress, the Blood-Eagle finally had the torment-boulder built into his legendary runestone; not wanting to spend money on paint, he instead had it decorated with the blood of his victims (which, interestingly, is actually the final act enshrined on said stone).

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Up to the Northwest, Lithuania is becoming united by their own charismatic High Chief.

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ALL NAMED VASILIY. From here, you can also see that Rurik of Holmgardr has been expanding eastwards.

OH NO HE DOESN'T HAVE PARENTS (nah, they're just not historically noted. that's the case with a lot of petty nobles around this time period, but since I ruler designer-ed his dynasty of course he's not going to have parents programmed in!

Partly motivated to gain more blood for the stone, Ulfr began the conquest of Pereyaslavl, held by "Cousin Vasiliy." Here was the first difficulty he had in carving out his slice of Russia, for just as he had finished off the defending army...

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Important note: Only the leader of the siege gets warscore once it's completed, and you can't "take over" a siege so long as their army's still around, nor can you besiege occupied territory under normal circumstances. Not a problem if it's an ally of yours, very much a problem if someone else has captured the territory you need so they can win their own war.

Ulfr's no quitter.

So, battles. Here's all the information on them (most of it is pretty unnecessary to learn, so feel free to skip ahead):

• A battalion's morale automatically goes up when not engaged in combat (including when besieging a holding, but NOT when assaulting one).
  
• An individual levy (from a single holding) has only one flank; a merged battalion has up to three flanks, each of which can have one general assigned.
  
• Generals increase damage of their flank by 2% for each point of Martial they have. More notably, generals provide bonuses (and penalties) based on traits, amplified (or reduced) based on Martial ability - traits are first added (e.g. if someone is both Patient and an Aggressive Leader, the base becomes +10% - 20% = -10%), and then the multiplier is applied.
  
  In Ulfr's case, he started with Aggressive Leader and picked up Flat Terrain Expert along the way. His Martial is above 20, which completely negates most (if not all) penalties. As a result, he gains, a bonus to damage (from Aggressive Leader, which doesn't reduce Defense because its penalty was negated), a bonus to morale damage (from Cruel), and a bonus to damage and defense (from Flat Terrain Expert; it appears to apply after other effects, since otherwise Aggressive Leader ought to negate the defense bonus). He'd also gain an additional damage bonus (from Aggressive Leader) were he in the Pursuit Phase, on which note...
  
• The three phases are Skirmish (archers excel), Melee (infantry and pikemen excel), and Pursuit (cavalry excels; one flank is retreating from the other flank, which happens at about 25% of total morale).
  
• All the damage of the attacking flank (a combination of the base attack strength of the units involved, and any active modifiers) is divided evenly among the unit types of the defending flank (e.g. if a flank is 60% light cavalry, the cavalry will receive 60% of the damage), then reduced by defense strength (similarly calculated). The final result is the casualties of that flank subgroup.
  
  Every time a soldier dies, the other soldiers in the flank take morale damage. Once one flank has fled or been slaughtered, their attacker will join up with an adjacent allied flank.
  
• Certain Generals' traits, combined with the makeup of their army, can lead to special tactics. Some are good (e.g. Clever Ambush), some are bad (e.g. Hesitant Commander), most are tradeoffs. There are so many of these that I honestly wouldn't even bother learning them, just remember that generally, an unambiguously beneficial trait (like Inspiring Leader) leads to good tactics.

SHORT VERSION: Archers skirmish, infantry melees, cavalry pursues; pick generals with high martial and good bonuses; deaths in a flank lowers that flank's morale.

Took 169 casualties, inflicted 318 and routed the enemy. 41.4 Warscore, 3.1 Prestige (but no piety) to my generals, and .1 military tech points. One of those is a loooooot more useful than the rest.

Berimir, of the Severians, undertook his own attempt to take the province. Infuriated by his impudence, Ulfr ordered the Severians crushed and their land brought under his rule. Their army was hastily dispersed, and Pereyaslavl easily taken over.

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BRINGING THE BOY UP RIGHT

Spymaster discovered a plot against us. Looks like it got quite a bit of support, unsurprisingly.

Looks like we have a good shot at tossing him in jail for the next Blot...

