Business Magnate

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SpoilerAllow me to indulge myself.

We're ruined! We're ruined, I say!

What's that you say?

We're ruined, I say!

But we were doing so well!

Well, you remember how you told me that you have to spend money to make money?

Yes.

It turns out that when you spend money you actually don't have it anymore!

What's that you say?

What do you mean about not having money? Isn't that illegal?

It's not, I asked our legal department! And then, get this, they wanted me to pay them!

The nerve! They should be paying US!

I would have, except we're all out of money!

Brother, you're the legal department here?

I am now! Don't you realize, dear brother — that makes all of YOU the heads of the ILLEGAL departments!





We need to do something, quick! Before we run out of cash!

We just did, like I was telling you!

Wait, is cash the same thing as money?

Yes!

Then we truly are ruined!

We're ruined, I say!

Not quite, my brothers! We can still convert our possessions into liquid assets!

Brilliant! I'll start eating everything I own and then hock the piss as lemonade on the streets! Starting with this here coffee cup...

Oh no, I'm way behind, I've not yet begun to entreaty the dark lord into my flesh-puppet!

And if that's not enough, we can take out a loan...

Like a poor?

But I'd need to pay it off! Then I'm right back to spending money to make money!

Not if it's not you who takes out the loan...

Gasp! Are you suggesting we change CEOs again?

Finally! My time to shine. This company needs a change in direction........................

Shut up! You know the rules, nobody left-handed.

But then it'd just be another brother on the hook, there's no way out!

What if... we put a patsy in the CEO chair, so that they're the ones who take out the loan? So that they're the one on the hook for paying it back?

But we've always been a family business! Why, even our father before us was family!

What we need is a brother... from another mother.

Someone gormless...

Androgynous...

...and pliable to our every suggestion, as well as the audience's!

so i'm the ceo now huh

Yes! And your first duty is to take out a loan, we've got the paperwork here... we just need to know what your name is.

alright but like um

what does this company even do for a business?

Oh, are we doing the purple words now? Cool! One thing I've always wondered, is like... Where does the sun go at night when it sleeps?

Your name is Timmy Glutes.

Your business is the manufacturing and distribution of prosthetic butts.

The sun goes to the futon in the basement when it sleeps because it hasn't been on the best terms with its wife lately.

Your business is the manufacturing and distribution of prosthetic butts.

You want to launch a new silicon line of derrieres, but people keep telling you that might not be very good for the brand's reputation. Hm. Wonder why.

This has to be the funniest shit I've seen all day.

I second Douglas's suggestions.

Your name is Sydney Lucre and the sun is crashing at your place until she's figured out some life stuff

the sun just turns off and sleeps like everyone else. that's why it's so dark at night.

>Name?

Citi Simms.

>Business?

Operating systems for nuclear plants with fun desktop themes and stuff.

>The Sun?

Dead.

The sun sleeps in your hair at night. That's why you can't see it.

the sun just turns off and sleeps like everyone else. that's why it's so dark at night.

this is really cute

Your name is Sydney Lucre

sydney's the name, lucre's the game. lucre is also the name

Wow! The world's first wrestling CEO.

What about Vince McMahon?

The world's first real wrestling CEO.

curses! they must never find out about more about my secret double life...

ha ha, what? you think lucha libre is real?

it's more real than you could ever know...

What's Lucha Libre? I just said that because you put me in a jackknife hold while introducing yourself.

oh, sorry. it's a nervous tic

The sun sleeps in your hair at night. That's why you can't see it.

But I don't even have hair!

why do you think you can't see it

Ohhhhhh...

>Business?

Operating systems for nuclear plants with fun desktop themes and stuff.

aren't there like

six of those

Yes, and they're all using Windows 2000.

But we've got a plan! First, we gotta get the Y2K bug working so it rolls over to Windows 0. Then all we have to do is sell one copy, for seven trillion dollars!

mhm. so what did it cost you to develop this product from scratch?

Seven trillion dollars.

And not one of those scratch lottos came back a winner...

Thank goodness for the Publisher's Clearinghouse, or we'd be in a Publisher's Poorhouse!

And you know what they say about passing stones in a clear house!

whatever it is it's not what they say. how did you earn the starting seventeen trillion?

Earn...?

They mean "scam," I think, dear brother.

I hear we're supposed to call it "selling things" now.

I swear, can't breathe without turning around and incurring the wrath of the PC Mafia these days!

Always shoving Windows 2000 down our throats!

jesus fucking christ will you just tell me how you turn a profit around here already??????????????????????

Oh! Well...

Your business is the manufacturing and distribution of prosthetic butts.

ah, for the tragically buttless. a noble cause

Mostly, though, we cater to the select clientele who want a bigger butt.

Or a second butt!

You want to launch a new silicon line of derrieres, but people keep telling you that might not be very good for the brand's reputation. Hm. Wonder why.

You've actually come in at an exciting time in this business.

what, 2 in the afternoon?

Yes! We have already arranged a 2:30 pitch meeting with one of the top minds in Silicone Valley, presumably a plastic surgeon, who says he's a unicorn and is looking for investors...

You gotta wonder about this guy though... like if it's 2:30 shouldn't he be a plastic dentist?

uh you mean silicon valley right

Ha ha! You say words weird. I like you!

Here he is now!

Hi!

oh my god how long have you been there

Mom always said to show up 15 minutes early, ha ha ha ha ha!

christ, your head looks like... it looks like a halloween... uh, squash. that someone had to draw on upside-down with a sharpie because their mom wouldn't let them use a knife... only they wouldn't let them use a sharpie either so they had to use a crayon. with their left hand

That's okay, I'll get plenty of knife carving practice on your SKULL. I'll show you, I'll show them all. I'll eat your teeth and live forever!

