The Eagle Time Book Club: Now reading Whatever

I just finished a book this evening, so I'd be glad to start another one.

I'm game.

Yeah! Let's read stuff!

Any suggestions this time around?

can being sleep without count as rule one
syes okay
good

okay so that two paragraphs are incses, undesl
unsettling
and i didny know that a tuxedo cat was a specific kind of cat and why he gets his kind named while owen doesnt
does the author not like owen despite naming him first in orderwise
why is he even named owen
if they were alwayus magical then their names should have reflected that instead of hurcules and owen.
is hercules even the stronger cat of the two, WHY IS THIS DETALS NOT IN THE STOYR

Why would magic cats even go to Minnesota? What is even in that state?

Crime. Loooots of crime.

Magic Catnip that gives them their magic powers?

If only this masterpiece wasn't one of a kind, we could make it required wearing for reading Curiosity Thrilled the Cat.

The cats in the maillllllllll.

Now I just have to wait until this muggle postal service delivers my tome.

I can then devour the truths contained within.



Has anyone else aquired this?

If not I will gladly ship my volume to someone once I am done.

While you're at it, one may as well look for a copy of The Cat Who Came For Tacos, whiiiiich is pretty much unrelated but also bizarre as a Spanish talking cat named Felix goes :3

BOB
WHY

It's a purrrrfect way to start my catlection!

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Spoileralso even though mspa has managed to lay claim to both cats and sharing terrible books with friends - it doesn't make it any less of a "purrific" (terrific/purr related fiction) idea.


And I never said the shared book would be sent unedited.

Book downloaded to tablet. Liquor being bought. The time is nearly nigh.

So, wait, what are we reading?

Sadly, I was unable to obtain a copy of this magical book ;-;

On the other hand, finished Cryptonomicon, and can see why it is an iconic novel!

Scratch me being able to read anything, it's enough I can do to keep up with Pride and Prejudice for Masterpieces II and Why Vikings Kick So Much Ass Norse Myths and Legends for Mythology. :S

DOIN' IT.

BOB
WHY

Bob since nobody can get a copy of this

You have to like

Record a chapter a week and share it with the book club

Bob since nobody can get a copy of this

You have to like

Record a chapter a week and share it with the book club

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Not sure if I want to do that - if not just because reproducing an entire book is a questionable practice, but also because I would like for people to discover the magic of magical cats on their own.

Meow.

Of course that doesn't mean I can't give a LIVE IN DEPTH REVIEW, like a let's play only it's a book.

------

REVIEW OF THE ACKNOWLEDGMENTS AND COPYRIGHTS SECTION

I never really knew what all went into actually publishing a book - the expansive list of publishers and regions on the first page tells me it's an extensive (though possibly automated) process. It feels good to know that India, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa all have their own unique offices dedicated to making certain this book can reach interested readers (or if you can't get it then at least they serve as a legal bastion against acquiring the novel).

Also this book was released in February 2011! For some reason I had imagined it being penned in the mid 1980's when everything was goofy and Charles was still in charge. Surely in these modern times we have grown past the need for detective crime novels featuring wizardry enhanced kitties? Wait...

Halfway through writing that sentence I realized that maybe my thinking is all wrong. Maybe it's only now that such a work of fiction can exist. It combines the three most popular genres from each of our prominent modern mediums: The CSI crime drama, the Harry Potter movies, and the unstoppable deluge of Internet cat videos. Perhaps Ms. Sofie Kelly is a true orator of our age, one who sees the great boons of our civilization and combines them in the most intoxicating way possible.

Okay, no. I have read the first chapter. This is not the case. Though her work does have an inspiring merit in its own way.

The last part of the "legal disclaimers" page contains a "publisher's note" which states the same little tidbit I've seen in countless films and stories and never really made much sense to me. It's where, right before your mystical journey, you are reminded that ALL characters, locals, and events are completely fictional. If they seem similar to an actual person, place, or thing well that's just a coincidence.

REALLY? So when our boxom (more on that later) protagonist is traveling through the seaside streets of BOSTON, I am to assume this is not at all supposed to be related to REAL BOSTON?

"What?" asks the befuddled publisher "there is a real seaside town called Boston? What a coincidence! I had no idea!"

"But," you press, "what about the cat who expressly likes Barry Manilow, the popular singer and heartthrob of women 40+? Surely that is a reference to the genuine article."

"Pfft." the publisher shrugs, curling up in the warmth and comfort of his blanket statement, "Cats. What'll they do next?"

Maybe the real disclaimer is that "hey if you got a problem with you being in the story you can't do anything because LIES."

There are a few more paragraphs talking about "author's rights and such" which actually is very politely worded, so thanks for that.