Well, fuck. He fled to a court outside our jurisdiction, but thankfully he's powerless and terrified of us, so he knocks it off anyway. All is well.

Meanwhile, Ulfr's son was brought along for every military engagement, observing from the sidelines and being put to bed with a slab of ham and gory tales of battle. The apple of his father's eye, he was easily steered to grow into a quite similar young man, and both the nobles and peasants of Konugardr lived in fear that he would grow up to be even worse than his father.

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THAT'S more like it.

As you can see, fully occupying the disputed territory isn't the only way to win a war; obliterating the enemy army can work, too. In fact, sometimes (particularly with peasant revolts) it's the best way to go about it.

Though he attempted to repel the invaders, Beremir had awoken a rage in Ulfr that was great even by his already-high standards. His armies folded like paper, and it was only through public begging and a tribute to Odin that he avoided being publicly executed.

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With his dominion over the Severians established, the Blood-Eagle's realm now extended to the southern border of his former liege. The news reached Rurik only three days later.

Dreadful news reaches me again on this date; I cannot wonder if it is some sort of curse. Ulfr grows ever stronger, and is now at our very door. He has sent envoys claiming he means no ill-will. I do, in a sense, believe him; he is doubtless focused on the locals.

But what will happen once there are no heathens left for the armies of Konugardr to so easily lay waste to?

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As an interesting side note, the standard Dyre the Stranger is my courtier since I used the ruler designer to set someone else up as king, and the History of the Petty Kingdom of Konugardr shows him as a previous holder (though he doesn't despise me for usurping his title). This seems to be standard procedure if you use the Ruler Designer.

Having already played as Denmark and Bavaria in the unmodded version, I'd kind of like to see a game take place a little further away. How about someone from Eastern Europe, Africa, or the Middle East?

For traits, let's go with an ambitious military strategist to start off with.

Also let's have our first leader be female, because why make things easy for ourselves?

If not for the fact that ladies can’t do much in CKII unless it’s modded (in particular, they can’t be generals, which would mean all our Martial bonuses would be going to waste), I would definitely have done that.

If you're partial to using the ruler designer, the hellenic faith is an option I've found interesting lately. I've only tried playing as a hellenic dude in a really stupid way, but I imagine it's still a moderately interesting challenge. Any pagan would be quite interesting though.

I actually was looking into the Hellenic faith earlier, but it seems that (since it mainly exists for historical reasons, similar to “generic pagan”) it can’t be reformed and doesn’t have any interesting mechanics. Curiously enough, it is apparently considered “Reformed Pagan” despite lacking a religious head and retaining conversion penalties.

If not for the fact that ladies can’t do much in CKII unless it’s modded (in particular, they can’t be generals, which would mean all our Martial bonuses would be going to waste), I would definitely have done that.

Ah well, as long as we get to fight everybody, I guess that's all that really matters.

I'm guessing that you must be pretty close to conquering the Kingdom of Ruthenia by now?

Ah well, as long as we get to fight everybody, I guess that's all that really matters.

I'm guessing that you must be pretty close to conquering the Kingdom of Ruthenia by now?

Yep, current status is 40% of the counties (with 51% being the minimum to establish/usurp a duchy or kingdom). I do need two duchy level titles, though, which means I first need the cash to establish all three. I think raiding parties are going to be big in the near future.

Of course, scooping up the last few counties might take a while, since I can't Subjugate anyone else until Ulfr kicks the bucket... or can I?

Were it me that would be a surprisingly fast conquest.

I think someone unfamiliar with the game would have a pretty hard time knowing where they’re supposed to look on certain screenshots, so you might want to highlight some things; for better or worse, Paradox games have ridiculously info-dense UIs.

For those wondering: Ulfr is a “petty king”, which is a conceit that lets independent Celtic, Saxon, and Norse rulers retain the historical “king” title while counting as an independent duchy as far as power structure goes in-game.

With some confusion allowed due to lowborn and clergy occasionally (gasp) having a say in things, titles in this game go Emperor > King > Duke > Count > Baron > Sorry Titleless Pissant. The names for these can change around a bit due to culture or station. Ulfr is working towards a real kingdom; when he or his dynasty is in a position to assign duchies, the dukes will then be known as Jarls.