I'm sorry I was in the bathroom did someone say left hand

You KNOW you're supposed to stay in the lefty bathroom between the hours of 2 and 7! We can't have you scaring the dinner guests!

Gentlemen!

at the very least i'm not gentle

For centuries, man has been using the same exact butt as his father before him, and the same exact toilet paper. Pliable, yes, but inflexible. As life has accelerated and become more connected than ever, our weak flesh just can't keep up and we end up buried in the same grave as our father before us. Prosthetic limbs aspire only to replace our everfailing, constantly dying human body parts... but what if you could create a butt for the modern world, a butt for the future?

A butt you could pass down to your son...

It's time to disrupt the butt space. Imagine, you can hold in your fart forever. Imagine, you can shrink it down so you only take up one seat on the plane. Imagine a butt that tweets at you when you need to poop. Imagine you don't need to wear pants that say you're Juicy because you can have it scrolling across the rear itself. Imagine if you were able to stop your child from buttchugging. All with a few taps on your phone... Interested? There's more. This butt would have those cat ear speakers and you could load all your favorite music or podcasts in, so you'd never have to worry about dropping your device while out jogging. You could sit down and never feel it. You would have independent cheek control. And of course... it would be on the cloud.

what if you leave wifi range?

You would immediately lose control of your bowels. Any other questions?

We will have the master switch for all butts worldwide, yes?
Can it drive my car?

>any plans to take over the wifi, and then conquer the world with prosthetibutts

When do we fucking start

You are not thinking big enough. You could charge a subscription for wifi access.

if we do this right, we won't just take over the world
we might actually make money off of this
>Operation buttdial is a go

Can I see your credentials?

Can it get mobile data?
Will it be able to release hormones into the blood?

If one train heading to Boston going 67 kmph and another going to Wisconsin at 45 kmph crossed at the exact same point in time, how big would the explosion me?

Can I please see your ass or a prototype silicone ass, whichever is closer to hand

>Are prosthetibutts removable? Can you leave it on a cable overnight to charge?

We will have the master switch for all butts worldwide, yes?

Yes. It's not going to be so much a switch as an app, though.

Can it drive my car?

Only if it's self-driving, or if you sit on the wheel.

How long is the warranty

Hey, that's your department!

I think 3 months, and triple price for 6 will do.

Brother, I thought your department was the legal department!

Fine, fine. What do you suggest?

Nobody ever buy the damn warranty, anyway. I say, three hundred dollars for a 2 days return policy.

>any plans to take over the wifi, and then conquer the world with prosthetibutts

Ha ha ha ha ha! Not with just prosthetic butts... Let's just focus on one body part at a time.

Can it get mobile data?

Yes, it connects to your phone and you can even take calls with it!

You are not thinking big enough. You could charge a subscription for wifi access.

...Yes, of course. That's why you're the money, ha ha ha ha ha!

Can I see your credentials?

I've got an SSL certificate.

Will it be able to release hormones into the blood?

Sure. Like what?

i was thinking flouride, to placate the masses into consuming zombies with pristine teeth

Ah yes... the teeth...

If one train heading to Boston going 67 kmph and another going to Wisconsin at 45 kmph crossed at the exact same point in time, how big would the explosion me?

Trains don't explode when they crash.

This guy's good... real good...

>Are prosthetibutts removable? Can you leave it on a cable overnight to charge?

Better: You HAVE to! You can't remove them, though.

When do we fucking start

Can it wait until after Burning Man?

Can I please see your ass or a prototype silicone ass, whichever is closer to hand

I, uh, we don't have a prototype. That's where you angel investors come in, to fund the R and the D!

Don't pretend like you didn't hear us! I don't care about the Republican'ts and the Demoncraps!

MOON! MOON! MOON! MOON!

...Are you serious?

I've never been serious in my whole life. Show us your lower cheeks if you want a contract.

You can't sue us for harassment if you're not hired yet, so we have to do this now!

Har-ASS-ment!

Woo! Moon!

Well... thankfully, I always keep a photocopy of my butt in the folder with my CV for just this situation.

This is an adequate substitute.

Wolf whistle! Wolf whistle! I'm sorry. I can't whistle. Do you have duplicates?

if we do this right, we won't just take over the world
we might actually make money off of this
>Operation buttdial is a go

Well, sirs and/or madam, do we have ourselves a deal?

it all sounds good, but just one more thing...

how much is this gonna cost us?

How much do you have, ha ha?

...hey, sidebar, how much do we have?

None. We have none money.

okay well, i've got like seven hundred in the bank.

Perfect! Seed money.

but that's like thirty dollars american.

Wait! Are you... an illegal?

uhhhhhh...

That's just what we need! Someone to head up the illegal department.

okay well anyway, this looks to be a good opportunity for us, but we won't see any profits until it's done. do we have any way to make money NOW, enough to balance out the costs?

Woah! Slow down with all that fancy business talk... profits? costs? Don't ask us! You're the one who's supposed to dream us up that sweet sweet money river!

>Igerian prince schemes. Yes, Igerian. If we saw off the first letter people won't suspect a thing.

These guys are bozos. Fire them from the Payroll of Life by pushing them out a window

These guys are bozos. Fire them from the Payroll of Life by pushing them out a window

let's not be so hasty

set up a collection bin where they fall so we can sell their kidneys

Can we buy the rights to produce more photocopies of this butt? We can pay in stock options.