The adjacent page contains the "ACKNOWLEDGMENTS" section and starts with the phrase: "There are many people who have helped take the Magical Cats from an idea to a completed book,"

I read that as: "here is the list of people to kill." That may sound violent, but apparently vigilante justice is a core theme of this book so I can only blame the author. (okay maybe magical vigilante justice is a more appropriate term. So it's really just a magical hit list.)

A few of the names and statements stand out, like: "Thank you to my editor, [NAME REDACTED], whose editorial skills make me look good." (hey, just realized that sentence doesn't really contain a VERB but I am far from a grammarist so I can't say much ("make", doesn't count that is a dependent clause you red-inking heathen.)

What, I wonder, would this book be if it was not for the patient influence of [NAME REDACTED]? Would there have been a third cat? Did the editor read over the work and say "you have one cat too many. You need less cats."? Maybe it was just a jumbled mess of misspellings and incatations. Maybe [NAME REDACTED] is actually a hero who prevented an even greater evil from befalling the world. God bless you [NAME REDACTED].

And a big F* you to you, Ms. Bartlett, "who urged me to write this story" What the gratuitous swears were you thinking?!

People. When your friend or acquaintance comes to you and shyly says: "I've been thinking about writing a story about a pair of crime solving cats who are also magic." YOU DO NOT RESPOND IN AN ENCOURAGING WAY! You certainly do not URGE them to make their fever-dream a reality posthaste! You are not doing them a favor!

Should we make a PSA about this? Do we need a hotline? You people who engage in "blind, unconditional support" need to CHILL THE F* OUT BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS. GEEZE.

"A special thank you to the Guppies; a more supportive group of writers doesn't exist."

I have yet to decipher who or what "the Guppies" are. I have a very strong suspicion that they are not actually "writers" but are in fact literal guppies. Perhaps a fishbowl of creatures forced to observe Ms. Kelly's frantic typing at her keyboard. Though it seems like they would have some problems with the cats she obviously owns.

"And a big thank you to [VETERINARIAN], who answered all my questions about cats. Any errors or out-of-character behavior is due to my playing with the facts"

I found this statement puzzling, as why would a writer of cat-novels need to consult a vet concerning feline behavior. Then I realized that maybe she DOESN'T EVEN OWN A CAT.

I don't know how to recat to something like that. On one hand, it makes her seem like less of a creepy closeted lady writing fan-fiction about her own two pets. (which was really a huge part of the appeal). But then it leaves us with an even more troubling question: what is her motive? If not some sort of aggrandized fable of her own pets then what possible reason could this person have behind creating such a work?

I guess I'll just have to keep reading to find out.

CHAPTER ONE:

SLANT FLYING

So I have to hand it to Ms. Kelly; she has interesting chapter titles. A brief flip through the book reveals "High Pat on Horse", "Needle at Sea Bottom", "Shoot the Tiger", and (my favorite) "Step Forward and Punch". Now I don't know how literal these titles are (is there actual Tiger poaching in that chapter? Oh goodness maybe a magical TIGER is the real murderer and our protagonist gets to actually PUNCH it -IDE/Theory), but in the first chapter at least, there is hardly any evidence of slants or flying. It's the kind of title that's obscure but in a good way - the way that encourages the reader to invest slightly more in a story than they would have normally. It may have no more meaning than whatever two words she threw up on her "Create a title: Mad Lib" but it still serves its purpose. It gives the reader a hint of curiosity and a glimmer of hope before diving head first into the shallow muck of Magical Catlandia.

Okay. I have a confession to make. I have not actually set down to read a legit book in a long time. The fact that I am categorizing this paperback as a "legit book" shows that much. Most of my reading in the last year or so has been mainly in the form of adventures, grand battles, and other little story tid-bits found on these internets. While entertaining, they are a format completely different from these "novels", and many of my catiques may simply be due to differences in mediums, and not in the actual quality of the literature.

For example:

I do not have a vivid picture of the setting and characters presented to me immediately upon reading.

"Isn't that like, the VERY FIRST THING you're supposed to do in a story?" asks the reader of grandbattles and forumventures. "Where is the character description post? Where is the image showing their appearance and initial items of significance? How am I supposed to decipher what is happening without some form of expository introduction?"

I mean sure, it takes a while to get to know a character and setting and a little bit of having to figure all that out can be fun but it's not even until page 7 that you get a clear indicator of the protagonist's GENDER. (Okay maybe the references to yoga pants and long hair should have been clues, and it doesn't help that our esteemed author chose to write in the first person (you mean women don't constantly think "also I am a girl with breasts" to themselves? man if I was a girl I'd be thinking that all the time (more on that later))

but, Ms. Kelly, while the "what is going on in this book?" game can be quite fun it is only so when you are not DELIBERATELY MISLEADING YOUR READERS.