Next update's going to be pretty interesting, I think.

Aiming for the Mediterranean next right? Those vikings need some salt in their veins.

Unit One, Chapter Three: The Eagle Plummets

He who rides too far, too fast, finds his horse no longer lasts.

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With that latest conquest, I have the clout to establish a couple more duchies, boosting my prestige and fulfilling a necessary qualification to become King of Ruthenia.

Unsurprisingly, the local chiefs are less than pleased with Ulfr's rule, and quickly begin to rise in rebellion. "Factions" are basically a mechanic where vassals will group around a certain cause (the biggest ones being reduced crown authority, a change of succession law, the installation of a new ruler, or independence) if they're displeased with their leader.

In this case, even if all three of them banded together, they wouldn't be that huge a threat. Otherwise, I'd put effort into placating them or maybe even grant one of them independence to ensure the stability of the realm.

For now, I could use some scratch, and having an army pre-raised won't exactly hurt.

Almost immediately after the conquest of the Severians, talk of sedition began to circulate. Ulfr paid it no heed; if his reputation and army had not placated them the first time, another go at them would surely resolve who the boss was.

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"No, I have changed my mind." Ahahahahahahaha.

After a brief series of raids, another Great Blot was held, this time sacrificing the long-suffering Igor. Contemporary texts widely agree that slitting his throat was one of Ulfr's very rare acts of mercy.

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It was pretty much only a matter of time.

The proclamation of Severian secession was delivered directly to Ulfr's feasting table; upon reading it, he hastily devoured the rest of his meal before giving a great battle cry and rushing out the door. The call quickly went out for soldiers to defend the homeland, and the men of the kingdom responded without delay.

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Lucked out here. Diligent is a rock-solid trait, giving you +1 to all your base stats. That plus Ambitious gives us a global modifier of +3, which is pretty cash.

More tech advances! I went with a Heavy Infantry upgrade, Castle Infrastructure (which increases tax income from castles, and allows you to build more things in them) and Majesty (which provides a small multiplier to piety and prestige gain over time).

Even as he led his troops into battle once more, though, Ulfr (by now known as The Drunkard for his legendary feats of indulgence) worked to spread his reputation, hiring anyone he could find to sing his praises, and determine better military practices.

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Though it was tempting to birch him, I decided that Ulfr didn't really have a reason to do that to his beloved kid. Now they can smash skulls against big ol' rocks together, as father and son!

The war proceeds without incident. I should note that there's a reason I'm taking a circuitous route here - attacking armies get a penalty if they cross a river into the target province. Sometimes speed is better, but often it's worth sacrificing some time to improve your chances of success.

Just as Ulfr was growing into an ever-more capable (if still rather unpleasant) ruler, his heir, Thorbrandr, was following his example. It took less than a month for nearly everyone in the kingdom to learn that the young prince was turning out just as brutal as his father, if not more so - and with an even greater devotion to the gods, which he would undoubtedly take out upon the Slavic populace. Prayers went out daily that they would be delivered from their wretched ruler, that Mechislav's rebellion would succeed.

But, of course, it didn't; it was easily crushed, and both participants tossed into the dungeons before being expelled from the realm.

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Somewhat annoyingly, even if your vassals would be okay with you revoking a title (which, if the target is a traitor, they always are at least once), they never accept banishment. I get it as a game balancing thing, though.

Two rebels eligible for banishment, and none of my other vassals would dip into the negatives from my tyranny. I go ahead with it and am now swimming in ye olde cashe.

I immediately blow said lucre on duchy-level titles. Delicious!

Their seized fortunes, rather than being spent on improvements to the fortresses or marketplaces of the land, was frittered away on frivolities and Ulfr's constant attempts to make his name ever greater. Though feared locally, he knew that his name was meaningless to most; he believed that with enough dedication, he would be known and feared as far as Spain.

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Let's talk ambitions. They're triggered by a certain lack in life - if you have a stat lower than 8, you can take an ambition to improve it; if you don't have a son or a daughter, you can take an ambition to make a baby of that particular sex; if your vaults are empty, you can take an ambition to hoard some gold, and so forth. They're pretty neat, and Become King would be very useful for Ulfr.

Would be useful.

But hey, let's not get into that now when we have another Vasiliy to take down!

Seriously. So many fucking Vasiliys. I checked and there's another one lurking around our southern border.

Rather than spend a moment in peacetime, The Drunkard immediately turned his army towards "Kind Father Vasiliy" in the west.

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Lots of consolidation to the northwest. Greater Poland is getting particularly big, and I expect Lithuania to be united by either the High Chief of Zemaiteje or the Tribe of Lettigallians very soon.

I build a militia training ground to get some more light infantry (but, more importantly, to get lots of archers in the future). I'll spare you the details of any further holding improvements unless it's something super special.

Awww, fuck. Slothful (as one might imagine) is the antithesis of Diligent, making you slightly shittier at everything. Birching the kid doesn't make him shape up, either.

Oh, my, somebody didn't get the message from the thrashing I gave his old lackeys.

More and more, the realm fell into despair. The heir apparent seemed in every way worse than his father; his brother, Frodi, was known to be kind and calm enough, but also a pathetic weakling who would never stand up to him and steer the kingdom to a better tomorrow. The remaining Severian chief, desperate to save his people and himself, rose up in revolt, but everyone seemed to know it was an empty gesture, even him.

And then... a miracle occurred.

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And here, my friends, is where Ulfr gets completely fucked. But we'll address that in a bit.

There is a brief glimmer of hope! I have as many guys as he does, plus I'm Offensive Pagan and he's Defensive outside of home turf. Surely my awesome Varangian warriors shall obliterate him!

Or we'll get completely wrecked. Piast not only has a larger army than us, but for some reason, his troops are roided up like nobody's business. On second glance, the reason for this seems to be that he has more archers, while we have more cavalry - remember how archers excel during Skirmish, but light cavalry is only at its highest potential during Pursuit? It's a small difference, but it's enough that if he has decent generals, the advantage quickly compounds itself.

Honestly, there's not a lot I could have done to foresee this coming, though if I had spent less money on duchies and more on shoring up my defenses, I might have had a greater chance. C'est la vie.

A Polish high chief, Piast, got a glimmer in his eye when he looked upon Konugardr. The land was beautiful, the fortresses strong, and most of all, the people needed a restoration of the old ways.

Ulfr, when he heard of the challenger from the west, laughed at first. He bragged that he had beaten greater men with an army half the size, and said that the war would be so one-sided that they'd need a second runestone dedicated solely to his triumph.

Then the two armies clashed, and it was not the Slavs that were routed, but the Norsemen.

For the first time anyone could recall, Ulfr Blood-Eagle had been well and truly defeated in battle. His army fled and dispersed, and he returned to his throne, battered and bloody; allegedly, he refused to say a word the whole time. But, not one to give up, he quickly mustered a second force to drive out the invaders.

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Though pricey, the mercenary troop definitely seemed worthwhile; once again, my forces were equal to that of my enemy, or so it would seem. You'd think I'd have learned from the first defeat.

I did have a plan, however - since Piast's army was in the forest and I was on the plains, I would wait for him to come to me, triggering Ulfr's terrain bonus.

Probably should have tried to lead him across a river as well, in retrospect.

The bastard won't even let me surrender, nor do any of his men bother killing me. He's really determined to rub it in.

Ulfr attempted to lure Piast into a trap; if he was commanding the defense, from his chosen arena of the plains near the Dnieper river, victory would be assured. Yet when the Polish chieftain "fell for it," it was Ulfr who, once again, slinked away in defeat.

The first time, he had written off as a fluke; but now, Blood-Eagle sank into a deep depression, which he tried and failed to drive away with food and drink. Never before had he been up against an enemy that truly worried him; now, he was perpetually consumed with the fear that Piast would overrun and steal his lands, just as he had done so many times in the past.

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Normally that bishop would be imprisoned and murdered ten times over, but I figured it was a pretty extreme situation.

I think that if he had managed to convert Ulfr before the war ended, he would have actually kept his land (since the Subjugation CB only applies to other pagans, I think it would have become invalid). But that's just one of many what-ifs.