Okay, maybe I'm just an idiot but I was seriously asking myself: "wait, so does this like, take place on a farm?" Not because of any overt farm metaphors, but because of the continual reference to the murder and dismemberment of one "Fred the Funky Chicken". It is not until a good 500 words after his introduction that you realize Fred the Funky Chicken (oh and it must be typed out, like that, every time) is actually some elaborate catnip toy.

"Oh!" I realize, "This isn't some meaningless word-waste! This confusing and poorly described introduction is actually establishing a very important character trait for one of the catagonsits! Turns out Owen the cat's defining and identifying trait is that he LIKES CATNIP."

CAT LIKES CATNIP. GAWDAMN. PULL OUT THE PULITZER PEOPLE.

Now I KNOW this author does not own a cat. No actual cat owner would make the key trait of one of their feline companions "likes catnip" or even "really likes catnip". I've had enough Friends With Cats to know that descriptive cat words include: "picky", "boastful", "affectionate", "cunning", and "pissed on my couch". "Likes catnip" does not make the list.

(still don't know why she wrote this though)

Okay.

I need to speed this up.

There is so much material here but...

like I am going to write more review than there is catbook.

So I guess lets hit the high/low notes in the form of

A NUMBERED LIST!

1. You don't need to clarify your cat said "meow".

This is assumed. While cats can make a variety of noises the default noises are "Meow" "Purr" and "hiss".

GUESS WHAT! Those sounds already have verbs that go with them!

Instead of writing: "'Meow,' the cat said." You could simply say "The cat meowed." Or (if you want to change it up) "'Meow.'" (If you opt for the latter, guess what? People will assume that the MEOW WAS SAID BY A CAT.)

2. GET BETTER JOKES

(oh hey I can use quote boxes - that will make this much easier)

"You have a problem, Owen," I told the cat [in reference to the chewing of Fred the Funky Chicken] "You have a monkey on your back...Or maybe I should say you have a chicken on your back."

DOHOHOHOHOHOHO.

F*CK YOU. We here at EagleTime have a high standard for puns and joke related humor. If you can't make a joke worth reading then don't write it at all. (or at least conceal it under layers of censored swears and sarcasm to give you plausible deniability should anyone find it.) Weak ass, forced jokes like that gives that same feeling you get when someone accidentally spits food on your face. You're not really mad, because they probably didn't mean it, but it still breaks the flow of what you're doing and grosses you out a bit.

3. The boring part.

Every book has this. Almost in every chapter. It's that part of the book where the character is changing locations and every detail of the scenery and setting gets described to us.

Is...is there some sort of scenery fetish community that just loves reading verbose descriptions of building architecture and the current weather? I mean, do people really read these sections and think "oh my what entertaining dribble! I can't wait for it to not be relevant to the story in any way!"? I can't be the only person that just glosses over these sections until I see some dialogue.

I think the really talented author is the one that can keep the pace and flavor of the story going during these typical "boring parts". Moby Dick, I think is an excellent example of where this works.

This book is not.

REVIEW PART 1 of 2 of CHAPTER ONE of TWENTY FIVE - COMPLETE.

I AM GOING TO FIND A WAY TO DO THIS FASTER.

Theory: The author is a cat.

She does not seem to own cats because she doesn't, because she is one. This is also why she cares if cats "act out of character" despite their already being magical detectives. Asking a vet questions about cats? Cover for her true identity.

Theory: The author is a cat.

She does not seem to own cats because she doesn't, because she is one. This is also why she cares if cats "act out of character" despite their already being magical detectives. Asking a vet questions about cats? Cover for her true identity.

I like this. It is the official first entry in the "List of motives" chart I am creating right now.

LIST OF MOTIVES

1. Sofie Kelly is actually a cat.

Now we'd have to identify exactly what type of "being a cat" she is. Perhaps she is just a regular cat at a keyboard (as opposed to being a regular cat in a ceiling or one of unusual length). She has mastered *cough* the english language and her first act of cat-typery is to create a very Mary Sue fanfiction where two self projections (one of whom embodies her daily struggle with nepeta (guess what that means "catnip" DIDN'T KNOW THAT DID YA (okay well I didn't))) are imbued with magical powers.

However, this concerns me. Are the "friends" listed in her acknowledgments actual people or other cats? Are they all lies? If they are people why did those people not report this literate cat to the proper authorities? If they are other cats then that means that there are MORE TALKING CATS IN REALITY.

Maybe she is just a cat who takes the form of a human. Maybe a giant skin-suit or robot or REAL MAGIC or something I dunno I'm not a cat. But this is even MORE CONCERNING. Now ANYONE who you meet could be a TALKING CAT IN DISGUISE. Maybe the phrase: "I'm more of a cat-person." has a terrifying double meaning us mere humans don't understand! Maybe all those stories where witches turn into cats are really the other way around!