When a preacher arrived from the south, the court all expected him to be slain without remorse; Ulfr had killed many men who thought they had a chance to convert him or his family. But when the priest bowed before the king, still bruised from his latest sally, they were shocked - for Ulfr the Drunkard knelt down, and gave the bishop his blessing. Where once he would have bellowed for the guards, now he simply waved Ljubomir off into town.

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Desperately trying to stave off defeat, I went for an assault on Konugardr. Heavy casualties resulted.

Needless to say, it was a pyrrhic victory.

Though he led a few last, desperate attacks on the occupied castles of Konugardr, it seems that Ulfr knew the futility of doing so. His legendary appetite quickly followed his bloodlust; he regularly needed to be reminded to eat, instead of poring over battle plans, desperately searching from some revolutionary new tactic.

Allegedly, when he heard the news that his former vassals had dropped all pretense of resistance, Ulfr was struck dumb, unable to speak or even move for three days. Eventually, he left for Gniezno, one of only two counties that he was left with.

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Naturally, I immediately started talks of rebellion. Piast responded by trying to buy Ulfr's loyalty with cheap, meaningless titles. What kind of slimy bastard would do something as ridiculous as that?!

I also worked on murdering Ulfr, since he had two sons; under the Gavelkind succession he's limited to, and since he has multiple duchy-level titles but no kingdom-level ones, his realm would have been split, giving Ulfr an opportunity at redemption.

(I fucked up a save and this time Ulfr's son ended up heading the Independence faction, but otherwise no major differences happened so don't worry about it)

Though all his outrage seemed to have turned to despair overnight, Ulfr soon returned to his desperate thrashing, acting as if he had not been defeated only weeks ago. He quickly rallied the conquered lords of Konugardr in a desperate bid to force Piast out of their lands.

It would have done little good, of course; even had they succeeded, the majority of Konugardr would remain with its new liege, and the still primarily-Slavic populace would not have had it any other way.

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EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ULFR, NOTHING WILL GO WRONG, EVERYTHING IS GREAT FOREVER

Oh, what, now people are snatching up provinces when they revolt? Whatever is this world coming to?

An initial strong showing raised the rebels' spirits, but an outside invasion quickly destroyed the fragile hope they retained. They could use swift guerilla tactics to strike at the still-weakened fortresses and towns of Konugardr, but they had no effective defense. Nonetheless, they did their best to fend off both sides, and managed to hold their position for a month or so.

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But inevitably, despite their desperate maneuvers, Ulfr and his comrades could not succeed in a war on one front, let alone two. The Drunkard's attempts on Piast's life - evidently attempted partly to fracture his realm, and partly for petty vengeance - also failed.

In the end, both Ulfr and his son Thorbrandr were jailed, where they would suffer the ultimate indignity...

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They were stripped of all their titles, just as Ulfr had taken the titles of those who would rebel against him. They were left to rot in Piast's dungeons, and the only Blodigorn man who retained any power was the cowardly Frodi, who immediately converted to the religion of his ruler, and dutifully aped his mannerisms and dialect, in an attempt to curry favor.

The kingdom of the Blood-Eagle, which he had so quickly conquered, had been stolen in the blink of an eye, and Ulfr the Drunkard would never see the light of day again. The fate he had visited upon his enemies - ignominy and imprisonment, with death the only escape - was now his own.

But for all he had lost, Piast (called the Savior by the liberated people of Konugardr, or as it would now be called, Kiev) had only made a temporary gain. His land was split in two by unconquered tribes, and could not be established as a kingdom proper - and with both outside and inside threats to the stability of the realm, it is likely that his conquest did little but set Greater Poland up for the ravages of the Brotherly War.

End of Unit One

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State of the World, c. 890

Looks like the High Chief of Zemaiteje did, in fact, manage to become King of Lithuania. Good for him, I suppose.

Up north, Rurik's managed to become a proper king rather than a petty one - King of Rus, specifically. Meanwhile, we're stuck serving some moron who by all rights ought to be a king, but expanded in a profoundly stupid way and just look at where we are now.

Things look a lot worse for us than they actually are, seeing as our ruler right now is chaste and stressed (both of which negatively impact his fertility) and he lacks any children. Thankfully, his brother produced a couple of sons, so we're not in "dynastic extinction" territory quite yet. It'll be tricky to recover from this trouncing, but we'll manage it. (Trust me, I already started working on the next update!)

Aiming for the Mediterranean next right? Those vikings need some salt in their veins.

I think the Mediterranean is perhaps a bit of a ways off. And it's about to get even harder to conquer, as you'll see in the next update. Think we're best served by focusing on domestic issues at the moment.

Unit Two, Chapter One: A Fragile Kingdom

A county run well is a greater realm than a kingdom run poorly.

As a reminder: when we last left off, all we had was a single piddling county. If this were taken away from us, we would instantly lose the game. Exciting!

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The first thing I do, since both my spymaster and my ruler are quite good at intrigue, is send her off to Constantinople to [strike]steal[/strike] research technology. Doing so increases my capital's tech improvement rate over time, and sometimes doles out a bundle of 50 tech points in a random area.

Early in the game, Constantinople (being the capital of the Byzantine Empire) and Damascus, over in Arabia, tend to have some of the best tech levels, so it's often a good idea to send your spymaster there if you can afford to. If I recall correctly, Paris is also quite good in later start dates.

An independent county, bordering our own? And its holdings have terrible levies and garrisons? He's not a Vasiliy, but it'll have to do.

Allies are generally "whoever's close to you via marital or dynastic ties." They can be quite useful, but they'll only come to your aid if they like you enough compared to your enemies (and, often, won't bother if the people you're attacking or the province you're defending are too far away). Keep in mind that every time you call them to war, they get a temporary opinion penalty, so you can't just keep doing it constantly.

You're also expected to answer their calls to war, but this... isn't hugely enforced, mainly because there's nothing stopping you from nominally joining a war but not actually committing any troops to it (besides the chance of the enemy besieging you and making your holdings temporarily less effective, anyway). That said, prestige gains from battle are increased for allies, so it can be a good idea to actually help out if it's convenient.

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With our friend's help, we easily take Chortitza. We still can't actually create a duchy or anything, but it's nice to have a little extra income.

Once it became clear that Frodi held the only remaining title of the Blodigorn clan, he began constantly worrying about his reputation and power. Being a simple count, with no obligation to fight, had suited him well; now, it felt as if every one of his ancestors had placed their faith in him, and anything other than complete success would leave him a failure.

Desperate to maintain his family's stature, and constantly living in fear of being invaded, he quickly decided to make the first move and expand his territory. Though his own army was small, the aid of a better-equipped ally led to a swift and decisive victory.

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I don't know whether it's because we're Chaste or someone's spymaster was starting shit (one of their tasks can lead to spreading rumors that a noble of the province is homosexual), but everyone thinks we're buttfuckin'. It doesn't actually seem to have an effect on our reputation, besides occasionally making us give up a tiny bit of piety or prestige, but it's not exactly helping Frodi's perpetual state of anxiety.

(For the record, "I'll talk about it" gives -10 to prestige, which is usually a drop in the bucket, while going to the brothel gives a temporary -1 to all our attributes. But since Frodi is so stressed and fearful, he doesn't want to take any goddamn chances. The event fires several times, may have been a factor in us losing our chastity, and then fires a few times more.)

We snap at them both - Kol because we're so stressed, Kinga because we're terrified of what might happen if Piast thinks we've risen above our station.

Things go okay with our steward, though.

Not helping matters were the rumors that Frodi was a homosexual; in fact, the accusations died down fairly quickly, but he was never aware of this. He was haunted practically to the grave by the fear that his subjects would take it as an impetus to defame his family or rise up in rebellion, and so spent what little free time he allowed himself in brothels.

His relationships suffered immensely. Though once considered a fairly wise and pleasant man, he was now suspicious and on edge at all times, and nearly any conversation he had resulted in a shouting match. Soon enough, he had distanced himself from all of his friends, as well as his wife; the only social contact he seemed to be capable of was letters sent to his brother or his liege, and even these were alleged to be very terse and dispassionate.