Okay don't watch that. I know I didn't. I just searched "Salem Sabrina" and picked the one that looked most obnoxious. It's only purpose is to break us out of this terrifying cat discussion and lead into.

CHAPTER 1 REVIEW: PART 2

Ancillary characters

Admittedly, I was a little confused at the introduction of another non-cat character. I guess the novelty of the books' genre was such that I had assumed that any other characters were unnecessary. I had legitimately expected a book, where a woman does nothing but talk to her cats for 25 chapters.

I probably set my expectations too high.

Chapter one introduces 5 non-cat-non protagonist characters, the first one, Fred the Funky Chicken, is talked about non-stop for the first two pages until he is tossed into a garbage can. The second, Rebecca, is notable only for her role as Owen's (LEARN THE CAT'S NAME PEOPLE) "dealer" and the origin of Fred the Funky Chicken.

Gosh I hope she is the one who dies.

There is then generic library assistant whose name I'm not going to bother looking up. (Oh yes, our protagonist is a LIBRARIAN. A librarian who goes to work in yoga pants (either that or Cat Kelly forgot to have her change (you guys are going to see a lot of nested parenthetical statements (GET USED TO IT))))

Then we have two old men. "BUT HOW," you ask, "CAN YOU HAVE TWO OLD MEN? Wouldn't we get confused? I mean is there even a way to give old men distinguishing character traits?"

Never fear, cat-lovers! Sofie Kelly has made it very clear that these two elderly gentlemen are INDIVIDUALS.

One is a grumpy old man and the other is a kindly old man.

Kindly old man is a carpenter and grumpy old man is an actor.

At the end of chapter one OWEN (magically) appears sitting on grumpy old man's head.

That's some real SAT-UATIONAL HUMOR there!

JOKES.

ugh.


So given that END OF CHAPTER SHOCKER, and combining it with the little story tid-bit they tucked in at the front of the book, I can assume that the "magic" of magical cats is that they can teleport?

Is a teleportation really that magical? I mean, I think with the myriad of abilities "magic" bestows merely moving from one place to another isn't that...wait...where have I...

OH GOD.

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Spoiler

WHY DIDN'T I SEE THIS BEFORE? WHY DID I NOT MAKE THIS CATNECTION UNTIL NOW?

I had wondered, Mr. Hussie, why, when applying the label "Omnipotent" to your characters, do you merely gift them with the ability to transport objects?

I mean COME ON. You could do SO MUCH MORE. Omnipotent is the kind of phrase or ability that invokes those deep philosophical questions like "Can a magical cat make something so magical that they can't even magic it themselves???" Why is it that such a potentially critical character-trait is so poorly underdeveloped?

I would love, love, to attribute Mr. Hussie's lack of creativity to his studying and reading of this very magical novella, but back in Feb '11 when it was first flying off the shelves we were so deep in contrived-troll-analogue-for-bullshit that his ongoing misunderstanding of "omnipotence" simply failed to register.

Maybe the connection is much deeper and more subtle than foreknown plagiarism. Maybe these two well renowned authors, when deciding to apply these broad sweeping terms to their characters, due to some level of shared subconscious default, looked at the endless possibilities of the word they had typed and said: "Awesome, these guys can teleport ANYWHERE now!"

And with that they were content.

Ahahahaha g0m. That video is priceless.

Really, perhaps it's mostly me, but I tend to derive a bit of sadistic pleasure from the misguided emotionally-laden efforts of struggling individuals (a simpler descriptive term for such works is "creepy" or "sad"). (If you want to watch another great example of a video like that just youtube search for: "Dating the Asian woman- the impossible dream" (I have linked to that enough though, you should already be familiar)) Really, it's the same thing that draws us to a book like catbook. The concept and cover art all scream of someone who genuinely thought: "this is a good idea" and then took the effort to turn it into a reality.

Of course, things are really more complicated than that. The people who've made that video (and catbook) are not 100% grade-A morons because,

1) There is some measure of talent that making a video/book/talkingcatlips of that nature takes (that I am not familiar with).

and

2) I do crap like this, ALL THE TIME.

I mean, we all do. We all have moments where our personal perspectives are so out of touch with social norms (and even hard-fact realities) that we manage to say/do/believe/admit to something completely ludicrous (though few of us manage to memorialize it in print/video form).

I suppose that's all part of stepping out there...Okay I'm dancing around my point

My point is that instead of reviewing this next chapter I've decided to do what Slorange suggested and put out a LIVE READING of CHAPTER 2. This could very well be one of the aforementioned examples of me making a complete fool of myself (something which I excel at) so maybe you may get at least some form of that same sadistic pleasure while listening.