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Occasionally, the boss pesters us with an offer to let one of our family members free for a paltry sum. We should definitely have one as an heir, but, hm... would Frodi rather have his brother, who if nothing else is still young and full of energy? Or his dad, who considers him a massive disappointment and will probably spend most of his time plotting to murder us and bashing courtiers against rocks?

Yeah, he wasn't really worth 10 gold when it comes down to it.

Plus, hey, he grants us both all his claims when he dies! Except... they're weak instead of strong. And Thorbrandr's kids can't inherit them unless he's able to press them, which...

Well, first of all, every one of these provinces is impractical to attack for one reason or another (mainly strong levies/garrisons; we could easily take Terebovl if not for that). More importantly, though, a weak claim can only be pressed under special circumstances, as noted above. For the most part, we're S.O.L.

And though he couldn't stand many people, he was especially furious with his father, feeling (perhaps rightfully so) that he had given all his attention to Thorbrandr and that his inability to accept defeat had brought a tremendous dishonor on the family name. Though he made at least token attempts to restrain his worry and anger when he had to be in the presence of others, any mention of Ulfr would cause him to erupt in anger and order the conversation be moved to another topic.

When he heard the news of his father's death, Frodi is said to have laughed and ordered a festival held within the week.

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WELL,

FUCK.

House Blodigorn was only able to maintain its grip on Chortitza for a bit over a year before a Khazar noble was able to wrest it back. When the army arrived, Frodi did not even bother raising an army, simply saying that it would have been a waste of life; but while he did his best to seem unfazed by the loss, his inner circle was quite aware that he was never quite able to get over the fact that his first big accomplishment as ruler had been taken away almost immediately, and his disposition continued to become worse.

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And this is why Gavelkind sucks. Since Piast had two duchy titles, no kingdom titles, and two sons, his realm was split in two (and rather unevenly), basically pitting them against each other immediately. If he'd expanded differently and gotten Poland locked down, he wouldn't have had this problem, so I have no sympathy for the rat bastard.

Anyway, we ended up a vassal of the Duke of Mazovia...

Who apparently did not have a lot of good generals if he seriously thought cowardly old Frodi was worth the trouble.

Upon Piast's death just before the turn of the century, his lands erupted in civil war between his sons, the Duke of Poland and the Duke of Mazovia. Frodi - despite a litany of protests that were immortalized in the mocking ballad The Coward's Call to War - was dragged into the conflict as a general, and was almost immediately captured and thrown in the dungeons of Poland.

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And great! All our claims are weak (though to be fair, since he's a child, we could press them against Siemowit) and we have no fucking army to speak of, but I suppose we're a threat to the bastard. Neither he or his successor ever lets us out.

Greater Poland briefly erupts in its own micro-civil war, but it cools down after a while. Pretty much as soon as that happens, Lithuania gets torn apart, though. Gavelkind is monstrous, man.

And speaking of broken power bases, our piece of shit liege lets us be independent! But we can't actually swear fealty to anyone else as long as we're in jail, which... kind of exposes us to Conquest and instant game over. Not the best idea in retrospect.

Making matters worse, the count had claims to several of his captor's holdings; and, though he lacked a powerful army, the possibility that he might bring in a sufficiently-powerful band of mercenaries was seen as too great by the regent at the time, and he was forbidden to be given any chance at freedom.

But perhaps it was for the best; no sooner had the borders of Greater Poland been redrawn to separate it from Mazovia than Sedziej found his vassals revolting, thinking him a weak and incompetent ruler. His power base quickly crumbled, and the county of Korsun was made independent.

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After a while, I get bored of pretty much just waiting for Frodi to up and die already, and nudge the process along.

Oh no what a tragedy taken before his time et cetera what evera. Let's move on to Thorbrandr.

Eventually, it seems, Frodi found his confinement maddening, and when sending communications to his regent, snuck in a message (written in Norse, and claiming to anyone who asked that it was a passage from a book that had great sentimental value to his father and brother) begging for an assassin to be sent and for Thorbrandr to take his place. Needless to say, it has long been a matter of contention whether this truly was sent by Frodi, or a forgery made so that his brother could claim the throne.

Regardless, he died soon afterwards, and Thorbrandr was brought to power. This did little to assuage the depression that had plagued him since his capture, and which had only become worse since his father had died; in fact, while he felt his actions were necessary, he was further saddled with guilt over having his brother killed.

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Since we know we aren't going to do very well on our own, we partner up with Rurik the Second. We're an enclave, which isn't the best position defensively, but hopefully our liege can take care of that - our concern is what gives us the most opportunities for expansion, and "surrounded by potential enemies" is good for that.

Also, for some reason, Rurik is fucking showering praise on us even though we're no real threat to him? Or maybe we are legitimately a really good spymaster, but he wants us to stay on his good side. Hey, works for me regardless - honorary titles and council memberships give you prestige and a bit of extra gold over time.

Thorbrandr's very first act was to swear fealty to the kingdom of Gardariki (or, as it was more commonly referred to in the west, Northern Rus), led by Rurik II. As the son of Ulfr - who, though once feared, had since been whitewashed as "a true Viking" and "a martyr for glory" - he was accepted with no reservations, and showered with praises as soon as he joined the kingdom.

Many accounts from Rurik's court show a considerable optimism from the acquisition, such as this one from his chancellor:
With Thorbrandr's service, the power of the Blood-Eagle is once again with us! If Rurik was not mighty enough already, surely now the [Slavic] nonbelievers will fall to their knees without showing even token resistance!

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But their hopes were unfounded, as Thorbrandr showed little of the desire he or his father had once had for conquest. Instead, it was as much as he could bear simply to perform his duties as count and spymaster, and even though he performed admirably, he seemed to find them more of a burden than a gift.

Thinking a proper memorial would raise his spirits, those around him convinced him to raise a runestone dedicated to his beloved father, next to the one Ulfr had himself commissioned. He did so, and even personally brought it to Kiev so the stones could stand together, but the journey only reminded him of the defeats his family had suffered.

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Upon his return, he first refused to leave the castle for any reason, then confined himself entirely to his bed. His despair spiraled out of control until he spent more time sleeping than awake, and a regent had to be appointed simply because he found himself unwilling and unable to rule.

Eventually he simply withered away and died of despair, and his son, Fredrik, took the throne. He was widely known to be a layabout and a simpleton, and most everyone agreed that if the Blodigorn lineage had ever held hope of restoration, it was now lost.

Little did they know that it would be callow Fredrik who personally regained the throne of Konugardr, and with it, his family's hope.

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Dang, The Abbasid Caliphate Is Huge

The Abbasids generally get a powerful empire going early on, but this is pretty ludicrous; they've more or less wiped out the Byzantine Empire and I'm fairly sure Bulgaria is next. Maybe it's for the best that we didn't get a chance to become Orthodox; it doesn't look like a winning theology.

Wow, maybe it’s because I haven’t gotten to start before 1066, but I’ve never seen the Byzantines get nuked like that before.

I should also possibly note that for some reason (I presume a glitch with the ruler designer) my coat of arms starts flipping out around this point (note that in the last update, it's changed to pale yellow with three deer). It will not stand the fuck still and I have no idea why.

Man, talk about rolling with the punches. This has been a very interesting game. And now -that- Abbasid empire's lurking nearby...

And I've seen the coat of arms glitch in pretty much any ruler designer game I've played, too. All I can think to add is that it might favor pale yellow. But I've got no idea what causes it to change at all.

I’d be kind of surprised if the Abbasid caliphate stayed that big forever, though. At least in my experience, computer Muslims are pretty bad at keeping it all together, even though a handful of dynasties will be pretty good at getting all swole.

Then again, it’s only been about two centuries since the Battle of Tours. If they’re game for a rematch, maybe you can cash in on the aftermath.

On the topic of CK2 and gigantic Muslim empires, I thiiink the largest I've seen was a Seljuk empire that stretched from Greece in the west all the way to Persia in the east and (somehow) managed to competently hold it together? The only major crusades to put a dent into them were quickly undone and Christianity was falling apart after a while, as Hungary converted to Catharism and steadily collapsed the moral fabric of the Papacy. It was pretty fun!

I think CK2's got a recurring glitch with pagan coat of arms, as I've heard of that bug happening to other people.

OOPS I LIED I AM TERRIBLE